December 31, 2002/January 1, 2003

My Year In Review: By Allison Warren

It's now 1:56 a.m., January 1st 2003. Another year has passed, another year older, wiser (hopefully) and blessed to say the least. I'm just glad I was able to make it through another year at this point :). Instead of going on and on about what I'd like to accomplish...I thought I'd try something different.

At 9:43 this evening, a baby girl was born in Baptist Hospital named Emma. She was 8lbs 1 ounces and will surely be a joy to her parents, my friends, Andy and Jess. I'm sure she will be beautiful like her mother and thoughtful and kind like her Poppa. If I could tell this new born baby anything in the world that might change or make a difference....What would I say?..well, here goes:

Life is short. There are only two dates on your tombstone: the day you were born and the day you died. Make the most of the time inbetween those two dates, for that is all that you will ever have.

Friends are like gardens. You need to cultivate them and when you do they will provide for you over and over again. If you do not, they will grow over with weeds and are worthless.

Love everything you get a chance to. Love is so rare these days that when you do find something or someone you can give your heart to--do. You may never get that second chance.

Smile when you don't want to, cry when you need to.

Take care of your parents. They're the only set you have...and you'll miss them dearly when they are gone.

Love yourself. No one will ever love you as much as you do.

Don't start smoking. It's too hard to stop, it's NOT cool and NO not EVERYONE is doing it.

Anyone who tells you they are having sex..probably aren't. It's ok to say no..in fact, most people will be relieved that you aren't.

Remember this..people make mistakes. Mistakes can not be taken back or done away with. Swallow your pride, accept the apology and go on. Harboring bad feelings only really hurt you.

Have faith that there is a higher power in charge...you are not random and you aren't insignificant.

Respect and rejoice in the differences that make us all....you are unique..as are they.

Never underestimate the power of the words: Thank You.

Everyone you think you have to stay "cool" with in highschool won't remember you 6 months after graduation. Don't do for them....do for you.

Sound advice, eh?

Happy New Year---Here's to 2003!

December 29, 2002

Sundays are lazy days around my house. I usually end up sleeping till noon (or later), get up..watch television and do laundry till about 5ish..then I might fix dinner and get ready for my Sunday night shows on Fox (Simpsons, King of the Hill, Malcom). Today is no different..well, not totally different anyway. I slept till one, I have layed about the rest of the time trying to clean the house and wash dishes and do laundry and and and and..well, you get the point. For some reason my space is offending me if that makes sense. I can't clean up enough, nor pick up and move things to my liking. I guess its the time of the year..who knows.

Last night I went out with James to see a friends band play. It was.....different. I'm not too sure about the genre, but it was slightly entertaining all the same. I've not quite been myself since the Christmas party..I guess I'm still kinda icked out about it. I suppose I will get over it soon.....

Christmas was pretty good. My mom bought me the George Foreman grill. I must say, it cooks pretty darn fast. I used it Thursday night and it only took about 8 minutes to cook chicken breast from a frozen state. That rocks the house, as I hate having to wait for food to be done. She also got me a crock pot, so I'm gonna have to throw some soup together soon to try it out. I'm not much of a cook and need all help I can get.

My dad is doing better...I guess. He went to see his normal GP on Friday and my mom let him have it! He was going to call the other doctor and get some info...needless to say, they are going to a NEW doctor in January...so hopefully we'll get some answers on what's going on with his liver.

New Year's is two days away. I'm betting my NYE will consist of me..sitting on the sofa...chilling...probably in bed before midnight. I can't remember the last time I actually did something on NYE other than stay home. I think once, when I was a teenager, I had a party at a friends house where we all got seriously wrecked on alcohol. Other than that, the only time I've ever did anything was back in '99, when I was seeing someone, and I spent it at his house..I believe it was our 2nd date..and he tried to get in my pants..lol...I fended him off..I wasn't that hard up..lol

It's become increasingly apparent I will not make my one and only goal that I've set. I was hopeing to have lost (I think) 40 or 45 pounds by New Years. Not gonna happen. I feel bad and ok with it at the same time. I mean, how was I to know that I would hit a plateau...I didn't. I think the plateau is hanging still a bit..as my weight has fluctuated from 276 and 280 for the past week. That's ok..I will start the new year less than the year before. It's onward and upward, right?

I've not really given any thought to resolutions..as I hate them. I hate the thought of promising myself something that I may or may not be able to accomplish (this is where being mad about the goal comes in). I'd rather try to do better, but not declare that I will..eh, what can ya do.

December 23, 2002

It's 12:38 a.m. Today has been the day from hell, the weekend was the weekend from hell. I'm tired, medicated, mentally exhausted..and my christmas shopping is finished. Thank GOD.

I guess first let me start with today. Work was ok, even with what happened this weekend at the x-mas party (will get to that in a moment). I had left work and was gone to Christmas shop...was just out of Home Depot where I had gotten part of my father's Christmas present and my cell rings. It's my sister, so I answer. She tells me that my mom is taking my father to the emergency room. Now, I'm pretty sure I haven't covered this in my journal thus far, so I will now. About a year and a half ago, my father was diagnosed with something call NASH (Nonalcoholic steatohepatitis). We were told he had about 75% liver function and that all was good, no big deal. Well, about 9 months ago, he started having unexplained problems such as itching, adema in the legs and abdomen as well as one bout with a confused state, which his doctor blamed on his diabetes medication (and thus lowered it). My mom did some of her own research about a month ago and it appeared as though he was exhibiting symptoms of deterioration of his liver. Well, not even one week ago, he saw his doctor and he told him he was going to take some blood work but that all was good.

Yesterday, my mom noticed he was acting funny. She had to tell him three times where his pants were and then finally had to get them for him. Later, he complained of being tired, but could not sleep. This morning, he got up to get ready for work and laid his shoes on the bed, then covered them up, then couldn't find them. He put on other shoes, then left his lunch and his meds out on the counter. My mom called out to him, but he didn't answer her. She got up and went in the kitchen and noticed what he had done. She went to the door to see if he had left yet and she saw his truck lights shining out on to the driveway. She said he just sat there. So, she went to get her coat and shoes to go out to him and he drove away. Later in the day, people called her from his work to tell her that he was acting funny...He'd forgotten how to use his pager, ect.,. After he got home (his boss followed him to make sure he got home ok) she took him to the emergency room. The doctors talked to him and he didn't know what year it was, he knew that he was in a hospital, but didn't know which one. He knew that it was December and close to Christmas, but didn't know what day. He was in a seriously confused state. After some tests, they determined that he had a high level of ammonia in his blood due to..you guessed it--liver problems. Needless to say, something has gone awry in the past year and I feel like the doctors have done NOTHING to help or try to at least hold off the progress of the disease. When my sister called me, I lost it and began to cry uncontrollably, as I am convinced that he has progressed a LOT further in this than they realize. She calmed me down and I drove home...My friend James called in the middle of this and I was crying, he was trying to find out what was wrong, I told him I needed to calm down or I was going to have another fucking wreck..at which time he thought I had HAD another wreck..I calmed down and came hom. I waited for another call (my sister called me at 7 to tell me that he was back there and they would have two hours to wait till the tests came back in) and at 9:45 I couldn't wait any longer. I got in the car and drove over. Needless to say, we were out by 11 and they sent him home with drugs to help keep the ammonia down and an appointment with his doctor on Thursday. He's getting new doctors..thank god. My mom is on top of it.

I came home tonight and took one of my Sarafem's. I can tell that I have a slight druggy feeling while on them. Almost sleepy, yet not like when you take a prescription pain medication....I'm glad I had it to take :(

There's more to that story, but it's really long..so I'll save it for another day. I wanted to talk about Saturday's party.

First off, it was a work party. There was wine flowing freely. I hadn't eaten much Saturday, so when I had about 4 of the 8oz classes, I was pretty toasty. I didn't act bad or say anything to embarras myself...no, my friend embarrased me for ME.

He went up to one of the new partners and told him I was showing my breasts to people....I was NOT.

He went up to one of the GM's from one of the locations and told him that I was drunk...and horny...I was NOT.

At one point, an assistant GM was trying to grab me and (I think) kiss me and I was pushing him away..I went over to my friend for help to keep this clusterfuck off me. Instead he told him to "molest me". He thought I was joking..I guess the look of fear in my face jolted him back to reality..and he got between us. I spent the rest of the night with my head stuck up one of the only sober men there...for protection.

I'm upset with him because firstly, he promised me he wouldn't drink. He promised me that he would take care of me (this was after I was toasty) and not let anything happen to me. An then he didn't. So he lied to me..

My feelings are hurt because he embarrased me to my bosses. Telling a new partner I'm flashing people is not COOL at all.

I know he is sorry, and I have forgiven him..but I am mordified. Not to mention, my feelings are hurt by that assistant GM...He said to me, "You keep getting better lookin' every time I see you"...my response was, "It's because you're drunk" and laughed it off..that's when he grabbed my head and was trying to pull me to him. He was raging drunk. He did it to someone else...who was twice his age. Her husband almost punched him. I know I'll have to talk to him and see him again soon...and I'm not looking foward to it.

The ONLY highlight of the eveing was when one of the guys I hang out with sometimes at work commented that he had noticed I'd been working out..and congratulated me on a job well done. I beamed...I thanked him.

Everything else sucked ass...and I feel bad about it. As if I did something wrong..when I know I didn't. I guess my feelings are hurt because as I told my friend...when you make a joke about me flashing someone..and it's just you and I..it is funny, because I am SOOOOO modest that just won't happen. But when you make that same joke to other people who don't know me..or us for that matter..they laught for a different reason..and their laughing is disrespectful to me..because they are laughing at the thought of the fat chick stripping...feelings are hurt..indeed :(.

December 22, 2002

I had entertained ideas of giving this website address out to friends and family...so they could see my progress and my thoughts, photos, ect.,. I have decided not to. I'm not really sure why, but I decided I'm as comfortable with it as I thought.

So, last night was my company Christmas party. I wish I hadn't have gone. Well, except for the part where the new partner slipped me a $50 bill which was SOO cool, everything else went to hell in a handbasket. I'm not getting in to the story just yet, I'm not ready to go in to details..Maybe tomorrow after I've seen the people I work with again..lol..But it wasn't fun, my feelings are hurt and I'm so mad at my best friend right now I could kill him....and I can't even tell him because I don't want to talk about it anymore :P. Later...

December 18, 2002

December 17, 2002

Irritability, sadness, sudden mood changes, tension, bloating. If you suffer from many of these symptoms month after month and they markedly interfere with your daily activities and relationships you could have PMDD. PMDD, Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder, is a distinct medical condition that is characterized by intense mood and physical symptoms that happen the week or two before your period, month after month. The good news is there is treatment available that may help.

Right.

So I went to the doctor today.......and this is what she has diagnosed me with. She says my worsening PMS is NOT diet related...and applauded my effort. She gave me a 'script for something called Sarafem. Basically, it's low dose Prozac. Woo hoo! I can be one of the millions of folks on Prozac now too! hehehehehe

I'm actually not sure I totally agree with what she is saying, but I'll buy it. I'm gonna get the prescription filled tomorrow and we'll see what happens.

So, I think I'm slowly but surely coming down off the plateau. I woke up this morning and for once it wasn't stuck at 281.5. It was at 276.5. I was stoked. Maybe my "binge" on Saturday night kicked me back in the right direction. Yes, yes yes..I binged Saturday night. For some unknown reason I was craving Krystal burgers. So I had a few...ok, I had 6. But I hadn't eat hardly all day long, which is probably what triggered the binge eating anyway. At any rate, I was suprised my stomach didn't throw a huge fit...no upset tum tum at all. However, I was not happy about it afterwards. They just smell so funky.....

Well, Christmas is just around the corner and I still haven't begun to shop. I just can't seem to get with it this year. I guess I'll break down on Saturday and start shopping..and finish it up Christmas eve (as always). My Christmas party for work is Saturday night and James is going to be my date..hahah...I hope we don't stay too long. There are much more fun things we can get ourselves in to...

Oh well, onward and upward!

December 12, 2002

plateau: plateau Function: intransitive verb Date: 1939 : to reach a level, period, or condition of stability.

Right.

Sooo...I think I'm on one. I knew it was going to happen eventually, but I think it has caught me. I'm ok with it really, but I can see how it would get discouraging. So far this month (or as of today anyway) I have not lost any weight, in fact I've stayed right at 280 for the past month (since my last weigh in). I've talked with a trainer at work and we're going to look at my "program" and see if maybe something needs to be tweeked. Bottom line--your body is a machine and eventually that machine gets used to the daily grind. Gotta spice things up a bit :) I read in Self magazine that your routine needs to be changed about every six weeks. Guess I'm due for a change. I started out just walking with a hodge podge of tapes (Richard, Leslie)..then mid September started just cycling (for the most part). I've stayed with that for a while and now I'm walking and cycling. For Christmas, I'm buying myself some heavy duty weights so I can incorporate that in to my routine as well. My plan at this point is cardio 3 days, weight lifting 3 days and one off day. I think that will work for now.

I have started doing the two mile tape with Leslie Sansone (see the Move page). I had stopped doing it (and the Richard Simmons tapes) for a while because I was getting bored with it. Instead, I focused on the cycling and using my new Air Walker (kinda like that Tony Little Gazelle thing they show on infomericals). It's taken a while to build my stamina up on that thing, but it's a lot like jogging..The pace is quick, so I do like that. Unfortunatley, I'm not physically up to doing it for a long period of time, but at least I'm moving.

PMS seems to be getting better. I think it's almost "that time". I wouldn't be suprised if my "friend" comes to visit in the next few days. That's cool though. That just means that any water weight I'm carrying around will go away as well as the moodiness.

I have my doctors appt. next week to talk to her about the PMS. As reported in previous posts, I feel like the PMS has gotten worse since I started this life change. I'm thinking maybe my hormones are outta whack (worse than before) or maybe some other chemical imbalance. We'll see. While I'm there I'm going to have her check my blood stuff (my thyroid was why I went to her orginially, though it turned out it was ok..thank goodness) and make sure everything is A OK.

Christmas is right around the corner and I haven't shopped yet for anyone. I just can't seem to get the Christmas spirit in me this year. I haven't even bothered with the tree..which is something that I have ALWAYS loved doing. Just ain't feelin it...:(

On a side note..........

I'm a regular viewer of the website NAAFA (see Links). I like going and reading the board because I feel like I can relate to the people and they me. I've noticed as of late that we've had a lot of trolls (people who come on their to post shit and put folks down) and I'm just bothered by the entire thing. Why on earth would they take time out of their day to do something like that? As Dr. Phil would say, what is their payoff? I can't see that there is one, other than maybe they really are SO uncertain of their own self worth that they feel the need to belittle other's in order to feel better about them. What exactly is that all about? I guess I need to pull out my old Psych 101 book and find out. I just don't get it. What drives people to hurt others? Human nature doesn't seem to work that way, but then again....I guess it does if your human nature is warped. The worst part of it all is that there are people on that board really struggling with accepting themselves as a good person (because as any fat person can tell you, it's hard sometimes to seperate the person from the weight. If you've been told your entire life that being fat is bad, then the next resonable step is to think that because you're fat, you in fact are bad) and I hate to think that it may bother even one single person. Most of the folks blow it off and tell them how immature and stupid they really are, but I wonder about that one lurker who it might bother...and in turn drive them deeper in to sadness.......It's a shame we live in a nation full of hate mongers...and being fat really is "ok" to hate these days.

But by the same token.....I've recently gotten interested (don't ask why) in reading Pro-Ana sites. I have this strange, morbid fascination with them. In case you don't know what I'm talking about, Pro-Ana sites are designed for people who are anorexic and do NOT want to be in recovery. They give each other tips on how to fool family members and doctors, what helps them to fast and various other things....which I find extremely weird. They hate their bodies because they perceieve they are at fat (at 83 pounds mind you) and their biggest fear is to gain weight. It doesn't matter to them that death may be the only way they will stop...in fact, I don't think I'm out of line to suggest that some of them would welcome it..because it would stop their "madness".

Bottom line.......society needs a SERIOUS wake up call. No, I'm not asking for anyone to accept me as fat, just as the anorexic is not asking for acceptance to starve themself..but what we are asking for is for tolerance, compassion and understanding that we are free to be whom we want to be...medical problems associated with these things are of no consequence to anyone but our friends or families..and even they need to realize that its a personal decision...people ask for help when and if, and only when and if, they are ready for it.....and until they do, it's of no consequence (or shouldn't be) what we do or don't do. I know that may sound warped...but I do believe it. Secondly, when the beauty standard is measured against a woman (or women) who medically speaking would be considered anorexic..we might want to take a look at what we perceieve as ugly. We need more heart and soul...too bad we can't pick that up at 7-11.

December 7, 2002

So, it's Saturday. I haven't had a good day today. Well, the last couple of days have sucked ass, but I really freaked out today. So much for my "exceptional mood" the beginning of the week. Guess that was my body giving me one last good day before it dragged me down into the hormonal abyss....Let me explain....

First things first. The "dick" who hit my car...turns out he doesn't have insurance. Yeah..double yeah. So, after having Geico jerk my chain for three weeks, I find this out and have to file on my insurance. No word yet on whether or not I'll have to pay a deductible...I hope not :(..I'm one of the millions of working poor folks...I have enough to live and play (a little) but that's it. We'll just have to see...so yes, I'm a little down about all that.

Secondly, PMS has arrived in full force. I feel the need to rip off just about everyone's head and shit down their necks...and that is me being nice :). I can't wait for the doctors appointment so I can see what can be done about all this hormonal stuff!

Thirdly...and probably because of the PMS..I feel absolutley no desire to work out. I haven't worked out in 4 days now...and while I do wish I would, I don't feel bad enough about it to actually do it. I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day and I can start fresh...here's to hoping that works..tomorrow..In addition to that, I totally binged today. Granted, I didn't eat like I used to and I ate healthier things, I totally ate because of the PMS, not because I was hungry. I hate that I did that, since I feel like I have more control than that...

Hopefully this PMS bullshit will be over soon---so I can feel more like a sane person again. ughh..

(crawls under covers to pout....)

December 2, 2002

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggggrrr...work sucks a big fat one!

I will say this, I was in an exceptional mood all day long and it kinda rubbed off on to others. Tis all good :). I didn't stress too bad (nevermind that thing up there) it was ok. I know it's going to get worse as the week progresses, so I'm keeping an open mind and heart. In with anger...out with love..HA!

So...Dr. Phil has been doing A LOT of fat shows recently. His major thing is that you choose to be fat. It's a lack of discipline (sp?) and laziness (not lazy as in you don't do anything, lazy as in your set in habits). I agree and disagree with him. I hate the fact that every psychologist is quick to say that food is the medicine for some internal brain fart your having. I don't think that is at all what my problem is/was. I think I ate out of boredom. No deep dark secrets hiding here. I didn't exercise because I was lazy and it's sooo much easier to sit on the sofa and watch television than get up and ride the bike for 40 minutes or jog for 15, whatever the case may be. I think they over-do the analysis sometimes. Oh well, I guess that's what he get's paid the mega bucks for, eh? I do however think it it hard work to change a lifestyle habit. If you are used to sitting on your butt and eating poor food choices, it's hard work to get up and get moving and make healthy eating choices. Life is work, where is the mystery in that?

I do wish Dr. Phil would take a step back and realize that being fat is not bad. If you want to be fat, be fat. Be happy and be fat. Be happy..period. Not everyone who is fat wants to be thin, just like not everyone who is bald (listen up here Phil) wants hair, not everyone who is old wants to be young again. There are prices for every choice we make in life..nothing is free from it's problems. The grass isn't always...well, you get the point. I guess what I'm saying is that rather than shove mental issues down someones throat as the reason they are (insert problem), take a step back and say, "If (insert problem) makes you happy, then don't worry about it. If it doesn't, then change. Easy enough? Should be...never is...again, that's called.....LIFE.

December 1, 2002

"I'm not happy when I try to fake it....oooh..."Cause I'm easy...I'm easy like Sunday morning...."

So here we are. December 1st, 2002.  The year is almost over.  It's hard to believe.  I feel like saying, "When did I turn around and the year passed me by?".  I know that it didn't, I've been here ALL along and it's just that time will fly...forever.

I guess first I should give a turkey day report.  While I didn't stick to my original plan-which was to eat one plate as much as I wanted-but I couldn't go back for seconds, I did however only go twice and got minimal servings each time.  The biggest difference was that this year after I was done eating, I didn't feel bad (meaning, I didn't eat to the point of being miserable).  I was full, but not so full that I only wanted to lay around or sit there and say to myself how I wouldn't eat like that next year.  So, it was good all around.  The highlights of the event were that my mom got sick mid way through and we (my sister, and cousins) were left to put everything up. It was fun....one of my cousins used enough aluminum foil to tune in radio free Europe :).  The second highlight involved this same cousin. She wore turquoise thongs to dinner which you could see quite plainly every time she bent over to pick something up.  I would never...but that's another story.

I got in a funk Friday night.  I think that it was because I thought someone was making fun of me at the grocery store on Friday.  I take that back, it really began before that when I realized I was 28, it was Friday night and my big plans consisted of going to the grocery.  The incident at the store only made me feel worse. I guess it never ceases to amaze me how rude an inconsiderate some people are :(

My funk lasted on in to the night--after talking to a friend on the telephone and finding out he too was funked out. We made great company :)...I went off to dreamland (after being accosted quite enough on the internet "what are you wearing?" , "are you horny?"..?!?!?!WTF ever) and had the strangest dream.  I dreamt that I was in this house, it was black and white and there was a woman there that I had seen on Oprah about a month ago when she did her "What it's like to be obese" show.  She was sitting there and was sad and she said she couldn't leave the house. I told her that I  would help her. So I started stomping through the hallways, saying aloud to no one that she could leave and it was ok. This man came out of nowhere, no one that I knew and said no, she couldn't go.  I said that she could and got even angrier ( I could feel his anger from his facial expressions).  He came towards me and then vanished.  Suddenly the house was in color.  She came to me and thanked me for helping her, over and over.  I said it was ok and by then we were outside the house. I told her I had lots of good history with this house and when I turned around to look at it, it was my grandmother's house (my father's mom, she passed away 9 years ago).  We walked around for a few and then the phone rang and I woke up. I went to answer the phone and talked to an ambulance chaser (people are calling me still about the wreck to find out if I am ok and if I want to go to the dr.) and said that I was fine. I got off the phone, went to the bathroom to potty and just started to cry. I cried for like, 2 minutes and finally said, "What's wrong with me?" like, why am I crying? and I stopped just like that.  It was all very very weird.  I've been thinking about it and the best explanation I've come up with is that the girl from Oprah is really me...and I am trying to help myself away from being unhealthy/overweight (or the house in my dream, the man in the dream--representing that).  I don't know why my grandmother's house was there..unless that was the closest thing my mind could find to identify that house (ask me more about that another time...how your mind will make something in your mind..and will find the closest thing it can to identify it to you...so while it looks like one thing, it really is another.) It was all very strange...and I'm still intrigued by it all.

I was better last night...I exercised for about an hour and I felt a lot better.  I do however think that I need to A. Pump up the exercise a bit or b. Watch my food intake more closely and possibly lower my caloric intake.  In other words, I think I've hit a plateau.  I've been at or around the same weight since my last weigh-in.  Nothing drastic as changed (I may have eaten a bit more here and there, but not by any large margin).  I know that it's going to happen, you can't loose weight and it not happen.  I'm just going to keep on keeping on.

I dread work tomorrow.  I may post to get my frustrations about it out....tomorrow is the first day on our new computer system....and I'm SOOOOOOOOO not ready. I just hope everything doesn't get completely FUBAR'd.