AHHHH! People! I am so excited about how absolutely astounding God is to me! Or Awesome,, right Jenni?

      You know what really sucks about being human? Making the same mistakes over and over.  Having to ask God to forgive you for a sin that you've committed 3 times in the past month, and then you find yourself having to ask him again.  After a while you start to look at God and wonder why on earth he would let you be tempted with this sin, after he forgave it for you.  When Repentence Session Number Four rolls along, you feel so dumb about making the mistake that many times that you feel helpless, that God doesn't deserve to have to keep forgiving you this many times because UNDOUBTEDLY you will make the same mistake again, so you begin to accept this sin in your life as a part of who you are.  "If God isn't helping in preventing it, then I might as well stop trying to resist the temptation."  ARGH! Can you tell? This is me since I've arrived here at school.

      The other day during my morning time with God, I knew that I would be, that day, in a situation where my temptation might be present, and I asked God to keep me from temptation and not let me fall again.  Then I asked for some scripture to arm me against that temptation if I needed it, as it was time for me to read from the Gospel of Mark, the book I am currently reading during my quiet time.  I thought I would read a verse like "And Jesus said to Satan,
you have no power over me!" to whip out at my temptation.  But, unfortunately I wasn't reading the book of Jim Henson's LABYRINTH, but rather the Book of Mark, the parable of the lamp and stand, particularly 4:22,  which goes:
For whatever is hidden is meant to be disclosed, and whatever is concealed is meant to be brought out in the open"
     To which I replied in brutal honesty "What the
hell does that have to do with anything?" The passage also said "If anyone has ears to hear, let him hear". I spent the rest of my time that morning asking fervent questions to Jesus, "Hear what? What does the lampstand mean? What is the lamp? What is the stand? What will be revealed?" HA. "My sin? Your light?" So instead of being armed and dangerous against temptation, I was left kind of wounded by all the questioning.  It was quite hard to deal with.  I forgot about my weird God time as soon as I started my day outside the apartment walls--out in the world of temptation.  Sure enough, my temptation was heightened, I gave in, and woke up the next morning feeling so helpless that I thought I could never face God again. 
       I forced myself into repentance which I ended up writing in my prayer journal instead of praying it out loud. I was too ashamed to utter the words from my lips, so I thought God could
read it this time, and maybe it will take the impact away from the fact that it's the FOURTH time I've repented about this sin in two weeks. Then I took a two hour nap, did homework, and the next thing you know I'm talking to my friend Lisa and flipping out about how God isn't keeping me from temptation, how I'm a terrible girl, and how my temptation get's heightened each time.  I told her that I knew that it was my fault that I was going through this, because if I hadn't givenin the first time, it would have been easier to avoid the following times. And then Jesus said (through Lisa):
    Lisa: What would you say is the biggest lesson you learned last year in Ann Arbor?
    Nora: That theater can turn on me as quick as lightening, so putting it over God, who will never turn on              me, is dangerous
    Lisa: There is going to be one big thing you learn about Jesus this year, too, and maybe all this drama                plays into that.-- Today at NWF your uncle Tom talked about how "All knowledge in God is                     hidden in Jesus" and of course we asked "Why is it hidden?" and he quoted CS Lewis "When the               author steps out on stage the play is over" and I don't know, that clinched for me. It's not time                YET for all things to be revealed."

      And let me tell you, I just FLIPPED OUT.  Again, with God on your side, the only ending possible is a happy one.  I am in a battle right now, and God didn't reveal  the details of how He will win this particular battle for me, but He did tell me what the result will be at the end "That Christ will be revealed." So, naturally I let Lisa know God used her to speak to me and she went off to sleep as I sit here writing to you.

     Maybe you can't relate to this at all. Maybe you overcome sin by sin and don't return to it. I envy you. But let this pile of thoughts in paragraph form encourage you that Honest Questioning is Good! That God really does reveal answers to our questions,  and that he really does want us to understand him and have ears to hear him. Here's the verse my uncle taught on, (I think):

   "My purpose is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have full riches of complete understanding,
in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, CHRIST, in  whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge." ~Colossians 2:2
And the mystery of your love for me
Is not as hidden as it used to be.
I should have known when you said
"Seek and ye shall find"
It was right here all the time.
Nichole Nordeman
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