God's survey
After having been commissioned by God to take a survey of how man was doing on Earth, St. Peter now stood before his boss ready to present his findings.
"Tell me, St Peter, what have you found out? God asked.
"I'm very sorry to have to tell you this, but the people are behaving in a sinful manner. There's drugs, alcohol, murders, you name it is a regular Sodom and Gomorra. But the worst is this new obsession with oral sex. According to my survey, 88% of the population is doing it. I'm afraid it has reached epidemic proportions.
"Hmmm," God said thoughtfully, "do you have any recommendations as to what should be done to put an end to this sexual perversion?"
(scroll down a little more)
Hmm...
You didn't get the letter either , huh??
Queen Elizabeth was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and durring her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my", said the Queen, "that's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this?" The Doctor leading the tour explains; "I am sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn' do that at least 5 times a day, he'll become swollen.. he might even die. "Oh, I am sorry", said the Queen, "I was unaware that such a medical problem existed." On the same floor, they soon passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient oral sex. "Oh my", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan.
A man suspected his wife of seeing another man. So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop.
nbsp;A few days later, he received this report:
Most honorable sir:
You leave house.
He come house.
I watch.
He and she leave house.
I follow.
He and she get on train.
I follow.
He and she go in hotel.
I climb tree - look in window.
He kiss she.
She kiss he.
He strip she.
She strip he.
He play with she.
She play with he.
I play with me.
Fall out of tree, not see.
NO FEE
There are beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere...
The following people are stranded:
2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a manage a trois.
The 2 German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
The 2 Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
The 2 English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
The Bulgarian men took a long look at the endless ocean and one look at the Bulgairian woman and they started swimming.
The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide, while the American woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own, the true nature of feminism, how she can do everything that they can do, about the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her relationship with her mother is improving.
But at least the taxes are low and it is not raining.
The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting for instructions.
The Irish began by dividing the island into North and South and by setting up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets satisfaction that at least the English are not getting any.
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke (That's the only place they could smoke at the nursing home) when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking. Lady 2: "What's that?"
Lady 1: "A condom."
Lady 2: "Where'd you get it?"
Lady 1: "You can get them at any drugstore."
The next day, Lady 2 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, in her 80's), but politely asks what brand she prefers. "Doesn't matter," she replies, "as long as it fits a Camel."
ACCOUNTANT'S MATH
An accountant decided to leave his wife one day. He left her a note saying:
'"Dear Jane,
I am 54 years old and I have never done anything wild. So I'm leaving you for an 18 year old blond model. We'll be staying at the Sheraton." He then packed his things and went there. When he arrived at the Sheraton, there was a message for him from his wife. It read: "Dear John. I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Hyatt with an 18 year old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18."
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (the actual AP headline)
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in - laws, and while they went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange.
He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head. When she reached back to fine out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
The Finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a Duke University Law School Graduate from and uppercrust family, well connected, well bred and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from southeast Alabama A&M.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four - line poem in one minute or less and the last rhyming word would be "Timbuktu."
The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
eeekked the dusty caravan
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.
The audience went wild. How, they wondered, could the redneck top that.
The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
Met three whores in a pop - up tent
They was three and we was two
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.
Top 10 Potential Titles for Ms. Lewinski's new book:
10: I Suck At My Job
9: What Really Goes Down In The White House
8: How I Blew It In Washington
7: Testing the Limits Of The Gag Rule
6: Going Back For Gore
5: Going Down And Moving Up
4: Secret Services To The President
3: Deep Inside The Oval Office
2: How To Beat Off The Government
1: Me and My Big Mouth
What's the difference between light and hard?
You can sleep with a light on.
Why do women rub their eyes when they get out of bed?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.
Why is sex like a bridge game?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
What's the height of conceit?
You don't need a partner if you have a good hand.
What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from you own vasectomy.
The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: Your in them
Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you
Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you
Good: Your having sex
Bad: The dog came in the room and licked your butt
Ugly: You liked it
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
Good: Your wife's not talking to you
Bad: She wants a divorce
Ugly: She's a lawyer
Good: The postman's early
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying an AK 47
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas
Q: What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? 
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: Why did God create alcohol?
A: So ugly people would have a chance to have sex.
Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A: Are you sure it's mine?
Q: What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
A: Beer nuts are $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck.
Q: What three two - letter words denote "small?"
A: "Is it in?"
Q: What is the difference between tick and a lawyer?
A: A tick falls off you when you die.
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother - in - law backing off a cliff in your new car.
Q: What do you call a lawyer with an I of 50?
A: Your Honor.
Q: Mom's have Mothers Day, fathers have Fathers Day, What do Single guys have?
A: Palm Sunday
Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry durring sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.
Q: What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman?
A: Sexual harassment.
Q: What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A: $3.99 a minute.
Q: What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A: A bingo machine.
Q: What do you call a Florida gynecologist?
A: A spreader of old wives tails...
Q: Why do women prefer a Florida gynecologists?
A: They have shaky hands!
Q: What does a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas, and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
A: Somebody's fixen to lose them a trailer house.
Q: Why do chicken coops have two doors?
A: Because if it had four doors it'd be a chicken sedan.
