"I chose and my world was shaken, so what?
The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not.
You have to move on."

-Sunday in the Park with George
(SONDHEIM)
     You know, I think choosing is harder for people following Jesus than it is to people that are taking the life journey solo. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. People who live for themselves, they can just "do what is best for them at the time" and that's the end of it. But Christians, we have to take into consideration what God wants, and so we spend days, weeks, months in prayer trying to figure out what God wants, asking Him to reveal it to us. That's good, to want what He wants. Jesus specifically tells us to pray "Thy will be done" before we ask for our daily bread. But the horrifying truth about God, (I think it's horrifying) is that sometimes His will is that we have to figure it out for ourselves (That whole "It was here all along, in my own backyard"  speech Dorothy gives to Aunt Em).
       I hate choosing in this world. It's so uncertain. It's hard enough trying to choose what to wear in the morning (though I understand it is a blessing that I have clothes to choose from). But now and then life boggling choices come up and I go nuts. At first I am at peace because I know that God will work it out. But then I go nuts because I sit and sit and sit and I get no answer. The choice is left unchosen, and then we have deadlines. Shoot. Deadlines.

      The best example I can give is last year trying to choose a school., It should have been really easy for me, since I had always felt that God wanted me here. But nontheless, man created waiting lists (I hope God doesn't use them), and I had to choose based on what school I could study theater at. My options were narrowed down to either Oakland University, where I would be guaranteed to be able to study theater (and education too!), or UofM, where I was accepted into the Literature, Science and Art school, but was on the theater school's waiting list ( the theater school is a part of the school of music).  What a mess. Deadlines. I had to choose and I chose blindly UofM, thinking that if God wanted me to study theater it will be at the school with the best theater program in the state. I asked my dad what he wanted me to do, he said "well, I've always hoped you would go to UofM." If you knew my dad you would see why there was no question after that where I was supposed to be. I sent in the contract and was blue all over because I thought I was giving up theater. (no pun intended with blue, but hey! why not? Pun intended)
         Ironically, the state forensics meet was at UofM that year, and it was a difficult one in many ways for me. Upon recieving the news that I didn't "break" to the final round, I sat in the diag and cried, facing the Frieze Building, where the theater department has classes. I looked at that building and and wanted to scream. My life was a pit of nothing (you see, dramatic peope like me  belong in the theater department) and I just felt that God had no plans for me. My friend George sat down next to me and held my hand, telling me that God was going to work things out, and if He wanted me in the theater department, then I would be there.
        The next day I did not smile. That is, until I arrived home from my nine hour school day to hear that I was accepted into the theater department at UofM. Now everytime I pass that bike rack in the diag where George held my hand, I laugh. George was right, God works things out for good. He made sure I made the choice first though. Sure, it would have been easier if man did not create waiting lists. But God uses what man creates (He's so cool), and the choices man makes.

        Now sometimes I regret my choice. I think, my life could have been on a totally different path, and Oakland would have been such an easier one for me. I am not saying that about academics, I am talking about changes. Sometimes seeing that my life is changing scares me, because I am a different person than I was last year, and I am finding myself losing some of the things I had. Choice leads to change. Change involves sacrificing the old for the new (sometimes, unless you choose the secure). That time I chose the less secure choice, knowing that God would provide. And oh how He has! But sometimes I still freak out over what would have been. I imagine that if I had chosen Oakland I would have freaked out even more over this. But I will never really know.
      My sister Christy said something amazing today, as gloomily discussed with her what I wanted back from the old. Actually, I started it :P. I said "You know Christy? It didn't matter what choice  of path I would have made, because both paths lead to the same place." That's God's kingdom. I prayed "Thy will be done," so that's what I got. God's will for me is that I would have eternal life with Him. He can give me that from Ann Arbor, Rochester Hills, New York, or London. But then Christy spat out the words of God, she said, (sorry Christy, i know "spat" isn't the prettiest word) "We can't spend our lives wondering what could have happened. What would have happened if we chose the other path. But we're seeking God, and He is in control. And if you did choose wrong, and He wants you on the other path, He'll bring you to it."
Well said Christy. Well said.

God is great! Not only does He let us choose like He lets the "life soloists" choose, but He works it out. Stop thinking that following God means lack of freedom and eliminates responsibility in choosing. He is so much greater than that. But if after we pray "thy will be done"  and God still leaves us the choice, then we must choose. It's a game of  learning to trust. Then we can move on.
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