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Several days had passed and Dawson was acting like nothing had happened, as if the conversation Joey had attempted had never occurred. Joey had no idea if it was a good or bad thing. There were moments of pure clarity when Joey was totally and utterly certain that being with Dawson was wrong and then anger would swell at Dawson's unwillingness to confront the problem. Then there were times when all Joey could remember was the love she had for Dawson, of the fairytale dreams, that Dawson was her prince. Yet mainly Joey was confused. Confused as what she wanted and how she felt. Joey was torn. Torn by the feelings of suffocation and loss of self that competed with Joey's love for Dawson. And therein lied another problem. Was it really love? True love? Because in all her childish fantasies and all her girlish dreams Joey had never imagined love to feel this way. Did love mean losing yourself so completely into another person that you could no longer recognise yourself? Or was this a special love? A love that only the supposed lucky few ever felt? Finding your soulmate. Your other half. Merging so that Joey was no longer herself but an extension of Dawson. Never simply Joey anymore but always Dawson and Joey. It may have seemed incredibly romantic and ideal but the actuality of living it was torture. Each morning Joey looked in the mirror and she wasn't sure of the person that gazed back at her. It wasn't Josephine Potter, at least not the Josephine Potter that Joey knew. This was not just the process of time and evolution, this was different. Once Joey had looked into the mirror only to see Dawson's image staring back at her. Everyone had started to treat Joey differently. It was as if she was not capable of functioning without Dawson, as if she had not life other than Dawson's. The guidance counsellor had only suggested colleges that were highly reputed for their film classes and had seemed genuinely surprised when Joey suggested that she was interested in other schools. "Oh! But what about Dawson?" The guidance counsellor had exclaimed. "You do realise he cannot go to just some mediocre film school! He has so much potential. I suggest that some of these colleges might be better, for example...." There was closeness, doing things together and being regarded as a couple and then there was this absurdity. Joey had her own goals, her own potential and interests and her future was suddenly being decided in terms of another. Her significant other half. Only what did that make Joey?? The insignificant other half?? Pacey seemed to be the only one to still remember that Joey Potter was an individual in her own right rather than just Dawson's girlfriend. Perhaps Pacey's insight had to do with the fact that he too had suffered the terminal plague of being Dawson's sidekick. They both understood what it meant to take second priority to Dawson and Dawson's dreams no matter how willing a participant they had been to their own degradation. Yet both Pacey and Joey had felt the need to distinguish themselves from Dawson and in doing so they had rediscovered one another. Pacey was the one who knew the Joey Potter of today. He was the one who offered his shoulder every time she was in need, his arms ready waiting to catch her. Pacey was the one person she automatically thought of whenever she had some news; Joey wanted to run to his house or call him up when something good had happened or when something bad had occurred. She wanted to hear his voice and babble endlessly about nothing to him even when there was no event of importance. They held on to one another and stumbled through life supporting the other. Joey's hand was always available whenever Pacey needed someone to pull him up. The Potter B & B had in its cupboards packets of Chex Mix specially for Pacey. They could be angry at one another and not speak for weeks at yet still know instinctively when Joey needed Pacey or Pacey needed Joey. The anger would be forgotten and all that mattered was the support and comfort they could provide one another. Silence was precious between the two. Some of the most memorable times when Joey felt truly close to Pacey like no other is when they sat, for hours, silent. The presence of the other was enough. Joey remembered a time when things with Dawson were similar. When he was the one who knew her best. When he would offer his silent companionship in moments of understanding. Now their time was spent on meaningless babble or awkward silences where neither truly knew where the other was. They had moved on, grown, up, fallen in love. And yet Joey missed the boy from across the creek. She missed begin the girl from the wrong side of the creek. There were times when Joey thought they could recapture the old affinity but it was beginning to dawn on her that this was not to be the case. Things did change. The creak of the wooden boards startled Joey. She turned and saw Dawson. Another part of what was died. Before Joey could tell whenever Dawson was around without looking. Not anymore. "Joey we need to talk about us. Our relationship." She should have felt angry that only now Dawson wanted to talk and yet she didn't have the energy. Joey was simple fatigued. Dead tired. She and Dawson needed to talk about their relationship properly before Joey wasted away. "I want to apologise for the other day. It was wrong of me to shut you off like that especially when you were right. Are right. We need to be apart." "You agree with me?" "My whole life I've had this plan of what I wanted to be. And in it I always saw you there, by my side. Lately I'm beginning to realise that's all my dreams and ambitions... well..I'm not sure if I hold them anymore. I have no idea whether or not I want to go to film school." "You don't??" "I don't. It is as if I've lost my inspiration and the love for film that I used to have. And it's scary. This wasn't meant to happen. Especially not now. And everyone has these expectations of me, expectations that I helped fuel, and I don't think I can live up to them. I don't think I even want to live up to them." "I didn't know." "We don't seem to know a lot about each other these days." "What happened to us Dawson? What happened tot he two best friends who used to know each other so well and were there for each other unconditionally?" "We grew up." "And we're growing apart." "I know. Joey, you said you feel like I'm killing you, trying to strangle or suffocate you. Well maybe I am. We're growing apart and then there's the whole aspect of me losing my direction...years and years of wanting to be the next Speilburg only to realise during Senior that probably isn't the direction I want to take. So I've been trying to find a way to reclaim it all. And I've been holding on to you, so tightly because I didn't want to lose myself." "Only to find out that we're losing ourselves more the tighter we hold on." "Yeah." "So it looks like it is time to let go Dawson. Time to live a life as Dawson, as Joey and not as Dawson and Joey." "I love you Joey." "But is it right Dawson? This love? Because it is killing me and from everything you've said it is killing you as well. We're dying here Dawson and I don't think love was ever meant to be this way." "I'm just not sure I'm ready to let go. I've been avoiding you, avoiding the issue. Pretending everything between the two of us was the same." "But it isn't Dawson." "No it isn't. So I guess this is goodbye Joey." "How about something we need to do?" Dawson nodded, tears in his eyes. He stepped forward to hug Joey but changed his mind and stepped back. Through the tears in her eyes Joey saw Dawson's frame walk away, maybe not forever but it was the end. |
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