| "2 girls and a pervert entered the woods for a 'school film project'. A year later the footage was found� Some viewers may want to switch off now, as some scenes may be disturbing. Naz: "How the hell did we get here? Darren must have knocked us out and drove us here in his forklift..." Kay: �Baby Adam can be the Blair Witch with his amazing brain power.� Naz: "Oi... get that video camera away... And where are my shoes?" Kay: "I think Darren stole your shoes to make a camp fire. Then he ran off filming nature in its 'pure form'" "Right... Where's the map?" Naz: "I don�t know, I don�t have it! Darren you arsehole!" Kay: "Oh... I think I've found it... Nope. It's Darren's 'sex film plan'...?" Naz: "Shit! He has a plan? We must get out of here." (After 7 hours walking) Were back in the same place and look... the tent has been made into 'Darren�s cum cabin'! Kay: "What�s that weird noise? I'm not going in there!" Naz: "Let�s throw something at it... OMG Darren�s been hanging up blow-up dolls on the surrounding trees...." Kay: "I think this one has been... ahem... used..." Naz: "I heard another noise... look, he�s left his camera outside, maybe we should take it and run" (Darren suddenly emerges from the cum cabin. And jumps around naked.) *They run and run... Darren chasing them with his camera! They manage to hide in the bushes* "I�m so scared... i've never seen anything so ugly! I�m sorry mum...I�m so sorry!" Kay: "If I knew, I would never have gone online! Please, just find Darren before he does anymore harm..." *Next morning* Naz: He�s gone... I�m sure I head some screaming last night, sounded like some skating noises and screeches..." Kay: �But how do we get out of here?� Naz: �Maybe we should run into that house over there...there�s a sign... 'Simon�s shag house' Kay: �It does sound a little better than the cum cabin...� Naz: �Okay we'll go in�it looks very friendly and stuff... lets go down to the basement and find some ice cream.� Kay: �There's someone in here...� *A small scruffy child emerges from the darkness...* Naz: �Omg is he dead??? Or just ugly? I see another kid... in a Mothercare baby suit! Kay: �It's too big to be a child... it's head... its eyes!� Naz: �And the other - it has rollerblades!!!! This is so godamn scary, I�m getting out of here...� *The small bigheaded child tells us through telepathy that he once had a father, who abandoned him. If we don't find him.... He�ll find him by himself and force us to make a video with him!* Naz: �But the doors locked and the skater kid is coming towards us with a big stick on his face!!! We need to break out!� Kay: �Let's break the skaters nose off and bash the door down with it!� Naz: �Yeah! *They poke a great big hole in the door and escape* Quick lets find Darren before he sells more porn films� Kay: �There's a rustling in that bush over there... Let's go look... *A Michael Jackson seagull flies out of the bush!* Naz: �AHHHH!!! Its nose just fell off! *Sticks the sticknose on the seagull* look! There�s a naked animal over there, must be Darren� Kay: �I'm not going by that... It's disgusting. *The animal charges!* Naz: �Okay, I�ll throw some stones at it... or something... *grabs seagulls nose and chucks it.* Kay: �It's still running at us!� |
| *Then bighead baby appears and waddles over to Darren... �DAD!!!� He screams, but then Slipknot skater dude appears... "Nooo he�s not you dad!" The big head baby zaps slipknot boy. Slipknot boy starts melting from the radiation from the baby�s nappy... Darren collapses, so the girls grab the camera and run for their lives. The baby hovers after them... with the horrible Darren animal clinging to his face... After many hours running, the reach Darren�s forklift, but he must have the keys!!! * Naz: �But... Darren's naked, so where are they????� Kay: �There are some abandoned clothes in a bush near by... but they're women�s. Surely Darren wasn't wearing these?� Naz: �I�ll have a look... Yay some keys!!! What a coincidence... I cant drive this forklift, you�ll have to!� Kay: �The big head baby has melted the engine!� Naz: �Quick! Make the forks puncture his inflatable head!!!!� *As soon as his head is punctured, Darren covers him in 'special sealant' and inflates him again * Naz: �Where does he store all his sealant??? We�ll hafta run some more, it�s the only way! *10 hours later* LOOK!! Some foxy guys!!! They�ll help us!� The guys try and help, but the big head baby is controlling their brain waves... luckily the guys are in a band, and playing loud music decreases the babies control. The baby goes paralysed and lies helpless in the road. Darren then starts chasing them again with his sealant! They need to make the forklift work... they stick the baby in the engine... his brain is powerful so they go down the road in the forklift at 10mph. Darren still following... he�s weak, but wants his camera back. They throw it at him... and it smashes into a million little pieces. Nobody saw slipknot boy emerge from the bushes and grab onto the forklift with the spare film!! He tires to push them off the forklift with his nose... It doesn�t work... they strap him to the front of the truck and ram him into a nearby convenient wall. He makes a huge whole in the wall... the wall was an ASDA wall! Everyone runs out screaming except one guy who is busy stacking shelves with his therapists walkman on. He notices the stick nose... it's the guy who stole his girlfriend! �NAZDA!!!!� He cries.... 'Oh shit...� the girls say as they jump off the car and run into the freezer section. They are being chased by so many people... where can they hide? They run out into the car park and break into a cool car. They sit there for a moment as neither of them can drive, until Reese from Malcolm in the Middle comes along and helps them. He gets in the front and speeds along, knocking over those horrible old people on the way. They suddenly stop... in the middle of the road there�s two Stevies!!!! They were wearing hip-hop clothes and singing 'ring ring ring'. They all get out of the car and dance to the cool singing. And push the Stevies over, just for fun. They look round and see Tom speeding down the hill in a trolley �NAZDA!� he yells. So the girls both got in the wheelchairs and fled down the hill. |
| The trolley falls over when it hits something in the road... a Michael Jackson seagull part... Thank god the wheelchairs have brakes. After watching a crowd form around a maybe dead Tom, an angry woman started chasing them! She was Tom�s mother apparently... then she saw Darren and began remembering about her affair with him when Tom became a movie star in Darren's film. She screamed Darren's name. He looked terrified... he could remember her demands for more and more brown make up. More and more she wanted... she was an animal... Darren liked that, so they sneaked into the back of the ambulance and had fun. Tom was being bandaged up and sent back to ASDA where he could talk to some birds in the rotisserie. But what about stick nose and the baby? They hadn't been seen in a while... Sticknose was all broken where he hit the wall... he fell to the ground where he saw baby mangled in the engine. It was love. All those years living in a spooky house together brought them close. Afterall, they could be brothers� Sticknose picked up the mangled baby, and held him in his arms and cried... and then some bullies came and kicked him. A loud rumbling was head from the ambulance... Darren and toms mum were having a baby!!!! This was bad... Not another Darren child... not after sticknose and big head baby, and Mizua (RIP) |
| It Started In The Woods.... |