Full Report | Proof of Concept

Think the Chinese chow you're eating right now is authentic? Well wake up bananas* and oreos**! Think again rice chasers trying to score a date with your catalog bride! How does one tell if a Chinese food joint is the real-deal-Holyfield? Just simply print out this checklist and if there are more than five items that are checked off, you better check out immediately (i.e. ask for the tab and shortchange the broken-English-speaking bucktoothed waiter of any gratuity and then get the f*** out of dodge; in that order).

Chinese muzak (invoking Oriental places of grandeur such as a Ming dynasty courtyard setting) blaring in the background

Disposable chopsticks wrapper has instructions for how to use them.

Example:

step 1) break chopsticks into its constituent halves.

step 2) ram chopsticks up bunghole.

step 3) wiggle chopsticks rammed up cornhole like you're playing Street Fighter executing 'special moves' (i.e. Zangief's pile driver or Ryu's sho-ryo-ken uppercut).

step 4) refer to step 1)

Dubious-vintage-and-authenticity Chinese lanterns hang from the ceiling

Dessert consists of fortune cookies with winning lotto number suggestions

There is a sign under the Chinese food establishment's sign that says 'cocktails'

Statuette of budda placed strategically at entrance of establishment

No Top Ramen on the menu - utter Okama annoyance!

The paper placemats display the twelve Chinese zodiac signs (which one are you?)

The only Chinese people in the restaurant are waiters and waitresses

Menu includes chicken/beef/pork egg-foo-young and chop-suey

The food sucks!

There are dispensers for salt, pepper, sugar (for oolong tea nevertheless quaffed by the naive hakujin patrons), and packets of Nutrasweet (same deal as for the sugar) on table

The whitey clientele are pouring soy sauce over white rice.


* Yellow on the outside, white on the inside; hence an Oree-enul facing severe chronic identity crisis.

** Bl*ck on the outside, white on the inside: the converse of this corollary is also conditionally true but ObR won't even go there.

Sign of an authentic buffet-style Chinese food establishment. The actual restaurant. This place was located in a Mexican neighborhood. Can you say 'identity crisis'?' Okama bets one can order a 'boba-tea chow-mein burrito' here. Another surefire choice when the oriental food cravings are out of control. Close up of eatery. Looks like they are expanding horizons.

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