New York Times In Panic Over Jayson Blair Scandal
by Dozr

New York City, NY

Above: Jayson Blair. Accused of fraud, unethical conduct, and actually being Todd Bridges of TV's "Diff'rent Strokes".

Due to a raging scandal involving one of its reporters, the subscription base of the New York Times has virtually cratered. A large number of people, variably estimated to be as many as 90,000 or more likely in the neighborhood of 6, have cancelled their subscriptions to the publication, causing it to drop from its position as Number 2 Paper in the Country to Number 34. Area man Casey Kasem told us "i've seen some dives in the charts, but this is ridiculous. And now for a long-distance dedication to Samantha, from John. It's The Shags, with 'You're Tearing My Fucking Heart Out and Eating It With A Spoon'." Editors have placed the blame squarely on the shoulders of reporter Jayson Blair. Under condition of anonymity, a senior staff member had this to say: "This fuckin' affirmative action, eh?" Another explained to us how Blair was given carte blanche to take as many liberties as he liked with the stories he reported on. "No one that read that stuff was there anyways, so who knew they'd actually figure it out?" While the publication has received criticism from all corners of the journalistic community, it seems that the New York Times has decided to handle this situation as "no harm, no foul" for the time being. NYT Director Arthur Sulzberg, Jr. will be taking no legal actions against the now-resigned Blair, instead concentrating his attentions on the devastation that his former employee has wrought upon the company.

As for Blair, plans are in the works to write a book detailing his experiences. This volume, which currently has a working titled of "I Can't Believe Those Bitches Fired My Black Ass", will most likely be published sometime before Christmas. According to Blair, the intent is to explain the true story of his job at The New York Times. There are expectations that he will bring up allegations of racism and nepotism, among other things. A leaked passage from the book describes how Blair had to "get coffee and donuts for other staff members", sometimes going as far as St. Louis (which he proves by mentioning the fact that there is a large arch-like structure in the city) for these items. The book will be written somewhere in the Amazon Rain Forest and contain many damning quotes from former co-workers. Said Blair: "I think it will do well, but the best- seller list might not reflect that because it's controlled by Nazis."

IN FOCUS
3 Questions With Jayson Blair
Blur

Jayson Blair recently agreed to give a phone interview. Calling from where he claimed to be, front row seats on board the Concorde as it crossed the Atlantic on its way to New York, he discussed his recent actions, while sipping Dom Perignon '67. Curiously there was a total lack of cabin noise but there was what sounded suspiciously like "The Daily Show" in the background.

Blur: What the fuck did you think you were doing?
Blair: I thought I was practicing good journalism. I only read (The Number 1 Paper) and only watch The Daily Show.

Blur: Is this another case of The Man holding back minorities?
Blair: No, this is another case of The Person holding back non-majorities.

Blur: How about them mets?
Blair: Well, the last time I was at Shea Stadium.. I can't do this. I was never at Shea Stadium. I'm such a fraud!

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