| Crappy Birthday To Me... |
| This is what could have happened at my 18th Birthday Party.... none of this actually happened, oh what a terrible shame! |
| Naz: �You have a whole day to tart yourself up for Darren!� Kay: �lol, i'll have to decide on an outfit soon... I need to look my best for him� Naz: �He'll probably prefer you naked, but I don't think that�s very suitable for dancing� Kay: �I'll just wear some nice underwear then. He should like that.� Naz: �See-through underwear!� Kay: �lmao... there's an Anne Summers shop near me. I just had a vision of Darren going in there to get birthday presents� Naz: �Running out with handfuls of lacy knickers and handcuffs trapped round his ankles, being chased by security guards, then tripping on a feather boa� Kay: �The people in the shop would do citizens arrests... tie him up in a big bra! One day, Darren was invited to a party. Darren wanted to prove he wasn�t too perverted when he went to the party. He was terribly excited. He needed to make himself look like a nice young man. All those young women there were bound to be turned on by his beautiful looks and charm... but he didn�t want to look too tacky, so he decided on a well-earned makeover. He went on to good morning... they always made people look good. 'And here is Darren, with the winter bloom look... give us a twirl...' Darren gracefully sauntered down the catwalk and did he best model pose. The public instantly loved him and his unique look. Women followed him... but he resisted. He had waited a long time to meet Naz and Kayleigh (and all of their friends and family), and he had to save himself. He decided to go without sex for a whole week, to make himself pure. Now he needed a brand new wardrobe from Topman. He tried to get into the shop, but he was followed around the whole time. Not by women this time, but security guards... he thought 'why?! I look so innocent!' He failed to notice big baby Adam dragging behind him as he walked, tangled in Darren�s shoelaces. Darren went to jail... oh no! He might be late for the party! The cell was one that had previously been occupied by Tom... and what had been left behind? The ASDA spoon! Darren dug his way out of the tunnel and found himself in ASDA! Adam was still attached to his laces and got dragged around the store. Darren was lost so he asked a lovely looking (yet familiar looking) helper called Tom. Darren explained about the party. He recognised the names Darren had mentioned. But he wasn't too much help. Once he had gone out and had fun, but his mom thought he couldn't cope with it and she had had his memory removed. Darren liked him because he did everything Darren requested... so they both got into a car and drive to Naz's party. They pulled up outside and they could hear Right Said Fred playing. Darren leaped out of the car and couldn't wait to get on the dance floor. Tom followed and there he saw Naz... the girl he once tried to have sex with. Darren was swinging around the dancefloor without a care in the world when he saw Kayleigh... Kayleigh and Naz were oblivious to the monstrosities that had arrived at the party... until the Macarena came on... they jumped around and saw Tom and Darren standing in front of them... their eyes were red and staring... they were like animals - starving animals. Darren presented two large boxes wrapped up in pages from some weird porno magazine. Then he started clapping til the room fell silent. To Darren's demanding clapping Tom began dancing and jumping on tables. Darren then began dancing without music and trying to jive with himself. Everybody stood and watched silently... a few people whispered 'call the police' to each other. And then Darren started taking his clothes off and they thought he must just be a weird stripper. Naz's weird old Nan came over and said 'ooo look, this nice young lad has come to do a naughty show for you for your 18th!' Naz ran into the toilets and locked herself in. Kayleigh tried running into the car park but Tom blocked the door after getting tangled with big head baby. She didn't know what to do. There were some stiletto heels on the floor, very convenient, so she picked them up and poked Darren�s eyes out. That should slow him down, for a while... Now Darren was blind they all played 'pin the tail on Darren who looks like a donkey'. Big baby won first prize... a date with the birthday girl! The baby was just an innocent child, but it was Darren�s... Naz managed to escape through the loo window but was caught by a now very drunk Tom... he remembered her and all the 'fun' times they had. But then... along with his memories, he also got the ability to read minds... he didn't like what he was seeing. Tom got very angry and demanded that they should have sex and have babies so they can all be like him and bore the world to death. Naz said 'no thanks�; fly kicked him and ran. She then got hit by Kayleigh who was trying to drive away, Naz was okay so she got in the car and they drove away... but Darren used his perv-senses to follow them! |
| He still had a giant bra, so he decided when he caught up with them, he would use it as a net... Yes, they did get caught in his unusual net. Darren pulled them back to the party where they were forced to have 'fun' with him and his new eyes. He had stolen them from an Avon lady. They danced for three hours... they were promised a 3sum after the dancing... so they danced just a little while longer. Suddenly Naz and Kay remembered that they won a competition in the local newspaper to meet their idols... The old Perv Patrol were back! Davey, Mark, and Billy Corgan all got into the ice cream van and went to rescue them. But they didn�t realise a mutated Simon was hiding in the freezer...he had developed a stick nose and one of those stupid clown faces and that pipe hair... he was such a big slipknot fan. He got out the freezer and screamed 'bleeeeeeeurrrrgh. It�s fuuuuuckiiiiiing cold in the freeeeeezeeeeeer'. He had slipknot's musical 'talent' too. Simon skated in using his latest technique 'the shitface' and began spitting on people. He then started stabbing the sausage rolls while screaming 'die bitches, feel the pain!' He started headbanging, and rolled over Darren who was lying on the floor shouting 'rowr, come and get me'. When Simon next looked up, Darren and Tom were handcuffed to the DJ while Davey, Mark and Billy poked them with breadsticks. They decided Simon�s nose looked better so they used that instead. They all grabbed onto Simon, and dragged him to the back of the hall. They aimed his nose for Darren and rolled Simon really fast along the dancefloor. The force was so powerful; Simon�s nose went right through Darren, who stumbled into Tom. Tom fell into the DJ's decks and everything blew up! Everyone left the hall and got some ice cream from the van. But where was big head baby, Naz and Kay?? |