Aug 26th 2002
So I tell him We need to talk.

I've told him for over a week that we need to talk.
Finally he agrees to see me.
I have questions
How do I pay the bills on what you are depositing into my bank account? I mean... do you expect me to go to work???? hmmmm... even if he doesn't expect me to go to work I'm looking for work. I'm selling on ebay... I'm selling Tupperware... I'm doing okay. I am. But my question is still the same... do you EXPECT me to go to work?!!!!

We need to talk..
What about Andrea's birthday present? What about her graduation present? We put it off till a 'better time'. Well... not fair to her! And times are NOT getting better!!!

We need to talk...
The car is running weird
The faucet in my bathroom is leaking
The toilet over flowed
Fix it! Or I'm going to hire someone to fix it!!!

We need to talk...
I want you to come home
I want you to give up your relationship with Lisa
I miss you

We need to talk
You are taking the boys to the church camp???
You are going to the ocean on the way home???? With LISA????? Geez...!!!!!!!!

You need to make a decision...
You can have Lisa
Or you can have me, your wife
You CAN NOT have me and Lisa!!!

I said it and left...
Drove around for a bit...
Went back
Kevin... sitting on the bench
I came back
He blames me
Nothing new
Why can't he go to the ocean on the way home?
hmmmmm
You spent the weekend with her... sure her family was there
Sure there were others there
Still the same... you spent your time with her!!!!
I came back
Why???
What did it do for us?
NOTHING! but drive us farther apart


F*** YOU!!!


I left... I'm home... I call...
If you want to come home you can
no
SLAM!!

I won't call him again.
I won't ask him to come home again.
I won't go through this again

I do not care anymore

*tears* yeah... sure I don't care

I'm better than this... I do not need him. I'll prove it. Give me time. I'll show you. I do not need him.

I'm off to a hot bath... A good cry and my own bed.

I'll be okay

And tomorrow is another day

August 27th

Sooooo... awhile back I threw hubby's stuff out into the yard and told him to leave. He can't have a friendship with the OW. I won't tolerate it anymore.

Now I miss him. I want him back. I've begged... hate to admit it... I mean, tonight... I begged him to come home. I hate it that I did that. But I miss him. I miss the man I married. I miss my friendship with him.

He's not coming back home. I don't want to go to bed tonight. I don't want to be alone. I do not know what to do.

Here I sit in a quiet house thinking about him. Why do I do this? Torture. I told him I was going to find someone else... someone who would love me unconditionally.

*sigh*

I don't ever want to cry in front of him again. I have no intentions of letting him know how much I miss him. I want him to feel a fraction of the pain I feel... and I know he won't.

To feel the pain I feel he'd have to love me.

He doesn't. Therefore, he can't feel what I feel... no matter what I do. He won't feel even a fraction of what I feel. He can't understand the pain he's caused me. He does not care.

I want a companion... I want to be loved.

I don't like the person I am now.