| Tom & The A.S.D.A Baked Beanstalk |
| Naz: Neal.... Sex God! Kay: He's so beautiful! Naz: His face is like a fresh morning Kay: omg! He is haggard Naz: He can�t be 30, he�s much older Kay: I know! He looks stressed! Naz: He looks like a grumpy old man who sits staring out the window throwing apples at the kids in the street Kay: Yes, he'd be a great evil ogre in a kid�s storybook Once upon a time in Kent lived Neal. He was a mean old monster with 3 feet, and one arm. He would get angry at the kids for kicking him when he went shopping at A.S.D.A. People steal the baked beans from his trolley in the hope they will turn into a magical beanstalk. Tom liked beanstalks. He would talk to the weeds in his garden hoping they would grow. They all died. Tom's mom had told him that prince Charles talked to his plants, but she had forgotten to tell Tom that this would NEVER work because he just bores things into deep sleeps... Tom sneaked outside one night and sat in the greenhouse. He secretly stole a can of beans from ASDA. He planted the tin into the soil and sat watching... watching.... Fell asleep.... Wet himself...Tom's urine leaked into the soil... and stirred something in the baked beans. They all cracked open and little shoots came out from them. The roots twisted round tom and in the morning he found himself tangled up in this huge beanstalk with ASDA written up the side! Who could save him? Tom pressed the little button on his rape alarm type thing... it said quietly 'ASDA. ASDA. ASDA'... a trolley whizzed down the side of the beanstalk with a little imp that looked just like Tom but smaller and less boring was riding in it. It was Tom�s inner child who came to rescue him. The imp had been locked away inside Tom for years, and now he was free! He cut Tom down and they stared lovingly into eachothers eyes. Then the imp started giggling... he told Tom that at the top of the beanstalk was a magic ASDA store with all of Tom's deepest thoughts and wishes inside! Tom scrambled up the beanstalk with the trolley. He needed to collect all these good things so he wouldn�t be so boring anymore. He got up the top and saw Darren standing there... Darren had detected toms piss smell on his pyjamas... Darren wanted him! Darren had not really been in tom's thoughts for a long time... and after all the confusion with Darren and Tom's mom he didn't want him to be there. In the magic ASDA world, Tom could be brave... he pushed the trolley as hard as he could at Darren�s legs. Darren's skinny old legs crumbled to the floor and melted into the sand. Tom smiled that ugly fucking smile with the crusts. He was so happy to have a trolley he could call his own. But then... some memories came to Tom... a scene was being acted out right in front of him... it was so real. He saw himself being rejected by Naz. Tom went into a dizzy dream; he was hallucinating after smelling the wee in his trousers. Eating boring food made it go toxic, he started to imagine he wasn�t boring at all, and that he was a supermodel. He was strutting down a catwalk... and he wasn't wearing brown. He was wearing beautiful, bright colours and he looked amazing. All the audience were cheering for him. Then he tripped and fell onto a doorstep. He looked up and saw 'free sex' scribbled on the door. That sounded interesting! In his dizzy state, Tom failed to notice the extra writing underneath.... 'Free sex, cum and watch Neal and Darren cum onto you!' He entered the room and the two most repulsive men he had ever seen were sitting on filthy beds... but then he started to hallucinate more and they were transformed into beautiful women! Tom ran over with the trolley still attached to him, and jumped on the silk beds. They all rolled around until another figure entered the room. It was Simon, of course. Roller-skating in, checking his father was okay, supplying the drinks of hot cum. he skated over Tom's hand, which bought him out of his dream state Tom realised he was in 'porn prison' and he could never escape until he became a perv. Tom wasn�t too good at being pervy. He was a straight talker - "you want us to have sex, don�t you?" Darren and Neal kept staring at him... he needed to think fast... with a huge burst of energy he screamed "would you like some hot cum?". He thought they would approve... but he'd stolen Darren�s line. Darren put on his new false perv legs, moulded from the mountain of hottus cummus. He chased tom round the room with a big stick with a thong on the end. Tom ran and ran till he was exhausted... he was ready to give in, when he spotted his trolley! He climbed in, and rolled around a bit, but he started to slow down. Simon was hanging on the back. Simon wanted those trolley wheels.... So badly, he stuck his stick nose in front of them. The trolley screeched to a halt, and tom sat silent... wetting himself. While Tom was busy drowning in his own piss, Simon was hammering the wheels with his skates in the hope they would fall off, and Darren and Neal were creeping in on him. Neal started mumbling, when Tom realised he recognised his voice. Neal once took tom to the park when he was small. Neal used to be the live in nanny in the Royce home. Mrs. Royce was always attending knitting conferences, and Mr. Royce was just as boring as tom, and sat in a wheelie chair all day. Neal had been old when he had been nanny, he must be at least 103, but he claimed he was 16. Tom continued pissing himself. It started to dissolve the trolley, and the floor, it was like acid. Tom fell through the floor into the basement. This was the 'wish' part of Tom's brain... he saw himself as the supermodel again, surrounded by women, and his friend Bubble who likes the pub. But then the faces melted away and went back to Tom's childhood. Playing with his pegs. He was such a great child. How did he turn into this? He strutted his stuff up and down the catwalk in front of tons of sexy girls, then Gareth came along and started filming Tom... well he filmed the floor. Then Neal and Darren ran in and jumped on Tom.. he was weak...they all rolled about having a lot of fun weeee!!! Then Neal and Darren tied him up and threw him to the girls! |
| Tom came out of his trance and realised what was happening, he knew he had to escape... if only he had another tin of ASDA beans! A tin magically appeared in his hand... but he needed a tin opener. He didn't have any shiny things Tom went deep into his mind to think of a plan... Darren lunged forward and Tom grabbed his glasses, twisted them round the can and opened it! Darren was now blind and passed out with the smell of Tom�s piss dribbling on the floor. Neal was the only one who could stop him... he jumped at Tom, and knocked the can over. The beans flew out and mixed with Tom�s piss... they started to mutate and grow faces and legs... 2 of the biggest beans grew... they had name badges, 'James and Gary durrrrr!' They ran around asking if anyone had seen their girlfriends, they would never abandon them. They were like Bill and Ben the mongo faced men... they ran around holding hands looking for their girlfriends, James was crying and Gary was touching himself... a lot They couldn't find their loved ones. James decided to kill himself, and Gary as well because he was too pathetic to live. They decided to look at Tom and they died instantly. Tom had all the beans biting at him, they were hungry locked in the ASDA can. Tom ran and ran and went straight into Neal who was coming back from the toilet, he saw Gary�s face and was sick. Gary woke up and realised that his girlfriend, �Danielle�, had spoken of an ex boyfriend, named Tom. He was very angry. He made a weird growly noise, and bit off Tom's face. Tom screamed and ran about a bit more, pissing himself, Neal laughed as he sat in the corner stroking Gareth who was filming all the action. Tom tripped over a diseased Darren, his foot got caught in Darren�s nose and his face got pulled off!!! |