So, I know full well that you're all interested in what would happen if the BBC contacted me, and asked me to make some new programmes. I know that four of you asked me about it yesterday.

Well it seems that Davinia McCall, Carol Vorderman, Jamie Oliver and Otis The Aardvark were all tragically killed in a made up accident. But without these four people, there was no-one left to host any tv programmes. Greg Dyke, the scary bearded looking fella who runs the Beeb, asked me to contribute, with a day's programming. With that in mind, I thought of some programmes, and roped my mates into hosting them. And hey, some people get stick, but so do I, so don't hate me, none of its personal!

7:00am - Early Morning Wake-Up - This brand new show, hosted by Jo Dimitros, will get you all going in the morning. Her early enthusiasm will stomp its way into her hearts, live from the Morning House. Original plans to have this show co-hosted by Tom Brown have been scrapped, due to timing difficulties.

9:00am - Feltham - From the people who brought you the pretentious know-it-all twat that we call Robert Killroy-Silk, comes Feltham, a chat-show with 'Life-Expert' Brian Feltham. Brian listens to the poor common Northerners opinions, and then dismisses them instantly, with or without reason. This show is recorded in one of the public wings of Brian's mansion.

9.30am - Changing Rooms - Archive footage of Tom Brown and Jay Chirinos debating over who has to have the box room

10:00am - CBBC - The Teletubbies - Watch Neil Jones as he watches tv. Sorry Neil. Sorry. Sorry.

11:00am - The Breakfast Show - Hosted by Tom Brown, Tom O'Brien and Neil Jones, with special guest Jason Chirinos on Wednesdays, Thursdays and Fridays, this topical morning show is more suited time-wise for breakfast than the 7:00 start for these boys, and comes live from the plushy Deansgate Locks studios. Special guests include a fat bird who teaches people to diet, some gay fella called Cikki Nlarke who's got gay crap hair, and tries to make-over people, a quiz called Lunchtime Lolly, where by breathing without assistance, you can win a million pounds, but if you don't manage it, we'll give you the cash anyway, cos it was probably our fault, and music from no-hopers, who couldn't get a gig on real telly. However, on Fridays the show will be hosted by John Leslie and Fern Britton, cos we're too important to host it five days a week.

12.30pm - Call Jay Puff - Hosted by Bob Holness, this quiz features the two teams, captained by Vicky Hinchcliffe and Helen Alexander trying to work out whether the other is calling Jay gay or not, by using Olde Faggotte Englishe.

1.00pm - The One O'clock News - Neil Jones and Tom O'Brien host the informative half hour check on the world of sports entertainment, as they tell each other what they've read on the Internet.

1.30pm - Neighbours 2 - Watch as the everyday lives of our thuggy skinhead neighbours is shown to the world via secret camera.

2.00pm - Diagnosis: Bedrest - A new cutting edge drama, starring Laura Walton as Doctor Forbes, a doctor who always tries to get to the bottom of run-of-the-mill illnesses such as flu and measles, with help from pathologist Dave Bosh, played by Alex Bell.

3.00pm - Through the Keyhole - Join David Frost as he asks, 'Just who would live in a house like this?' But watch as both he and Lloyd Grossman fail to work out who could live in this seven person house in Fallowfield. Featuring a cameo by the Health Inspector!

3.30pm - CBBC - Chucklevision - A new series of the hit children's classic, as Barry and Paul Chuckle, the gay brothers, reveal to the world that they had a third brother all along, as played by Tom Brown. Together, they get into hilarious situations, usually involving foam, banana skins, and that bike-car of theirs.

4.00pm - Fun House - Not the crazy happy-go-lucky fun of the Pat Sharp hosted game-show, but a fly-on-the-wall docusoap, about all the crazy things that we've done in our friendly house this year. That's why it's a one off. And only 30mins.

4.30pm - Finders Keepers - Hosted by Neil Buchanan, the contestants don't 'Raid the Rooms,' but 'Raid the Fridges' to see what their housemates have left behind at the end of term.

5.00pm - Furness Grove - A gritty Northern drama, based on a Youth centre in Manchester, where the characters deal with traumas such as break-ups, gambling and its consequences on the bank account, crazy crash helmet hair, and batmice. Starring Neil Jones.

5.30pm - Home and Away - Drama about Jo's weekends in Nottingham and Manchester. You see, cos Manchester is her home. And when she goes to Nottingham, she is going 'away.' That's gold, COMEDY. Is anyone laughing? Is anyone reading? Hello?

6.00pm - The Six O'CLOCK News - Usually roughly the only time we all see each other in a day, in a sort of Post-Neighbours silence. So we decided to film us all telling each other about the day.

6.30pm - As if - CUE BAD JOKE - A soap based around Manchester's quietest man, Asif Burhan, and his 'friend' Jack Barraclough.

7.00pm - Ready Steady Heat-through - For only five pounds each, the contestants have only 20 minutes to prepare a meal for themselves. Hosted by Chef Jay 'Pizza' Chirinos, this week, contestant Brian Feltham has difficulty as his frozen veg won't boil, letting his microwaveable lasagne go cold, and his opponent Tom O'Brien misplaces his Soy Sauce sachet for his Pot Noodle.

7.30pm - Northerners - Gritty soap from the North, based in a Fallowfield Pub. Starring Kate Holmes.

8.00pm - Shiptationwrecked Island-Gladiators - Hmm, me spies a cheap plug. For more info on this programme - click here

8.50pm - Al's Ass Lottery. At the start of the week, a man in North London chose set of balls number 6, and the human machine Alex. Al has eaten all 49 balls, and will shit out the six numbers, and then the bonus ball live. Features Alan Deddicoat,. Voice of the Balls, and music from top charters A1.

9.00pm - Never Mind The Plectrum, Here's the Overhead Storage Compartment - A first in world television, as Brian Feltham hosts the first ever quiz based on soft rock guitarists and planes. Team captains Tom Brown and Neil Jones find themselves clueless on many an occasion as Brian fires the questions.

9.30pm - Spaced - Starring the residents of the girls house, this improvisation comedy show shows how funny some of the girls can be when they try. Sorry, that should read when they get pissed and roll around on our floor pretending to be FBI agents, or when they get ill from too much weed.

10.00pm - The News at Ten - Andy Horton hosts this round-up of the days events. For no reason other than the fact that I haven't used him yet, and I feel bad about this. He's too grown up for my silly games anyway. I'm sorry Andy, I've let you down. there, that killed a paragraph...

10.30pm - Whose plate is it anyway (You bastards) - Hosted by Clive Anderson, the contestants improvise to make up excuses as to why they haven't left their crockery on the washing machine, covered in a strange looking orange sauce and pubes.

11.00pm - This is Not a Trick - The late night 'Straight to a Crap Spot on TV' movie, made by Jay Chirinos, stars everyone he knows, and some really bad lines, like 'That reminds me, I need a slash too.'

12.30am - Renegade - In a British remake of the cult US drama, Tom O'Brien stars as Reno Raines, the character made famous by Lorenzo Lamas. He was a cop and good at his job, but he commited the ultimate sin, and testified against other cops gone bad. Cops that tried to kill him, but got the woman he loved instead. Framed for murder, now he prowls the badlands, an outlaw hunting outlaws, a bounty hunter, a ....... RENEGADE. Also starring Neil Jones, as his native American friend, Bobby Sixkiller, previously played by Brandome Richcombe, the two have a humvee.

1.30am - Late Night Disney - From the people who brought you 'Erotic Duck Tales' and 'Chip and Dale - Drive By', comes 'Mishki Garney,' the story of the Russian Gummi Bear Mafia, that kill and maim for fun.

2.00am - CLOSE - Move to BBC Crap News 24

So, day one of my BBC regime complete. Don't worry, there'll almost certainly never ever be a sequel. Unless I get quite bored. but that happens a lot....

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