Vernon: All right people, we're gonna try something a little different today. We are going to write an essay--of no less than a thousand words--describing to me who you think you are.
Bender: Is this a test?
Vernon: And when I say essay... I mean essay. I do not mean a single word repeated a thousand times. Is that clear Mr. Bender?
Bender: Crystal...

Vernon: Questions?
Bender: Yeah, I've got a question. Does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?

That man is a brownie-hound.--Bender, about Vernon

You keep eating your hand and you're not gonna be hungry for lunch...--Bender, to a nail-biting Allison

Are you guys like boyfriend/girlfriend? Steady dates? Lo-vers?--Bender, to Andrew and Claire

Sweets, you couldn't ignore me if you tried.--Bender to Claire

Bender: [to Claire] Hey... Cherry... do you belong to the physics club?
Claire: That's an academic club.
Bender: So?
Claire: So...academic clubs aren't the same as other kinds of clubs.
Bender: Oh, but to dorks like him... they are. [to Brian] What do you guys do in your club?
Brian: In physics, um, we ah, we talk about physics... about properties of physics.
Bender: So it's sorta social...demented and sad, but social. Right?

Vernon: [to Bender] Give me that screw...
Bender: I don't have it...
Vernon: You want me to yank you outta that seat and shake it out of you?
Bender: I don't have it... screws fall out all of the time, the world's an imperfect place...
Vernon: Give it to me, Bender...
Claire: Excuse me, sir, why would anybody want to steal a screw?

How come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, IT'LL BE ANARCHY!--Bender

Andrew: [watching Bender shred a book] That's real intelligent.
Bender: You're right. Its wrong to destroy literature. It's so fun to read. And Mo-Lay really pumps my knads.
Claire: [correcting Bender's pronunciation] Moliere.

Bender: Dork?
Brian: Yeah?
Bender: You are a parent's wet dream, okay?
Brian: Well, that's a problem!
Bender: Look, I can see you getting all bunged up for them making you wear these kinda clothes. But face it, you're a Neo-Maxi-Zoom-Dweebie. What would you be doing if you weren't out making yourself a better citizen?

Andrew: Yeah well, he's got a name!
Bender: Yeah?
Andrew: Yeah! [to Brian] What's your name?

Claire: [to Bender] What's your name?
Bender: What's yours?
Claire: Claire.
Bender: Cl-laire?
Claire: Claire. It's a family name.
Bender: Oh, it's a fat girl's name.
Claire: Oh, thank you.
Bender: You're welcome.
Claire: I'm not fat.
Bender: Well not at present, but I can see you really pushing maximum density. See I'm not sure if you know this, but there are two kinds of fat people: there's fat people that were born to be fat, and there's fat people that were once thin but became fat... so when you look at 'em you can sorta see that thin person inside. You see, you're gonna get married, you're gonna squeeze out a few puppies and then, uh... [makes disgusting noises]

Bender: [to Claire] Have you ever kissed a boy on the mouth? Have you ever been felt up? Over the bra, under the blouse, shoes off... hoping to God your parents don't walk in?
Claire: Do you want me to puke?
Bender: Over the panties, no bra, blouse unbuttoned, Calvin's in a ball on the front seat past eleven on a school night?

Bender: Excuse me, Dick--I mean, Rich--will milk be made available to us?
Claire: I have a really low tolerance for dehydration.
Andrew: I've seen her dehydrate, sir, it's pretty gross.

Bender: [looks at Claire's lunch] What's that?
Claire: Sushi...
Bender: Sushi?
Claire: Rice, uh, raw fish and seaweed.
Bender: You won't accept a guys tongue in your mouth and you're gonna eat that?

Bender: Well, Brian, this is a very nutritious lunch. All the food groups are represented. Did your mom marry Mr. Rogers?
Brian: No, uh... Mr. Johnson.

Claire: [to Bender] How do you know where Vernon went?
Bender: I don't...
Claire: Well then, how do you know when he'll be back?
Bender: I don't. Being bad feels pretty good, huh?

Bender: [crawling through vents] A naked blond walks into a bar, with a poodle under one arm and a two- foot salami under the other. She lays the poodle on the table. Bartender says, "I suppose you won't be needing a drink." The lady says... [the ceiling collapses] Oh shit! [looks up from the rubbage at the other four] Forgot my pencil.

Vernon: What was that ruckus?
Andrew: Uh, what ruckus?
Vernon: I was just in my office and I heard a ruckus.
Brian: Could you describe the ruckus, sir?

Allison: [to Brian] Your middle name is Ralph--as in puke--your birth date's March 12th, you're 5'9 and a half, you weigh 130 pounds and your social security number is 049-38-0913.
Andrew: Wow! Are you psychic?
Allison: No.
Brian: Well, would you mind telling me how you know all this about me?
Allison: [mischeviously waving wallet] I stole your wallet.

Andrew: What do you need a fake I.D. for?
Brian: So I can vote!

I'm not a nymphomaniac. I'm a compulsive liar.--Allison

When you get older, your heart dies.--Allison

Brian: I'm a fucking idiot because I can't make a lamp?
Bender: No, you're a genius because you can't make a lamp.
Brian: What do you know about trigonometry?
Bender: I could care less about trigonometry.
Brian: Bender, did you know without trigonometry there would be no engineering?
Bender: Without lamps there'd be no light.

Claire: [doing Allison's makeup] You know, you look a lot better without all that black shit under your eyes.
Allison: Hey, I like all that black shit... Why are you being so nice to me?
Claire: Because you're letting me.

Dear Mr. Vernon: We accept the fact that we had to sacrifice a whole Saturday in detention for whatever it was we did wrong. But, we think you're crazy to make us write an essay telling you who we think we are. You see us as you want to see us: in the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain, and an athlete, a basket case, a princess, and a criminal. Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, The Breakfast Club.

10 Things I Hate About You

Miss Perky: I'm sure you won't find Padua any different than your old school. [crap hits window] Same little asswipe shit-for-brains everywhere!
Cameron: Excuse me? Did you just say...? Am I in the right office?

Miss Perky: Patrick Verona. I see we're making our visits a weekly ritual.
Patrick: [smiling] Only so we can have these moments together. Should I, uh, get the lights?
Miss Perky: Oh, very clever, kangaroo boy. Says here you exposed yourself in the cafeteria?
Patrick: I was joking with the lunch lady. It was a bratwurst.

Michael: [pointing] And these delusionals are the White Rasta. Uh, they're big Marley fans. They think they're black. Semi-political, but mostly...
Cameron: Smoke a lot of weed?
Michael: Yeah.

Yesterday, I was their god.--Michael, about the future MBAs

I burn, I pine, I perish!--Cameron, after seeing Bianca for the first time

Bianca: See, there's a difference between like and love. Because I like my Skechers, but I love my Prada backpack.
Chastity: But I love my Sketchers.
Bianca: That's 'cause you don't have a Prada backpack.
Chastity: Oh!

Romantic? Hemingway? He was an abusive alcoholic misogynist who squandered half his life hanging around Picasso trying to nail his leftovers.--Kat, in response to The Sun Also Rises

I guess in this society being male and an asshole makes you worthy of our time.--Kat, to Joey

Joey: Uh, Mr. Morgan, is there any chance we could get Kat to take her Midol before she comes to class?
Mr. Morgan: [to Joey] Someday you're gonna get bitch-slapped and I won't do a thing to stop it. [to Kat] And Kat. I want to thank you for your point of view. I know how difficult it must be for you to overcome all those years of upper middle class suburban oppression. It must be tough. But the next time you storm around the PTA crusading for better lunch meat--or whatever it is you white girls complain about--ask them why they can't buy a book written by a black man!
White Rasta Kids: That's right, mon!
Mr. Morgan: Don't even get me started on you two!
Kat: Anything else?
Mr. Morgan: Yeah, go to the office. You're pissing me off.

Miss Perky: So I hear you were terrorizing Mr. Morgan's class. Again.
Kat: Expressing my opinion is not a terrorist action.

I still maintain he kicked himself in the balls.--Kat, about Bobby Ridgeway

Ms. Perky: People perceive you as somewhat...
Kat: Tempeturous?
Ms. Perky: Heinous bitch is the term used most often.

Chastity: I know you can be overwhelemed and underwhelmed, but can you ever just be whelmed?
Bianca: I think you can in Europe.

Walter: Hello, Katarina. Make anyone cry today?
Kat: Sadly, no. But it's only four-thirty.

Kat: [after opening acceptance letter; screaming with joy] I got in! I got in!
Walter: Uh, honey, that's great. But isn't Sarah Lawrence on the other side of the country?
Kat: Thus the basis of its appeal!

Walter: This morning I delivered a set of twins to a fifteen year old girl. Do you know what she said to me?
Bianca: I'm a crackwhore who should have made my sleazy boyfriend wear a condom?

Bianca: Where did you come from, Planet Loser?
Kat: As opposed to Planet "Look at Me, Look at Me!"?

Walter: Old rule out. New rule in. Bianca can date. When she does. [points to Kat]
Bianca: But she's a mutant! What if she never dates?
Walter: Then you'll never date--ooh, I like that.

You're asking me out? That's soo cute! What was your name again?--Bianca, to Cameron

Patrick: Well, let's think about this. We go to the movies. That's, uh, fifteen bucks. We get popcorn. That's, uh, fifty-three. And, uh, she'll want Raisonettes, right? So, uh, we're lookin' at seventy-five bucks.
Joey: This ain't negotiation. Take it or leave it, trailer park.
Patrick: Fifty bucks and we've got a deal, Fabio.

Patrick: I'll take you places you've never been before.
Kat: Like where, the 7-11 on Broadway? Do you even know my name, Screw Boy?

I'm not hostile... I'm annoyed.--Kat, to Bianca

Patrick: Not a big talker, huh?
Kat: Depends on the topic. My fenders don't really whip me into a verbal frenzy.

What is this, Asshole Day?--Kat, dealing with both Joey and Patrick

Walter: "WHOOPS?!" My insurance does not cover PMS!
Kat: Tell them I had a seizure.

Michael: Sweet love, renew thy force.
Patrick: Don't say shit like that to me. People can hear you.

You're eighteen. You don't know what you want. And you won't know what you want until you're forty-five. And when you get it, you'll be too old to use it.--Walter, to Kat

What is it with this chick? Does she have beer-flavored nipples or what?--Patrick to Cameron, about Bianca

Patrick: Look. I'm in on this for the cash. Donner can plow whoever he wants.
Cameron: Okay, there will be no plowing!

Cameron: She's not a...
Bianca: KD Lang fan? No. I found a picture of Jared Leto in her drawer once, so I'm pretty sure she's not harboring same-sex tendencies.

Michael: [to Patrick] Just one question before we start: should you be drinking alcohol when you don't have a liver?
Patrick: What?!
Michael: Nothing, nothing...

Patrick: Come to Bogey's party with me.
Kat: You never give up, do you?
Patrick: Is that a yes?
Kat: No!
Patrick: Is that a no?
Kat: [laughing] No!

Chastity: Mr. Stratford, it's just a party.
Walter: And hell is just a sauna.

The last party I went to was at Chuck-E-Cheese. You wanna talk about some fun? That's a good time.--Michael

Cameron: She never wanted me. She wanted Joey the whole time.
Patrick: Cameron, do you like the girl?
Cameron: Yeah.
Patrick: Yeah, and is she worth all this trouble?
Cameron: Well, I thought she was, but you know...
Patrick: Well, she is or she isn't. See first of all, Joey is not half the man you are. Secondly, don't let anyone ever make you feel like you don't deserve what you want. Go for it.

Kat: You're so patronizing.
Patrick: Leave it to you to use big words when you're smashed.

Kat: Why are you doing this?
Patrick: I told you. You may have a concussion.
Kat: You don't care if I never wake up.
Patrick: Sure I do.
Kat: Why?
Patrick: Well then, because then I'd have to start taking out girls who actually like me.
Kat: Like you could find one.
Patrick: See that, there? Who needs affection when I have blind hatred?

Kat: [drunkenly pointing at the car radio] I should do this!
Patrick: Do what?
Kat: This!
Patrick: Start a band?
Kat: No, install car stereos.

You know, you're not as vile as I thought you were.--Kat, to Patrick

Kat: Tell me something true.
Patrick: Something true? I hate peas.

I'm down, I've got the 411, and you are not going out and getting jiggy with some boy--I don�t care how dope his ride is!--Walter, to Bianca

The shit hath hitteth the fannith.--Michael to Cameron, about Kat discovering the bet

Walter: Where is she going?
Kat: She's meeting some bikers. Big ones. Full of sperm.
Walter: Funny.

I hate the way you talk to me, and the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car; I hate it when you stare. I hate your big dumb combat boots, and the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick; it even makes me rhyme. I hate it, I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh, even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you. Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.--Kat, reading her sonnet

Sixteen Candles

Chronologically you�re sixteen today. Physically you�re still fifteen.--Sam

Mrs. Baker: Now don't give me that pouty look of yours. You can eat your carrots when you get home.
Sam: That's it? You don't have anything else to say to me today?
Mrs. Baker: What would you like to say, Sam? Come on now honey, you're gonna miss the bus. Have a good day.
Sam: I can't believe this. They fucking forgot my birthday!

Everything's getting shittier. My family forgetting my birthday just makes it more vivid.--Sam

Randy: Why don't you remind them? They'll feel some massive guilt, it could be highly profitable.
Sam: I wouldn't stoop to remind them. Since I was about twelve I've been looking forward to my sweet sixteen. You know, a big party and a band, tons of people...
Randy: ...and big TransAm in the driveway with a ribbon around it... and some incredibly gorgeous guy that you meet like in France, and you could do it on a cloud without getting pregnant or herpes.
Sam: I don't need the cloud.
Randy: Just a big TransAm and a guy, right?
Sam: A black one.
Randy: A black guy?
Sam: [laughing] A black TransAm; a pink guy.

Jake: Do you know Samantha Baker?
Guy: Sophomore, right?
Jake: Yeah, what do you think of her?
Guy: I don't.

I loathe the bus. There has to be a more dignified mode of transportation.--Sam, getting on the bus in the afternoon

Geek: So what's the story, you got a guy or what?
Sam: Yes, three big ones and they lust wimp blood, so quit bugging me or I'll sick them all over your weenie ass.

I can't believe my grandmother actually felt me up.--Sam

What's happenin', hot stuff?--Long Duk Dong

I don't suppose it makes any difference to you but there's a very weird Chinese guy up in Mike's room.--Sam, to her mom

Sam: I think I'm in love.
Jenny: So, how long have you been in love?
Sam: Well it hasn't really happened yet.
Jenny: So what's the deal?
Sam: I'm not sure that he knows I exist.
Jenny: Sam, I really don't have time for this.
Sam: Well I'm sorry. I always listen to you talk about your boyfriends.
Jenny: Darling, is something bothering you? You're really acting like... an asshole. And I think I know what it is. I think you're jealous that I'm getting married and that I'm getting all the attention.
Sam: You know everyone in this family has just gone totally Outer Limits.
Jenny: No, Sam, I think you're just being a little selfish and immature.
Sam: [sarcastic] Oh yes, that's it. That's exactly it. [leaves]
Jenny: [clueless] Unbelievable. You make someone a bridesmaid and they shit all over you.

Very clever dinner. Appetizing food fitting neatly into interesting round pie.--Dong, on the quiche

Sam: I wonder if Jake's here.
Randy: I don't think it's too healthy to get all jacked up about some guy that isn�t even a thing yet.
Sam: Yeah, well when you don't have anything, you don't have anything to lose, right?
Randy: That's a cheerful thought.

Sam: This is Farmer Fred.
Geek: Ted.
Sam: Oh, I'm sorry, this is Farmer Ted.
Geek: I'm not really a farmer, I'm a freshman.

Geek: Do you know anything about floppy disks?
Sam: Um, we'll talk about this on the bus, okay?
Geek: Well, no, see the thing is I've got kind of a problem. Floppy disks are pretty expensive and the thing is I made a bet with my friends, the dipshits, I bet them that I could do it with you. But was before I knew you as a person. I can get proof without actually getting physical.
Sam: How?
Geek: Can I borrow your underpants for ten minutes?

God, I love it when your parents are out of town. I fantasize that I'm your wife and we're like, the richest and most popular adults in town. I owe all my great weekends to you.--Caroline, to Jake

Donger's here for five hours and he's got somebody. I live here my whole life and I'm like a disease.--Sam

Geek: This is, uh, your car, Jake?
Jake: No, this is my dad's car. You said you couldn't drive a stick.
Geek: This is a mother...! This is a Rolls Royce, Jake.
Jake: So?
Geek: So! I heard the grain alone cost five grand on this. Five grand! Do you have five grand? I don't have five grand.
Jake: Then don�t hit anything.

Sam: I have to go to this wedding and look like Miss Pretty Princess in this dipshit's bridesmaids dress. I don't even have one-tenth of the bod to fill the stupid bust up. So, what, should I just waste myself and spare the agony?
Randy: I was gonna tell you something, but maybe I shouldn't. It's pretty bad.
Sam: You may as well, nothing could shock me anymore.
Randy: Last night at the dance my brother paid a buck to see your underwear.
[Sam screams]

Ooh, no more yanky my wanky. Donger need food!--Dong

Geek: Where the hell am I?
Caroline: I'll tell you where you are if you tell me who you are.
Geek: I'm Farmer Ted.
Caroline: You're in the parking lot across the street from my church.
Geek: You own a church?

Sam: Thanks for getting my undies back.
Jake: Thanks for coming over.
Sam: Thanks for coming to get me.
Jake: Happy Birthday, Samantha. Make a wish.
Sam: Well, it already came true.
[they kiss]

Toy Story

Ages three and up. It's on my box. Ages three and up! I'm not supposed to be babysitting Princess Drool.--Mr. Potato Head

Mr. Potato Head: Hey, Hamm! Look! I'm Picasso!
Hamm: I don't get it. [walks away]
Mr. Potato Head: You uncultured swine!

I'm going for fearsome here, but I just don't feel it. I think I'm just coming off as annoying.--Rex, to Woody

Woody: Has everyone picked a moving buddy?
Hamm: Moving buddy?! You can't be serious!
Rex: Well, I didn't know we were supposed to have one already.
Mr. Potato Head: [waving his arm out its socket] Do we have to hold hands?
[the toys laugh]

But what if Andy gets another dinosaur? A mean one? I just don't think I can take that kind of rejection.--Rex

Hamm: [watching Andy's friends carrying birthday presents] Yessir, we're next month's garage sale fodder for sure.
Rex: [panicky] Any dinosaur-shaped ones?
Hamm: Ah, for crying out loud, they're all in boxes, you idiot! [presents keep coming]
Rex: They're getting bigger!
Slinky: Wait! There's a nice little one over there!
[at first, the kid's present appears to be a little box, but then the kid turns--the present is four feet long. The toys scream]
Mr. Spell: Spell the word "trashcan."
Rex: We're doomed!

Mrs. Potato Head, Mrs. Potato Head, Mrs. Potato Head... hey, I can dream, can't I?--Mr. Potato Head

Sargent: [over baby monitor] Okay, second present... it appears to be... okay, it's bed sheets.
Mr. Potato Head: Who invited THAT kid?!

Plus is positive, minus is negative!--Woody, to the toys trying to put the batteries in the baby monitor

Buzz: I am Buzz Lightyear. I come in peace.
Rex: Oh, I'm so glad you're not a dinosaur!

Mr. Potato Head: Hey, a laser! How come you don't have a laser, Woody?
Woody: It's not a laser! It's a little lightbulb that blinks.
Hamm: What's with him?
Mr. Potato Head: Laser-envy.
Woody: All right, that's enough. Look, we're all very impressed with Andy's new toy--
Buzz: Toy?
Woody: [spelling] T-O-Y. Toy. Buzz: Excuse me, I think the word you're searching for is Space Ranger.
Woody: The word I'm searching for... I can't say because there's preschool toys present.

I found my moving buddy.--Bo Peep, after watching Buzz "fly"

That's not flying! That's... falling with style!--Woody

You're mocking me, aren't you?--Buzz, to Woody

Slinky: It's Sid!
Rex: I thought he was at summer camp.
Hamm: They must have kicked him out early this year.

Woody: [pointing binoculars in his direction] THAT'S Sid.
Buzz: You mean that happy child?
Mr. Potato Head: That ain't no happy child!

Buzz: [about Sid] I could have stopped him.
Woody: Buzz, I would love to see you try. 'Course, I'd love to see you as a crater.

Woody: Wait a minute. You--you don't think I meant to knock Buzz out the window, do you, Potato Head?
Mr. Potato Head: That's Mr. Potato Head to you, you back-stabbin' murderer!
Woody: Now, it was an accident! Guys, c'mon now, you... you gotta believe me...
Slinky: We believe you, Woody. Right, Rex?
Rex: [backing away] Oh, I don't like confrontations!

Couldn't handle Buzz cuttin' in on your playtime, could ya, Woody? Didn't want to face the fact that Buzz just might be Andy's new favorite toy, so you got rid of him. Well, what if Andy starts playin' with me more, Woody, huh? You gonna knock me outta the window, too?--Mr. Potato Head

Buzz: I just want you to know that even though you tried to terminate me, revenge is not an idea we promote on my planet.
Woody: Oh. Oh, that's good.
Buzz: [getting in Woody's face] But we're not on my planet, are we?

Buzz: Sherrif, this is not a time to panic.
Woody: This is a perfect time to panic!

Woody: YOU. ARE. A. TOY!!! You aren't the real Buzz Lightyear, you're an action figure! You are a child's plaything!
Buzz: You are a sad, strange little man and you have my pity. Farewell.

First Alien: A stranger!
Second Alien: From the outside!
All Aliens: Oooooooh...

Buzz: [to aliens] Who's in charge here?
Aliens: [pointing up] The Claw...
First Alien: The Claw is our master.
Second Alien: The Claw chooses who will go and who will stay.
Woody: This is ludicrous.

Goodbye, my friends. I go on to a better place!--Alien, after being chosen by the Claw

I don't believe that man's ever been to medical school!--Buzz, watching Sid perform "surgery"

Buzz: I've set my laser from stun to kill.
Woody: [sarcastic] Oh, great, great. Yeah, and if anyone attacks us we can blink 'em to death.

Woody: I think you've had enough tea for today. Let's get you out of here, Buzz.
Buzz: [grabbing Woody] Don't you get it?! You see the hat? I am Mrs. Nesbit!

Years of Academy training... wasted!--Buzz

Did you all take stupid pills this morning?!--Mr. Potato Head

Wait a minute. I just lit a rocket. Rockets explode!--Woody

Woody: Aaaaaah! This is the part where we blow up!
Buzz: Not today!

Maybe Andy'll get another dinosaur, like a leaf-eater. That way, I could play the, uh, dominant predator.--Rex, to Slinky

Casanova

Casanova: I've never sought glory as a lover.
Sister Beatrice: What then, signor Casanova, do you seek?
Casanova: A moment that lasts a lifetime.

Dalfonso: Eternal damnation for one night with Casanova.
Sister Beatrice: [shrugging] Seems fair.

Dalfonso: You are charged with heresy. To wit: fornicating with a novice!
Casanova: She was hardly a novice.

Casanova: Casanova the philosopher, who devotes his life to the perfection of experience?
Francesca: No, Casanova the libertine, who devotes his life to seducing women.
Casanova: Well, we're obviously talking about the same person.

Give me a man who is man enough to give himself just to the woman who is worth him. If that woman were me, I would love him alone and forever.--Francesca