FIRST LIAR

    �Have you heard from your brother-in-law lately?� Clarence asked John Sable one cold winter night when nobody in the room had said a word for over an hour.

    �I don�t want to hear from him,� Mr. Sable said in tones that expressed his feelings for the man that had wed his sister and taken her from South Lubec. They had moved all the way down south to Kennebunkport.

    �I take it you don�t like him very much, John. Care to tell us why?� Clarence asked trying to be polite but at the same time not butt into someone�s family affairs.

    �He�s the biggest liar I ever met. If they gave out an award for lying, he�d get first place." Mr. Sable said with feeling. "I doubt that a truthful word has passed over his lips in the last ten years. The last time he brought my sister home for a visit he told some tall tales. He told me he was blessed because he is the seventh son of a seventh son and all the stars in the sky twinkled just for him. He had the nerve to tell me he went to Rome because the pope was in trouble and wrote to him for help. Then he told me he stopped in England to help the queen and she told him he was the smartest man she had ever met. Then that big fibber told me he had more money than he could spend and he was a head above all his in-laws. I almost believe him about having more money than he can spend, though,� Mr. Sable said after a short pause.� There ain�t much to buy down in Kennebunkport, and I�m not sure he�s smart enough to read the Sears and Roebuck catalog.

    He bragged that his daughters were the most beautiful girls in the world and his sons were the most handsome males. Then that big fool told me how pretty his wife is. I don�t know if he�s blind or just plain stupid. Of course she�s pretty. Ain�t that long-nosed, freckled-faced, big-eared, pigeon-toed female my sister?� Everyone nodded in agreement. The room fell silent for a moment before someone asked,
�What did he lie about?�

    �Everything that fool said was a lie,� Mr. Sable answered getting madder by the minute. �The seventh son of a seventh son, indeed. I guess he forgot I know his family. There were only six boys in the family--unless one of his older brothers dressed funny.�

    �Wait a minute,� Doc Williams butted in. �Didn�t his mother marry twice and take a whole brood of kids with her when she left. As I recall she had thirteen kids and most of them were males.�

    Mr. Sable was flabbergasted to hear such a dumb question from such an educated man. �Aayah, that�s the truth,� he answered, �but between marriages she fooled around so much I�m not even sure half his brothers and sisters are related to him.�

    Doctor Williams was going to straighten him out about half brothers and sisters but decided against it.

    �And helping the Pope with a problem,� Mr. Sable went on. �I wonder where he came up with that one. He�s a Baptist and don�t he know that a Baptist would be hit by lightening if he talked to the pope. And he said the queen called HIM smart. I wonder just how gullible he thinks I am. He don�t know no foreign languages and I don�t think the queen speaks no American."

    He bragged to me his kids were the prettiest kids in the world. I almost agree with him there. I am their uncle so naturally they would be good looking but they ain�t nowhere near as pretty as my own daughters and sons. I got even with him though.    �How come?� someone asked.

    "I told him I believed every word he said and that we both had a lot in common.�

    �Oh yeah, how�s that?� he asked me.

"Well,� I answered, �I�ve traveled a lot myself and when I was in Europe I was lucky enough to seeGeneral John J. Pershing and I told him how to win the war.�

    �Did that make him mad?� Clarence asked.

   �Heck no. He didn�t get mad until I told him we could both walk on water. The only difference between us is I could walk on water right now but he had to wait until it froze and turned to ice.�