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Marriages and Family
Most current-day weddings in Nigeria (or at least in MY culture) follow more western processes, in terms of the weddings being held at church, the bride being in a white gown, the groom being in a suit, some entourage, and a reception following, during which the couple usually are in traditional attire and eat traditional food, and play a combination of American music and traditional music. Some wedding ceremonies are also held in a courtroom rather than a church. (I am not sure how a mosque wedding goes.) In this section of the site, I will try to recreate what I've been able to gather that a TRADITIONAL WEDDING PROCESS would involve. (As with any part of this site, if you are very knowledgeable in this area, feel free to help me out.)
Traditionally, for a couple to be married, there are two stages that they would go through:
THE 'INTRODUCTION'
This is the part of the ceremony where the groom's family introduces themselves to the bride's family, and asks for their daughter's hand in marriage to their son. It would take place before the engagement ceremony or wedding.
Even though they are not married yet, I will refer to the bride-to-be as the bride, and refer to the groom-to-be as the groom.
The participants of this are:
The groom and his family
Olopa Iduro (this translates to 'standing policeman'): an appointed speaker by the groom's family; could be a family member, or hired for the occasion.
The bride and her family
Olopa Ijoko (this translates to 'sitting policeman'): an appointed speaker by the bride's family; could be a family member, or hired for the occasion.
Others if the families so choose.
The introduction takes place at the bride's house, and her family is responsible for the preparations and costs, but if the groom's family is able to, they can suggest helping out with some of the costs and/or the food. Both parties are in traditional attire, and I have not heard anywhere that these have to be matching.
Though "African time" (the concept where nobody is expected to actually arrive at an event at the posted time...even when I was late, I was always the first one at events) is common in Nigeria as well, the groom's family is expected to be on time for this event. If they are late, the bride's family may ask them to leave, or to pay a price for being late.
Upon entrance into the bride's home, the groom's family kneels (the women do that) or prostrate (the men do that) for the bride's parents.
The groom's family and the bride's family sit on opposite sides of the room, with the bride and groom sitting closer to the center, and the olopa iduro and olopa ijoko sitting in the very middle.
The olopa iduro introduces the groom and his family to the bride and her family. He then brings a proposal letter from the groom's family, usually tied with a pink ribbon, and gives it to the groom's family, through the olopa ijoko. The letter is read out, and responded to verbally on the spot. Since this is mostly a formality, and it is already known that the couple will marry, there usually is not much rejection at this point.
In the past, it was customary for the groom's family to provide the bride's family with a dowry (owo-ori-iyawo) that would go to the bride's parents to compensate for some of the costs of raising her. Nowadays, if a dowry is offered, it usually goes directly to the bride. I think the dowry would have been given at about the time of the letter, but I am not sure. (Here is an interesting article about the dowry in Ghana.)
Usually, a prayer is said at this point, and some symbolic items of food are tasted by the olopa's and then passed around to the guests. These include:
obi (kola nut) is shared, during which the following words are repeated:
Won ma gbo (they will ripen)
Won ma to (they will eat and not go hungry)
Won ma d'agba (they will grow old)
ata ire: this consists of many seeds, and it is opened up, and the superstition is that the number of seeds that fall out is the number of children the couple will bear.
oyin (honey), sugar, ireke (sugar cane): these all symbolize that the union will be sweet
(In some cases, I think this takes place at the Engagement.)
Some additional words may be exchanged, then gifts are exchanged, and then the families and guests eats traditional food, and there may be singers and drummers for some celebration later.
THE ENGAGEMENT
Sometimes the engagement ceremony takes place right after the Introduction. Traditionally, a couple is married after the engagement ceremony. Nowadays, I believe there has to be a legal registration of the couple.
The engagement ceremony also takes place at the bride's house, and her family is once again responsible for that. Both parties are dressed in aso oke, which is more fancy and more expensive Nigerian attire.
The symbolic food may be passed around again. The couple usually gives each other a Bible or Quran, give each other rings, and they may say some words to each other.
The bride usually has her face covered during the ceremony. When the ceremony is over, and everyone goes 'outside' to eat, she usually waits indoors until she is called out for. Then she comes out (usually with a friend, still with her face covered), and kneels before her parents so that they may pray for her. Then she kneels before the groom's parents so that they may pray for her. Then she sits by the groom, and this is when she is unveiled, as she sits to eat with everybody.
Along with the food, there is usually a cake in the shape of a Bible or Quran
After the couple is married, they go to the groom's house (his house, not necessarily his family's house). The custom is that the bride should arrive at his home before he does, and that she must wash her legs before entering, and be there to meet him when he arrives.
(Somewhere in here, the bride changes her surname to that of her husband's.)
If the couple can afford it, they do take a honeymoon, and hopefully they live happily ever after.
Customs that used to take place in some of the Nigerian cultures are:
The bride-to-be was kept in a 'fattening room' for a period of time, where she was well fed, and taught how to be a good wife. She would usually come out of the room fatter than before.
The bride-to-be was 'cleansed' by taking a special bath before going to her husband.
Right after the 'wedding ceremony', the bride has her feet washed so that she is going to her husband clean.
Rather than bringing out the real bride at the engagement party, another woman may come out disguised as the bride to see if the groom is able to tell the difference.
MARRIAGE TIDBITS
The following are facts/trends in the marriage structure. Just to answer some questions I've received.
Though traditionally, both parties were supposed to be virgins on the wedding night (unless it is not the groom's first marriage of course), at least in the Yoruba culture, it is common nowadays for the bride to be pregnant before the wedding, because the couple wants to ensure that they can have children (this is not allowed in Christian religion though, where abstinence before marriage is still preached).
Polygamy is legal for the male in Nigeria
...but not in the Christian religion.
In traditional beliefs, a man is allowed to have unlimited number of wives.
In the Muslim religion, it is legal for a man to have up to 4 wives at any one time.
The first wife is supposed to have the greatest status, but the most recent wife is usually considered the 'favorite'.
Though it is legal, polygamy is becoming less common because of the economics of the country.
In polygamous households, the man is supposed to be financially responsible for the family.
In most households, most religions, the man is the head of the household.
Arranged marriages used to be more common in terms of an arbitrator looking for a spouse for a young man or woman.
In some cultures, I think arranged marriages in terms of children being promised in marriage at young ages were also more common.
FAMILY TIDBITS
The following are just facts/trends in the family structure. Once again, just to answer some questions I've received.
Family is extremely important to most Nigerians.
The nuclear family in a Nigerian home consists of the father, his wife (or wives in polygamous homes), and their children. The extended family consists of all the relatives.
Nigerians believe in having plenty of children, and usually really close together in age. This is decreasing though because of the economics.
Most extended Nigerian families are called "uncle, aunt, cousin, mother, father, grandmother" (depending on age, and gender of course). Some of these terms are very loosely used. Your mom's brother, her cousin, her second cousin, their cousin, would all be called your 'uncle'.
In most families, there is a strong family bond, and the phrase "blood is thicker than water" has a deep meaning.
In the Yoruba culture, women are usually known by the name of their firstborn child. So, most people would call my mother "mama-Bunmi".
In many cultures, for a variety of reasons, a child is named on the 8th day (the birth-day is the 1st day, so the 8th day is exactly a week later) of their life. A whole 'naming ceremony' usually accompanies this.
Though this is also changing, most men are raised with the expectation that someday they will have a wife (or wives) to take care of them, and most women are raised with the expectation that someday they will have a husband and children to take care of. So, the standards for raising them can differ in some households.
In most neighborhoods, the neighbors take a part in taking care of a child. A lot of people feel like they were 'raised by the neighborhood'.
OTHER SOURCES
Yoruba Marriage in Nigeria
Yoruba Naming Ceremony
Marriage among the Igbo of Nigeria
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