Of all the random forwarded emails I recieve,
these are my favorite jokes!
Insurance Who Wears the Pants?
Suicide or Homicide? The Choir
God is Left Handed Coffin Attack Healthy Insanity
A man from North Carolina, having purchased a case of very expensive cigars,
In delivering the ruling the judge, agreeing that the claim was frivolous,
After he cashed the check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson.
insured them against, among other things, fire.
Within a month, after having smoked his entire stockpile,
the man filed a claim against the insurance company,
stating that the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason
that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.
The man sued - and won.
stated nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which
it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that
it would insure against fire, without defining what it considered
to be "unacceptable fire", and was obligated to pay the claim.
Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process
the insurance company accepted the ruling
and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires".
With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previoius case being used against him,
the man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property
and sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine
A newlywed couple had just arrived in
their honeymoon suite
on the romantic island of Jamaica.
After unpacking, the husband
abruptly took off his pants. "Put these
on," he said to his wife.
She did, and they were nearly twice her size.
"There's no way I
can wear these. They're too big," she
said.
"Good, now you know who wears the pants in the family."
Flustered, the wife takes off her underwear
and gives it to her
husband. "Put these on," she commands.
The husband looks at the small pair of
underwear and then at his
waist and says, "There's no way I can get
into these."
To which the wife replied, "You're right
about that until you
change your attitude."
At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for Forensic Science,
On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus
Ordinarily, Dr. Mills continued, a person who sets out to commit suicide
When confronted with this charge, the old man and his wife
The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw
There was an exquisite twist.
The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide.
AAFS president Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.
Here is the story:
and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound to the head.
The decedent had jumped from the top of a ten-story building
intending to commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency).
As he fell past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted
by a shotgun blast through a window, which killed him instantly.
Neither the shooter nor the decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected
at the eighth floor level to protect some window washers and
that Opus would not have been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this.
ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what he intended.
That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories below probably
would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to homicide.
But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been successful
caused the medical examiner to feel that he had a homicide on his hands.
The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast emanated
was occupied by and elderly man and his wife.
They were arguing and he was threatening her with the shotgun.
He was so upset that, when he pulled the trigger,
he completely missed his wife and pellets went through the window striking Opus.
When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject B.
were both adamant that neither knew that the shotgun was loaded.
The old man said it was his long standing habit to threaten his wife
with the unloaded shotgun.
He had no intention to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus
appeared to be an accident.
That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.
the old couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the fatal incident.
It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's financial support and the son,
knowing the propensity of his father to use the shotgun threateningly,
loaded the gun with the expectation that his father would shoot his mother.
The case now becomes one of murder on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.
Further investigation revealed that the son, one Ronald Opus,
had become increasingly despondent over the failure
of his attempt to engineer his mother's murder.
This led him to jump off the ten-story building on March 23,
only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a ninth story window.
It was Visitors Day at the lunatic asylum.
All the inmates were standing in the courtyard
and singing "Ave Maria."
And singing it beautifully.
Oddly, each of them was holding a red apple
in one hand
and tapping it rhythmically with a pencil.
A visitor listened in wonderment to the performance
and then approached the choir.
"I am a retired choir director," he said.
"This is one of the best choirs I have ever
heard."
"Yes, I'm very proud of them," said the conductor.
"You should take them on tour," said the visitor,
"what are they called?"
"Surely that's obvious," replied the conductor.
"They are the Moron Tapanapple Choir."
Little Bobby was spending the weekend
with his grandmother after a
particularly trying week in kindergarten.
His grandmother decided to take
him to the park on Saturday morning. It had
been snowing all night and
everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked, "Doesn't it
look like an artist painted this
scenery? Did you know God painted this just
for you, Bobby?"
Bobby said, "Yes, God did it and He did it left handed."
This confused his grandmother a bit, and
she asked him, "What makes
you say God did this with His left hand?"
"Well," said Bobby, "We learned in Sunday
School last week that Jesus
sits on God's right hand!"
A man was walking home alone one night
when he hears a
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP... behind him. Walking
faster, he
looks back, making out an image of an upright
coffin
banging its way down the middle of the street
towards
him...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
The man begins to run towards his home,
and the coffin
bounces quickly after him, faster...faster
...BUMP ...
BUMP ...BUMP. He runs up to his door,
fumbles with his
keys, opens the door, rushes in, and locks
the door behind
him. However, the coffin crashes through
his door, with
the lid of the coffin flapping...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...
on
the heels of the terrified man.
Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the
man locks himself in.
His heart is pounding. With a CRASH,
the coffin breaks down
the door. Coming slowly towards him,
the man screaming,
reaches for something, anything...
All he can find is a box of cough drops!
Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin ...
and of course...
the coffin stops!
1) At lunch time, sit in your parked car
with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars.
See if they slow down.
2) Page yourself over the intercom. Don't
disguise your voice.
3) Insist that your e-mail address is:
[email protected] or [email protected].
4)Every time someone asks you to do something,
ask if they want fries with that.
5) Encourage your colleagues to join you in
a little synchronized chair dancing.
6) Put your garbage can on your desk and label
it "IN."
7) Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
8) Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks.
Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine
addictions, switch to espresso.
9) Reply to everything someone says with,
"That's what you think."
10)Finish all your sentences with "In accordance
with the prophecy."
11) Adjust the tint on your monitor so that
the brightness level lights up the entire work area.
Insist to others that you like it that way.
12) Don t use any punctuation
13) As often as possible, skip rather than
walk.
14) Ask people what sex they are. Laugh hysterically
after they answer.
15) Specify that your drive-through order
is "to go."
16) Sing along at the opera.
17) Go to a poetry recital and ask why the
poems don't rhyme.
18) Find out where your boss shops and buy
exactly the same outfits.
Wear them one day after your boss does.
(This is especially effective if your boss
is of the opposite gender.)
19)Send e-mail to the rest of the company
to tell them what you're doing.
For example, "If anyone needs me, I'll be
in the bathroom, in Stall #3."
20) Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
21) Five days in advance, tell your friends
you can't attend their party...
because you're not in the mood.
22) Call the psychic hotline and don't say
anything.
23) When the money comes out of the ATM, scream
"I Won! I Won! 3rd time this week!!!"
24) When leaving the zoo, start running towards
the parking lot, yelling
"Run for your lives, they're loose!"
In the hospital the relatives gathered
in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired
and somber.
I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,"
he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at
this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky
and you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed
the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for
a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward.
Men in the room tried not to smile,
avoiding eye contact with the women, but some
actually smirked.
A six-year-old, unable to control his curiosity,
blurted out the question everyone wanted
to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence
and so to the entire group said,
"It's just standard pricing procedure.
We have to mark down the price of the female
brains, because they've been used."
The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair,
After a short time out on the lawn,
A short time later, she started leaning off to her left,
Soon she started leaning forward,
A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said,
Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to her nephew... "They won't let me fart!"
where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.
Grandma couldn't speak very well,
but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
Grandma started leaning off to the right
so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up,
and stuffed pillows on her right.
so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.
so the family members again grabbed her
then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.
"Hi,Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"
