Maybe someday we will see the truth
and the truth will rise above the feign notions:
right and wrong, good and bad, happy and sad
success, stability, the way things are supposed to be.
Joy comes through pain.
Tears become rain.
~
Seth Bernard, "Seeding the Clouds"
12/10/01
      Those lyrics are similar to my Mother's song called "Clouds."  There is a line that speaks to me that goes "Without clouds there's no rain, without rain no life: see Him in strife."  My friend Seth and my mother have the same idea--and God has shown me plenty of Truth in the clouds this semester.  Let me explain:

       This summer I went through a period of bliss.  I felt happy, secure, and content for almost 3 months straight with very little pain.  I had everything I needed, and it felt so good!  Most of all I had this clear sense that God wanted me in His kingdom, and nothing I did could change that. I still believe that, but I believe it in a stronger way now.  You see,  I measured God's love for me by "feign notions" of how good things were going for me. Amongst God's blessings I had the Shakespeare Festival, a car, a guitar, a car, respect from my peers while returning to school, a car, I was happy I was single, and I had a car!  I had a car to take to my Grandma's, to go home to church in, and to make short the walk to campus when I needed to get things done faster.  I had everything I wanted along with the feign notion that nothing goes bad when I have God. That I was predestined and that's all there is to it.  Responsibility? HA. What's that?

       One cloudy saturday morning I woke up with a jerk. I had a vivid nightmare that I was driving my precious car and as I was making a left turn and I didn't look fast enough. Before I knew it, I was under a moving semi-truck and just as the back wheels were gonna finish me off, I awoke, shaking. I explained the dream to all of my roomates. I was afraid to drive, but I had to meet my friend Terry on Campus to pick up some monologues for an audition and I was running late, so I prayed at the wheel for protection and took the car to the Frieze Building--shaving 10 minutes off of what would be a 15 minute walk.  I told Terry about my dream and she said "Nora, be careful when you're driving," and I responded naively, "Oh you don't need to worry about me! I got Jesus. No fear."  She said "
Well, Trust in God but don't forget to tie your camel to the stump." Huh? She explained: BE CAREFUL.
       I chuckled it off and after our delightful conversation I headed home to stop before I went to visit my Grandma.  Well, as I was making a left turn, a car came out of what seemed to be no where. I didn't look. While neither of us car-happy college students were hurt, I totaled my car. 
I learned the hard way that I have to trust God and tie my camel to the stump: That I had to be careful, even though I trusted in God.
       But it didn't make sense! I lost a huge part of my trust in God that afternoon.  The rest of the semester was rough. I didn't have that same security blanket I was used to and it became very hard to make decisions. Nothing seemed right or wrong anymore.  If God didn't want certain things to be a part of my life, it was much more obvious before the car accident.  Of course, then I couldn't make that connection.  I just saw that my spirituality had split. I couldn't even admit that I lost Trust in God until a few nights ago, my friend Ann pointed it out to me over the phone while I was fretting over one battle or another.  We traced my battle back to the car accident. It was so clear to me--that all my trials were connected to this loss of trust that I experienced.  But I just couldn't see why I lost the trust.
          "Do you blame yourself or God for the car accident?!" Ann asked me (frustrated because I was giving her such a hard time, going back and forth about what was right and wrong). I wasn't sure.  "Myself," I concluded.  "
Did you ever hear the phrase, Trust God but don't forget to lock your car?" she asked.  Sound familiar? Ding Ding Ding! That was it: I couldn't grapple with the fact that God didn't protect me from a car accident that would eventually set me back further away from Him spiritually than I was before. I thought His great pleasure was to give me the Kingdom! Why would He let me do such a thing that would tear me away from the kingdom?
    I was shocked that that such similar advise to Terry's came up in that conversation. I took it as a sign from God. So I went to bed that night with a bit more truth, but the same amount of pain.  The "rain" came a few days later
:
  

        Battles continued and was in a rut. I was trying to sort a problem out that I was having with a friend from the theater department.  Finally we got to the question, "What does Nora want?" and it hit me! Who cares what I want? All that matters is what God wants, and I had lost sense of that when I lost my connection to God the day of the car accident. "God doesn't want anything," my friend tried to tell me. "God wants me to be close to Him!" I remembered. "It is His great pleasure to give me the kingdom." He started asking questions, to which I answered:
        "Does God know what you're going to do before you do it?"
Yes, which makes His love greater--because He lets me do it anyway
         "
So why do you worry about making choices so much?"
You're right, I shouldn't. Because no choice I make is bigger than what God has planned for me.
          "Do you think God knows whether you're going to Heaven or Hell or not? Even if you don't die for a hundred more years?"
I know He wants me there, that's all that matters to me... I know He is the truth and I have to trust Him, no matter what happens to me"
          
     
My poor friend was so confused.  "I didn't ask for a sermon" was all he could say. (Though I'm not sure what he was asking for). He saw my answers as cliche's, which they are, I'll admit.  But I guess even cliche's are the truth sometimes. I now have more peace than I have had since that car accident.  I now know how to Trust Him more: I know that I have responsibility to be careful in this world.  And even though I was irresponsible, He never stopped wanting to give me the kingdom.

      So I have seen a bit of what my friend Seth asks for in his song. I have had God's truth rise above all the feign notions I've faced.  Tears became rain. So if none of this entry makes any sense to you, like it didn't make any sense to my theater bud, then just know this: Joy comes through pain. Tears become rain.
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