The Fight Within
This is probably one of the hardest things I have ever written, but I
do so both as a release for myself and with a prayer that it may help
someone else before they put themselves through needless problems.
I feel that some background is needed first to help explain some of
the things. My life has been filled with abuse from molestation, rape, to
a 17 year marriage of domestic violence. Leaving me with feelings of
being unloved, abandonment, unworthy, and a strong lack of being
able to trust. But earlier this year things started to change. I met my Master online; then in March, when I lost everything in a house fire, He showed His love for me by coming here to look after me and my family. Things were wonderful. I have never been so cared for, loved and protected in my life from anyone. Being His slave/submissive is what I wanted. It was when I was happiest and had the most feeling of
belonging. But suddenly something happened within me. It was like
someone else took over my mind.
I begin to do worse than be a rebellious slave/submissive. I became totally uncontrollable. I did not call Him Master. I made decision without consulting Him. I even made decisions for Him. He continued to try to help me, to guide me, to show His love for me in all ways.
I developed a strong jealousy. If He talked to women I would have a
fit, accusing Him of trying to find a replacement for me, and that He
didn't love me. The more He tried to draw me closer the more I
pushed Him away. Part of me could see this happening but seemed powerless to do anything about it. Even though I knew deep within my heart that the time I felt the most joy was when I was slave/submissive to Him, I fought the feeling hard.
I bucked in everyway possible, I wouldn't heed His advice, even
knowing He was right. I didn't give Him the respect that I knew He so well deserved. I would not show slave/submissiveness in anyway toward Him, but He continued to try to show me His love and guidance. Master always keep His control never punishing me even though I was so out of control. He continued to try to win me with His love, patience and understanding.
Finally, after putting up with it for nine months, Master said "He was leaving, that He felt He was causing me more harm than good. And that part of His responsibility as my Master was to love and to protect me even if that meant protecting me from himself".
I was outraged. I threw words at Him that He didn't love me, that he
was only using me until someone else came along, and that it had all been lies. I said many things like this. At the same time knowing that
the words I was saying was all lies, knowing that He loved me so
much that He was suffering greatly in trying to leave me, in what He felt was for my own good and health. I started packing His things continuing to say things try to hurt Him, knowing the things I was saying was not
true, knowing that His feelings for me where deep and caring.
Somewhere along this time the part of me that I had buried fought its
way to the surface to get back control. It screamed at me, "What are
You doing?" "For the first time in your life you have someone who truly loves you and YOU are throwing it away!!!!" At that moment, I did something that I had vowed to myself I would never do. I begged my Master to stay, I told Him how much He truly meant to me, that I needed Him and loved Him very deeply.
He sat and listened to me, as I revealed my true feelings from my heart, from the person that He knew was within my heart, from the person I
had tried to bury deep inside me "His slave/submissive". He looked
into my tear filled eyes. I don't know what He saw there but something showed through and He agreed to stay.
I am now seeking counseling on my problem from my pass. My
fears, insecurities, and feelings of unworthiness. The feelings of not
being worth love, of not being able to trust. The feelings that all men
are alike that they wish only to use you and throw you away. The
feelings that had been abused into me since I was a child.
Unfortunately, in our small community there is no one who can help
with the D/s side of our relationship but I hold hope that I will find someone or that with helping deal with the other problems from my past that I can be the person that my Master has seen inside of me, the one that brings me the truest happiness I have ever felt in my life "His slave/submissive"
Please, if You have had problem like these in your past don't think you can bury them and that they won't interfere with your everyday life.
They will, they will surface when You least expect it and bring you uncontrollable unhappiness and may cost you something that is the best thing that has ever happened to you. I was extremely lucky in the fact that my Master's love for me was so strong that He continued, even through all I put Him through, to see the real me that was buried within me. That He continued to show His love, His guidance and His patience, never giving up on the hope that I would find my self within me again. The real me, the me that has brought me happiness beyond my wildest expectations, the me that is "HIS SLAVE/SUBMISSIVE".
by nutmeg{R}
12/7/98
Copyright©1998-04 by {nutmeg}R All rights are retained by the author.
Stories Lesson of Trust
