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| So, You have Decided to �TELL HER.� What Can You Expect? | |||||||||||||||||
| A wife�s perspective on an timeless question. | |||||||||||||||||
| Patti started her message...� Dear Ladies...I am so glad I found this forum. I have spent the last 5 days in tears; I just cannot seem to get hold of myself. I am sick in my stomach and cannot even keep any food down. I have not slept more than two or three hours since Saturday. My husband of 17 years told me then that he likes to wear women�s clothes. Underpants, bras, nylons, dresses, and even nightgowns! I love him dearly and had no idea that he had these desires. What does this all mean? Why has he done this to me? I do not know what this is all about. I love him dearly. He is a wonderful husband and father to our three children. But now what? What am I married to and how do I fix it? Please help me! Patti.� | |||||||||||||||||
| Russ, her husband, had not fared much better. Oh yes, he had talked to all his friends. He thought he had covered all the bases to �be prepared� to tell his wife that he is a crossdresser. He had gone to the Internet, that great source of wisdom, and ordered all the books he could find at Amazon on crossdressing. He had printed out articles recommended to him by his friends. He had a whole envelope of �self-generated� pictures of himself in various forms of dress. He had an article he clipped out of Annie�s Mailbox in the local newspaper. He even had figured out in his mind what outfit he would select if, miracle of miracles, Patti welcomed this revelation by asking, �Would you dress for me now?� So, what had he done wrong? | |||||||||||||||||
| However, Patti had not wanted to read all the books he so magnanimously offered to her. She did not want to look at the articles he had printed off the Web. In fact, she used them to potty train the puppy they had just gotten. Annie�s article had fallen to the floor and floated under the couch. The envelope of pictures was still unopened. The outfit was still hanging in its �hidden spot.� Instead, she had simply burst into tears...lots of tears...and then asked the strangest questions. She asked if he was gay! For Pete�s sake, they had been married 17 years! They had three children together. Of course, he wasn�t gay! There was no question in HIS mind. Where had THIS come from? Then she asked if he wanted to be a woman. A woman? No way! He liked that particular piece of �plumbing.� He liked the economic security of his career. He enjoyed being the �man in the family� and all the rewards that included. She wanted to know if this made her a lesbian. Well, no, does he need to show her the �plumbing?� He simply wanted to be able to �do what felt good!� Then she asked �Why? Why do you want to wear women�s clothes?� Now he was in trouble. He did not know WHY he wanted to dress in lingerie and high heels and nylons. He just knew it �felt right.� He looked at her and painfully drove the final nail in the coffin. �I don�t know,� he answered. | |||||||||||||||||
| And, yes, if YOU do not have answers to "why you want to crossdress," then you need to learn some. It amazes me that the "men" many times don't see this as an issue...they know they like it and that is enough. However, nearly every woman will ultimately ask this question. It may not come out in so many words, but it is there. And it is the "wise man" that addresses this issue early on, with honesty, open-ness, and conviction. For if you do not believe what you are telling her, she will not either. | |||||||||||||||||
| First, all of this is theory. While there are many crossdressers in the United States, and around the world, the percentage that actually acknowledge this fact are rare. In some cases, when the facts ARE known, post mortem studies have been done. The results are conclusive. But again, the sampling is so small that the results are not widely acknowledged. In addition, many of these theories deal with past events that are not �test-able.� So, admit that these are not "facts," but theories. For that is the best that "psychiatric" medicine can usually rely upon. (By "psychiatric" I simply mean that which deals with non-tangible aspects of health and wellness. A physical examination will reveal a broken arm, clogged arteries, or high blood pressure. No exam can conclusively identify the reason for left-handedness, sleepwalking, or panic attacks. Sure, you can look at genetic selectivity for left-handedness, and emotional health for sleepwalking and panic attacks. But no where can you "prove" exactly what caused these conditions. You must function on "theory.") | |||||||||||||||||
| So, what are some of the theories? I talked about post mortem examinations. In comparing cadavers who are admitted crossdressers with the "general populace,� one tangible piece of evidence appeared in the structure of the brain stem. In the general populace, female brain stems are constructed differently than male brain stems. In the crossdressers examined, the brain stem structure was more closely alike the "typical" female brain stem. OK! Tangible evidence, right? Well, yes, but there is still no "evidence" as to why this difference exists. So, even with "some" tangible evidence, there is still no way to "predict" who has the female brain stem until post-mortem investigation. Moreover, frankly, it is a moot point at that time! | |||||||||||||||||
| For many years, it was thought that "nurturing,� or how the child was raised, contributed to this. Abundant theories at the time suggested a "very strong mother figure,� necessitated because the father figure was frequently absent, a workaholic, or non-existent. Other theories stated that it was an "over-domineering father figure" and the child emotionally bonded to the "weaker, more abused" mother. Pose the question in any group of crossdressers and you will find many with either point of view. Of course, truth be known, these are "opposite" positions! Therefore, you will find proponents for both theories. One of the "positive" aspects of this discussion is that each person can fall back on "personal experience" and cite examples to "prove" father was domineering or absent. From my "objective" perspective, I see these as being both ends of the same argument! One "for" the mother who is "the over-achieving underdog,� and the other "for" the mother who was the "unfortunate whipping post." Moreover, if you add in the highly accepted sense of an Oedipus Complex, this just becomes more �feasible.� However, it doesn't explain other males who grew up in identical type environments, (nurturing) and did NOT become crossdressers. | |||||||||||||||||
| Continued | |||||||||||||||||