A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her. She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?" He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish but from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?" He answers, "Monica Lewinsky". There is a pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice black boy you were dating last year?"

   Three men were sleeping in the same bed. In the morning they decided to discuss their dreams. The man on the left side of the bed said, "I had a dream I was getting a hand job." The man on the right side said, "I dreamed I was getting a hand job, too." And, the man in the middle said, "Oh my God!...I had a dream I was cross - country skiing."

   A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet. After looking around, she realized that all the animals were very expensive. She went to the counter and questioned the clerk. " I wanted to buy my husband a pet, but all of yours are so expensive," she said.

   "Well," said the clerk, "I have a huge bullfrog in the back for $50.00. Would you like to see it?"

   "$50.00? For a frog?" asked the woman.

   The clerk said, "It's a special frog. It gives blow jobs."

   Well, the woman did not particularly enjoy giving head, so she thought this was a heck of a deal. She'd get her husband a gift he'd surely enjoy, and she'd never have to do that again. The woman decided buy the frog. She took it home to her husband and explained the strange gift. Of course, her husband was a bit skeptical, but agreed he'd try it out that night.

   The woman went to bed relieved, knowing she'd never have to give another blow job. Around two in the morning she woke up to the noise of pots and pans banging around in the kitchen. She got up to go see what was going on. When she got to the kitchen she saw her husband and the frog sitting at the kitchen table like best friends, looking through cookbooks.

   "What are you two doing looking through cookbooks at this hour?" asked the woman.

   The guy looks up at her and says, "Well, if I can teach this frog to cook, your ass is outta here.

   Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first one went to see a professor who told him to take math, history, and logic.

   "What's logic?" asked the first redneck.

   The professor answered "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater"?

   "I sure do" answered the redneck.

   "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

   "That's real good" the redneck responded in awe.

   The professor continued: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house."

   Impressed, the redneck shouted, "AMAZIN"!!!

   "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

   "Betty Mae! This is incredible!" (The redneck is obviously catching on.)

   "Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

   "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

   The first redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him walked back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

   "So what classes are ya takin"? the friend asked.

   "Math, history, and logic," replies the first redneck.

   "What in tarnation is logic"? asked his friend.

   "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater"?

   "No," his friend replied.

   "You're queer, ain't ya"?

   There is a sign in the drugstore window: "Condoms, custom fit."

   So a man walks up to the counter and asks for a condom, like the sign says. The man at the counter tells him to see Edna in aisle 4. So the man finds Edna. Edna grabs the man by the crotch, then gets on the PA system and says, "Medium condom. Medium condom." Well the man is embarrassed, but goes to the counter to get his condom.

   Later, a second man sees the sign in the window, and goes up to the counter to get his condom. The druggist tells him to see Edna in aisle 4. Same thing happens, Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says, "Large condom, this man needs a large condom." The man is pleased, at least, to be a large.

   Next a teenager goes into the drugstore to get a fitted condom, and is told to see Edna is aisle 4. Edna grabs his crotch, gets on the PA and says, "Clean-up in aisle 4, clean-up in aisle 4."

   A young woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for.

   I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

   The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

   Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked. "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

   "He sure is, lady," the Captain said. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

   A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach.

   Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it`s too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the room in tears.

   "What's wrong" asks the mother.

   "I was taking a pee and this bullet came out" replies the daughter.

   The mother tells her it's okay and explains what happened 16 years ago. About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears.

   "Mom, I was taking a pee and this bullet came out". Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago.

   A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. "It's okay" says the mom, "I know what happened, you were taking a pee and a bullet came out."

   "No," says the boy, "I was jerking off and I shot the dog."

CONSTRUCTION WORKER

   There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

   So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him.

   First he pointed at his eyes (meaning "I") then pointed at his knees (meaning "need), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a hand saw.

   Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jerk off.

   The guy on the 3rd floor got pissed-off and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy, "You idiot, I was trying to tell you I needed a hand saw."

   The other guy replied, "I know, I was trying to tell you that I was coming."

An elderly gentleman walks into a health club to inquire about the exercise programs, club facilities, and perks of the establishment. He walks up to the counter where he is greeted by a Herculean bodybuilder. "I'd like some information about the club."

"Well", says the body builder, "this is a great club. We have a number of exercise and recreational areas for you to experience, and the fees are $5,000 per year."

$5,000!!!!" the old man nearly passes out.. "We have a free trial period that you can take advantage of," says the body builder, "but before you enter you'll have to remove your clothes, because this is a nudist club."

The old man thinks about it for a moment, but figures, "why not." The old man walks out to the pool area where he finds a lounge chair. He sits back and looks at all the beautiful women, naked women, all about him. The site begins to stimulate him and he develops the largest erection he has had since he was a teenager. Suddenly, a gorgeous blonde runs over to him and jumps on his lap. She proceeds to do every imaginable sexual act with him.

An hour later the old man, sweating, breathing hard, staggers into the lobby and slaps down the $5000.

"You know," says the body builder, "you have a week to make up your mind about joining. Why are you paying now?"

The old man tells the story, "This place is great. I haven't had an experience like this in years."

Feeling good about himself, the old man walks back out to the pool area and orders a cigar. Walking back to his lounge chair, he drops the cigar. While bending over to pick it up, he is suddenly tackled from behind by a homosexual.. "Auuugh, stop, stop, screams the old man, but to no avail.

Ten minutes later it's over. The old man staggers back to the lobby where he demands his $5,000 back from the body builder.

"But why? A few minutes ago you were all excited about the club. What has changed your mind?"

After hearing the explanation from the old man, the body builder begs the old man to reconsider. "Think about the women you can meet. Don't let this one incident affect your decision."

"Son", says the old man, "I get an erection maybe once a month, but I drop my cigar at least three times a day!"

A little girl is in line to see Santa. When it's her turn, she climbs up on Santa's lap. Santa asks, "What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?"

The little girl replies, "I want a Barbie and G.I. Joe."

Santa looks at the little girl for a moment and says, "I thought Barbie comes with Ken".

"No", said the little girl, "She comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

On their way to Vegas to get married, a wife-to-be confesses to her guy that the reason they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested and has been hiding it by stuffing her bra. If the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is OK with her.

The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles further down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession that he has a penis just like a newborn baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is OK with him.

The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage. They were happy that they are honest with each other.

So they went on to Vegas and got married.

On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she is as flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. After one glance at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

When she regained consciousness, the guy asked, "I told you before we got married. Why did you still faint?"

The girl said, "You told me it was just like a newborn baby!"

The guy replied, "Yeah, it is -- 8 pounds and 21 inches!"

Here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods:

On Sears hair dryer: Do not use while sleeping. (Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)

On a bag of Fritos: You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (The shoplifter special!)

On a bar of Dial soap: Directions: Use like regular soap. (and that would be how?)

On some Swann frozen dinners: Serving suggestion:Defrost. (But it's *just* a suggestion!)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box) Do not turn upside down. (Too late! You lose!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: Product will be hot after heating. (Are you sure???)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: Do not iron clothes on body. (But wouldn't that save time?)

On Boot's Children's cough medicine: Do not drive car or operate machinery. (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)

On Nytol sleep aid: Warning: may cause drowsiness. (One would hope so!)

On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights: For indoor or outdoor use only. (As opposed to use in outer space - - or underground)

On a Japanese food processor: Not to be used for the other use. (Now I'm curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts: Warning: contains nuts. (No! Really?)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts: Instructions: open packet, eat nuts. (Thanks for all your help.)

On a childs' superman costume: Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly. (That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)

Things that some people think about....

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times,does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes".

Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean different things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do " is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be enlightened, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?

Do Roman paramedics see IV's as 4's ?

The young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it.

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time...and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year..... maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck You', and I hollar back, 'Fuck You, too."

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the older gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them.

Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap.

The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs.

The old gentleman said, "Oh, no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50."

The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "Not yet. It's his turn with the teeth.

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300 she exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money!! But I would do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother in Poland!" The man arched an eyebrow.

"Anything?"

"Yes, anything" the blonde promised. With that, the man said, "Follow me" He walked into the next room and ordered, "Come in and close the door" She did. He then said, "Get on your knees" She did. Then he said, "Take down my zipper" She did. He said, "Go ahead...take it out" She took it out and grabbed hold of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered, "Well....go ahead!" The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and while holding it close to her lips she said loudly "HELLO.....MOM???

Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day:

1. And your crybaby whiny - assed opinion would be...?

2. Do I look like a f___ing people person?

3. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

4. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.

5. I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.

6. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

7. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

8. You!... Off my planet!

9. If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats.

10. Does your train of thought have a caboose?

11. The Bible was written by the same people who said the Earth was flat.

12. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?

13. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

14. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

15. A PBS mind in an MTV world.

16. Allow me to introduce my selves.

17. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

18. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.

19. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.

20. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.

21. Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.

22. I'm not your type. I'm not inflateable.

23. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house?

24. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

25. Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you touch me?

26. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size.

27. A woman's favorite position is CEO.

28. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

29. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.

30. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.

31. Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?

32. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

33. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF...you!

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Macho Law prohibits me from admitting I'm wrong.

36. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

37. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.

38. I plead contemporary insanity.

39. And which dwarf are you?

40. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

41. Meandering to a different drummer.

42. I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?

This test is so realistic it is scary!!!!!!! It amazes me how these things really work! How do they do it?? The following test was developed by a combination of top U.S. and European psychologists. The results are extremely accurate in describing your personality with one simple question.

Which is your favorite Teletubbie:

A. Yellow

B. Purple

C. Green

D. Red

A. You chose the Yellow Teletubbie. You are gay.

B. You chose the Purple Teletubbie. You are gay.

C. You chose the Green Teletubbie. You are gay.

D. You chose the Red Teletubbie. You are gay.

You might be a HOMOSEXUAL if...

1. You have more than 1 bottle of cologne on the bathroom vanity

2. Your skin care collection rivals that of Tammy Faye Bakker

3. You own more than 1 antique

4. You have more refrigerator magnets than food in the refrigerator

5. You keep a tape measure in the night stand instead of in the toolbox

6. You can quote dialog from The Wizard of Oz, Mommy Dearest, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane and To Wong Fu.

7. You tape Oprah, the Young and the Restless and Melrose Place

8. You have gray walls and track lighting

9. You own more than 1 style of designer underwear

10. You use hair mousse

11. You own more than 1 Madonna CD

12. You know that Stonewall has nothing to do with stones and walls

13. You have ever worn a dress and heels out on a Saturday night

14. You voted for Clinton/Gore because you thought they were cute

15. You send your jeans to the cleaners

16. You have ever purchased a Playgirl magazine

17. You have watched Auntie Mame more than once

18. You know that "Old Queen" has nothing to do with the Queen Mother

19. You would trade 1 week in Branson for 1 night in Key West

20. You know the use for RID

21. You know that Magnum has nothing to do with Tom Selleck

22. You think Tom Cruise is gay

23. You have ever addressed anyone as "HONEY"

24. You have ever purchased Preparation H before a date

25. You have ever been to The Home Depot with NO intention of buying anything

26. You know that FLEET was nothing to do with the Navy

27. You know that the only round rubber thing @ Firestone is a condom

28. You have ever been to a Tupperware party

29. You have ever worn a red t-shirt to Disney the 1st Saturday in June

30. You know that Krystal in the mud has nothing to do with a burger