Conversations, Reflections & Meditations


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Sign Guestbook \| View Guestbook Comments? Questions? [email protected]	Prayer topics Feelings of Failure Extra Grace People Why Do I Ask for Help, Lord? Totally Christ-Like I Need To Focus On You, Jesus Feelings of Failure Date: May 15, 2004 Dear Heavenly Father, I love You. I worship You. I want to give You everything I am and have because You are totally worthy of all glory and honor and power and might. So why am I feeling this way? Why do I fail so much? Why am I having such a hard time these days honoring You? You know my heart, Lord. You know I want to serve You with my whole heart. But I just seem to fail You more and more. The more I come to know You, the more evil I see in myself, the more I realize I have to dig out and destroy - like Joshua going into the Promised Land. They'd have a series of great victories and clear out an area and be able to settle it, but it seemed like no matter how many areas they cleared and destroyed totally, there were still more, with lots of enemies lurking all around the edges, and they had to keep going after them, too. I'm pretty sure I read that You didn't let them conquer the entire land at once because there would have been too much land to settle and they couldn't have used all of it at once, and it would have gotten all overgrown and wild. But that left enemies still around them. And then they settled down and didn't go after their enemies, and look at the trouble that caused. Is that a picture of what's been happening to me? This year I just seemed to be having victory after victory, or at least sudden intensive growth in the Lord. And it was glorious and exciting, and my whole life was taken up in it. But at the same time I've felt I've been reaching a saturation point where I just couldn't assimilate any more right now. And besides, my husband had to go back to work, and my back got better, and real life carried on and needed attention. And even though I still long to follow God, it seems like I can't focus like I was doing, and fasting and prayer are more difficult. (I wish I had got a prayer group going right then, a support and encouragement group). But Lord, I want to pray and fast. I want to serve You, I want to be bold for You with my family. I want to win others for You. I want to be continuously being filled with Your Spirit. I want to be walking in Your Presence. But my life is so chaotic these days. New business, mom sick, kids fighting over the computer, trying to be more financially responsible, all those dinners and cakes at church, volunteering at church, editing ____'s manuscript. I'm trying to organize, Lord, so I will have time for You. But it just isn't organizing. What am I doing that isn't Your will? What am I not doing that is Your will? What can I do to get on track with You again? Or is it not meant to be always that glorious? You do know how much we can take at a time. You do know what kinds of struggles - and times of victory and peace - we need. I guess I'm just worried that I am failing You. I see my faults so much more clearly every day, and it's so embarrassing and humiliating - yes, humbling.... is that part of the point? I feel so dirty in the light of Your Presence which You have been shining on me. I can't seem to be thinking, meditating on, walking consciously in Your Presence every moment. I get distracted, still trying to serve You, obey You, live holy before You. And I do love You, Lord. But I don't seem to be able to be constantly aware of Your Presence in every circumstance (like Brother Lawrence did) and I keep messing up (like my outburst last night). Dear Lord, people do want to praise You. And I think we've made "performing music" the way to do it. But then we make these rules about how only talented people can perform. Okay, I know we say they aren't performing, so maybe that is the wrong word. But what other visible, significant, fulfilling ways do we offer people to make them feel that they are praising and worshiping You? I know we all have gifts and they are all necessary and useful, equally in Your sight, but maybe not equally in our sight. So yes, it's our problem... but how can we fix it? If a "non-musical" person wants to publicly praise the Lord, how do they do that in a significant way? We have room for music in our celebrations, and preaching, but what about other ways? Yes, we say that non-public expressions are just as valuable, but how do we make that a reality, Lord? And why do we say that people should be willing to step into and try all kinds of other things even if they aren't talented, but we make music a special category all its own and decide who is "good enough." Why are we so "proud" about our music that we can't bear, in love, to let someone share their praises to God, even while they have a squawky voice? I guess we do this with preaching too, but I'm not sure it's to the same degree. People love to sing. The Bible says "make a joyful noise." And yet, even in the Old Testament, certain people were given the responsibility to lead (and, apparently, were given the talent by God, even if it was hereditary?) Lord, I fear that all my arguments about this maybe actually boil down to my own personal hurts about music over the years, starting back when I was a "second-rate citizen" and only allowed to read a few scripture verses between songs at youth performances at church (though unmusical non-Christians were joyfully welcomed to sing...). And then other incidents. Lord, I do still harbor resentment. Oh Lord, please forgive me, and help me to make it right. I know, Lord, that I have had a major problem wanting attention and approval, and I do believe that You know I am not ready to do it with a pure heart. Oh dear God, please forgive me for my attitude. Please keep humbling me until I am willing to do whatever You want me to do, for Your glory only, not for mine even one tiny bit. I'm so sorry, Lord. Help me, please. I love You, Lord. I love You. Thank You for loving me no matter how much I mess up, and for seeing something good and special in me, even though I fail You so often. Thank You for the perfect holiness You have provided through the precious blood of Your Son, Jesus. thank You that You did pay the debt of sin that I could never pay. Hallenlujah! Amen. Thank You, Jesus. Return to the top Extra Grace People Date: May 19, 2004 I have to start getting up at 5 a.m. I've been waiting too often till 6:00 because I'm "too tired." I think I've gotten into the tired frame-of-mind, expecting to be tired so I am. No good. I have to "wait on the Lord to renew my strength and to rise up with wings as eagles, to run and not be weary, walk and not faint." The key here being to "wait on the Lord," then expect Him, according to His Word to renew my strength (yes, physically, and also spiritually, mentally, emotionally) and then to rise up and to walk and run in that in the power of the Holy Spirit and faith in the promise of God - faith in God Himself, in Jesus who has paid the price for the sin which held me down and enslaved me to the devil himself and to death... and to "tiredness." I have also got to consider whether I am bringing any tiredness on myself by rushing into things without consulting Gd first; walking out of, away from, the Presence and direct guidance and purpose of God. That is, is any of this burnout? I have told You, Lord, over and over, how much I want to serve You. But some of the things that are happening now are totally not what I had in mind. All my life I wished I was "like my mom" - and maybe You are granting that desire, but not necessarily in the way I thought of! ____ were here a couple nights ago, and were talking about how much mom and dad, both, have impacted so many lives over the years... but especially "wierd" ones! I have been reading about peacemaking, about taking people to God in prayer but not gossiping, about restoring broken relationships and fellowship, about listening and sympathizing with people's feelings, about realizing and confessing my part in relationship breakdowns, about not fixing blame or condemning or belittling or being sarcastic, about cooperating with others even if it's a blow to my pride and self-centeredness (actually that's a good thing), and about emphasizing reconciliation, focusing on the relationship, not the problem. I know I read this last year, but I think I just didn't get it. Now You have been working really hard in my heart and life, letting me experience a bit of my mom's life, filling my life with "EGR" (Extra Grace People - see ch 19, "The Purpose Driven Life") people, difficult people with "...special emotional needs, deep insecurities, irritating mannerisms, or poor social skills.... God put these people in our midst for both their benefit and ours. They are an opportunity for growth and a test of fellowship: Will we love them as brothers and sisters and treat them with dignity?.... But community has nothing to do with compatibility. The basis for our fellowship is our relationship to God. We're family. (Rick Warren)" You have been showing me my "quirks and annoying traits," Lord. I have become much more aware of them. Maybe deep down inside I knew: I've always liked the idea of being different, unique, one-of-a-kind. I've always prided myself on being friendly to, and caring about, people who are "different." But I realize now that it has been very superficial. Suddenly, You have been placing some quite truly "EGR" people smack dab in my path, and forcing me to go beyond "friendly" into daily, regular contact (fellowship?) and relationship. For example, there is myself and my "quirkiness," which is not always interesting or pleasant! Then there is my mom and her developing dementia and old age. And that young mom who is dealing with mental illness and marriage problems. And You have been forcing me into deeper individual relationships with my children, and bringing me face to face with my "failings." And that family who are really nice, and are truly dedicated to You, but they are really different from "my world." I was thinking it was a cultural thing, but maybe it is because they have a closer, more dedicated walk with You than I do, and I find that hard to take. And of course my neighbors, party time folks with lots of troubles - and I've been gossiping instead of visiting, and I have surely not been praying and caring. Oh, forgive me, Lord. Help me to do something for them today. And then the lady who I thought was pretty fanatical... but now I'm suddenly feeling that I want to help carry on her vision for this town, and I want to "decree out loud" as she does, with boldness and confidence to the enemy and his forces, that You are not only in control, but You are victorious and have overcome the world. And through You, I too, want to be victorious and strong and courageous, and resist the devil and fight with Your power and weapons until the enemy's power in my town and nation, and his power over lives of people You send my way (including my own life)... till that power is not only broken (as it is, through the shed blood of Jesus) but totally destroyed in the lives of all Your chosen people. "For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world but that the world (all people!) through Him might be saved." And "God is not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance." I never expected to serve "EGR" people. That's a big surprise. I always thought that was a job for people like my mom who are gifted that way. Well, she can't do it much now, so maybe it is my turn to "step up to the bat," as I really should have, at least generally, long ago. I sense a calling of God here. And, dear Lord, I want to respond. I want to do Your will. Your way. "I'm walking in faith and victory... for the Lord, my God, is with me." I want to "do" for You, Lord. Return to the top Why Do I Ask for Help, Lord? Date: May 23, 2004 I read the book about "Safe People" and now I'm reading "12 Christian Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy." And today the sermon at church is to to be about loving people who are hurting. So You are answering my questions, though I'm not sure I am "getting" the answer. It seems like the problem may be in me, but I'm not sure what it is. Does this mean I need to ask some "brethren" what my shortcomings are? Can't I just read another book? I don't like asking people to point out my shortcomings! But a lot of people don't seem to be comfortable around me, or at least I seem to have trouble being friendly or belonging in any deeper way with the people at church. Maybe I'm just shy? Do I come on too strong because I'm trying not to be shy? Am I not "huggy" enough? Is it something a lot worse? Am I too "in your face" with people? Am I self-absorbed and not interested in them and their needs? Yes, maybe, or maybe I feel like I need to protect myself from people dumping on me when I feel like I'm just starting to deal with my own hurts and weaknesses.... I have never felt comfortable with the "counsellor" idea. I am not the counsellor type. But also I know I have a hard time accepting counsel because it usually means there is something wrong with me, and that hurts! So I maybe get defensive and put up walls and try just to be agreeable and keep the peace. It's like I have had a mental block inside me that had kept me from seeing the truth about myself. Well, of course, I have had. It's called sin, and the enemy has without doubt been having a great time exploiting it. So who do I ask help from, Lord? I thought that all I had to do was ask You and depend on You. But what seems clearer all the time is that I need help from the "brethren." And I don't know how to do that. Do I go to a counsellor? my life group? my cell leader? I was really happy for awhile because I seemed to really be getting over seeing myself as a "failure" and instead seeing myself as God sees me through Christ! It was such a relief. But now it seems like I'm running smack into the realities of things in my life that are annoying and sinful and need dealing with and changing, by the help of God and by the help of the church, the body of believers. But I'm having trouble putting my finger on exactly what my problems are. Is this a trick of the enemy, or another step toward maturity in Christ? I think maybe it is the latter, because I don't feel under guilt or condemnation. I just want to grow closer to God and obey Him and love Him and the church more and more. And I'm running into some kind of block, apparently a personality or emotional, and certainly spiritual, issue that "puts people off" me. Am I too agressive? Do I come across as scary somehow? Too "know-it-all" or whatever? Not simple enough? Not accepting? Not trusting in people? (but are people to be trusted? I think I've been too naive in the past...). I say I want to "be me" with people, not trying to put on an act or fill a role (like all my old fears and ideas and anger, too, about the role of women in the church and home. I know the truth now, but those old "tales" are still hovering in the background, and sometimes very much right in my face). Anyway, the trouble maybe is that how can I be "myself" when I'm not even sure who "myself" is? Yes, I know who I am in Christ, but I'm thinking here of personality, relationships, talents and gifts and so on. These these are all wrapped up in Christ, I know, but they are also the "me" that He has made to take a particular plan and purpose for His church and His world, now and for eternity. Return to the top Totally Christ-Like Date: May 28, 2004 In what area of my life, Lord, do I need to become more Christ-like today? Every area! I need to be purposefully aware in everything I do, moment by moment, of the need for every thought, word, action, attitude to be totally Christ-like. Return to the top I Need To Focus On You, Jesus Date: May 11, 2004 Dear Heavenly Father, How I love You! How great You are. How kind to me. How unimaginably great is Your love and Your salvation. Thank You, Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit - my God, Three-in-One, Holy Trinity, God Almighty, Alpha and Omega, Eternal One, God of love and mercy and grace. I praise and honor and glorify Your holy name, for You are indeed worthy. Amen and amen! Lord God, I am wondering if I am really living Christ-like at all? I have been rushing around "doing things for You" but in the rush and bustle and tiredness and frustration (and burn-out?) I have repeated mean things I have heard, and have neglected to visit a person in need, and got angry when my advice wasn't taken. Sure, I've done "good things" like getting ready the info packages for my mom and dad's 50th anniversary, going to see them a bit, doing phoning for the church, writing cards to the members of my life group, planning and setting up a potluck and making the cake and fried bread.... Lots of "stuff," but Lord, at the end I'm tired and I feel like I'm discovering that not only do we need to get rid of "clutter" from our homes, but maybe I also need to get rid of "religious clutter" from my life. Lord God, You know I want to serve You, but oh Lord, how do I know what is service and what is just running around like a chicken with its head cut off? I need focus, Lord, focus on Jesus. Lord Jesus, my dear Lord and Savior, You knew when to withdraw from the crowds into the closer relationship group of Your followers, then Your chosen twelve, then the three, and finally, most of all, You and Your Father alone together, drawing power through prayer and the anointing of the Spirit upon You. That's what I want, Lord, that kind of focusing, but I don't seem to know how to set boundaries or recognize what service is truly needed and will result in the glory of God. You knew who to heal, You never tried to heal everyone, You knew what would bring glory to Your Father, and You knew when You needed rest and refreshment and relationship with God and with Your disciples. Oh dear God, help me to know these kinds of things, too. Please dear God, forgive me and cleanse me of my gossiping, judging spirit, help me to love others unconditionally and seek forgiveness from them for my attitudes. I'm scared to do that last thing, Lord. Show me how important and required it is. Please. (Even though I'm scared to ask, and feel myself holding back, afraid to commit myself too much to it, or to see myself the way I really am. Forgive me, Lord Jesus. Help me, Father, Son, Holy Spirit). Return to the top
Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family


	Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family
Sign Guestbook \| View Guestbook Comments? Questions? [email protected]	Prayer topics Feelings of Failure Extra Grace People Why Do I Ask for Help, Lord? Totally Christ-Like I Need To Focus On You, Jesus Feelings of Failure Date: May 15, 2004 Dear Heavenly Father, I love You. I worship You. I want to give You everything I am and have because You are totally worthy of all glory and honor and power and might. So why am I feeling this way? Why do I fail so much? Why am I having such a hard time these days honoring You? You know my heart, Lord. You know I want to serve You with my whole heart. But I just seem to fail You more and more. The more I come to know You, the more evil I see in myself, the more I realize I have to dig out and destroy - like Joshua going into the Promised Land. They'd have a series of great victories and clear out an area and be able to settle it, but it seemed like no matter how many areas they cleared and destroyed totally, there were still more, with lots of enemies lurking all around the edges, and they had to keep going after them, too. I'm pretty sure I read that You didn't let them conquer the entire land at once because there would have been too much land to settle and they couldn't have used all of it at once, and it would have gotten all overgrown and wild. But that left enemies still around them. And then they settled down and didn't go after their enemies, and look at the trouble that caused. Is that a picture of what's been happening to me? This year I just seemed to be having victory after victory, or at least sudden intensive growth in the Lord. And it was glorious and exciting, and my whole life was taken up in it. But at the same time I've felt I've been reaching a saturation point where I just couldn't assimilate any more right now. And besides, my husband had to go back to work, and my back got better, and real life carried on and needed attention. And even though I still long to follow God, it seems like I can't focus like I was doing, and fasting and prayer are more difficult. (I wish I had got a prayer group going right then, a support and encouragement group). But Lord, I want to pray and fast. I want to serve You, I want to be bold for You with my family. I want to win others for You. I want to be continuously being filled with Your Spirit. I want to be walking in Your Presence. But my life is so chaotic these days. New business, mom sick, kids fighting over the computer, trying to be more financially responsible, all those dinners and cakes at church, volunteering at church, editing ____'s manuscript. I'm trying to organize, Lord, so I will have time for You. But it just isn't organizing. What am I doing that isn't Your will? What am I not doing that is Your will? What can I do to get on track with You again? Or is it not meant to be always that glorious? You do know how much we can take at a time. You do know what kinds of struggles - and times of victory and peace - we need. I guess I'm just worried that I am failing You. I see my faults so much more clearly every day, and it's so embarrassing and humiliating - yes, humbling.... is that part of the point? I feel so dirty in the light of Your Presence which You have been shining on me. I can't seem to be thinking, meditating on, walking consciously in Your Presence every moment. I get distracted, still trying to serve You, obey You, live holy before You. And I do love You, Lord. But I don't seem to be able to be constantly aware of Your Presence in every circumstance (like Brother Lawrence did) and I keep messing up (like my outburst last night). Dear Lord, people do want to praise You. And I think we've made "performing music" the way to do it. But then we make these rules about how only talented people can perform. Okay, I know we say they aren't performing, so maybe that is the wrong word. But what other visible, significant, fulfilling ways do we offer people to make them feel that they are praising and worshiping You? I know we all have gifts and they are all necessary and useful, equally in Your sight, but maybe not equally in our sight. So yes, it's our problem... but how can we fix it? If a "non-musical" person wants to publicly praise the Lord, how do they do that in a significant way? We have room for music in our celebrations, and preaching, but what about other ways? Yes, we say that non-public expressions are just as valuable, but how do we make that a reality, Lord? And why do we say that people should be willing to step into and try all kinds of other things even if they aren't talented, but we make music a special category all its own and decide who is "good enough." Why are we so "proud" about our music that we can't bear, in love, to let someone share their praises to God, even while they have a squawky voice? I guess we do this with preaching too, but I'm not sure it's to the same degree. People love to sing. The Bible says "make a joyful noise." And yet, even in the Old Testament, certain people were given the responsibility to lead (and, apparently, were given the talent by God, even if it was hereditary?) Lord, I fear that all my arguments about this maybe actually boil down to my own personal hurts about music over the years, starting back when I was a "second-rate citizen" and only allowed to read a few scripture verses between songs at youth performances at church (though unmusical non-Christians were joyfully welcomed to sing...). And then other incidents. Lord, I do still harbor resentment. Oh Lord, please forgive me, and help me to make it right. I know, Lord, that I have had a major problem wanting attention and approval, and I do believe that You know I am not ready to do it with a pure heart. Oh dear God, please forgive me for my attitude. Please keep humbling me until I am willing to do whatever You want me to do, for Your glory only, not for mine even one tiny bit. I'm so sorry, Lord. Help me, please. I love You, Lord. I love You. Thank You for loving me no matter how much I mess up, and for seeing something good and special in me, even though I fail You so often. Thank You for the perfect holiness You have provided through the precious blood of Your Son, Jesus. thank You that You did pay the debt of sin that I could never pay. Hallenlujah! Amen. Thank You, Jesus. Return to the top Extra Grace People Date: May 19, 2004 I have to start getting up at 5 a.m. I've been waiting too often till 6:00 because I'm "too tired." I think I've gotten into the tired frame-of-mind, expecting to be tired so I am. No good. I have to "wait on the Lord to renew my strength and to rise up with wings as eagles, to run and not be weary, walk and not faint." The key here being to "wait on the Lord," then expect Him, according to His Word to renew my strength (yes, physically, and also spiritually, mentally, emotionally) and then to rise up and to walk and run in that in the power of the Holy Spirit and faith in the promise of God - faith in God Himself, in Jesus who has paid the price for the sin which held me down and enslaved me to the devil himself and to death... and to "tiredness." I have also got to consider whether I am bringing any tiredness on myself by rushing into things without consulting Gd first; walking out of, away from, the Presence and direct guidance and purpose of God. That is, is any of this burnout? I have told You, Lord, over and over, how much I want to serve You. But some of the things that are happening now are totally not what I had in mind. All my life I wished I was "like my mom" - and maybe You are granting that desire, but not necessarily in the way I thought of! ____ were here a couple nights ago, and were talking about how much mom and dad, both, have impacted so many lives over the years... but especially "wierd" ones! I have been reading about peacemaking, about taking people to God in prayer but not gossiping, about restoring broken relationships and fellowship, about listening and sympathizing with people's feelings, about realizing and confessing my part in relationship breakdowns, about not fixing blame or condemning or belittling or being sarcastic, about cooperating with others even if it's a blow to my pride and self-centeredness (actually that's a good thing), and about emphasizing reconciliation, focusing on the relationship, not the problem. I know I read this last year, but I think I just didn't get it. Now You have been working really hard in my heart and life, letting me experience a bit of my mom's life, filling my life with "EGR" (Extra Grace People - see ch 19, "The Purpose Driven Life") people, difficult people with "...special emotional needs, deep insecurities, irritating mannerisms, or poor social skills.... God put these people in our midst for both their benefit and ours. They are an opportunity for growth and a test of fellowship: Will we love them as brothers and sisters and treat them with dignity?.... But community has nothing to do with compatibility. The basis for our fellowship is our relationship to God. We're family. (Rick Warren)" You have been showing me my "quirks and annoying traits," Lord. I have become much more aware of them. Maybe deep down inside I knew: I've always liked the idea of being different, unique, one-of-a-kind. I've always prided myself on being friendly to, and caring about, people who are "different." But I realize now that it has been very superficial. Suddenly, You have been placing some quite truly "EGR" people smack dab in my path, and forcing me to go beyond "friendly" into daily, regular contact (fellowship?) and relationship. For example, there is myself and my "quirkiness," which is not always interesting or pleasant! Then there is my mom and her developing dementia and old age. And that young mom who is dealing with mental illness and marriage problems. And You have been forcing me into deeper individual relationships with my children, and bringing me face to face with my "failings." And that family who are really nice, and are truly dedicated to You, but they are really different from "my world." I was thinking it was a cultural thing, but maybe it is because they have a closer, more dedicated walk with You than I do, and I find that hard to take. And of course my neighbors, party time folks with lots of troubles - and I've been gossiping instead of visiting, and I have surely not been praying and caring. Oh, forgive me, Lord. Help me to do something for them today. And then the lady who I thought was pretty fanatical... but now I'm suddenly feeling that I want to help carry on her vision for this town, and I want to "decree out loud" as she does, with boldness and confidence to the enemy and his forces, that You are not only in control, but You are victorious and have overcome the world. And through You, I too, want to be victorious and strong and courageous, and resist the devil and fight with Your power and weapons until the enemy's power in my town and nation, and his power over lives of people You send my way (including my own life)... till that power is not only broken (as it is, through the shed blood of Jesus) but totally destroyed in the lives of all Your chosen people. "For God sent not His Son into the world to condemn the world but that the world (all people!) through Him might be saved." And "God is not willing that any should perish but that all should come to repentance." I never expected to serve "EGR" people. That's a big surprise. I always thought that was a job for people like my mom who are gifted that way. Well, she can't do it much now, so maybe it is my turn to "step up to the bat," as I really should have, at least generally, long ago. I sense a calling of God here. And, dear Lord, I want to respond. I want to do Your will. Your way. "I'm walking in faith and victory... for the Lord, my God, is with me." I want to "do" for You, Lord. Return to the top Why Do I Ask for Help, Lord? Date: May 23, 2004 I read the book about "Safe People" and now I'm reading "12 Christian Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy." And today the sermon at church is to to be about loving people who are hurting. So You are answering my questions, though I'm not sure I am "getting" the answer. It seems like the problem may be in me, but I'm not sure what it is. Does this mean I need to ask some "brethren" what my shortcomings are? Can't I just read another book? I don't like asking people to point out my shortcomings! But a lot of people don't seem to be comfortable around me, or at least I seem to have trouble being friendly or belonging in any deeper way with the people at church. Maybe I'm just shy? Do I come on too strong because I'm trying not to be shy? Am I not "huggy" enough? Is it something a lot worse? Am I too "in your face" with people? Am I self-absorbed and not interested in them and their needs? Yes, maybe, or maybe I feel like I need to protect myself from people dumping on me when I feel like I'm just starting to deal with my own hurts and weaknesses.... I have never felt comfortable with the "counsellor" idea. I am not the counsellor type. But also I know I have a hard time accepting counsel because it usually means there is something wrong with me, and that hurts! So I maybe get defensive and put up walls and try just to be agreeable and keep the peace. It's like I have had a mental block inside me that had kept me from seeing the truth about myself. Well, of course, I have had. It's called sin, and the enemy has without doubt been having a great time exploiting it. So who do I ask help from, Lord? I thought that all I had to do was ask You and depend on You. But what seems clearer all the time is that I need help from the "brethren." And I don't know how to do that. Do I go to a counsellor? my life group? my cell leader? I was really happy for awhile because I seemed to really be getting over seeing myself as a "failure" and instead seeing myself as God sees me through Christ! It was such a relief. But now it seems like I'm running smack into the realities of things in my life that are annoying and sinful and need dealing with and changing, by the help of God and by the help of the church, the body of believers. But I'm having trouble putting my finger on exactly what my problems are. Is this a trick of the enemy, or another step toward maturity in Christ? I think maybe it is the latter, because I don't feel under guilt or condemnation. I just want to grow closer to God and obey Him and love Him and the church more and more. And I'm running into some kind of block, apparently a personality or emotional, and certainly spiritual, issue that "puts people off" me. Am I too agressive? Do I come across as scary somehow? Too "know-it-all" or whatever? Not simple enough? Not accepting? Not trusting in people? (but are people to be trusted? I think I've been too naive in the past...). I say I want to "be me" with people, not trying to put on an act or fill a role (like all my old fears and ideas and anger, too, about the role of women in the church and home. I know the truth now, but those old "tales" are still hovering in the background, and sometimes very much right in my face). Anyway, the trouble maybe is that how can I be "myself" when I'm not even sure who "myself" is? Yes, I know who I am in Christ, but I'm thinking here of personality, relationships, talents and gifts and so on. These these are all wrapped up in Christ, I know, but they are also the "me" that He has made to take a particular plan and purpose for His church and His world, now and for eternity. Return to the top Totally Christ-Like Date: May 28, 2004 In what area of my life, Lord, do I need to become more Christ-like today? Every area! I need to be purposefully aware in everything I do, moment by moment, of the need for every thought, word, action, attitude to be totally Christ-like. Return to the top I Need To Focus On You, Jesus Date: May 11, 2004 Dear Heavenly Father, How I love You! How great You are. How kind to me. How unimaginably great is Your love and Your salvation. Thank You, Father, Jesus, Holy Spirit - my God, Three-in-One, Holy Trinity, God Almighty, Alpha and Omega, Eternal One, God of love and mercy and grace. I praise and honor and glorify Your holy name, for You are indeed worthy. Amen and amen! Lord God, I am wondering if I am really living Christ-like at all? I have been rushing around "doing things for You" but in the rush and bustle and tiredness and frustration (and burn-out?) I have repeated mean things I have heard, and have neglected to visit a person in need, and got angry when my advice wasn't taken. Sure, I've done "good things" like getting ready the info packages for my mom and dad's 50th anniversary, going to see them a bit, doing phoning for the church, writing cards to the members of my life group, planning and setting up a potluck and making the cake and fried bread.... Lots of "stuff," but Lord, at the end I'm tired and I feel like I'm discovering that not only do we need to get rid of "clutter" from our homes, but maybe I also need to get rid of "religious clutter" from my life. Lord God, You know I want to serve You, but oh Lord, how do I know what is service and what is just running around like a chicken with its head cut off? I need focus, Lord, focus on Jesus. Lord Jesus, my dear Lord and Savior, You knew when to withdraw from the crowds into the closer relationship group of Your followers, then Your chosen twelve, then the three, and finally, most of all, You and Your Father alone together, drawing power through prayer and the anointing of the Spirit upon You. That's what I want, Lord, that kind of focusing, but I don't seem to know how to set boundaries or recognize what service is truly needed and will result in the glory of God. You knew who to heal, You never tried to heal everyone, You knew what would bring glory to Your Father, and You knew when You needed rest and refreshment and relationship with God and with Your disciples. Oh dear God, help me to know these kinds of things, too. Please dear God, forgive me and cleanse me of my gossiping, judging spirit, help me to love others unconditionally and seek forgiveness from them for my attitudes. I'm scared to do that last thing, Lord. Show me how important and required it is. Please. (Even though I'm scared to ask, and feel myself holding back, afraid to commit myself too much to it, or to see myself the way I really am. Forgive me, Lord Jesus. Help me, Father, Son, Holy Spirit). Return to the top
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