"Don't nobody know my troubles but God"
~Moby (Natural Blues)

            The first time I heard that God knows me personally--as in, "knows everything about me"--was probably in NWF (North West Fellowship) Sunday School.  I remember being so astounded that He knew the number of  hairs on my head that I tried to count them myself.  Anyone who has seen me knows that I have a lot of hair, so needless to say, I didn't finish counting (my hair was straight then! Can you believe it?), I gave up somewhere around number 25 and just accepted the fact that if God really knows how many hairs I have, He must be pretty darn smart.
              Since then, I must have been told 100x that God knows me and loves me.  I've heard it so much that it just hasn't meant a whole lot.  Those words should be really comforting, but when my days seem normal and my life seems "okay," they don't exactly strike me in any particular way. The fact that Jesus knows me and what's going on in my head just
is, and I don't think about it much.

             Lately I've noticed that I don't really know that much about myself.   I've noticed that I am not stable at all.  I've realised that everything I've ever wanted me to be, I am just not capable of. I want to be level-headed. I want to be logical and not emotional. I want to have plans and carry them out and not let anything get in my way. But I can't do those things and it's so frustrating!   
               I feel like my mind changes about everything all the time.  When I'm with one group of friends, my mannerisms and language both change from when I am with another group. It seems so dishonest. Recently after a pretty intense disagreement with a friend, he pleaded,  "I just don't know how to be your friend.  Please, just try to be honest with me."  I broke down at those words; I was so upset at that request.  I realised that couldn't tell anyone how to be my friend, and on top of that, I knew so very little about myself that it was next to impossible for me to be honest with anyone.  (This is pretty intense stuff, isn't it?)  My feelings seem to just take over so much, that sometimes  I can't even tell what is true and what is just a "phase."   But then the thought occured to me: Jesus knows what is true.  He knows ME.  He knows how to be honest when I don't because He is the Truth.

               There is so much about my own life I don't know and that freaks me out.  Even so, God knows a million things about me that I don't, including the amount of hairs I have on my head.  Does it matter that I don't know the amount of hairs on my head?  Well, as long as I'm not bald* -- that wouldn't be too good for the acting career--I couldn't really care less about the exact number.  My point is, God hasn't revealed to me everything He knows about me, similar to how He hasn't revealed everything to us about a million other mysteries of His (see my entry called "So Much Left to Know").
              Last year around April I heared this great teaching from Luke 7**, when Jesus speaks about John the Baptist to the crowd, while John is in jail (about to be beheaded... I hope I'm write about that... I can't remember).  Jesus says "I tell you, among those born of women there is no man greater than John..." (Vs.28) It was pointed out to us that Jesus didn't say those words in John's presence.  Did John ever know how great he was? The scripture doesn't say, but the point of the teaching  (one of the many points :P) was that God doesn't always tell us everything he knows about us.
           The world tells us that self awareness is the key to success, which may be true, but we as "followers of the Way" (that was directed to Ralph Morrison, bless his heart) know that "Jesus awareness" is the key to eternal life and that is worth so much more than the success that earthly awareness brings to us.  Being aware of Jesus and His love for us helps us to
trust Him more. Being aware of Jesus means that we trust that He knows us more than we know ourselves, and that because He knows us better, He knows what we need better than we do.  John the Baptist may not have been "self aware" of how special he was to Jesus, and he ended up in jail and eventually headless, but  he was aware of was greatness of Jesus as the Messiah, and that his purpose in this world was to serve Jesus by paving the way for His light.
           So, I am a wishy washy person and I admit it. Some days I have all the answers and some days I don't.  Some days I can count my troubles using all my fingers and toes and some days I feel like I've never had real troubles. I have real troubles, I just don't know them, because "don't nobody know my troubles but God." God hasn't revealed to me exactly who I am; He hasn't given me complete self awareness. But He has made me aware of His Son and that is worth more than all the worldy success that self awareness has to offer.

* Sorry to all readers with less hair... especially my wonderful father. But hey Daddy--even you still have too many to count ;)
**Clifford Buckingham's teaching, on Paula Czapski's birthday to be exact. I know the foot notes are annoying, but I just love typing "Clifford Buckigham."
May 21, 2001
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