| Are you familiar with my dear friend, mr. Murphy? Then you can go straight on to the wonderful quotes. The rest of you should probably stay with me for a short introduction.
I bet you've tried those advices for inner peace and harmony. You've tried to smile to yourself in the mirror every morning, just to realize that no matter how much you smile in the morning, you still look like a demented old cow. You've tried to greet strangers with a smile, just to receive a suspicious frown in return. You've tried to leave notes in the refrigerator saying "you're a truly wonderful person", which didn't improve your mood at all. They only made you feel totally embarrassed. You've tried everything, from diets to aromatherapy, and ended up feeling sick, either for eating too many oranges or sniffing too much "calming scents". You've tried everything, and you simply haven't turned into the healthy optimist you wanted to be. Time to give in?
Don't worry, here's the answer: Despair.
Get rid of your misery along with that out-dated optimism. Your path to inner peace starts here.
- Patronize someone less fortunate than yourself today!
- Be kind to others, they outnumber you 6 billion to one
- Every hour there are 9700 extra people on earth. Go to bed and ponder your own insignificance
- Life is but a dream, a grotesque and foolish dream (Mark Twain)
- "If there's anything more important than my ego around, I want it caught and shot now." (Douglas Adams)
- The basic fact about human existence is not that it is a tragedy, but that it is a bore. (H.L.Mencken)
- Beauty soon grows familiar to the lover, Fades in his eye, and palls upon the sense. (Joseph Addison)
- Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all. (Woody Allen)
- You are dying a slow, horrible, lingering life.
- Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
- Whenever I date a guy, I think, "Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?" (Rita Rudner)
- When you are feeling down, give a little whistle. It won't make you feel better, but at least it will piss everybody else off.
- Kissing is just a way of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with eachother.
- If you're not the lead dog, you'll always be looking up someone else's arse.
- A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. (H.L.Mencken)
- Always forgive your enemies. They hate that!
- If you can't say something nice, say nothing at all. Just sit in the corner and sneer at everyone.
- When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate eachother.
- All the good ones, no matter what they are, are taken.
- You are what you don't throw up.
- You need to bang your head against a wall for eight hours to burn off the calories in the quarter-pounder you've just eaten.
- God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh (Voltaire)
- There is always time for failure. (John Mortimer)
- It is a sin to believe evil of others, but it is seldom a mistake. (H.L.Mencken)
- Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. (H.L.Mencken)
- Explanations exist; they have existed for all times, for there is always an easy solution to every human problem - neat, plausible, and wrong. (H.L.Mencken)
- Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go. (Oscar Wilde)
Hopefully, you're now leaving this place like the depressed, sorry bastard you are supposed to be.
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