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I Want To Break Through!
"What If's" : Pride, Rebellion, Discontent
Your Wisdom Only, Lord

I Want to Break Through!
Date: March 12, 2007

I've been having the same general dream(s) night after night -- can't remember the details in the morning -- but I'm trying and trying to figure something out -- and I can always figure it to a point -- but then I can't seem to "break through." Well, I guess that's true in my life, too -- feeling I've run into a "spiritual block" (not to mention the things in life I have no control over -- and though I have given them to You, Lord, the old "me" (what about the new "me" -- am I still holding back without realizing it? maybe... please help me, Lord, to keep giving up, more and more, as You show me my needs in this area -- and all areas) anyway I feel often "impatient" and/or "frustrated" for things to be worked out by You, like my family's schooling and unhappiness and spiritual (and otherwise) lives -- and my own life -- and hopes, too, I suppose. I am open to You doing what You want (yes, Lord, even if it means the loss of my dreams....)

Is that a block in my life? Have I really not "given up" my will? Maybe just driven it underground so now it tries to solve things in my sleep?

If it is, Lord, please make it real for me. Please change me. Please take away even my dreams of my dreams.

........

Dear Father, yesterday I felt I must pray with _____. He was "down in the dumps" Lord -- and "doubting that You even exist." But still, he was there at church. You are in control. But Lord, when I prayed, it was a kind of sharp, demanding prayer -- for him to let go. Was it from You -- or from me. There was such a sense of urgency in me. Oh dear God, I need to be sure of Your Spirit's leading. I don't want to "operate in the flesh", which, as I recall, I was doing a lot in the past. You were showing me things, yes, but I was turning around and trying to fix them, deal with things, push them down other peoples' throats without love and sensitivity to Your Spirit's leading. I think I have come another step or two since then, because as I read through my journals I find more understandings You have given to me, and for the most part I have just made note of them, even prayed about them -- but then more like "sat on them" and told no one or just the very odd person who I felt might have the spiritual maturity to take it, consider it, hear it maybe without huge offense. But in that, there is fear of saying/doing the wrong thing. I still dn't have that connection with Your Spirit to know for sure what is from You (though I am getting a clearer sense, knowledge) and when to speak it to others.

Guess I want a break-through, so all at once and forever, I'll just "be there" and "always know" instantly. But it seems like these "instantaneous moments" are not Your way for me most of the time (or, really, for most if not all people!) Process!!! (And yes, I see I'm still impatient! I want things -- good, Godly things, as I see them -- fixed now! But even then it seems that if I'm in such a hurry, "I" am doing the desiring (maybe even the desires are still mind) and I am still, at some really deep rooted point, wanting to be in control.

Day before yesterday -- or even yesterday before that missionary talked to me -- I would have though I really had given up all -- at least all that I was aware of (and I guess in a sense I had, but I also guess that I was aware of thinking that I was doing pretty well -- proud of my success in "giving up," thinking what a good example I am in that area -- and thinking that really, I surely can't have too far to go! I was having little niggling concerns about my pride -- especially in the singing at church, but in other areas too -- but was finding it pretty easy to ignore.

Now I can't ignore it. You have just made it too clear -- right now, here, even as I write. (Which You do to me, over and over!)

Now I have to say, "I'm sorry" again!

And Lord, I am sorry. I do want Your forgiveness, I do ask for it now. I do want to walk ever closer to You. I do want to be "doing the works of the Father" -- only! I do want to be growing in You, through the control and guidance, care and spiritual growth of Your Holy Spirit. I do want Jesus as my Lord and Kind and Saviour and Creator! I do want to love You, Jesus! I do want to walk with You! I do want to honour and glorify Your Father. I do want to be the person, the child, You created me to be. I do want to live a life with totally You in me -- "Christ in me! The hope of my salvation!" I do want to be totally obedient and trusting and submissive (yes, to my husband, too, and church leadership -- whoever You place in headship, Godly authority - Godly because You instituted it, Godly spiritually...

Oh dear Heavenly Father, dear Jesus Christ my Lord and King and Saviour, dear Holy Spirit my guide and comforter and fullness of Christ in me and the Father in me -- my God Almighty! You know my heart. Far better than I myself in my narrow human blindness and self-centeredness and hard-heartedness.

Oh dear God, please pour out Your Spirit on me right now! Change me, transform me, please make me like Jesus -- make me into Jesus Christ in me, reflecting You to a host and hungry and cold and heartsick world that needs You. Oh dear God, bring the world to Yourself. Build Your kingdom, let it come in Your fulness and completeness. Bring many souls -- multitudes -- to Yourself! "That none would perish but all come to repentance" as You desire. Oh Lord, please put that desire deep -- to the very root ends! -- in my heart too, dear Lord.

Bring myself, my family, my church, my circle of people (friends, relatives, coworkers, students, neighbours... and my community, region, province, nation, continent, world to Yourself -- please, I pray, in Jesus' name!

amen! Thank You, Lord.

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"What If's": Pride, Rebellion, Discontent
Date: March 12, 2007

What if???

What if my kids' problems are really mine? What if all my kids have problems because of me?

What if I've been wicked and rebellious, and passed it on to my kids? What if home schooling was really all about me? And just appealed to my rebelliousness?

I could say (I almost started to) that I am really only rebellious against the world's ways and systems, because deep inside I've been searching for Your purposes all along...) but is that true? Do I really even want Your ways?

Did I damage my kids with my talking with all the "alternative" (rebellious?) people I like, who appeal to me, with their ideas and their refusal to accept the status quo... even in "spiritual" areas they don't accept the "status quo"... at least not the "religious systems" and stuff... and I have thought -- I think that these people really love You... but do they? Do I???... with all my talk about the damage the "system" causes, and my reading aloud from anti-school, pro-alternatie education forms and materials?

Does it have to do with my big worry about "teaching Christianly" and about the way Christian schools are tied into the public "system"?

What about even the way I dress? And the way I don't like dentists and their continuous nagging to make sure you have perfect-smile teeth (and expensive orthodontist bills). And the way I want to "live simply" ... Is that the reason "being a missionary" appeals to me? And my long-time dream of "intentional communities"? Am I really just a "left-over hippy" who never got it out of my system? Am I really just plain, simple, downright rebellious?

24 hours ago, before I talked to that missionary, I was quite happy and content about "where I am" and "how I am progressing in You."

Now... I feel awful. Hopeless. Selfish. Rebellious. Weak. Stricken with pride.

Twice now, at the 2 inter-church prayer meetings I have attended, people have prayed that I would re-experience Your joy. Am I that negative??

I don't want to go to school (work) either. I want to hide my head under the blankets. I don't want to go out and face the world. Maybe it's true... Maybe I do just want "a $3 bag of You, God." The whole "warmth of the womb" thing...

I've prided myself on being rebellious. On seeing what others do not see. On not being content with the way things are.

Years ago, someone wrote down, in the front of my Bible, that verse, "Godliness with contentment is great gain." And to be truthful, I've never really been able to "get" that. I've thought I was a "good, content" kind of person (!) because I don't have huge material desires and stuff. But maybe that's not the point at all...

I do long to be "Godly.' I'm not content where I am. Is that a bad thing? Or is the problem with my pride in my discontent!?!? I've seen it as something that makes me special, makes me more "perceptive" to the way things (including myself) really are, that somehow leads to making me "more spiritual" -- yes, even "prophetic" -- than other folks...

Do other people think things like this?

God, I want to be Godly. I want to be Christ-like. I want to fulfill Your purposes...

Or -- is it that I want to have a purpose? And in that way, be recognized?

I've always been "proud of my kids"... writing in the Christmas letters how great they are doing... I thought you're supposed to do that to make them feel good about themselves (but maybe it was more about me feeling good about my slef, and my "mother of the year" ability -- as someone told me -- and yes, I prided myself on -- and so maybe... was I just putting my kids under huge pressure to live up to my expectations?

Is this all just more self-centered introspection? Should I just stop thinking about myself? Or are You answering the missionary guy's prayer about my blockage? Are You answering my prayers for You to change me (even though, as I already know, I didn't really know what needed changing?) I was afraid, in a sense, to pray that, because I was, yes, afraid of what You might take me through to make me see the truth about myself -- because that has been scary in the past, and tough to go through -- but maybe, too, I didn't realize it but I was scared to find out the truth about me... and if these things I have been writing here this morning are the truth... I had a right to be afraid... of me!

Lord, I want to be loving, like Jesus!

Lord, I don't want people to have reason to say, "You'll never be like your mom" -- or like You, Lord, for that matter!

I think maybe I've been spending all these years trying to live down that statement... and to change myself. Even to coming to the point of desperation where I knew I couldn't change myself at all no matter how hard I tried... and so I have come to You and said, "Here I am. Please take me. Please change me! Please!"

But I wonder. Was it because I want to really please You -- really love You for Yourself -- and really want to be like You because of You... or, oh dear God, has it been because of me?? Is it still just "me" when it comes right down to it?

Is that the "block"? Or at least part of it?

I do want to please You, Lord... But I see that it has to be because of You. Because of Who You are. Because all glory belongs to You. Because You are all-in-all!

I'm sorry, Lord, that I didn't see the truth about myself. I can't change me. It isn't even about me. It's about You -- in me, through me. No, it doesn't mean losing my individuality -- You created me. You don't do anything "just because" ... capriciously! But still, there has to be transformation -- a new creature. Death before the new life can arise and grow. "A seed falls into the earth and dies." And some seeds take years to start regrowing -- and all require outside factors: good soil, light and warmth, water, nutrients. They cannot do it themselves. And I can't have new life, and become the person You designed, without You!

(And please -- don't let me get proud! Happy about what You are doing, yes -- but not proud! It's all about You, Lord! "You alone are God -- and I surrender to Your will!" Amen!)

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Your Wisdom Only, Lord!
Date: March 13, 2007

Proverbs 1: 20. Wisdom cries aloud... 28. "Then they will call upon Me, but I will not answer; they will seek me diligently, but will not find me. 29. Because they hated knowledge and did not choose the fear of the LORD, 30. and would have none of my counsel, and despised all my reproof, 31. therefore they shall eat the fruit of their way and be sated with their own devices. 32. For the simple are killed by their turning away, and the complacence of fools destroys them: 33. but he who listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of evil."

Oh Lord, please let me record (and print out for others to read) only that which is wisdom from You! May I only speak of You what is right and always choose the fear of the LORD, and listen only to Your counsel, and always accept Your reproof and be changed more and more into Your likeness because of it. Help me to listen only to You, Father God, dear Jesus, Holy Spirit. Thank You, Lord. In Jesus' name, amen.

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