Lines You Will Never Hear on Star Trek/9
Nitcentral's Bulletin Brash Reflections: ClassicTrek: The Classic Trek Sink:
Lines You Will Never Hear on Star Trek/9
Seven: Number 9, number 9, number 9...
T'Pol: Go on, get laid.
Ensign Wrigley: Risa is so overated. I'm gonna create my own pleasure planet with gambling, & hookers!
Dulmer: The man's a menace. Look at all these violations of the timeline.
Lucsley: Kirk?
Dulmer: No. Braga.
Spock: It's a private matter.
McCoy: Hey I've read T'Pol's Guide to Vulcan Sex for Dummies.
Reed: It blowed up good. It blowed up reeeeeeeal good.
Archer: Kirk, I am your father.
Kirk: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Archer: Was it tough negotiating the Kataan treaty?
V'Lar: Yes. They'd been dead for 800 years.
Re: Ensign Wrigley - I thought in the 23rd Century Risa decided to get itself sponsored by an old Earth chewing gum company which might have gone out of business previously... 
I must have misread some of your new contributions, KAM out of tiredness after a long day's work - what was that Reed was saying about blow-up Vulcan sex dummies? 
[Put it away - Innuendo Police]
And while we're all in AOTC mood with one week to go, here's a cut scene from Star Trek V:
Sybok: Spock.... *I* am your brother.
Spock: Correction. You are my HALF-brother.
Roddenberry [off set]: No... that's not true... that's apocryphal!
Kirk: Actually, Gene, for dramatic reasons we made it to be true.
Roddenberry: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
As the Chief said, it's canonical! Dammit!
Sybok: Spock.... *I* am your brother.
Spock: Correction. You are my HALF-brother.
Kirk: Which half is your brother?
Sybok: Spock.... *I* am your brother.
Spock: Correction. You are my HALF-brother.
Sybok: Well, if you want to be nitpicky.
Sybok: Spock.... *I* am your sister.
Spock: This is why I never talk about my family.
Reed: Trip, do we have a bicycle repair kit on board? My girlfriend sprang a leak.
Previous draft from "Descent part 2":
Lore: I... love you.... brother....
Data: I know.
Reed: I'll plug you in! Dim the lights.... electric Barbarella!!
Worf: Where are we going on holiday?
Jadzia: Risa. They renamed it Orbit's Pleasure Planet, due to a chewing gum company merger recently.
Kasidy: Where are we going?
Sisko: Topps Pleasure Planet.
Kasidy: Never heard of it.
Sisko: Well, it's not really that pleasurable, but they include free baseball cards!
Kirk, with a cell phone, outside Sarek's home on Vulcan;
"Kirk to Enterprise, can you hear me now? Really?" Walks to the family ritual arena. "Can you hear me now? Yes?" Walks to Mount Seleya. "Can you hear me now? Really? Wow!"
Troi; "I heard you slept with Data! How was he?"
Tasha; "Insufficent Data."
Sybok: Spock.... *I* am your brother.
Spock: Correction. You are my HALF-brother.
Kirk: (stares at Spock in surprise)
Spock: Don't look at me - this was your wonderful idea, remember?
Worf; "Today is a good day to watch Buffy!"
Worf; "Today is a good day to calmly discuss things logically."
Khan to McGivers as he squeezes her hand; "Will you open your heart?"
McGivers; "Y-yes."
Khan; "Will you...buy insurance from me!"
McGivers; "Oh, no!"
Khan; "I intend to sell insurance to everyone on this ship, and I need your help!"
McGivers; "Oh, Khan, please ask me to do that!"
Khan; "Then go! Go, I say!"
McGivers; "No. I'll sell whatever policies you ask. I promise."
Chekov; "Please sit and entertainment. Your hair is unattractive that way."
Girl at bar slaps him.
Chekov; "Hey! That worked for Khan!"
McCoy: He's alive Jim.
Picard: I feel like following orders today.
Nechayev: To heck with the regulations, lets do what's right.
Wesley: I have no idea how to fix it.
McCoy: He's alive Jim.
It was lost in the Great Collapsing Nitcentral Disaster, but that was the very first entry on the very first "Lines You Will Never Hear" board.
It wasn't lost ScottN. Nick moved the earlier boards to an archive site at http://www.geocities.com/nitcentral_tos
Worf: Today is a good day to have a manicure.
Worf: Today is a good day to prance around and explore my feminine side.
Worf: I didn't want to be a warrior. I wanted to be a lumberjack...
Picard: Yeah, sure, whatever, there are five lights, blah, blah, blah.
Chaotica!: I'm sure we can settle our differences in a civilized manner.
Captain Proton: Fire the Death Ray!!!
The Borg: Hello. We'd like to talk to you about your relationship with the Collective. The Collective loves you and wants you to be saved by accepting the Collective into your heart. Would you like a copy of our publication?
Guinan: Wait a minute! This isn't the center square, it's a Borg cube!!!
Picard: It's always a checkers game with the Romulans.
Kirk: No, not Chess, Mr. Spock. Hopscotch!
Harriman: Fire the torpedoes... Tuesday!
Sisko: Since I'm a Celestial Prophet I can have Jennifer in one timeline & Kasidy in another. Yippee!
Kirk: You know it's such a lovely day, why don't we just enact General Order 24 on the nearest planet?
Spock: Okey-dokey
Kirk: Welshy! I need more power!
Picard: I'm gonna have to get 23rd century on you boys.
Janeway: Badges? We don't need no steenkin' badges!
T'Pol: Logic schmogic. Look at my hooters.
Whoops! That is a line you might hear on Enterprise.
Worf: Today is a good day to DRINK!
Cut scene from "The Naked Now" (TNG)
Data: Lieutenant, I really should be going now...
Yar: Oh go on, Data, you know you want to. Go on. Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on....
Data: Lieutenant...
Yar:...go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go-on go-on go-on go-on go-on go-on go-on go-on go-on go-on GO ON!!!!!
Data: Yes.
Uhura, Rand, Troi and Crusher: We are intelligent professionals, and can best the boys at any game they care to mention.
The Male Demographic: We choose Twister!
Chekov: I'm you're long-haired lover from Leningrad...
Cut scene from "Contagion" (TNG):
Varley: This is Captain Donald Varley of the USS Yamato. A pleasure meeting with you in these difficult days...
Picard: Ach! Donald, where's yer troosers?
Varley: You have no idea how tired I am of people saying that to me, slap-head....
From "Extreme Measures" (DS9):
Sloan: A hit. You have sunk my battleship...
Bashir & O'Brien: All right!
Sloan: So, you've finally managed to win the secret formula.
Bashir: Yes! This means we can go home and save Odo's life!
Sloan: Wait a minute! .... Best two out of three.
O'Brien: WHAT?! No way!
Sloan: [smiles evily] Yes way...
Worf: Today is a good day to...tiptoe through the tulips!
Riker: No, no, Captain, please do place yourself at the head of the Away Team to this insanely dangerous planet of huge firebreathing xenophobic aliens ready to shoot us on sight! I absolutely insist!
Spock: We are about to engage a ruthless army of highly trained and motivated professional warriors.
Kirk: Arm photon torpedoes.
Spock: And Captain - they are all women.
Kirk (relaxing): Belay that. Set phasors on spank.
Scotty: "You want faster? No problemo."
Any woman to La Forge: "Thanks for a great night!"
"...four, five and six. Okay, all the guys with the red shirts are here, let's head back to the ship."
Picard: "Number one, what's going on over there?"
Riker : -insert any answer that actually answers the question-
Reed to Merryweather: "You look like you could use a massage"
Worf: I didn't want to be a warrior. I wanted to be a lumberjack... KAM
"I'm a lumberjack, and I'm OK...."
KAM, here's a nit on one of your posts from Board 1:
Any Klingon: Tea time!
Didn't we see Pulaski perform the Klingon Tea Ceremony during some Season 2 episode?
Kazon (suspiciously): Are there any women here?
Janeway, Torres and Seven (in false beards): no...no...no.noNO...NO..NO
Cut scene from "Let He Who Is Without Sin..." (DS9)
Worf: What is that racket?
Risian babe: It's the New Essentialists having another demonstration against the decadence of the Federation or something.
[outside are many people shouting]
Protester 1: Down with this sort of thing!
Protester 2: Careful now.
Scotty: If only Bicycle Repair Man were here!
Yes, ScottN we did. I wonder if Klingons have tea cosies?
And since we're nitpicking... Sophie, wouldn't it be Kes instead of Seven, since the Kazons were no longer around by Seven's time? 
Worf: It's an ancient Klingon song that warriors sing while going into battle (pulls out a ukelele and begins to sing in a falsetto voice) Tiptoe through the tulips, through the window, that's where I'll go, just tiptoe through the tulips with you...
Kira: The Dominion is attacking the station.
Sisko: Prepare the boiling oil!
Spock: The Klingons are attacking.
Kirk: Fire the cow catapults.
or
Riker: The Cardassians are attacking
Picard: Fetchez le Vache!
Wayoun: Founder, the Cardassians are revolting!
Founder: Yes, they stink on ice.
Spock: The Romulans appear to be using their cloaking device.
Kirk: Very well, fire torpedo at B7.
Romulan: You sunk our battleship!
And yes, I know it takes more than one shot to sink a battleship in the game Battleship, you nitpickers you.
wouldn't it be Kes instead of Seven, since the Kazons were no longer around by Seven's time?
I do confess my fault. I realised that, but wanted 3 women for the joke, and I forgot Kes existed. Much like the writers. ;)
I'm enjoying all the posts from you guys on this and the Star Wars lines boards.
What's the proper emoticon text for winking face, by the way? I can't find it in the formatting help.
\ clipart{wink}
without the space between the slash & clipart
Worf: The Borg had adapted to our weapons.
All: Run away! Run Away!
and continuing the running joke (or milking it to death)
In DS9:Chimera, 2 Klingons object to Laas' 'Changeling Pride demonstration'
1st Klingon: Down with this sort of thing!
2nd Klingon: Careful now.
Beverly: .... and there we are, Jean-Luc. We've restored as many of your limbs as possible.
Picard: WHO ARE YOU? ARE THOSE MY FEET?
From "Parallels" (TNG)
Troi: Would you like another slice of birthday cake?
Worf: I LIKE CAKE!!!
From "Who Watches The Watchers" (TNG)
Mintakan: You are the Picard! We worship the Picard!
Picard: THAT WOULD BE AN ECUMENICAL MATTER.
Lives in a Borg Cube:
Four of Seven (for it is he or she): You know, Nine, you can serve the Collective by regeneration.
Nine of Twelve: Can you?
Four: Yes. To thank the Queen for a tiring day's assimilation.
Nine: Oh yes. You know, there are lots of ways one can serve the Collective... like that time you told me to serve the Collective by just, you know... leaving the room?
Four:... Yes, that was a good one...
Dream Troi from Phantasms: Let them eat cake.
From "All Good Things..." (TNG)
[In Prof. Data's study]
Jessel: Care for some tea? Earl Grey, hot?
Mr. Picard: Tea?! No thanks.
Jessel: Oh go on, Mr. Picard, you know you want some. Go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on.... [ach, you know the rest... ]
Thanks, KAM. With your help I know where to find it in the formatting now. 
Doctor: We've got ensign Hacket sober for the first time in 6 years.
Hacket: OH FECK, I'M STILL ON THAT SHIP WITH THOSE GOBSH***S!
From Voyager:Caretaker
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer:This town is 'coming like a ghost town
All the clubs are being closed down...
You're welcome.
So which will come first Star Trek X or Lines You Would Never Hear In Star Trek 10?
Janeway: Here we are stuck in the Delta Quadrant 75,000 light years from Earth, but oddly enough, they do have Starbucks, Gap & Krispy Kreme Donut franchises.
AOTW: Welcome to my planet.
Janeway: You're human!
AOTW: (Nervously) No, no. I'm an alien. See my antennae?
Janeway: Oh, right. Like gluing some plastic spoons to your head makes you an alien!
Grand Nagus Rom: Brother! how do you like my gift of one brick of gold-pressed latinum for you?
Quark: I LOVE MY... BRICK!
Grand Nagus Rom: Ah, it's nice to see Brother so happy again, now he's rich and... oh dear, he's just spent that brick on some yamok sauce!
Quark: AAAAAAHHHHH! FED UP WITH BRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICK!
An old joke, but one which needs repeating:
Adm. Hayes: Guys, Voyager is only five days away from Earth. I've got an idea - let's all dress up as apes! That'll fool them!
Sophie:
From Voyager:Caretaker
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer:This town is 'coming like a ghost town
All the clubs are being closed down...
From Voyager:Caretaker
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: I know that my heart will go onnnnn (and on and on and on)...
Janeway: NOOOOO! Computer, initiate self-destruct sequence!
Grand Nagus; "I'm tired of this job. I hereby announce that you are the new Grand Nagus!"
Mr.Burns; "Ex-cellent."
Dax; "An unidentified ship is heading our way, and they're ignoring our hails!"
Sisko; "Fire all quantum torpedoes!"
Dax; "Direct hit! There's a piece of debris on the main screen."
Destroyed hull plating shows 'U.S.S.Voyager NCC-74656'
Sisko; "Oops. Say we'ren't they supposed to be lost in the Delta Quadrant?"
Dax; "Yes, but I guess they made it back."
Sisko (winking); "No, they didn't."
Dax; "Riiiight. They never came back. Got it."
Riker; "Hey, if I'm Number One, does that make you a Big Fat Zero?"
Picard; "Go comb your hair!"
Picard; "Mr.Worf, you're a half hour late for duty! Explain yourself!"
Worf; "Sorry, sir. I couldn't find my scrunchy to tie my ponytail."
Picard; "Okay. No problem."
Data; "Today is a good day to compute."
Chekov; "Today is a good day inwented by Russia."
one more ...
From Voyager:Caretaker
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: Did you ever know that you're my hero ...
Janeway: NOOOOO! Computer, initiate self-destruct sequence!
Oh no, there's always room for another:
From Voyager:Caretaker
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: It's-a not so bad, it's-a nice-a place, ah Shaddap-a Ya Face!
Janeway: NOOOOO! Computer, initiate self-destr-- [head explodes]
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: I know a song that will get of your nerves, get on your nerves, get on your nerves. I know a song that will get of your nerves, on on on.......... I know a song that will get of your nerves...
(Whatever song you prefer, imagine hearing it playing over the final shot of Voyager in every episode...)
That should have been 'get ON your nerves'. Stu pid cut and paste...
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: "My lovely horse running through the... FIELD....."
The new riff that wouldn't die!!!
From Voyager:Caretaker
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: Feeeeelings! Whoa-whoa-whoa feeeeeeelings!
Janeway: NOOOOO! Computer, initiate self-destr-- [head explodes]
Kirk: Today is a good day to diet.
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: ...Mr Tamberine man... (William Shatner version)
(If you've forgotten how bad it sounds, there's a sample here. It's a hoot. Worth looking just for the review of Shatner's album)
http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/planet0/nwtp0015.htm
Hey! I like the Shatner version! I think I'll buy the album now!
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: Its been a long road. Getting from here to there. Its been a long time. But my time is finally near. And I will see my dream come alive at last! I will touch sky. And they're not going to hold me down no more, no they're not going to change my mind, cause I've got faaaaith of the heart...
Janeway: Computer, initate self-destruct sequence.
(Hey, someone had to do it)
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: My Heart will go on.....
Janeway: Computer, initate self-destruct sequence.
John, see my Thursday, May 23, 2002 - 10:24 am post.
OOPS! Sorry! My brain musta side-swiped an iceberg. To the lifeboats! Women, children & Scpipt Supervisors first!
Janeway: We were stranded in the Delta quadrant for seven years with only one song to listen to.....I don't remember what it was.
or
Janeway: We were stranded in the Delta quadrant for seven years with only one song to listen to - we all know it off by heart (sings) I see a little stiletto of a man, scare a moose, scare a moose, will you do the band and go...
Sophie: scare a moose, scare a moose, will you do the band and go...
I think you should visit the Misheard Lyrics board some time...
Hey! Sve is the new Sven!
That is the joke, Sven. She's been singing the wrong words for seven years...
Oh.
on the holodeck
Neelix (in awe): So this is an accurate reconstruction of the Holy Stone of Klonrickert just before it was Thrust Into Darkness? Exactly what happened to it, Mr Vulcan?
Tuvok: Permit me to demonstrate...
Janeway: Ensign KAM, report.
KAM: What the hell am I doing here?
Seven & T'Pol (Singing): I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts...
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: I'm a Barbie girl, in a Barbie world...
or
Computer: Somewhere beyond the rim of starlight, my love is in starflight...
I probably misremembered it, but that's supposed to be the lyrics to Star Trek
T'Pol: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle.
Picard: Ensign, set a course for ol' Ma Peggety's place.
Riker: It's like tekin' bread t' top o't world...
Worf: Today is a bad day to die.... I can manage about this time tomorrow?
Kirk: Captain's Log, supplemental.... it was time for Tubby Toast!
[upon hearing that England have won the World Cup]
Worf: Today is a good day to cry.
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: "I got my head checked... by a jumbo jet... it wasn't easy... but nothing i-is, no...."
Whole crew: WOO-HOO!
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: Headin' out to Eden..yeah, brother....
Janeway: SELF DESTRUCT!
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: "Save... your... kisses for me, save all your kisses for me... Bye bye baby, bye bye..."
[entire crew dances along, complete with the obligatory foot movements]
Okona (After being beamed on board): So who is this lovely creature?
O'Brien: My name is O'Brien. (Lowers voice, gives 'Come hither' eyes) But my friends call me Miles.
Kirk (singing while wearing his green wrap-around tunic): Greensleeves...
Chakotay, Paris & Kim: It's raining men, hallejulyah...
John A Lang (singing about Rand): She's got legs, and she knows how to use them...
Braxton (singing): If I could trap time in a bottle...
Jadzia (singing): I'm just a girl who can't say no...
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
(Computer produces train sounds) ;-)
Get it, I say, get it? Track, Train, Train track. Ha ha ha *bang* *thud*
Okona (After being beamed on board): So who is this lovely creature?
Woman: I am your Slovenian hostess for this voyage. (Lowers voice, gives 'Come hither' eyes). Come to my cabin and I'll have a big surprise for you...
Okona (after being beamed aboard): "So who is this lovely creature?"
Wesley; "MMMMOOOOOOOMMMMMMMY!!!!"
Spock; "Whatcha gonna do when these 24-inch Vulcan pythons get hold of you???"
Spock; "Double-dumb a$$ on you."
Kirk; "Spock, we're back in the 23rd century, you can call me Jim."
Spock; "Double-dumb a$$ on you."
Kirk; "Spock, knock it off! Enough with the colorful metaphors!"
Spock; "Double-dumb--"
Kirk shoots him.
Archer; "Lemon curry???"
Picard: Tarellian!
Beverly: Talarian!
Picard: Chakotay!
Beverly: Chekote!
Both: Let's call the whole thing off!
Kim: Most of the damage is repairable, but we're decades away from home and the ship's music library has been destroyed. All apart from one track.
Janeway (steeling herself): OK Ensign, let's hear it.
Computer: Just sit right back and hear a tale, a tale of a fateful trip....
Janeway: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Okona (After being beamed on board): So who is this lovely creature?
Transporter Chief (played by Teri Hatcher, but with a man's voice): I'm Bob, from Hermaphroditus III.
Okona (After being beamed on board): So who is this lovely creature?
Chief Argyle: Well helloooooooo...... They said I was gone, but I'm baaa-aaaaack!
Data: Oh $%*&. Oh $%*&. Oh $%*&. Oh $%*&. Oh $%*&. ...
Geordi: He's stuck in a recursive loop.
Worf; "I am Worf, son of Skippy."
Worf; "I am Worf, son of Don Knotts."
Worf; "I am Worf, son of a gun."
Worf; "I am Worf, son of Dorf, son of son of Borf, son of son of son of Shmorf."
Worf; "I am Worf, son of KAM."
Picard; "Evaluation, Mr.Worf?"
Worf; "Nice hooters."
Picard; "You're not Data! Who are you?"
Hymie; "I am Hymie The Robot, agent of CONTROL."
Picard; "Aw, heck! ANOTHER robot with better hair than me!"
Maxwell Smart; "Agent 13? Where are you?"
Agent 13, sticking his head out of a hatch in the Enterprise-D's warp core; "Right here, Max."
Smart; "Doesn't that hurt being in there?"
Agent 13; "Well it tickled at first, then it hurt, but now I don't feel a thing below my neck."
Smart; "Why's that?"
Agent 13; "Well, all that's left is my head."
Kirk; "Bones, I thought you were going to call our confiscated bird-of-prey 'The Bounty'?"
McCoy; "I changed my mind, Jim."
Kirk; "'The Magical Mystery Tour Bus'? No, thanks."
McCoy; "Spoil sport! The Bounty? Why would I name a starship after a brand of papertowels???"
Picard: How did the prisoners escape from the brig?
Riker: It all started when Worf had this brilliant idea to replace the forcefield with some nice curtains...
From Spock's Brain
Spock: Doctor, I believe you are cross-connecting my vocal and defecatory systems.
McCoy: Shut up, Spock. You're talking out of your...
Picard; "Space...the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It's continuing mission; to explore strange new worlds, to seek out new life and new--"
British Major; "Alright, alright, stop that! Stop that this instant! This is all getting very silly. Let's try for a normal skit, there's a good chap. Cut to the lemon curry skit, gentlemen..."
Picard; "Space...the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. It's continuing mission; to explore--"
Kirk; "Hold it right there, pal! Those are my lines! Now I'm gonna sue you for copyright infringement!"
Kirk: "Space... It's big. Really big."
--
Shatner: The priceline supercomputer... Supercomputer? Must... talk computer... to death!
Kirk: "Space...this is the Universe. Alpha Quadrant. My name's Jim Kirk. I work here."
Picard: "Space...the final frontier...And lemme tell you, it's no bed of roses out here, pal. Some days I just wanna go back to bed with a nice cup of Earl Grey and forget this whole voyage. But nooooooo, those blinkety-blank Admirals insist I have to 'boldy go' - whatever that means..."
Janeway: I asked them for a mission. And, for my sins, they gave me one.
...to circumspectly go where none have been since teatime.
Picard: ZIDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEE!
Kirk: "Space.... the Final Frontier..." Mmmm, ear...... [drools]
Pike: So what did you do before you joined Starfleet, Yeoman?
Yeoman Colt: I used to work for the Dol Bonner detective agency.
Data: Actually I am a toaster. That's why I have two slots in my bum.
McCoy: He's dead, Jim!
Kirk: I'd like a second opinion.
McCoy: Okay, he's ugly too!
Kirk: Space... the final frontier...
Spock: What about the afterlife?
Kirk: What?
Spock: Well, if there is an afterlife then it would be the final frontier. I mean you can't get more final than death, now can you?
Data: Would you like some toast?
Pakled neighbor: We search for things to help us mow... the lawn.
Sybok: Spock.... *I* am your brother.
Spock: Correction. You are my HALF-brother.
Sybok: Well that explains why we only have half-telepathy.
Sybok: Spock.... *I* am your brother.
Spock: Correction. You are my HALF-brother... and half-sister.
Spock: So Sybok, what have you been up to since I saw you last?
Sybok: Well, I developed an evil hand, shot Satan with a miracle shotgun, and turned into a were-coyote.
Spock: I'm in no mood for a Nonsense Contest.
Pike: So what did you do before you joined Starfleet, Yeoman?
Yeoman Colt: I used to work for the Dol Bonner detective agency.
Got it, KAM. Satisfactory.
Lore: I was a nice guy until Father used my butt as a crumpet toaster. Since then I have worked every moment for revenge.
Data: I trust you were not too busy to remove the crumpet.
Ackn: Blackadder
From 'Where Silence Has Lease'
Worf: My callisthenics program is deeply personal.
Riker (smirking): So I see .... Xena!
or...
Riker (whinging): I don't mind you being Xena, but do I have to be Gabrielle?
or...
Riker: As serior officer, I should be Xena. You can be Gabrielle.
Data: The fleet is gathered at Wolfe 359.
Riker: What's Wolfe 359?
Data: It's a star named after the great detective Nero Wolfe and his maximum weight.
Riker (singing): Riker the mighty, sitting in the captain's seat...
Worf: Call me, Sailor Praxis!
Riker: [singing in a conga line] I am evil Ri-ker! I am evil Ri-ker! I am evil Ri-ker! [etc.]
T'Pol: We have The Borg on sensors
Fans: We don't meet The Borg for decades!
T'Pol (sulks): Xena gets away with it!
Kirk: Face.... the final front ear...
Uhura: Can you hear me now?... Can you hear me now?... Can you hear me now?... Can you hear me now?...
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: That's a female.
McCoy: How did I miss that?
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Crewman: No I'm not.
McCoy: Yes you are. (shoots him with phaser)
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
(Alien of the Week revives the crewman)
McCoy: Are you going to let this thing override my authority?
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: Then why's he still walking around.
McCoy: He's in denial about it.
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: How are you sure?
McCoy: Chapel flashed her breasts at him and he didn't react.
Kirk: Maybe he's just gay?
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kirk: Why do you keep reporting crewmembers as dead?
McCoy: It's a lot less work for me.
McCoy: He's dead, Jim.
Kikr: What killed him?
McCoy: The autopsy.
Kirk: How's ensign... um, what's his name?
McCoy: He's Fred, Jim.
Kirk: How's the baby?
McCoy: He's fed, Jim.
Kirk: What was the baby's first word?
McCoy: He said, "Jim."
Kirk: How's the suspected communist?
McCoy: He's red, Jim.
Kirk: How's the pretty yeoman?
McCoy: She's wed, Jim.
McCoy: The joke's dead, KAM.
KAM: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Norah Satie: Picard, it seems you lied on your application to Starfleet. You said you were born in Lyonne, France when you were actually born in Nancy, France.
Picard: No! I am not a Nancy-boy!
Reed (wearing a very bad disguise): It is I, Malcolm Reed.
Kruge: So, Captain Kirk... would you like to take a ride in my little bird of prey?
Worf: Good moaning.
KAM: [Some TOS Pun]
Kirk: KAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM! KAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM!
Riker (with Data): Captain Picard calls us Number One and Number Two.
Camp Alien to Data: Are you one?
Data: Nooo, I am definitely Two.
Cardassian (indicating Garak): Is he one of us?
Gul Dukat: No, he's one of them.
Garak (tearfully): There's no need to tell everyone!
McCoy: He's dead Jim!
Scotty: I must point out that according to rule 39b paragraph eight of the Amalgamated Union of Space Operatives, my member cannot be considered deceased until body temperature drops below 24 degrees C, until which time Starfleet must continue to pay him full wages.
Kirk: Is that why you strapped his body to the warp core two weeks ago?
Scotty: Aye. And another thing. My members are threatening to down tools unless management do something about the smell in Engineering.
during the Cardassian occupation of Bajor
Quark: Why should I help to blow up Cardassians? They are good customers of mine!
Kira: If you do not, the Resistance will have you shot!
Quark (sighs): What do you want be to do?
Kira: Listen very carefully, I will say this only once...
during the Dominion occupation of DS9
Kira: In this trolley I have two Federation chaps who were left behind during the evacuation. They were in the Holosuite running a World War II simulation. You must hide them, Quark.
Bangs on the trolley. Heads pop out in flying helmets.
Miles and Julian (posh accents): Hello!
Jake and Nog are disguised as members of the Obsidian Order
Nog: Hey, Jake. I do ze limp!
Worf: You will go to Cardassia disguised as a small boy.
Ezri: Why can I not be diguised as a small girl?
Worf: Because you are a small girl!
Quark: How will I recognise the man bringing the explosives?
Kira: He will be disguised as dealer in kevas and trillium.
enter Rom in plastic Vulcan ears
Rom (loudly): I am a simple Vulcan dealer in kevan and trillium. Who will buy my wares?
Quark: Oh my God!
Starfleet: Calling Nighthawk. Calling Nighthawk.
Uhura: 'Allo. 'Allo. Zis eez Mrs. Nighthawk.
Sloane: I shall disappear like a phantom into ze night.
SFX: Crash. Smash. Tinkle.
Kira catches Odo (Rene Auberjonois) linking with the female Changeling
Kira: Rene! What are you doing with that woman!
Odo: You stuupid woomaaan....
Vic Fontaine: Now welcome on stage a brand new singing talent, Mr William Shatner!
Sisko: Quick! Stuff this cheese in our ears!
during the Cardassian occupation of Bajor
Kira: Quark, I want you to hide this datarod until we can get a forger to duplicate it.
Quark: What is it?
Kira: The finest work of holographic art of the 22nd century.
a picture of a topless T'Pol forms
Quark: Ah, the Fallen Vulcan With The Big Boobies by Von Clump.
LOL Sophie!
Archer: [calling Reed's parents] Lieutenant Gruber! What are you doing here?!
Alienw of the week: I have kidnapped Nellix I give you two choices. One you can return to Earth. Or two, you can get Nellix back.
Janeway: I don't know, they're both pretty bad choices.
Janeway (to nameless ensign): Didn't you die last week?
Ensign: Does it matter on this show?
Kirk (to gorgeous woman): Let's just be friends
Scotty: I cannot do it. The engines are overloading. I need a miracle down here if we are to live. I'm holding it together with my bare hands.
Pointy Haired Boss: Hold Smarter, not Harder.
Kirk: All my affairs wind up with tragic results.
Pointy Haired Boss: Love Smarter, not Harder.
Spock: This is a fascinating quasar. I will require six point seven two hours to analyse it.
McCoy: Only to two decimal places? You're slipping.
Captain Arkwright: Warp fu-fu-fu-fu. Warp fou-fou-fou. Warp fu-fou-fu-fou. Oh 'eck. Impulse speed Ger-Granville.
Captain Arkwright: Activate Emergency Mer-Medical S-State Registered Nurse!
Ensign Granville Kim: Chuffin' 'eck. Seven years in the Delta Quadrant and I'm still a flippin' Errand Boy.
Tuvok: It's a Novi class ship, captain.
Janeway: Novi class?
Tuvok: Yes. It takes very detailed scans of a planet, then produces reports with humorous headings and fancy formatting.
Early screen tests of The Cage
Pike: Number Juan!
Juan: Si, captain?
Pike: Number Wonton!
Wonton: Yes, honorable captain?
Pike: Yeoman Dolt.
Dolt: Duuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh...
Pike: Yeoman Molt
Molt (wearing a bird costume): Yes, captain?
Pike: Mr. Spot.
Spot: Meow?
Grand Negus: How went the battle with the Federation?
Daimon: We were fooled by the Arkwright manoeuvre. He sold us three loaves of old bread, a mop and a new ironing board cover.
Emergency Medical State Registered Nurse: So much for Fluidic Space. The hull's got all yuck on it.
Captain Arkwright: Ensign Granville, fer-fetch your cloth.
When the Bough Breaks
Data, Picard and Radue walk into the room with the power source...
Radue: What is it?
Picard: It's a power source that we got from an alien spacecraft that crashed in Roswell. Lights a Morley cigarette.
Radue: I also sell a line of spaghetti sauces.
Rom (waving to the fleet as it heads for Cardassia): Have fun storming the Dominion!
(Data & Spot in Riker's quarters)
Data: Thank you, commander for agreeing to watch Spot.
Riker: You're welcome Data. So why did you call him Spot?
(Spot takes a leak on Riker's carpet.)
Geordi: Data, why are you knitting and wearing a shawl?
Data: Dr. Pulaski suggested another great detective I should emulate.
Geordi: And that would be?
Data: Miss Marple.
Chekov (in 2002): Excuse me, but where can I find the nuclear wessels?
Passerby: It's a terrorist! He's looking to make a dirty bomb! Call the office of Homeland Security! Don't let him click his shoes together!
Geordi: Data...have you gained weight? And what's with the orchids on the Ops console?
Data: Dr. Pulaski suggested another great detective I should emulate.
Geordi: And that would be?
Data: Nero Wolfe.
This board is up to 120K.
Spock: Do you really like it? Do you really like it?
Kirk: We're lovin' it, lovin' it, lovin' it! We're lovin' it like this!
McCoy: Do you really like it? Is it, is it wicked?
Kirk: We're lovin' it, lovin' it, lovin' it! We're lovin' it like that!
From 'Journey to Babel'
Spock: Right, you've got my blood. I'm off for my tea and biscuits.
McCoy: But I've only taken a smear!
Spock: It may only be a smear to you, mate, but it's life and death to some of us.
(and so on)
During the Dominion Occupation of Betazed:
Lwaxanna: You call these rations. And my bed is too uncomfortable, and there are not sufficent latrine facilities....
Jem'Haddar(to vorta): Kill us, please.