We just finished our phone conversation a minute ago...
you don't have to read this now. You can print it out and read it later. I just needed to talk and couldn't take you away from your bid. I know how important it is. So that is why I'm writing this now. I need to talk... and this is my way of talking. I do better this way sometimes. I can sit here and cry a river of tears and write....
You said I don't sound normal...
It's because I'm near tears all day.
Why... because...
I miss you Kevin
I don't want a divorce... flipped through the phone book looking for a lawyer... and I know I don't want a divorce. I want our marriage back. I want us to be friends... I want us to be lovers... I want it to be like it's suppose to be. I did some searches online. Amazing what I found about infidelity. People survive it. We did a few years ago. We can do it again. So you say you haven't had sex.... you still betrayed our vows by falling for another woman.... by letting her be your distraction. She is a distraction... even now.
I can't go on with life this way. I can't have a husband that is in contact with another woman that he loves... wishing his wife would die. Or at least making his wife think that is what he wants. I can not go on with the secrets... We didn't use to keep anything from each other. Now one of us has many secrets.
I can't go on with the brethren thinking everything is all made up in my mind. Believing that I'm sick from lack of oxygen from my heart attack. I can't go on with them all thinking I have hormone problems. My life is an open book to you. I do not think I have any secrets from you... yet you do not trust me. I still do not understand that.
I'm tired. I just want to give up.
I want the other woman to go away. I want us to be us again. But I can't do that if she is in our life. Choices... difficult decisions...
we all have to make them sometimes.
I can't go on with our marriage without some sort of closure to this Lisa issue.
I feel like you are standing there trying to decide what to do... you have two things that are in your life. Things you don't really want to live without. Let's say one is color and one is comforts. If you chose to live without color your world would be gray and dingy all the time... sort of depressing huh? If you chose to live without comforts then your world would be without chairs, beds, lights, cars, etc... the things that we use every single day. Without these you'd be miserable and tired and cranky. What do you chose? How do you live with one and not the other?
That's how I feel when I look at your situation.
You have to chose me or Lisa.
Me... I feel pretty much the same way. If I leave you then I have to get up every morning all by myself, no companion by my side for the rest of my life.
If I stay... then what? At this point it's not looking too cheery for me if I stay.
I don't know what to do.
I miss you.
I love you... ~ Cyndi
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