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They walked in silence for some time simply enjoying one another's company. Just having Pacey nearby gave Joey comfort, his arm slung loosely around her shoulders as she leaned in to feel the hard but inviting press of his chest. He was her knight in shining armor yet he was not perfect as the fairytales portrayed. In fact Pacey could be said to be deeply flawed with scars to show the emotional battles that he had fought; for himself and for her. Yet it did not matter that he was not perfect. He was her protector. Her best friend. He was Pacey. Her eyes wandered about her surroundings absorbing the gentle sway of grass, the ripple of water and a light wind that caressed her skin. She sat down. It was a nice spot, idyllic with a gorgeous view of the creek without town or urban scenery to interrupt the natural beauty. He sat down beside and they remained there just gazing at their surroundings. "It's so beautiful here. Just nature. Without the rest of the world to interfere. An escape from reality." "Is that what you want to do Jo? Escape from reality?" "No. Yes. Sometimes. Sometimes everything else seems fake, unreal. And this, this right here. Being right here, with you, sometimes this is what feels real. Everything else is a nightmare that I'm living and the only time I'm awake is when I'm with you." "What about Dawson?" The question was asked gently, not with judgement or even curiosity but with the innate sense that this was what was truly bothering Joey. "Dawson. Dawson is Dawson. But he's not. He's also the rope around my neck. I'm..I'm the Little Mermaid." "The Little Mermaid?" "Uh huh. You know story. She looses her voice for the Prince. All my life I've lived in this world where Dawson's life was wonderful, better. He's the golden boy with the golden life, you know?" Pacey nodded with complete understanding. For both of them Dawson had been the boy with the perfect life. A life they had always envied, a life they continued to envy. Even with his problems there was a normalcy that filled Dawson's life which they had been robbed of at an early age. "And I always thought he was one. The Prince. The one that would make things better. The one that I belonged to. It was a fairytale come true when he finally noticed me. I was like the Little Mermaid desperate for the Prince to take notice of me, to fall in love. And then he did. And for a while it was perfect, wonderful. Only I realise now I don't want to belong to anyone. I want to belong to me. And Dawson has this ideal of me, this little categorised box labelled Joey that I�m expected to fit in to. Just like, I suppose I had this ideal of him. Only I realised that my ideal of him wasn't real. Dawson isn't really like that. And I was okay with that. Until I began to wonder if Dawson was what I really wanted. If I really did want the golden boy. But more than that I began to wonder if it was worth it. Did the Little Mermaid ever regret loosing her voice? Giving up her freedom, her home in the ocean for a life on land? No more mermaid's tail but legs. I'm loosing my voice Pacey. When I'm with him I'm not sure who I am anymore. I become Dawson's Joey. Not Josephine Potter. And everyone is beginning to see me that way." "Jo..I never realised." "It's okay." "But I should have known Jo. I'm your best friend." Pacey felt like kicking himself. All the signs had been there. Joey's lifelessness, the lack of fire and spirit that was trademark Joey. Even her complexion had become somewhat sallow. He had been worried but she continually dismissed his concerns and Pacey had eventually shrugged it off as the stress of college applications. In addition Pacey had his own problems that had occupied his mind. Problems with Andie that stemmed from her cheating on him during her time in the psychiatric hospital. They had tried a relationship again, breaking up and getting back together for most of Junior year and some of Senior year as well. Then there were the typical problems at home with his Dad although Pacey's relationship with Doug had improved considerably. Finally there was school. With Joey's help Pacey had managed to decently pass Junior year and Senior year Pacey had really hit the books even going as far as to chase extra credits, increasing his GPA and becoming a straight A student. But in spite of this Pacey still should have known. Joey was his best friend and nothing mattered as much as her well being. She was his primary concern and Pacey had neglected his duty as her friend. Guilt overwhelmed. "It's not your fault Pace." Joey murmured softly reading his mind as she often did, "I didn't even realise it myself until last night. It was a slow accumulation of emotions and feelings that I just let build. I just stood there helplessly and let Dawson take control. I let myself become his shadow. I was so willing and desperate to experience the golden life, to be with the Prince, that I sacrificed my voice. Now, now I feel like I'm finally waking up from the nightmare of my own making." "So what are you gonna do Jo? What are you going to tell Dawson?" "I don't want to hurt him but we have to be apart. I don't know what's going to happen in the future Pace. All I know is that I want you there at my side. Together. Supporting one another. Being there for one another." "I don't plan to go anywhere without you Jo." They smiled and felt strong as long as they had one another. Pacey would never have survived the endless emotional rollercoaster that had been his and Andie's relationship nor the continuous problems with family and the threat of academic failure without Joey. And Joey would not have survived without Pacey to ground her, to remind her who she was, to treat her as an individual and not as simply an extension of someone else. Pacey got up and offered Joey his hand. She accepted. Together they walked towards the town of Capeside armed with the other's friendship. |
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