My over active imagination, and the fact that I'm doing really crap on Championship Manager at the moment have returned me to working on ObstaB's World. I mean, you win the league, pulling back a 14 point deficit, and you win the F.A. Cup as well, you improve the squad slightly, and they go to bollocks in the league. Still, Champions' league looks good. I digress...

So, Tv is obsessed with two things at the moment.

1. Members of the public taking part in sociological experiments for ratings.

2. Islands.

(Note - At least this was true when I originally wrote this column. I just couldn't be assed finishing it until now.)

So, being the kind soul that I am, I opened my wallet, released the moths and forked out for a small island just off the coast of Australia named Freakingallah. And then I kidnapped my friends and put them on a Fed Ex plane destined to crash in the vicinity of Oz.

These suckers, er I mean volunteers were:

Neil Jones - Alex Bell - Brian Feltham - Tom Brown - Jay Chirinos - Jo Dimitros - Vicky Hinchcliffe - Helen Alexander - Laura Walton - Andy Horton - Kate Holmes -

So, I sat back in my chair and smiled, when suddenly Andi Peters threatened me with botty sex unless I joined the others on the island. So add the name of Tom O'Brien to the aforementioned list. I ain't lettin' no fool go up my ass.

We would be on the island for 10 weeks. It would have been eight, but I forgot to arrange any transport to bring us home. But hey, those last two weeks, we had fun. No food, but fun. The 12 of us were divided up into 2 tribes who would live on opposite sides of the island. These tribes were:

Tribe A - Brian - Helen - Andy - Kate - Tom B - Vicky

Tribe B - Jay - Neil - Alex - Tom O'B - Laura - Jo

Each week, the Island-Lord, friend of the web-site, TV's Rick Adams randomly selects one person from each tribe to compete in a Gladiators style contest, whereby the loser is voted off the island. When we get down to the last four, a giant game of laserquest will take place to determine the winner of The Show on an Island.

However, its not that simple. Conveniently, Andy and Laura have been split up into separate tribes. Jo and Jay are there without partners too. We will be trying to tempt them with singles. Each tribe will be on opposite sides of the island. The first week is merely to acclimatise. Both tribes will build their shelter, and explore, but are free to wander the isle. If they can get through the middle. Here is an Ordinance Survey map of the isle.

A and B both represent the Tribe bases. X is where the Gladiator games take place, surrounded by barbed wire, and the reddy yellow bit is a pit of fire.

Oh, and for the benefit of the person who gets kicked off first, all decisions are made by picking names from a hat. I don't hate you. Unless its Neil.

So, here we go. Let the games begin.

WEEK 1

After about 30 minutes of survival training from Terry Wogan on Anglesea, the gallant twelve set off for a fun packed 12 weeks. The first week was spent building. The couples shied away from doing any work in order to boff each other for a week before the walls went up. Brian started a big argument as to whether he was allowed to put his rainbow flag up. We were also introduced to the singles that would occasionally appear when I remembered to include them. The singles that would roam the island were, Kylie for Andy, Pacey for Laura, Jack's gay Creek Boyfriend for Jo and Sandi Toqskvig for Jay. Just in case he wants a choice. Andy had a quiet word with Pacey, saying 'I own that ass.' Laura said similar things to Kylie, such as 'Don't touch that ass,' adding, 'because he doesn't wipe.'

WEEK 2

The tribes were separated, the fun began. In Tribe A, Brian and Tom B had found power outlets, and spent their days jamming whilst Kate felt ill after drinking too much of that clear non-alcoholic liquid stuff. She didn't know what it was. Mysteriously, some of Tribe A's rations given to them in the first week had disappeared, presumed stolen. In Tribe B, Jay happened to come across some extra food, and the guys were eating heartily. Andy had become quite close with Kylie, but denied that he had spoken to her in a video message to Laura. Laura never saw the message, as she was spending too much time with Pacey.

Rick Adams randomly selected Helen and Alex to take part in Hang Tough. Modifying the rules slightly, first to the other side wins. Alex took Helen down, and went past her to record the victory. Helen was given 18 seconds to leave the island. The boat hadn't arrived, but she had to leave. She may still be swimming now for all I know.

WEEK 3

Things were getting a little difficult on Freakingallah island, with the inhabitants feeling quite vexed. After completing a treasure hunt, both tribes found 5 bottles of rum. Alex swore blind that he would continue his vow of tee-totalism, but rumours abounded that he had given up his self-inflicted ban when he ran around the island naked crying, 'I've stolen all the bananas and I've beaten up vagrants.' The vagrant in question, Jay, said that Alex in fact just fell over. Jay then asked if I had any spare change.

Rick Adams asked Martin, an engineer from Loughborough to pick the contestants. He chose machine Guinevere and set of balls number six. That turned out to be Vicky and Alex playing Dual. Armed with pugel sticks, the two brave troopers climbed up onto their podiums, and attacked. Vicky suddenly pointed into the distance crying, 'Why, its Carol Vorderman.' With her opponent distracted, she whacked him off to record a victory, and to send Alex back to Britain.

WEEK 4

The dates started this week, amidst controversy. Tom O'B, and Tom B, the two toms, complained that it was unfair for all the single people to miss out on dates. Rick Adams laughed and told them to piss off. With this section that I had written being no longer relevant, I'm now having to fill (Grr - Neil). So, have you seen telly lately? They had this programme on. It was about things. Have I covered enough? No. On the island there was a shortage of coconuts that threatened to completely destroy the little morale that there was. Fortunately, Neil found some special mushrooms somewhere. Dude. What a fucking cool week man!

The draw was made and Jay took on Shrew in Atlasphere, with celebrities Barry McGuigan and Su Pollard playing the roles of the 'Gladiators.' Jay beat his opponent by 4 to 2, casting Tom B off to Blighty.

WEEK 5

More dates this week, but almost a walk-out off the island as well. Things got too much for Brian this week, as firewood supplies ran out. As the others forced him to use his 18 guitars as firewood, Bri disappeared in a flood of tears, but Rick Adams persuaded him to stay on the island. He did, and watched as Laura and Andy went on their dates. Andy took Kylie out to the old creek, and Laura went on an exciting date with Pacey to Andi Peter's private island. Both surprisingly ended up having a dull time, as their dates kept talking about themselves. Neither Laura nor Andy seemed likely to speak to their dates again.

Andy then felt the pressure of being drawn in the difficult Wall event, against Jay. Chasing Andy was Captain Mark Phillips, Jay got Will Carling. Sorry Diana fans. Andy managed to evade his toff, and fight another week. Jay went home, having not had the opportunity to go on his date with Sandi Toqskvig, but he did girate with the hunchbacked one under the influence of rum one night.

WEEK 6

With Jay not their for his date, (see, that showed its all random, I couldn't even get this bit to work so that Jay could stay. Damn the fluke of luck.) It was just Jo, and Jack's gay boyfriend from that creek thing. They went to Megabowl for a night of teeny fun. They both had a great time, but Jack's gay boyfriend from that creek thing broke a nail with a heavy ball.

Andy having survived the previous week, felt the wrath of Neil in Powerball, up against TV's Neil Buchanan, voice of Live and Kicking 'Mitch,' and Nobby the Sheep from Gimme 5. Andy got 2, but Neil got 5 after striking the middle bucket.

WEEK 7

Disaster struck as our first couple really hit rock bottom. Laura was caught on camera in a clinch with Pacey. Jealous, angry, and enraged in bitterness, Andy, at the meeting point in Oz, sought out Kylie, and 'boffed her for the lads!' Vicky and Kate seemed to be the most affected by this break-up. The rest of us were too busy drinking coconut milk, and visiting that McDonald's on the island. They're everywhere you know!

Kate was drawn against Jo in Gauntlet, up against the might of Mr. Shake-Hands-Man, Rajesh Mirchindani, Brittany Spear's ex-boyfriend Jonatan Johansson, Jimmy Saville and John Virgo. Jo completed the course in 19.4 seconds, Kate could only manage 22.3 seconds, and was evicted from the island.

WEEK 8

With Andy and Laura's relationship 'up shit creek' (not really Andy and Laura fans!) Jo decided that she fancied some of that too. No, not Andy, but Jack's gay boyfriend from that creek thing. Just to remind you kids, with 3 weeks left, these guys remain:

Tribe A - Brian - Vicky

Tribe B - Neil - Tom O'B - Laura - Jo

Tribe A were laughing as they still got the same amount of food as Tribe B in the later stages. Lack of forward planning with the rules by the organisers. Sorry.

So Rick Adams called Neil and Brian. They took part in The Pole. Bri got to the top first, Neil got to go home.

WEEK 9

Penultimate week on Freakingallah Island. Tensions were taking over, as was mentalness as Tom O'B attacked a cameraman, claiming 'All intruders must die.' A quick bit of smack calmed him down.

Seeing as it was the last week, Vicky and Jo, our chosen two took part in the Eliminator. Jo got to the Travelator first, but just couldn't manage it, and Vicky picked up the win. Hurrah, one week to go. (My fingers are hurting from the typing, and my brain is tired from the lack of jokes.)

Week 10

No fannying about here, we went straight into it. Tom O'B, Laura, Bri and Vicky. Each player had three lives, a gun and an attractive chest pad for reflecting laser shots. First to die was Tom, taking a shot from each opponent within 18 seconds of the game beginning, as he curled into a ball, and claimed, 'The light is trying to kill me.' Laura went second when Bri sneaked up on her from behind, as he tends to do (trust me, I still hurt.) It was just between Brian and Vicky, on sudden death with 2 lives gone each. A shot fired out from nowhere. It was Burt Reynolds with outside interference, from nowhere, to destroy Brian's dreams, and give Vicky the win.

So as Vicky celebrated with her new friend Burt, everyone set off to nearby Parramatta in Australia, and discussed the 10 weeks action. Some people cried at the thought of leaving the island, some people cried at the thought of the island at all. But we all rejoiced in the knowledge that we were now famous, and all it took was to live like shit for a few weeks.

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