Unknown Separation
Prologue: Turbulence

Clear blue skies. Not a cloud in sight.

“Would you like a snack and drink sir?”

“Yes, please. Coke.”

The stewardess hands me a plastic cup filled with ice and a can of Coca-Cola.

“Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” And she moves on to the next passenger across from me in the aisle seat.

I reach into my duffle bag and blindly search with my hands for a pen and paper. There’s something I need to get out. Something I need to express and writing it will make it more tangible. Make it real. Make it easier to vent and make it easier to forget. But I remember everything. It may make it easier to forgive and let go.

Joey, Scratch that…

My Dearest Joey,

By now you've come to the fact that I am no longer in Capeside. How long did it take you to come to that realization? I'm just curious. Am I at the forefront of your thoughts lately? I can't help but wonder. There are so many uncertainties in life. And for me that's one of them. Whether you think about me as much as I think about you.

God, I love you so much. The thought of being away from you, not being close to you pains me. But somehow, at this moment in time, I guess we aren't meant to be together. I told you once before, we are on different roads leading us farther away from each other, but you told be that we would just have to fight harder. That all roads lead back to you and me. I can only wonder how hard we fought to stay together. Maybe not hard enough. Or maybe we didn't try at all. ‘Cause look where we are now. I'm on my way to Miami and you...you are spending the summer in Capeside with friends and family. You’re getting ready for a new start in a new city, at a new school. I’m so proud of you, Joey. My heart just swells with joy at the thought of you succeeding and following your dreams. Yet, I think my heart also dies at the thought of me not being there with you to share in your success. I’m jealous of all the people that will get to be around you because I won’t be.

Joey, so many thoughts are running through my mind right now. I don't know if I should even write them out and share them with you. Maybe I should keep them to myself never to reveal them to anyone, especially you. What would you think if I told you my thoughts? What would you say?

So many times I thought if I was the right person for you, because you definitely were too good for me. So smart, and beautiful.... the one who gave me the butterflies. Did you know that Joey? Did I ever tell you that? That you, Miss Josephine Potter, the girl who wrecked me in the best possible way, gave me the butterflies?

Every time I look at you...every time I gaze into your eyes...every time I hear your voice... see you smile or even bite your lower lip.... every time I dream of you...those butterflies just flutter and take off. My dreams of a wonderful relationship began with you. And with you, my life was all the more worth living. Just to wake up in the morning and hear your voice. And fall asleep at night after hearing you say ‘Goodnight, my love’. To feel you and touch you and kiss you. I live for those moments, Joey. God, I can just picture you now next to me. Lying your head on my shoulder and holding my hand. We talk about anything and everything. We laugh. But all that fades before my eyes. No more whispering in your ear naughty thoughts of ravishing you. No more sweet kisses good morning, good afternoon, and goodnight.

I remember everything Joey. I do. I can forgive...but I can never forget. I can never forget what you meant to me. What the past 11 months were for an 18 year old boy from Capeside, Mass.

Capeside encompassed all that we knew. Our friends, our family, a sheltered, cynical life. We had a circle of friends that supported, analyzed and loved. A circle of friends that each of us at one time or another dated or kissed or had a pact with. Or kept secrets from. Or even lied to. We’ve done our fair share of hurting or feeling hurt, insecure, and in a sad state of loneliness. I’ve felt all of those emotions and more when I was with you.

I never wanted to hold you back. But I never wanted to let you go either. And those are two contradicting things. So I chose the former...it was a way for you to move on. Travel to another Paris. Travel the world unknown...by yourself or with...with someone you love by your side. Maybe that someone isn't me. Or maybe it is, but we can never know unless I let you go. Unless you let me go. If our love is meant to be we will find our way back to each other.

My life began with you, Josephine Potter and it ends with you. I so hope it ends with you, but I will never know if I don’t take this step in my life without you. We both need to explore the road less traveled...without each other to turn to.

But know this, Potter, I will always love you and will carry you in my heart always. True Love will set sail again...and I pray to God you are with me when it does.

All my love, forever and always yours.

Pacey

I fold the paper three times. And stick it back in my bag along with the pen. It’s a letter for her, but she will never receive it. I will never send it.

I look back out the small circular window of the plane, out into the wide expanse of the clear blue. My eyes wander downward and I see a mass of green. I see the ocean. The Atlantic Ocean. I guess there were always rough waters and stormy weather ahead for True Love, but the glow and promise of the sun was always masking the possibility of destruction. She was my sun. Land is coming into view. The sun is casting a bright glow over the palm tree lined city and it’s bordering neighbors.

“We will be arriving in Miami in approximately 30 minutes.” The pilot announces and the ding and glow of the seatbelt sign present itself.

I graduated. I didn’t stay for the ceremony though. I stayed just for her and then went to the airport. And only Andie knows. Congratulations to the Capeside High School Class of 2001. It’s time to move on. And that’s what I’m doing.

Florida and then onto the Caribbean Islands. A summer on my own as a deckhand for Dean Newman on Kubelik’s yacht. Last summer I had a blissful romance with Joey. But that was last summer. I am here to clear my mind, relax, work, and put Joey and the rest of Capeside in the recesses of my mind. Good luck, Witter.

Clear blue skies. That’s funny. As clear as it may be now, I see darkness and turbulence. Turmoil. Just like what I saw in her eyes the last time we parted. We talked and then I left, only turning back to see her face watching me leave. Those eyes. The eyes that can tell a story. I wonder what my eyes were telling her when she looked into mine. Probably the same thing. And then I closed my eyes and walked away from the love of my life, never telling her where I was going. Never telling her my plans.

Was that wrong? She would say that I was running away like last summer. Only last summer she ran away with me. She’s no longer with me. This time…maybe I am running away. I need my space and she needs hers. Only she will have someone to pick up the pieces.

Should I have told her? I probably should have but what would that accomplish? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. Damn insecurities. The land is much closer now. The airport and its long runway are in view.

“We will arrive at the gate in approximately 5 minutes. The time now is 3:45 PM. I, as well as my co-pilot and airline attendants, would like to welcome you to Miami. We hope you enjoy your stay here. The temperature is 75 degrees and the sun is shining brightly.”

Definitely dark skies and turbulence. My sun has long since faded.

*****

The sun has set. It’s been a long day. A day to remember. Numerous years all combined, working up to a single day, a single moment in time. All the history, all my history backing up this single day where I stood in front of my peers and gave a speech as the Class of 2001 salutatorian.

I clutch my diploma. A piece of paper. The sacred piece of paper I’ve worked virtually my entire life for. I should be happy. The party is over and so is high school. I’ve graduated.

He’s graduated too but he never showed up. And I spoke empty words. Words that came too late. Do words still have meaning when the one person they’re meant for isn’t there to hear them?

There was a brief moment in time when I was giving my speech that I thought I saw him. One brief moment when I imagined that he was standing there while I poured out my heart. One moment when my brown eyes might have been caught up in the blueness of his eyes. Then I blinked and I realized it was just wishful thinking, his presence a figment of my ever-hopeful imagination.

Part of me knows he’s still here with me because…because I hold him in my heart. I’ll take him everywhere with me although we’re separated.

Separated.

And I don’t even know why any more.

All I know is that he isn’t in Capeside any more, he isn’t by my side. He isn’t with me.

I wonder where he is. I wonder where he’s going. No one knows. Except Andie. There’s this look in her eyes, a cross between pity and something else. I wouldn’t say she’s smug because Andie’s not like that but I know she knows and she knows I know she knows. I’m not sure if I’m making any sense any more. I’m not sure of anything except that I miss him. I love him. And he’s not here.

Last summer I sailed away. Sailed away on True Love.

Last summer I sailed away to a world of magic and dreams. Last summer we created our own reality, our own world. We kissed under the summer sun with a seemingly expanse of blue surrounding us. It was only the two of us. It was only our love and the two of us. Last summer we ran away.

This summer I’m staying in Capeside. Working at the Capeside Yacht Club. Earning money for college. Dawson’s going to USC for summer film school. Jen and Jack are going to Las Vegas. Andie’s back in Italy or somewhere in Europe. And Pacey…Pacey’s location is unknown.

He’s not in Capeside. He’s not with me. I want to scream at him for running away. I want to scream at him for leaving me. My voice is too hoarse and dry from screaming now. My voice just whispers, begs for him to stay.

I’m asking you to stay, sweetheart.

My voice just pleads for him to take me away.

We’ll run away together Pace. Just you and I.

My voice goes unheard.

And the anger and fury has long since ebbed away although there are the residual remnants of the sentiment. Instead I am consumed with the dull, numbing throb of heartache. Although every now and then, amidst my overwhelming sadness and longing, a flush of bitter anger emerges only to fade away into the empty loneliness of a future without Pacey.

I want him to hold me and reassure me that everything will be all right. I want his arms wrapped around me, to feel the safety, security and love that only he can provide me with. I want him to know that he is my future.

I’m not ready to let go of us. I’m not ready to give up but the summer is calling and sun-filled days without him are beckoning.

A veil of darkness has fallen onto the sky. There is a gathering of stormy gray clouds in the night sky. It looks like rain. There are boats coming in. The water is getting rough and the wind is picking up.

Turbulent water.

I feel the soft patter of raindrops fall on my head - large, full raindrops falling on my head. The water comes pouring down all at once and I’m soaked. I don’t bother running for shelter but let the rain fall down on me. Cleansing me. Washing away my sins.

The sun has set. It’s been a long day. I clutch my diploma. I’ve finally graduated. The water is rough and turbulent, dark clouds overshadow the night sky and I’m living a future without Pacey.

Congratulations Josephine Potter, Capeside High’s Class of 2001.

Welcome to the beginning of the rest of your life.