Conversations, Reflections & Meditations


	Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family
Sign Guestbook \| View Guestbook Comments? Questions? [email protected]	Prayer topics I'm so Tired ... I Need You Help Me to Wait I'm Discouraged and Tired, Lord I'm So Tired ... I Need You Date: February 14, 2005 Thank You for a good day, Lord – even if I have been a big-mouth, gossip, slanderer type person. Please forgive me. I am sorry. I think I’ve just gotten too complacent and self-righteous, with not enough really listening to You, Lord. There are all kinds of bright ideas swirling around in my head, lots of excitement – but I’m not really knowing You. Lord, I am anxious about getting on “doing” for You. I’m busy telling others to just take it a day at a time when they want to know right now Your purpose for them. But I’m doing the very same thing! You spoke to me today through the Springs in the Valley devotional: “There are times when a Christian needs to lie still [like in Ps 23:2], like the earth under the spring rain, letting the lesson of experience and the memories of the Word of God sink down to the very roots of his life and fill the deep reservoirs of his soul.” Maybe that’s what I need, Lord. Time just to lie quietly in Your green pastures and meditate, soak up what You have for me. I do feel kind of dry and empty at the same time as I’m also excited about the possibilities I see in Your work around me. I want to rush into things, instead of resting in You, getting nourished and prepared. I’m tired, Lord. I’m tired of the dark, cold, early morning paper routes. And it doesn’t help that I’m usually hardly praying at all as I’m on my way. I’m so tired, yet not praying makes me lose enthusiasm and joy and Your strength, so I become even more tired. Anything done in my own strength is exhausting and useless. I need You in it all. Return to the top Help Me to Wait Date: February 28, 2005 Dear Lord God, Heavenly Father. It is indeed a long time since I have been writing. A lot has happened in the past week or so. There has been a lot of tension in our family. And major car repairs all of a sudden. And our special friends going through a really hard time financially and ministry-wise, too. Our church is offering a seminar weekend, about leaders seeking the “heart of the Lord.” In some ways I really want to go, but I don’t know if that is Your will, Lord. I am really concerned about myself in a leadership position due to my family problems and my bad attitudes that I keep noticing more and more. I know that as a woman, if I am called to leadership it should be in terms of leading women and children. I want to get busy, but maybe that is a problem too. I am impatient for our church to get going with its cell ministry, reaching out, really loving in practical ways. Help me, dear Lord, to wait upon Your timing and direction. Thank You, Lord. Return to the top I'm Discouraged and Tired, Lord Date: March 6, 2005 What a crazy week. Major car repairs. Major lost cash and ID. Computer monitor died. Sickness in the family. Depression. Mom going downhill (dementia). Personal tiredness. Family members upset about various things. Need for money for various needs. None of this makes sense to me (of course) but I do know You are in control of all things, so I really don’t feel all panicky. Wow! You said in Your Word to bring our needs to You, so here they are. My kids’ salvation and walk with You. My husband’s and my walk with You. And our marriage needs. Family health problems. Need for jobs for the kids during the summer, to save for college. Our finances. Well, I kind of want to say “please fix it all” – and I don’t doubt that You can. After all, You own it all, You made us all, You’re in total control. But what if You have a bigger plan in all this? I don’t want to miss out on Your best! You know the spiritual struggles I have been going through, the guilt and hypocrisy I have seen in my own life while I want other people to be loving, the dryness I have experienced in worship for a long time, the struggles I still go through on Sundays when I wish to be part of the worship team, and the long discussions I have had with myself – and You – about my hurt feelings about not being able to be part of that. You know about my writing difficulties, and my lack of submissiveness in my marriage, and my puzzlement about what my gifts might be. On the other hand, I’ve been having some great opportunities to share with others what I know about teaching and librarianship and financial planning. And You’ve really been helping me with my French learning and teaching. Lord, You know my heart. You know I went to the altar in church today and just gave it all over to You, and that I long to worship You. How nice of _____ to bring those things to repair my guitar, and for ______ making music on guitar along with me at Life Group. And thank You for ____ placing her hand on my back and praying for me this morning. I just felt so dry and empty and tired, and that was what I needed to “let go,” so bless her, Lord, and thank You, too, Lord.) I really can’t see the future at all. I still believe the vision You gave me stands. I don’t know where You’re taking me right now. Just help me be a good wife and mother, Lord, and a truly loving child of Yours. And just take care of the rest, Lord, in Your own perfect and amazing way. Amen Lord, dare I say this? I feel like maybe all, or most, of my ideas are just from me…. Because they just never work out. There have been so many things I’ve been excited about over the years, things I was sure were from You, and then (sometimes after a seemingly bright start, sometimes just dead in the starting gate) they just fizzled or didn’t even get going. Am I a bad person? Am I trying to do it on my own (even when I’m really, really trying to do Your will alone)? Am I just a big, bad hypocrite, useless to You? I know I complain, I know I talk against people. I know I’m not a good, loving, respectful, submissive, encouraging “nice little Christian” wife. I know I blame my husband for things instead of trusting You, or taking the blame myself, where it probably belongs. I know I get weepy and it’s probably all just one big self-centered pity party. Maybe I was just wrong to leave our previous hometown in the first place. Maybe some miracles wouldn’t help anyway, for my family (I see miracles, but they don’t). Maybe it is all about me taking too much responsibility and being too co-dependent. Maybe it is because I don’t stick up for my husband to the kids, hardly ever. Maybe it is because I am always promising to do better and then I just blow it more and more. I’ll be honest. I feel like I deserve a bit of notice for trying. I mean, I know I don’t “deserve” anything… but what about Your promises to answer prayer? Yes, I know they all come with “if’s” and I’ve pretty much screwed up every one of those conditions, so yes, no miracles or answers deserved… Sorry. Again. But couldn’t You please heal little _____ now, from all his physical problems? Oh God, how I trusted and trusted and trusted You to make him whole. Is it wrong of me to ask, “What’s up?” And while I’m asking awful, nasty questions… am I/we getting punished for failing to fulfill that “Conquering Debt God’s Way” vow? Are we just plain getting punished? For everything. Goodness knows, I’m a major screw-up. Yes, I am discouraged. And terribly tired. I know I don’t deserve anything. But I also know You love me. I know I’m Your child. I know, from being a mom myself, that sometimes you just have to let your kids muddle through so they grow up. But sometimes it is okay to encourage them a bit, isn’t it? I don’t know if I have any right at all to ask this, Father, but oh my, oh my, I really could use some encouragement right about now. And I wish it wouldn’t be just a flash-in-the-pan moment that ends up looking like just another one of my useless fizzled-out big ideas of my own that weren’t any good, just me, relying on myself again – which I can’t seem to escape, You know? I feel like curling up in a little ball and hiding away, fading away. Of course I won’t because that’s useless. But I’m sick to death, totally wiped out sick and exhausted of trying to carry on. Guess I’ve been in my own strength again, eh! Lord, I’m so tired. I need rest. You are supposed to be my rest. Your “yoke is easy and Your burden is light” (which just goes to show that I’ve been carrying my own). How do I get to Your rest? How do I lose my load? How do I give it up? I feel like I keep giving it up and giving it up and giving it up, and it just keeps getting heavier and heavier. (a bit later) _______ heard me crying and came in. She said I have been a good mom; just look at how everybody is getting their education, and nobody is a major druggie and so on. Which is true. And I am grateful to You, Lord, for that, because in this day and age (maybe any day and age) that’s some kind of miracle in itself. Thank You. But how do I tell her what I really long for is for my kids to follow You? They don’t even want me to mention it. So what have I done wrong there? Been too permissive? Not strict enough? Not enough devotions? Too easy going about the ways of the world? Too afraid of driving them away from You? Getting what is coming to me for turning from You when I was their age (against, yes, though You know I never stopped believing, though I thought maybe You wouldn’t want me back…. What is that unpardonable sin, anyway?). And for my part in messing up my first marriage (which probably wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t got pregnant, and had that abortion). Forgiven, but haunted forever by the consequences? I really don’t have a right to complain about my hubby. He does love me and the kids, even if he is away a lot. He is a good dad and husband, even if he has trouble handling our “crises” sometimes. He is a good provider, faithful and loyal, handsome and friendly. I think he does want to serve You, Lord; I have been seeing him move closer to You. Maybe the troubles we’ve had the past few months are the enemy trying to stop or pervert that change, so I just need to hang in there and trust You. Return to the top
Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family


	Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family
Sign Guestbook \| View Guestbook Comments? Questions? [email protected]	Prayer topics I'm so Tired ... I Need You Help Me to Wait I'm Discouraged and Tired, Lord I'm So Tired ... I Need You Date: February 14, 2005 Thank You for a good day, Lord – even if I have been a big-mouth, gossip, slanderer type person. Please forgive me. I am sorry. I think I’ve just gotten too complacent and self-righteous, with not enough really listening to You, Lord. There are all kinds of bright ideas swirling around in my head, lots of excitement – but I’m not really knowing You. Lord, I am anxious about getting on “doing” for You. I’m busy telling others to just take it a day at a time when they want to know right now Your purpose for them. But I’m doing the very same thing! You spoke to me today through the Springs in the Valley devotional: “There are times when a Christian needs to lie still [like in Ps 23:2], like the earth under the spring rain, letting the lesson of experience and the memories of the Word of God sink down to the very roots of his life and fill the deep reservoirs of his soul.” Maybe that’s what I need, Lord. Time just to lie quietly in Your green pastures and meditate, soak up what You have for me. I do feel kind of dry and empty at the same time as I’m also excited about the possibilities I see in Your work around me. I want to rush into things, instead of resting in You, getting nourished and prepared. I’m tired, Lord. I’m tired of the dark, cold, early morning paper routes. And it doesn’t help that I’m usually hardly praying at all as I’m on my way. I’m so tired, yet not praying makes me lose enthusiasm and joy and Your strength, so I become even more tired. Anything done in my own strength is exhausting and useless. I need You in it all. Return to the top Help Me to Wait Date: February 28, 2005 Dear Lord God, Heavenly Father. It is indeed a long time since I have been writing. A lot has happened in the past week or so. There has been a lot of tension in our family. And major car repairs all of a sudden. And our special friends going through a really hard time financially and ministry-wise, too. Our church is offering a seminar weekend, about leaders seeking the “heart of the Lord.” In some ways I really want to go, but I don’t know if that is Your will, Lord. I am really concerned about myself in a leadership position due to my family problems and my bad attitudes that I keep noticing more and more. I know that as a woman, if I am called to leadership it should be in terms of leading women and children. I want to get busy, but maybe that is a problem too. I am impatient for our church to get going with its cell ministry, reaching out, really loving in practical ways. Help me, dear Lord, to wait upon Your timing and direction. Thank You, Lord. Return to the top I'm Discouraged and Tired, Lord Date: March 6, 2005 What a crazy week. Major car repairs. Major lost cash and ID. Computer monitor died. Sickness in the family. Depression. Mom going downhill (dementia). Personal tiredness. Family members upset about various things. Need for money for various needs. None of this makes sense to me (of course) but I do know You are in control of all things, so I really don’t feel all panicky. Wow! You said in Your Word to bring our needs to You, so here they are. My kids’ salvation and walk with You. My husband’s and my walk with You. And our marriage needs. Family health problems. Need for jobs for the kids during the summer, to save for college. Our finances. Well, I kind of want to say “please fix it all” – and I don’t doubt that You can. After all, You own it all, You made us all, You’re in total control. But what if You have a bigger plan in all this? I don’t want to miss out on Your best! You know the spiritual struggles I have been going through, the guilt and hypocrisy I have seen in my own life while I want other people to be loving, the dryness I have experienced in worship for a long time, the struggles I still go through on Sundays when I wish to be part of the worship team, and the long discussions I have had with myself – and You – about my hurt feelings about not being able to be part of that. You know about my writing difficulties, and my lack of submissiveness in my marriage, and my puzzlement about what my gifts might be. On the other hand, I’ve been having some great opportunities to share with others what I know about teaching and librarianship and financial planning. And You’ve really been helping me with my French learning and teaching. Lord, You know my heart. You know I went to the altar in church today and just gave it all over to You, and that I long to worship You. How nice of _____ to bring those things to repair my guitar, and for ______ making music on guitar along with me at Life Group. And thank You for ____ placing her hand on my back and praying for me this morning. I just felt so dry and empty and tired, and that was what I needed to “let go,” so bless her, Lord, and thank You, too, Lord.) I really can’t see the future at all. I still believe the vision You gave me stands. I don’t know where You’re taking me right now. Just help me be a good wife and mother, Lord, and a truly loving child of Yours. And just take care of the rest, Lord, in Your own perfect and amazing way. Amen Lord, dare I say this? I feel like maybe all, or most, of my ideas are just from me…. Because they just never work out. There have been so many things I’ve been excited about over the years, things I was sure were from You, and then (sometimes after a seemingly bright start, sometimes just dead in the starting gate) they just fizzled or didn’t even get going. Am I a bad person? Am I trying to do it on my own (even when I’m really, really trying to do Your will alone)? Am I just a big, bad hypocrite, useless to You? I know I complain, I know I talk against people. I know I’m not a good, loving, respectful, submissive, encouraging “nice little Christian” wife. I know I blame my husband for things instead of trusting You, or taking the blame myself, where it probably belongs. I know I get weepy and it’s probably all just one big self-centered pity party. Maybe I was just wrong to leave our previous hometown in the first place. Maybe some miracles wouldn’t help anyway, for my family (I see miracles, but they don’t). Maybe it is all about me taking too much responsibility and being too co-dependent. Maybe it is because I don’t stick up for my husband to the kids, hardly ever. Maybe it is because I am always promising to do better and then I just blow it more and more. I’ll be honest. I feel like I deserve a bit of notice for trying. I mean, I know I don’t “deserve” anything… but what about Your promises to answer prayer? Yes, I know they all come with “if’s” and I’ve pretty much screwed up every one of those conditions, so yes, no miracles or answers deserved… Sorry. Again. But couldn’t You please heal little _____ now, from all his physical problems? Oh God, how I trusted and trusted and trusted You to make him whole. Is it wrong of me to ask, “What’s up?” And while I’m asking awful, nasty questions… am I/we getting punished for failing to fulfill that “Conquering Debt God’s Way” vow? Are we just plain getting punished? For everything. Goodness knows, I’m a major screw-up. Yes, I am discouraged. And terribly tired. I know I don’t deserve anything. But I also know You love me. I know I’m Your child. I know, from being a mom myself, that sometimes you just have to let your kids muddle through so they grow up. But sometimes it is okay to encourage them a bit, isn’t it? I don’t know if I have any right at all to ask this, Father, but oh my, oh my, I really could use some encouragement right about now. And I wish it wouldn’t be just a flash-in-the-pan moment that ends up looking like just another one of my useless fizzled-out big ideas of my own that weren’t any good, just me, relying on myself again – which I can’t seem to escape, You know? I feel like curling up in a little ball and hiding away, fading away. Of course I won’t because that’s useless. But I’m sick to death, totally wiped out sick and exhausted of trying to carry on. Guess I’ve been in my own strength again, eh! Lord, I’m so tired. I need rest. You are supposed to be my rest. Your “yoke is easy and Your burden is light” (which just goes to show that I’ve been carrying my own). How do I get to Your rest? How do I lose my load? How do I give it up? I feel like I keep giving it up and giving it up and giving it up, and it just keeps getting heavier and heavier. (a bit later) _______ heard me crying and came in. She said I have been a good mom; just look at how everybody is getting their education, and nobody is a major druggie and so on. Which is true. And I am grateful to You, Lord, for that, because in this day and age (maybe any day and age) that’s some kind of miracle in itself. Thank You. But how do I tell her what I really long for is for my kids to follow You? They don’t even want me to mention it. So what have I done wrong there? Been too permissive? Not strict enough? Not enough devotions? Too easy going about the ways of the world? Too afraid of driving them away from You? Getting what is coming to me for turning from You when I was their age (against, yes, though You know I never stopped believing, though I thought maybe You wouldn’t want me back…. What is that unpardonable sin, anyway?). And for my part in messing up my first marriage (which probably wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t got pregnant, and had that abortion). Forgiven, but haunted forever by the consequences? I really don’t have a right to complain about my hubby. He does love me and the kids, even if he is away a lot. He is a good dad and husband, even if he has trouble handling our “crises” sometimes. He is a good provider, faithful and loyal, handsome and friendly. I think he does want to serve You, Lord; I have been seeing him move closer to You. Maybe the troubles we’ve had the past few months are the enemy trying to stop or pervert that change, so I just need to hang in there and trust You. Return to the top
Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family