Conversations, Reflections & Meditations


	Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family
Sign Guestbook \| View Guestbook Comments? Questions? [email protected]	Prayer topics Forgiving and Repenting - Your Ways, Not Ours Are You Desiring to Shake Up and Purify Your Church, Lord? And Our Nation, Lord? An Awful, Awe-ful Silence...Oh Lord, Help Us Repent, Humble Ourselves...And Step Into Your Glorious Light, Life, Fulness Resentment, Grief, Loss - Dying and Death Glimpses of Eternal Light and Glory and Joy - And Jesus! Is It Normal To Feel This Way When Your Dad is Dying? Forgiving and Repenting - Your Ways, Not Ours Date: August 11, 2006 There are a few things I've been pondering, and I think they are from You. One is the "internal" resume submitted to the Pastoral Search Team re the senior pastor position. The team seemed unanimous that this candidate (and other internal applicants) were not suitable because of "history" relating to internal hurts and "differences" and "baggage" and incidents in the past... and the "need" to have someone from outside who would be mature and experienced, and, I guess, more objective and all. And that seemed, to me at the time, to make "sense" even though my heart was not settled on it or even my head, but I just put it down to my "unfocused" condition. But now I am wondering if that is more of a "worldly" response... and if perhaps indeed, what You really want is for us all to really, truly, get down on our faces before You and repent of our differences and forgive people for our "hurts" and repent of our bad attitudes and grudges and "expectations" and stuff... and really, truly fast and pray and seek Your will and plan rather than our way of "logical" (or whatever) thinking. We seem to have a lot of "problems" that really cannot be solved, I don't think, by a man, no matter how godly and mature and experienced he may be. It seems to me like our "problems" at root are problems in our relationships - including my relationship - individually and corporately with You, with the family of God, within our own families, with the world and those in it... Oh dear God, what is it You are saying to us? I want to hear Your voice, Lord... Return to the top Are You Desiring to Shake Up and Purify Your Church, Lord? Date: August 12, 2006 I have been wondering if maybe the fact that there is no money for "renovations" to create classrooms for "children's chuch" is from the Lord: maybe He doesn't want us tied into that age-segregated system of the world, which the church has bought into. Oh Lord, what are You doing here? Are You desiring to shake up and purify Your church? (Oh Lord, let it all be You - not me. Please, if this is from me - at all - stamp out and destroy all that is me. Yes, Lord, destroy/remove completely "me" if I am causing a wrong direction. Take me out, please, whatever that means! Thank You! (Hard to say that...) Oh dear God, bring Your people - all Your people, including Your First Nations people - (Lord, I believe this is Your voice speaking to me) - to deep and total repentance and turning totally to You and begging for the filling of Your Spirit, that our land may be healed!!! (2 Chronicles 7:14). Help us to humble ourselves, to cast away "our" great (worldly, man-made, selfish, "successful") ideas, and make ourselves barren and empty and naked before You, for only then can You clothe us in Your righteousness and fill us and overflow us by the filling and working and guiding of Your Holy Spirit. Only then can we be filled with, and flow out into the world, the love and compassions and mercy and care and goodness and peace and patience and gentleness and joy of the Lord! Oh Lord, oh that we would be obedient and open and faithful to You and Your Spirit, accepting You, opening every crack and crevice of our being to Your light and life, allowing You to scrape out every wisp of darkness and shadow of evil. Drive out the enemy, Lord, from our midst; keep us alert, Lord; help us resist him in every area, in every way, and then he will flee! Oh Lord, help us to arm ourselves with the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God, the belt of truth, and our feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace, that we may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. Help us, oh help us, dear God! to resist the rulers, the powers, the world forces of darkness, the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places! Help us to pray and petition You at all time in the Spirit, aler and persevering for all the saints, and make us bold - make me bold, Lord - to make known, to be an ambassador of, to proclaim, to speak boldly, the mystery of the gospel - no matter how people may react or what they may try to do to "shut me down"! Thank You, Lord! (Ephesians 6). Return to the top And Our Nation, Lord? Date: August 13, 2006 Ezekial 9:4-7 Lord, Is this how You are feeling about our nation? Every day You make my heart more sick to see where our nation - and our world - is going. How can You stand it, Lord? I know Your mercies are great, but I also know You are jealous and feel great anger when Your people turn from You and take up the ways of the world. And I fear that we have gone so far -- to far -- in that direction, not even seeing our descent into the evil ways of the world. Oh dear God, wake us up, draw us to Yourself, before it is too late. Thank You, Lord. Return to the top An Aweful, Awe-ful Silence...Oh Lord, Help Us Repent, Humble Ourselves...And Step Into Your Glorious Light, Life, Fulness Date: August 15, 2006 Lord, at the end of the meeting last night I shared 2 Chronicles 7:14 and expressed my great concern and desire - which I know You have laid on my heart - for our church to really start praying, together, often, in deep repentance and seeking Your face, in deep humility before You, so that You will answer and forgive us and heal our land - starting with healing ourselves, as believers and members of Your body. (Lord, I am terrified to move on in the "Pastoral search" until we as a body and a team have together reached this point of total repentance and humility and submission and obedience to You and Your Word, and are all under the full control of Your Spirit. Oh Lord, please do not let us "move forward" in our own ways, no matter how reasonable they may seem to us or how enticing a solution they may seem to be when we face pressure by church members - individuals or even the majority! - to get on with the "process" of "appointing a senior pastor!") After I spoke my concern and read the scripture, there was a long, total silence. I have never experienced a silence that complete. Lord, it was, well, "heavy" and terribly still and "black-dark." It was like no one could move, like there were no words that could fill it. Lord God, it was, to be honest, frightening - in a sense perhaps of "awe-full-ness." Yes, it was an awful - and awe-ful - silence. (Finally one lady "broke" it with a kind of nervous comment about "Well, that was good" or words to that effect). Even the "breaking," while providing a sense of almost giddy, nervous, even giggly relief, had a razor-sharp kind of edge to it, a shattering of something that we perhaps did not understand and that made us - or me, at least - startled and uncomfortable, and even wanting to escape, yet at the same time amazed, and feeling a fearful expectation, and wondering and wanting to see what would come next. Lord, I don't know what happened there. I've felt heavy darkness before, oppressive darkness... but this wasn't the same. There was almost a crystal clear darkness in that silence, a sense of breath-holding, a feeling that one dare not move or breathe. If we had waited long enough, would we have heard Your still, small voice? What was happening there? What were You doing? Lord, afterwards I wished I had just slipped off my chair, onto my face, and cried out to You right then and there in deep repentance and humility of heart, and great desire to see Your Spirit pour out upon us. Is that the opportunity You were offering? Did we miss out on something great from You? Are You just waiting and longing for just one person - even me? especially me? - to step out and lead the way? You know, Father God, the emptiness I have been feeling, the certainty that there is still great sin in my life that needs confessing and casting away (although I have not been able to define what it is) - a sense of being dry and empty and separated from You, a great conviction that You have so much more You want to give me - and yet a frustration, even fear, of not knowing how to take that next step. Was that dark silence a portal, Lord God, a door through which I am invited to step into the glorious light and life of You in Your fulness? (I wonder if death is a bit like that, Lord?) Lord, there's a voice on my shoulder (or somewhere thereabouts!) telling me, assuring me, that I'm making too much of this - even that that silence wasn't You at all, but instead... maybe even the enemy, the ruler of darkness. I don't know, Lord. I think it was You, Lord? You, with Your arms spread wide, Your hands stretching out to me - to us - just waiting... for us to step forward, kneel before You, repent and humble ourselves, reach out and grasp Your hands and allow You to pour Your Spirit out upon us, Your glory and Presence to burst forth in glorious light. Maybe? Yes? Lord? Will You give us another chance? Oh dear God, here I am. Take me. Let die to myself and live for You alone. I'm so sorry, Lord. (I still have no adequate words, Lord. I feel as though I am just babbling. Close my mouth, Lord. Let me hear Your voice, Your Spirit, alone. Even my prayers lately have seemed contrived Lord, me trying to say the right words... and failing of course... Forgive me, Father. Cleanse me. Empty me of myself and fill me with You alone. Please, Jesus. Amen.) Return to the top Resentment, Grief, Loss...Dying and Death Date: August 27, 2006 You know I have been perhaps overwhelmed or perhaps just selfish in relation to the situation with my dad's cancer. You know I feel sorry for myself and every resent his "intrustion" into my carefully planned ("my" plan!) summer schedule. Yes, old resentments do surface, and yes, I get "influenced" by ____'s frustrations and all, and obviously I am no "Mother Theresa" - indeed, I am being totally (well, mostly, anyway) decidedly "unsaintly" about all this. I do "want out" of the responsibility. I like cleaning up and reorganizing my place to get my "new couch" and hutch and other nice things, but still I resent the "intrusion" on "my life." I know I'm being selfish. And I'm kind of sorry - a bit - maybe "guilty" is more accurate - but to be honest, I'm not really very sorry at all. Terrible, eh? Yeah, I guess so, okay, I know so. So why are You being so kind to me in spite of it all? Why are You helping me do my "A-Z" stories. Writing these stories seem to me have turned out to be another different form of journaling, and have even provided a way for me to work through some of my ambivalences in regard to my past (and present) relationship to my dad. I don't know, but the way I'm acting - especially the complaining I do behind his back to too many people - is really not loving or Christian at all - and I certainly have not been turning it all over to You the way I should - not hardly at all. So why don't I feel more "repentant" or "sorrowful" about it all - yes, about my reaction and behaviour, of course, but even about the thought of losing my dad to cancer (not to mention losing my mom to dementia)? I don't know much about the stages of loss and grief. Is this "normal"? Am I in denial or something? Maybe You just know what I'm going through, and You're being loving and patient with me. But I don't want to be un-Christian, un-loving, disobedient to Your will. At the same time, maybe I'd just rather this were all over. Can You please help me work through all this? Can You please - yes, forgive me - please? - and put Your Spirit upon me and lead me in Your way, making Your thoughts to be my thoughts, renewing my mind, spirit, emotions, even my drained physical strength (bad food, lack of exercise, feeling sad, tired, not too happy...) Thank You for caring and answering! Praise Your Name! .... You've also been inspiring me with thoughts of how to "teach Christianly" this fall - but Lord, my spirit needs to be right with You, or all the inspiring ideas won't help at all. Please help me, Lord. Thank You. Amen! I love You, Lord! (Please forgive me. Thanks). Return to the top Is It Normal to Feel This Way When Your Dad is Dying Date:August 29,2006 I want to know if it is normal to feel the way I feel. Is it normal not to cry, and to feel annoyed or at least uncomfortable when others cry too much? Is it normal to "want out" of helping and caretaking and stuff? Is it normal to wish it was over already (because I am feeling like that a lot...)? Is it normal to be angry at the person or at least the inconvenience they are being to your "life"? Am I being a "bad person"? Is it normal to feel kind of guilty, and yet not feel guilty at the same time even though you know you're not being very caring or whatever? Is it normal to want to just get on with normal life? Is it normal to feel empty and feel like you're holding your breath and like you're going to run out of breath before it finally happens? Is it normal to want someone to come along and take over so you don't have to do it anymore? Is it normal to feel like it is just too much to already be losing your mom (who you always had a really close relationship with) to dementia, and then have your dad dying too (who you didn't have such a great relationship with, which was probably your fault more than his, or whatever)? Is if normal to be really scared that he might die in your house under your care, and not know what to do? Is it bad not to be a "Mother Theresa" kind of person, but instead as time keeps going on to come to dislike waiting on him, cleaning up after him, caring for his sickness (though it didn't bother you to look after your 5 kids all those years)? Am I being a "bad Christian" because I'm not being loving like Jesus would have been? Is it normal to be too tired to eat right and exercise properly and such? Is it bad to be afraid that he'll get the miracle he is praying for? and then what if he did? Would he have to stay with me indefinitely because we've packed up all his stuff? Would I have to keep taking him to see mom indefinitely maybe for years? Would I have to go through all this all over again? Is it normal to be uncomfortable to see him and mom being all smoochy and lovey-dovey when they visit? Is it bad to wish he'd stop being so emotional (weepy, saying how sick he is, etc) around mom because she's already suffering enough and I don't want her to be upset or hurt? What happens when he does die? Should she be told? Should she be brought to the funeral? Is it normal to wish he'd be happy to be going to heaven and seeing the Lord he loves, instead of being all sad about leaving a world that isn't so great anyway? Is it normal to want to dump all these thoughts and questions on someone and hope they'll be able to just take them away, because I "feel" like there aren't any pat answers, so I'd just like it to be over and done with? Am I going to feel guilty for ever after all this? And know I deserve it for my bad attitudes and behaviours? Is it normal to feel like I'm kind of slowly going wrong? But not feel depressed or even very guilty, just kind of empty and wanting it to all go away, and things to go back to normal..... August 30, 2006 Lord, today a man went into the Penticton Hospital and shot his wife who was a patient there, then shot himself. Oh dear God, please be with their families.... I don't know what to pray. Oh God, help this crazy world, I pray! You must really hurt when you see how we are destroying ourselves with our "love" of evil. Oh Lord, please forgive us and have mercy on us. Lord, please call us, draw us by Your Spirit. Oh do. Your work and Your will, dear Lord God. Return to the top
Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family


	Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family
Sign Guestbook \| View Guestbook Comments? Questions? [email protected]	Prayer topics Forgiving and Repenting - Your Ways, Not Ours Are You Desiring to Shake Up and Purify Your Church, Lord? And Our Nation, Lord? An Awful, Awe-ful Silence...Oh Lord, Help Us Repent, Humble Ourselves...And Step Into Your Glorious Light, Life, Fulness Resentment, Grief, Loss - Dying and Death Glimpses of Eternal Light and Glory and Joy - And Jesus! Is It Normal To Feel This Way When Your Dad is Dying? Forgiving and Repenting - Your Ways, Not Ours Date: August 11, 2006 There are a few things I've been pondering, and I think they are from You. One is the "internal" resume submitted to the Pastoral Search Team re the senior pastor position. The team seemed unanimous that this candidate (and other internal applicants) were not suitable because of "history" relating to internal hurts and "differences" and "baggage" and incidents in the past... and the "need" to have someone from outside who would be mature and experienced, and, I guess, more objective and all. And that seemed, to me at the time, to make "sense" even though my heart was not settled on it or even my head, but I just put it down to my "unfocused" condition. But now I am wondering if that is more of a "worldly" response... and if perhaps indeed, what You really want is for us all to really, truly, get down on our faces before You and repent of our differences and forgive people for our "hurts" and repent of our bad attitudes and grudges and "expectations" and stuff... and really, truly fast and pray and seek Your will and plan rather than our way of "logical" (or whatever) thinking. We seem to have a lot of "problems" that really cannot be solved, I don't think, by a man, no matter how godly and mature and experienced he may be. It seems to me like our "problems" at root are problems in our relationships - including my relationship - individually and corporately with You, with the family of God, within our own families, with the world and those in it... Oh dear God, what is it You are saying to us? I want to hear Your voice, Lord... Return to the top Are You Desiring to Shake Up and Purify Your Church, Lord? Date: August 12, 2006 I have been wondering if maybe the fact that there is no money for "renovations" to create classrooms for "children's chuch" is from the Lord: maybe He doesn't want us tied into that age-segregated system of the world, which the church has bought into. Oh Lord, what are You doing here? Are You desiring to shake up and purify Your church? (Oh Lord, let it all be You - not me. Please, if this is from me - at all - stamp out and destroy all that is me. Yes, Lord, destroy/remove completely "me" if I am causing a wrong direction. Take me out, please, whatever that means! Thank You! (Hard to say that...) Oh dear God, bring Your people - all Your people, including Your First Nations people - (Lord, I believe this is Your voice speaking to me) - to deep and total repentance and turning totally to You and begging for the filling of Your Spirit, that our land may be healed!!! (2 Chronicles 7:14). Help us to humble ourselves, to cast away "our" great (worldly, man-made, selfish, "successful") ideas, and make ourselves barren and empty and naked before You, for only then can You clothe us in Your righteousness and fill us and overflow us by the filling and working and guiding of Your Holy Spirit. Only then can we be filled with, and flow out into the world, the love and compassions and mercy and care and goodness and peace and patience and gentleness and joy of the Lord! Oh Lord, oh that we would be obedient and open and faithful to You and Your Spirit, accepting You, opening every crack and crevice of our being to Your light and life, allowing You to scrape out every wisp of darkness and shadow of evil. Drive out the enemy, Lord, from our midst; keep us alert, Lord; help us resist him in every area, in every way, and then he will flee! Oh Lord, help us to arm ourselves with the helmet of salvation, the breastplate of righteousness, the shield of faith, the sword of the Spirit which is the Word of God, the belt of truth, and our feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace, that we may be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil. Help us, oh help us, dear God! to resist the rulers, the powers, the world forces of darkness, the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places! Help us to pray and petition You at all time in the Spirit, aler and persevering for all the saints, and make us bold - make me bold, Lord - to make known, to be an ambassador of, to proclaim, to speak boldly, the mystery of the gospel - no matter how people may react or what they may try to do to "shut me down"! Thank You, Lord! (Ephesians 6). Return to the top And Our Nation, Lord? Date: August 13, 2006 Ezekial 9:4-7 Lord, Is this how You are feeling about our nation? Every day You make my heart more sick to see where our nation - and our world - is going. How can You stand it, Lord? I know Your mercies are great, but I also know You are jealous and feel great anger when Your people turn from You and take up the ways of the world. And I fear that we have gone so far -- to far -- in that direction, not even seeing our descent into the evil ways of the world. Oh dear God, wake us up, draw us to Yourself, before it is too late. Thank You, Lord. Return to the top An Aweful, Awe-ful Silence...Oh Lord, Help Us Repent, Humble Ourselves...And Step Into Your Glorious Light, Life, Fulness Date: August 15, 2006 Lord, at the end of the meeting last night I shared 2 Chronicles 7:14 and expressed my great concern and desire - which I know You have laid on my heart - for our church to really start praying, together, often, in deep repentance and seeking Your face, in deep humility before You, so that You will answer and forgive us and heal our land - starting with healing ourselves, as believers and members of Your body. (Lord, I am terrified to move on in the "Pastoral search" until we as a body and a team have together reached this point of total repentance and humility and submission and obedience to You and Your Word, and are all under the full control of Your Spirit. Oh Lord, please do not let us "move forward" in our own ways, no matter how reasonable they may seem to us or how enticing a solution they may seem to be when we face pressure by church members - individuals or even the majority! - to get on with the "process" of "appointing a senior pastor!") After I spoke my concern and read the scripture, there was a long, total silence. I have never experienced a silence that complete. Lord, it was, well, "heavy" and terribly still and "black-dark." It was like no one could move, like there were no words that could fill it. Lord God, it was, to be honest, frightening - in a sense perhaps of "awe-full-ness." Yes, it was an awful - and awe-ful - silence. (Finally one lady "broke" it with a kind of nervous comment about "Well, that was good" or words to that effect). Even the "breaking," while providing a sense of almost giddy, nervous, even giggly relief, had a razor-sharp kind of edge to it, a shattering of something that we perhaps did not understand and that made us - or me, at least - startled and uncomfortable, and even wanting to escape, yet at the same time amazed, and feeling a fearful expectation, and wondering and wanting to see what would come next. Lord, I don't know what happened there. I've felt heavy darkness before, oppressive darkness... but this wasn't the same. There was almost a crystal clear darkness in that silence, a sense of breath-holding, a feeling that one dare not move or breathe. If we had waited long enough, would we have heard Your still, small voice? What was happening there? What were You doing? Lord, afterwards I wished I had just slipped off my chair, onto my face, and cried out to You right then and there in deep repentance and humility of heart, and great desire to see Your Spirit pour out upon us. Is that the opportunity You were offering? Did we miss out on something great from You? Are You just waiting and longing for just one person - even me? especially me? - to step out and lead the way? You know, Father God, the emptiness I have been feeling, the certainty that there is still great sin in my life that needs confessing and casting away (although I have not been able to define what it is) - a sense of being dry and empty and separated from You, a great conviction that You have so much more You want to give me - and yet a frustration, even fear, of not knowing how to take that next step. Was that dark silence a portal, Lord God, a door through which I am invited to step into the glorious light and life of You in Your fulness? (I wonder if death is a bit like that, Lord?) Lord, there's a voice on my shoulder (or somewhere thereabouts!) telling me, assuring me, that I'm making too much of this - even that that silence wasn't You at all, but instead... maybe even the enemy, the ruler of darkness. I don't know, Lord. I think it was You, Lord? You, with Your arms spread wide, Your hands stretching out to me - to us - just waiting... for us to step forward, kneel before You, repent and humble ourselves, reach out and grasp Your hands and allow You to pour Your Spirit out upon us, Your glory and Presence to burst forth in glorious light. Maybe? Yes? Lord? Will You give us another chance? Oh dear God, here I am. Take me. Let die to myself and live for You alone. I'm so sorry, Lord. (I still have no adequate words, Lord. I feel as though I am just babbling. Close my mouth, Lord. Let me hear Your voice, Your Spirit, alone. Even my prayers lately have seemed contrived Lord, me trying to say the right words... and failing of course... Forgive me, Father. Cleanse me. Empty me of myself and fill me with You alone. Please, Jesus. Amen.) Return to the top Resentment, Grief, Loss...Dying and Death Date: August 27, 2006 You know I have been perhaps overwhelmed or perhaps just selfish in relation to the situation with my dad's cancer. You know I feel sorry for myself and every resent his "intrustion" into my carefully planned ("my" plan!) summer schedule. Yes, old resentments do surface, and yes, I get "influenced" by ____'s frustrations and all, and obviously I am no "Mother Theresa" - indeed, I am being totally (well, mostly, anyway) decidedly "unsaintly" about all this. I do "want out" of the responsibility. I like cleaning up and reorganizing my place to get my "new couch" and hutch and other nice things, but still I resent the "intrusion" on "my life." I know I'm being selfish. And I'm kind of sorry - a bit - maybe "guilty" is more accurate - but to be honest, I'm not really very sorry at all. Terrible, eh? Yeah, I guess so, okay, I know so. So why are You being so kind to me in spite of it all? Why are You helping me do my "A-Z" stories. Writing these stories seem to me have turned out to be another different form of journaling, and have even provided a way for me to work through some of my ambivalences in regard to my past (and present) relationship to my dad. I don't know, but the way I'm acting - especially the complaining I do behind his back to too many people - is really not loving or Christian at all - and I certainly have not been turning it all over to You the way I should - not hardly at all. So why don't I feel more "repentant" or "sorrowful" about it all - yes, about my reaction and behaviour, of course, but even about the thought of losing my dad to cancer (not to mention losing my mom to dementia)? I don't know much about the stages of loss and grief. Is this "normal"? Am I in denial or something? Maybe You just know what I'm going through, and You're being loving and patient with me. But I don't want to be un-Christian, un-loving, disobedient to Your will. At the same time, maybe I'd just rather this were all over. Can You please help me work through all this? Can You please - yes, forgive me - please? - and put Your Spirit upon me and lead me in Your way, making Your thoughts to be my thoughts, renewing my mind, spirit, emotions, even my drained physical strength (bad food, lack of exercise, feeling sad, tired, not too happy...) Thank You for caring and answering! Praise Your Name! .... You've also been inspiring me with thoughts of how to "teach Christianly" this fall - but Lord, my spirit needs to be right with You, or all the inspiring ideas won't help at all. Please help me, Lord. Thank You. Amen! I love You, Lord! (Please forgive me. Thanks). Return to the top Is It Normal to Feel This Way When Your Dad is Dying Date:August 29,2006 I want to know if it is normal to feel the way I feel. Is it normal not to cry, and to feel annoyed or at least uncomfortable when others cry too much? Is it normal to "want out" of helping and caretaking and stuff? Is it normal to wish it was over already (because I am feeling like that a lot...)? Is it normal to be angry at the person or at least the inconvenience they are being to your "life"? Am I being a "bad person"? Is it normal to feel kind of guilty, and yet not feel guilty at the same time even though you know you're not being very caring or whatever? Is it normal to want to just get on with normal life? Is it normal to feel empty and feel like you're holding your breath and like you're going to run out of breath before it finally happens? Is it normal to want someone to come along and take over so you don't have to do it anymore? Is it normal to feel like it is just too much to already be losing your mom (who you always had a really close relationship with) to dementia, and then have your dad dying too (who you didn't have such a great relationship with, which was probably your fault more than his, or whatever)? Is if normal to be really scared that he might die in your house under your care, and not know what to do? Is it bad not to be a "Mother Theresa" kind of person, but instead as time keeps going on to come to dislike waiting on him, cleaning up after him, caring for his sickness (though it didn't bother you to look after your 5 kids all those years)? Am I being a "bad Christian" because I'm not being loving like Jesus would have been? Is it normal to be too tired to eat right and exercise properly and such? Is it bad to be afraid that he'll get the miracle he is praying for? and then what if he did? Would he have to stay with me indefinitely because we've packed up all his stuff? Would I have to keep taking him to see mom indefinitely maybe for years? Would I have to go through all this all over again? Is it normal to be uncomfortable to see him and mom being all smoochy and lovey-dovey when they visit? Is it bad to wish he'd stop being so emotional (weepy, saying how sick he is, etc) around mom because she's already suffering enough and I don't want her to be upset or hurt? What happens when he does die? Should she be told? Should she be brought to the funeral? Is it normal to wish he'd be happy to be going to heaven and seeing the Lord he loves, instead of being all sad about leaving a world that isn't so great anyway? Is it normal to want to dump all these thoughts and questions on someone and hope they'll be able to just take them away, because I "feel" like there aren't any pat answers, so I'd just like it to be over and done with? Am I going to feel guilty for ever after all this? And know I deserve it for my bad attitudes and behaviours? Is it normal to feel like I'm kind of slowly going wrong? But not feel depressed or even very guilty, just kind of empty and wanting it to all go away, and things to go back to normal..... August 30, 2006 Lord, today a man went into the Penticton Hospital and shot his wife who was a patient there, then shot himself. Oh dear God, please be with their families.... I don't know what to pray. Oh God, help this crazy world, I pray! You must really hurt when you see how we are destroying ourselves with our "love" of evil. Oh Lord, please forgive us and have mercy on us. Lord, please call us, draw us by Your Spirit. Oh do. Your work and Your will, dear Lord God. Return to the top
Main Page \| My Articles for The Life Connection \| Prayers and Meditations \| Poetry Haida Gwaii Reflections \| Education & Home-School \| Family