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Chapter 1
The blow echoed in Nikita's imagination just as it did the same in Michael's memory. While her childhood had been occasionally abusive and dysfunctional, Michael's had been torture, plain and simple. L' Araigne had been a monster, an animal she was glad that was now dead. But she knew he wasn't that way to Michael. To him, the creature from his youth was still very much alive and delivering blows. Yes, at the moment, he was covering up what was going on inside. He was an expert at it, few were better. But she knew it would eventually leak out. Then the only thing to do was to help pick up the pieces and repair the damage.
"We need to talk." Michael's eyes were glued to the road. He felt exhausted and knew he should pull over for a while to rest but as usual he ignored the demands of his body. His mind would have never given him the rest he craved anyway. Memories were too rapidly coursing through it. Nikita looked over at him, taking in the sudden hardness of his voice. A small frown formed on her face. The light from the dashboard of the car gave off just enough light to show her how tired he really was. And how strong the undercurrents were that were raging in him. The shadows around him were thick and heavy. She could feel their presence and how they weighed down on them.
Pushing the black feelings away, she said gently, "I thought that was what we were doing." Ever since they had hit the highway after leaving Claude's, he had been talking nonstop. And she had listened to every detail he had poured out. His childhood and teenage years had been horrific. The abuse he had survived even shocked her. *It wasn't just abuse, it was unmerciful torment. It still rips into you, doesn't it? I often wondered how your mind worked...it never stops. I don't think it can.* In the few hours, yes it was now hours, as she stole a glance at the clock on the dashboard, she had gained a better understanding of him than in the 4 years she had been with him. She was getting a clearer understanding of the things that drove him. Or was the word more accurately, chased.
"I've been talking. You've been listening." He cast her a sideways look and found that she was watching him. With a sigh, he turned his attention back to the road. "I've been keeping something from you that has put you and others in a lot of danger. I never thought this would have escalated the way it did. I did it because I needed to have a safety net. Something to protect you with just in case I couldn't find a way to deal with a situation or find a way out of it for you.. Nikita, I have the Section Directory and it's in the ring. The Directory Bauer was looking for wasn't the only one you had."
*Nikita, find out everything before you fly off at him. Get his reasoning first. You don't know how close he really is. Are you even sure about yourself? Turn it off. Control it.* Swallowing hard, she turned her head to watch the darkness as it sped past the passenger side window.
"The ring I'm wearing?"
"Yes and mine too. I need..."
"How long have you had it?" She knew what he was going to say. In the pit of her stomach she knew it was coming but it still hurt like hell when he said it.
"Since it disappeared. Harding did have it on him."
She closed her eyes. There were no tears. Just hurt. "Stop the car, please." Her voice was lifeless.
Tensing for the fight he knew was coming, he did as she requested. All he wanted was understanding right now. That and maybe some forgiveness, The tires of the car ground over the gravel on the shoulder as they glided to a stop. He shifted the car into park and moved sideways in his seat so he could face her. He was going to deal with whatever was coming next head on.
He expected a torrent of anger and words from her. That was what he readied himself for. Not the slap across the face she gave him instead. He deserved it and a whole lot more too. He lowered his head. Nikita stared at the top of his head. *You bastard!! How could you do this? You let them do what they did to me? Let me go through what I have? Punished us the way they have.* His words echoed in her head *...couldn't find a way to deal with a situation.* She shoved his face upwards to meet her eyes. "I guess cancellation was a situation you could deal with."
She could see the regret and self incrimination in his eyes. She'd said the wrong thing. Once again she had spoken before thinking the words through.
Softly he said, "I thought I could get you free. I thought it was what you wanted, what I wanted. I was wrong. I couldn't deal with it. I'm sorry."
Nikita had half a mind to get out of the car and start walking. Just walk into the darkness and not look back. Damn the consequences. But it wasn't only herself she had to worry about anymore. No, there was him and that little ball of fire back at Claude's. Pulling her hand away, she leaned back against her door and lowered her own head. Her eyes going to the ring on her finger.
Michael watched her lowered head, waiting for some indication of what she was going to do next. He rubbed the knuckle of his pointer finger across his upper lip, the only outward sign of his worry. Slowly and much to his amazement, she removed the ring and placed it on his thigh. Then she wrapped her arms around herself in a gesture he was beginning to realize as defensive and an indication of tuning out. Pulling away from the hurt and keeping it outside.
"Before you ask for it back, there it is." She shifted herself away from him then so he saw mostly the back of her shoulder.
Anger flared and he resisted the urge to pound the dashboard. He fought for control instead, pushing a lock of hair behind his ear with a slightly trembling hand. The damn thing had caused too many problems already. It was time to get rid of it. He took the keys from the ignition and opened the pocket knife that hung from the keychain. He pulled off his own ring and started to dig at the inside of it with the blade of the knife. He succeeded in popping the inside circle of metal off the ring. He then proceeded to do the same to Nikita's. Holding the two circles in his hand, he opened the door and got out. Once he had his back turned to the car, Nikita turned around to see what he was doing.
In bewilderment, she watched while he placed something on the road way and started to crush it beneath the heel of his boot. With a satisfying crunch, he crushed the silicone inserts and the microchips. Viciously he brought his foot down on the spot again. Now they were a dusty spot on the concrete. Then he did it again with more force. A crack was opening and now she was worried. It was dark and she wasn't sure where they were. It was not the best time for him to lose it. Suddenly panicked she threw open the passenger side door and bolted over to where he stood. She grabbed his arm.
"What the hell are you doing?"
"Getting rid of it. Section doesn't have to know I had it. As of right now I don't." He leaned back in the car and pulled something out. The anger he just displayed gone like a puff of smoke. Suddenly he was gentle and quiet, his gaze steadily fixed on her. "Give me your hand."
"Why?" She was curious about what he was up to. He held out his hand.
"Please..." With a slight roll of her eyes and a pout of the lips, she did as he wanted. Carefully and with the gentlest of touches, he slid the ring back on the same finger she had pulled it from just a few short minutes ago.
"From one lost soul to another...loyalty, friendship, faithfulness and...love."
For what seemed like a long time, they stood there looking at each other. Nikita was the first to break the silence. With a nervous laugh she quipped, "Sounded like a wedding vow from a romance novel. You trying to get published or something?"
Solemnly, he continued to look at her. At least that was what she thought his look might have been. The darkness kept her from accurately reading his eyes or his expression. His face was fairly shadowed. She could feel the intensity of it though. What was going on in his head?
"Would it be so bad if it was a vow?" She backed up from him suddenly, wide eyed. The conversation and situation had taken a serious curve that she knew she was not ready for. And with everything he had been through lately, she knew he wasn't either. So where was this coming from? The old mistrust reared up for a second before she viciously beat it down.
"Michael...whoa, wait a minute. What are you trying to imply here?" His answer was interrupted by the muffled sound of a ringing phone. He leaned in again and dug under his seat.
Opening the phone, he answered it. "Hello." His voice was now rough and hard as stone. She could tell he was not pleased at being interrupted.
"Louis?" Michael's back stiffened as he recognized Operations' voice. The reality of his world was back, loud and clear. He was not happy with how quickly it awoke from its slumber. He would have liked to enjoy the illusion just a little longer.
"Yes."
"Is Josephine with you?"
"Yes"
"Is the situation under control? Do we have closure?"
"Yes."
"We want you BOTH back here ASAP." He emphasized the word 'both' and 'ASAP'.
This annoyed Michael intensely but he did not reveal that either in his voice to Operations and by body language to Nikita. At least that was what he thought. Though he wanted no more secrets, he had enough of them to make him sick to his stomach, his thoughts were still okay to keep to himself. Nikita could see the rising tension in him though. Just by the set of his shoulders and the way he stood, his body illuminated by inside light of the car.
"On our way to you now." The line went dead in his ear. "We have to get going."
"Operations hates to be alone, doesn't he?"
With a smirk, Michael replied, "Yeah, we need to find him a new pacifier. I'm sick of being it." He got in the car and slammed the door closed. With a look of astonishment, Nikita followed suit. Michael was not a happy camper. It was going to be a wonderful ride the rest of the way.
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"Well?" Madeline wanted to know what the outcome was.
"He sounds fine. Nikita is with him and he says they have closure."
Operations turned and faced Madeline, shoving his hands in his pockets. He studied her for a moment. He used his teeth to play with the inside of his lower lip as he did.
Madeline wrinkled her brow at him as she watched his motions. "What are you doing?"
With a deep inhale of air he answered her, "Thinking, considering and evaluating."
"About the new mission?"
"Yes. Do you think he can handle it? Is he ready for this?"
"I can ask you the same question about Nikita. This is a delicate set of circumstances we are sending them into. Made such in a large part by actions you made Nikita take. Yes, in a way it gives us an in we did not have before. But there is a cost involved with every action, Oscar. You know that as keenly as I do. You want her to go and act as protection for a man she had already harmed. Then she has to involve him in a relationship, making him fall for her while he grieves over his wife."
She paused for a moment, perhaps choosing the right words. "Michael is to befriend a man who will be in the near future will have an intimate relationship with the woman he clearly has very strong feelings towards. Feelings that at this point are making him not act like himself. A past that suddenly had come to threaten his whole world. And now this. He must act as the confidante, gain every bit of trust possible and then take the child and Nikita away from the mark. And comments are made about my setting up houses of cards. You set up houses of stone on stilts in quicksand compared to me. There are innocents involved here Oscar. The cost may be too high."
"No need for exaggeration Madeline. I know I'm playing a dangerous game here. I need access to him that can only be achieved this way now. The cost needs to be ignored here. We have to take the necessary steps. You've seen the reports. You know what kind of beast this man is. But now they want the suppliers too. It needs to be done. Yes there is AN innocent involved. Yes I know it is a child. Why do you think I picked Michael and Nikita? They will protect the child and since they are in this alone act as each other's backup. Their ability to work together as they do is an extremely important element in this mission. And yes I know this will be difficult for both of them...but this is their job...their life...all else is secondary. Either they do the job or face the consequences."
"We are taking grave risks with him. Have you seen the child? Do you realize who he bears a striking resemblance to? Do you realize how old he is?"
"Yes it can't be helped. Michael will have to find a way to cope with the situation. As I said before, it is his job."
"I hope Nikita is strong enough to overcome her own guilt, fear and past in regards to this mission also. How much guilt do you suppose she harbours about this? About having given up her own child only to find that she is dead too? Will she be strong enough to hold herself together? Because there's another issue to face here to. She doesn't know about her child yet. Does she? In light of that...will she be strong enough to help him? Because I think she's going to be picking up a great many pieces with Michael's name on them before we even get half way through this mission, all the while stepping on her own." With the last remark, she spun on her heel and strode out of his office. Operations took another deep breath and slowly blew it out. It never stopped lately. Fate was spinning a web for him that only getting bigger and eating up more of his world. He had to stop it.
"And Madeline, my dear, don't you think he'll picking up those pieces of Nikita ? It has to go this way. I have no choice. I just hope this works."
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As Nikita had feared it was a very quiet Michael that now drove the car. It was starting to give her a headache. Well not really the quiet but the way she was reacting to it. Unable to leave it feeling so empty in the car, she reached out to touch his cheek. He flinched at first but then stopped his reaction. However the movement was not lost on her. And it compelled her to comment.
"He's why you don't like anyone to touch you." She didn't say it like a question. It was a statement of fact.
Michael shrugged. "Perhaps." His voice was flat, detached, very Section like.
Her jaw tightened in response and so did the muscles in the back of her neck. The pressure behind her eyes increased as well as the throbbing band around her head. She rubbed the front of her forehead and then her temple.
"Michael..."
"What..." He turned his head to answer her and immediately became concerned when he saw what she was doing. Emotion flooded over his mask and he reached out. All attention now focused on her. So much so that the car had started to drift to the other side of the road. Watching with the road only half an eye, he reached for her. "Are you all right? What's wr..."
"Michael, WATCH..." She had looked up as he was reaching over and saw the headlights in the windshield. His swift reactions saved them from the tandem 18 wheeler. The air horn echoed deep into the night as the truck careened past them. The way the car spun as Michael jerked it back to the proper side of the road told Nikita not only that they had been going at an excessive speed but his attention had not been truly on the road for a while.
Angry at himself for the blunder, he jammed the Porsche into gear and started to swing the car around. For the second time in the ride she said, "Put the car on the shoulder, Michael."
"No."
"Don't tell me no. Do it now."
"Don't start..."
"DO IT NOW!! I"M NOT KIDDING!!!"
Muttering to himself, he slammed his hands against the steering wheel and plowed unto the shoulder. The car came to an abrupt stop. His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly. She could tell he was fighting to regain his composure and control.
"What is wrong with you? You go from one extreme to the other!! You're scaring me! Get control before you wind up killing us. Or let me drive. Something, please!!!!" He greeted her with silence and a stony gaze out the windshield. "Damn you, Michael, don't you dare shut down on me."
He whipped his head around, eyes flaring. "Don't you threaten me, Nikita!"
"And if I was, what are you going to do about it? Yell? Scream? Hit something? Maybe me! Don't let him get to you like this. You're stronger than he was. You always have been. You don't let it control you. You control it! Just like you do to almost everything else."
"I can't! It controls more of me than you realize Nikita. It is me. In the past year, my emotions, my mind, my body has been thrown from one end of the gauntlet to the other. No matter how hard I've tried to dig my heels in. Not only have I been dealing with myself but with you too. The monsters in my past... And the rest of the menagerie back at the Section. I thought for just a little while we had time with each other that the real world wasn't going to interfere with. Things were looking real good. I had the illusion of control. Then I make a comment and you act like a wild mare whose about to be branded. And then the fu...DAMN IT!!" He smacked the steering wheel again. "I've had it well above the proverbial 'here'. So god damn worried about closure....when do I get some closure? Tell me that. When does closure happen for me? Un de ces jours, je vais envoyer lui chier." He leaned his head against the steering between his hands.
"Can you repeat that in English so I can understand you? One of these days you're going to what him?"
His head came up and a bit of humour glinted in eyes that a second ago were burning with rage. "I got to watch myself around you. You're starting to learn all the words they don't want you to use." Nikita smiled weakly, the roller coaster ride called Michael was on the down hill again. "I'm sorry for yelling, for what happened back there and for my bad mood. I'm just very tired. It's not your fault. So don't take it that way. Forgive me?"
Nikita nodded, she felt a little skittish about doing anything else. Showing how much calmer he was, he treated the car gently and they were on the road again. Nikita knew it was an act. He reminded her too much of a volcano getting ready to blow. And right now she was only seeing the cracks. The top was going to blow soon. Then heaven help them all.
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Chapter 2
Mercifully the debriefing was short. Michael had done most of the talking. His replies were short and curt. Several times he cut Nikita off and this was not lost on either Madeline or Operations. It was not his usual manner and it worried Madeline a great deal. Madeline could also see Operations getting more and more annoyed at Michael. It was almost as if Michael was trying to get an argument started. Finally Operations stood up. Madeline watched Nikita start to grimace as if she knew what was coming especially as Michael stood up with him. Tensely Operations had said "Dismissed." For a moment Michael looked like he was going to challenge. Then he'd shut his mouth and exited the office. Now she and Operations had Nikita cornered. Time to get to the bottom of things.
"What's happened with him, Nikita?"
She looked from Madeline to Operations with raised eyebrows. "I'm supposed to know. Where have you two been the past 10 days? I certainly wasn't here. Remember I was a guest of Perry Bauer's." Getting up she started to pace. "Maybe this is it. For 14 years you two have been lying to him? Maybe he just faced his biggest fear...ahhh... Forget it. Wild thoughts...Let me think some more.."
Operations slammed his hands down on the top of his desk. "I'm not in the mood for your mouth!"
Nikita respond in kind to Operations, her hands joining his on the desk. "And I'm not in the mood to be here. Listen, the last week has been a real bitch. I was attacked, drugged, beat up and almost raped. I'm tired. I'm sore. I want to go home, take a shower and have a good time crying my eyes out! Get off my back! You want answers about Michael. You go find Michael. You get him to talk to you. Believe me...he's just dying to deal with you and maybe take your head off! I warn you..watch it with him. He is not stable."
Madeline interjected, "If you two would sit down and discuss this calmly.... yelling at each other allows us to figure nothing out."
"Can it Madeline! There is nothing for us to figure out. Michael needs to figure out who the hell Michael is!! That's it! Time off to get himself back together!! You let him beat himself into the ground and then some. Look what he's been through recently. You've seen him. He's too mercurial. Hell I can't even keep up with him. I don't know when he's going to fly off or not. He was doing ok, I thought, until you called." Nikita pointed at Operations. "Right now you're one of his problems! Fix it! I'm sick of dealing with the fall out from your actions! I've got plenty of others to deal with of my own!"
"No one asked you to deal with them, Nikita." Madeline offered softly.
Nikita turned on her. "He did. Any more comments you care to make, Madeline? Cause I have the perfect place for you to put them on hold."
"Back down now!" Operations' voice indicated he was not in the mood to be trifled with.
Grinding her teeth together, she pulled back as he threw a folder down on the desk. She flicked her eyes at it before looking back at Operations. "What's that for?"
"You know how to read. Look at it."
Madeline's eyes grew wide as she comprehended what Oscar was up to. "Oscar..." she started menacingly. She was too late but Nikita was already lifting her head from the folder. She watched as the young woman flung it back in Operations' face. Paper floated to the floor.
"You just can't stay out of things can you? You just dig and dig til you find an artery and slice it open. You just love to see us bleed don't you? Did they teach you that technique in Viet Nam?" She snarled at him. Inside her mind was spinning. He had been looking for Katie but Michael had done as he promised. It looked like she was dead instead. Katie was safe from the Section. Nikita had to make this look good though. Something more precious than her own life was at stake here. *Tears would be a good touch here. Plus a good punch in his face.*
She let tears spring to her eyes. She tried to make herself as upset as possible. In a choking voice she said, "I hope someday you read about Stephen from a piece of paper too. And it bleeds out of you what little life you've got left."
At that, she left the office. Operations flopped into his chair. "I think she handled that well."
"Are you intentionally that blind to the pain you cause or do you just enjoy it? There are times you disgust me. You want to go through with the mission in queue. Be careful. We've got two agents who are close to breaking down." Now it was Madeline's turn to leave yet again.
Operations shook his head. "I'm beginning to think I'm the only one in my right mind. Besides being the only one who can stand to be near me. You really want to know about pain, Madeline? Put yourself in my shoes for a few hours. Deal with the mess I've got on my hands. It is not a pretty thing."
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Nikita didn't get very far down the hallway before Madeline called her. With a sigh and a look towards the ceiling, she stopped and waited for Madeline to catch up with her. "We're talking now. My office." She grabbed Nikita by the elbow and started steering her to a catwalk. Nikita tried to shake her off.
"I know the way. I don't need a guide." Madeline didn't bother to reply and didn't let go. For the better part of the way, she dragged Nikita. They passed several others along the way, causing raised eyebrows. What had Nikita done now? They got to the office and Madeline shoved her in.
"Sit."
Nikita did as she was told. She was too shocked by Madeline's treatment to do much else. Madeline didn't sit as she usually did. She remained standing, almost over Nikita.
"I want you to tell me the truth, Nikita, about everything. And I mean now. Start talking."
"I'm not in the mood for talking. Like I said, I just want to go home. I don't want to look at you people anymore." She started to stand up an Madeline pushed her back down.
"You weren't told to move!" Madeline's voice shook with anger.
Nikita flared. She bounced back up, nose to nose with Madeline. "Don't start with me. I've had enough shit thrown at me for the past few days. I DON'T NEED IT FROM YOU TOO.!!
"Well you're going to. I want the whole story, Nikita. I want it now!!! IS THAT REPORT OSCAR GAVE YOU TRUE??? IS YOUR CHILD DEAD??"
"I DON'T KNOW!!!! I HAVEN'T SEEN THE KID SINCE THE DAY I GAVE HER AWAY!!! IT'S THE PAST !!! DROP IT!!!! Her last words were screamed at Madeline.
Taking a deep breath, Madeline capped off her emotions, shutting them behind the door in her mind. "Does Michael know about her?"
Nikita nodded. *More than you realize sweetheart!* "Just that I had her and who her father was."
"And..."
"And what?" she said with an exasperated sigh.
"Will you tell me about her?"
"Nothing to tell. I had her. I gave her away." A tear trickled down her face. An image of Katie playing with Claude's boys unfolded in her mind. It tugged at her. She missed her daughter like she never had before. "I was a coward. I ran just like I always have." She gathered herself together. "Confession time over. Back to the convent."
"Fine, you so won't talk to me about that now. Talk to me about Michael. What happened between him and L' Araigne?"
Nikita closed her eyes. The pain and other emotions that she had seen in Michael during his confrontation with L' Araigne and afterwards had troubled her. He reminded her of a box within a box. It always seemed like you were opening one only to find another closed one inside. She had to wonder if she would ever find the last box with the real Michael in it. Hopefully there wasn't a bomb hidden in it along with him.
She had seen Nikita slip into deep thought and the worry that jockeyed with grief for room in her expression. "I'm waiting."
"L' Araigne and I were fighting when Michael showed up. God, Madeline I thought I was looking at a ghost. He was confronting his past in the worst possible way...back from the dead. He looked like he was in such agony and confusion. He still does but he's hiding it at the moment. He had so many memories hitting him at once. There was L' Araigne and growing up, the recent events with Elouette and from what I could gather the place L' Araigne took me was the house where Michael lived before he was taken. They fought verbally at first, then he hit Michael. Then he told Michael he was his father. I thought I had lost him there. But he overcame whatever was happening inside. Something else was driving him. Making him hold it together. Maybe it was a thirst for revenge. He had him there, maybe he wanted some payback. He was determine to get rid of L' Araigne. He wanted him dead. I couldn't stand by and let him do it. It would have been just something else to feel guilty for."
Madeline looked at her incredulously. "I thought Michael said we had closure!"
"We do. But I couldn't let Michael hang the guilt of this on himself too. So I took the responsibility. I made the sacrifice. I made sure we had your precious closure." She hung her head for a minute. Then looked up at Madeline with shining eyes. "I think he's blaming himself for that anyway. All he wants Madeline is closure for himself. Of the past. To put it away and be done with it. Do you know what L' Araigne used to do to Michael? The beatings, the words, the tricks, what he did to try to drive all emotion from Michael, every bit of feeling...I don't know how he stayed sane let alone survived. I can see where all the cracks are coming from. The past year has been too much for him Madeline. He's close to a breakdown of some sort. The past is back to beat at him some more. I don't know how much more he can take."
At that Nikita thrust herself out of the chair. She had to find a way out of Madeline's office. She was tired, sore in body and soul. She just wanted to go home. She paced the floor like a lioness, reminding Madeline very much of Michael. He did the same thing lately. They were both over wound springs.
"We just want it to be done. Just let the past stay under the rock that covers it. But no....Operations has to keep shoveling the dirt out from around it...like he's trying to roll it over or something. You thought that the way he came back from Elouette was bad. Madeline I'm afraid that something worse is going to happen. He's worrying me. I'm not saying I'm scared of him but for him. He's up...he's down. Was he like this while I was gone? Was he like this when he first came to Section One? Was there this anger?"
Slowly Madeline shook her head. "No, not anger. Arrogant, defensive, suspicious, dangerous but not like this. No, this is new. It's like we've uncovered a new layer."
She didn't want to ask her next question. She knew Nikita was going to react badly to it. Michael was not the only one she was worried about. There was the agitated young woman pacing her office floor in front of her. Regardless of the way she was acting at the moment, Nikita was also showing cracks of her own. The restlessness, lack of concentration, the aggression, the headaches and the nightmares; they were all signs of it.
Both she and Michael were fighting to keep from drowning in a turbulent sea. Each one was trying to hold the other up. She hoped they didn't succeed in drowning together.
Nikita's comments about 'her week' intrigued Madeline. She pressed a little more. "You mentioned something about rape. Is there something we need to discuss or take care of." She watched as the young woman stiffened and adopted a defensive posture.
Rolling her eyes and shaking her head, Nikita retorted, "Key word was 'almost'. You weren't listening."
"Was it Bauer or L' Araigne?"
"Well L' Araigne was only interested in one person. I was the bait. So I guess that leaves Section's own resident mauler. Believe me, he won't soon forget my bite."
*There will be repercussions from this.* Gathering herself, she blurted out her question. "Do you think he's ready for a mission as soon as tomorrow?"
Nikita stopped in the middle of a step, looking at Madeline in total shock. "You people are relentless! He's standing on the edge deciding whether or not to jump. Along comes Madeline and kicks him over. You are a friggin' piece of work, you know that?"
"I asked you a question Nikita. I didn't ask for your personal opinion of me."
Leaning in towards the older woman, she hissed, "You don't need to ask, do you?" Nikita paused waiting for a reaction, there was none. With a snort of disgust she backed away. "Why ask my opinion? No matter what I say, his phone is going to ring and you'll be dragging him back here. Bit by bit you people are killing him. He's not a bottomless well. He has a bottom. He's at it." She shoved past Madeline and out of the office.
Madeline looked down at the carpet. "Unfortunately Nikita life goes on. He'll have to wait to hit bottom. Just like you."
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Nikita was shocked when she opened the door to her apartment. Even though Michael had picked it up a little, it was still in shambles. Tears sprung to her eyes and then ran down her face. Her home looked like she felt. All messed up and out of place. Leaning against the door, she slowly pushed it closed, then slid down it to the floor.
Nothing was sacred to that place. Nothing was free of it either. Section One was like a bad smell that permeated everything it came near. And you couldn't wash it out either. No matter how many times you tried.
The tears turned into sobs that had her shaking where she sat. Everything from the past few weeks came out. Memories of events and the emotions attached flew through her mind. The pain was intense but in a way cleansing at the same time.
After a while the sobs subsided and the tears stopped. Drained, she leaned her head back and slowly took in the apartment again. She really didn't want to be here anymore. There were only two places she felt comfortable, like she even partly belonged. One was Michael's; the peace there filled her almost with a sense of well being. The other for a reason that was not really all that strange was Claude's. The 'farm', for lack of a better word to describe it, had the same sense of peacefulness that Michael's did.
Besides that's where Katie was...
With her thoughts a small smile played on her lips. *Katrina Nicole...you've turned out better than I dreamed. I wish I could have introduced myself. But how would you react to me? Hi, I'm your mom, a trained assassin. Want to see my gun? Yeah real mother of the year material here folks. There's no denying she's mine though.*
Michael's voice played in her head. *"She's the image of you Nikita. You must have looked exactly like that as a child."*
*"I didn't have her temper."*
*"Yeah..I bet."*
*"No I didn't. I was a quiet child. The quieter I was, the more attention Momma paid to something or someone else. Also made the someone elses ignore me. No... quiet meant less pain and grief."*
*"What was life like for you as a child, Nikita?"*
*"What was yours like?"* She had snapped that question out at him but he hadn't seemed to notice.
That was when he started talking. He had been looking for a way to bring it up. To share a part of himself and she had given him the permission he was seeking. It had made her angry to hear about the pain that had been inflicted on him. It made her all that more aware of how similar they were. Maybe that was where some of the attraction and bond came from. The shared experiences. The unconscious knowledge that they really did understand each other. They just handled the things in completely opposite manners. He internalized, she externalized.
And now they seemed to be switching places. She wondered how Katie handled troubles. By the look of how she handled the older bigger boy, she externalized. Hopefully she would learn to temper that. She had to smile though. Katie looked like she was an angel but an angel who had a pretty strong set of wings. The ringing of the phone brought her out of her daydreams and wiped the smile from her face. Was there never any peace?
Couldn't they just stay away for a little while.
She got up and grabbed the phone. "Hello?" she said rather sharply. She was not overjoyed at the intrusion. She needed the time and privacy to shove the bad stuff in her head back away where it belonged.
The person on the other end sensed that she wanted to be left alone too. All she heard was the first syllable of her name and then the caller hung up. It had been enough for her to recognize who it was though. It was tough to miss that accent with the way he pronounced her name. Even from the little bit she had heard before he hung up. He was reaching out again. Slowly she hung up the phone and slipped her hand down the receiver. "I'll be there in a little while, Michael."
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Chapter 3
As soon as he hear her tone of voice, he abruptly hung up the phone. Michael could hear her annoyance and the fact she had been crying. He had disturbed her and he hadn't meant to do that. He knew she needed time too. He had wanted to apologize for her apartment only being half cleaned up. He had been distracted by the necklace and not finished what he had started. He'd intended to call housekeeping and see if they could surprise her. Other matters had taken precedent and he had forgotten about it. Slowly he set down the cell phone and leaned his head against the kitchen cabinet. * Shouldn't pull her into my troubles anyway. I need to deal with it on my own. I haven't needed anybody before. Why start now?*
The cabin was silent. Like a tomb, lifeless. Just like he felt. He had gone from being furious at Section to being completely depressed by the time he had pulled up out front. Now he could understand how she had felt when she tried to kill herself. It was dark and quiet. Nobody could hear or see you there. Nobody wanted to either. In darkness you didn't matter.
He went into the living room and flipped on the stereo. The C/D was a one he had borrowed from Birkhoff who was planning to give it to Nikita. He had thought that she would like it. It wasn't to Birkhoff's taste. The slow heavy music filled the cabin. In deep thought he walked to the doors in the alcove and pulled them open. The words and music followed him.
That I'm a man that's weak
And I'm a man that's lost
I gave it all away
To complicate the cost
Don't want to hurt you
I need to make you see
If I desert you
It's just to make you see
Not going to hurt you now
I need to make you see
If I desert you now
It's just to make you see
I want you to be free
I want you to be free from me
As he gazed out at the lake, he let his thoughts wander *....Free...to be free....someday...no more fear...no more pain...no more regrets...someday....* Her voice sounded in his head *'somedays don't come in the Section'* but they were his words. Thunder rumbled over the lake. He looked to the timberline in the west. Dark clouds were gathering and he could see the lightning. He leaned against the railing straight armed. The first fat raindrops began to fall and he felt them hit him in the head. He stood there letting the rain come down. Maybe it would wash some things clean. Deep down he doubted it.
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The storm had spent most of its fury as Nikita parked the car, though the rain still fell steadily. She dashed up the steps and into the cabin, letting herself in and resetting the security system after she closed the door. He had the stereo on loud and the wind from the storm was blowing in through the open doors in the alcove. She could just see half of him in the doors leaning against the railing and staring out over the choppy lake. By what she could see, he was soaked and his clothing plastered wetly to his body. Frowning, she scurried upstairs and pulled a towel out of the linen closet in the bathroom and went back downstairs.
Obviously he hadn't heard her entrance because he jumped as she laid the towel around his shoulders. "Come inside." She smiled at him but he didn't return it. His eyes were dull and lifeless. Slowly he shook his head.
"Please?" she asked softly. He looked like a man who had lost everything that had ever been important to him. Nikita pushed some of his wet hair out of his face and then caressed his damp cheek. "You're cold."
"Because there's... there's nothing inside." His voice was flat and husky. "Rien. Vide."
Tenderly and lightly she kissed him. His lips were cold as well. "Come on." She tugged on his arm until he followed her in. Inside, she closed the door and then propelled him to the stairs. "Go take a shower and lay down. I'll bring you up something to eat."
"Not hungry."
"Then you can watch me eat. I'm starved." She pointed to the stairs. "Now."
Not having the strength either emotionally or physically to protest, he sluggishly climbed the stairs. She watched him go up with a ache in her heart. Moving to the kitchen she was half tempted to turn down the stereo but the music sounded good so she left it alone. *I'll have to borrow this one* she thought absentmindedly as she entered it. Peeking in cabinets and humming to the music, she was able to find coffee beans and a grinder. Then she found a can of soup. She just wanted to get something hot in him and then make him get some sleep. He hadn't slept for 3 days that she knew of and lord knew how long since he had last eaten.
Nikita stopped what she was doing for a moment and listened, she couldn't hear the shower running. While the soup was heating up, she toured the kitchen a little. Opening one door near the bay window she found a small room that obviously had been meant as a child's bedroom. Everything was covered with sheets or still in the boxes. Sadly she closed the door. He hadn't ever been able to finish the room for Merle before...
Taking a deep breath to keep herself in control, she pushed a sliding wooden door. Stairs lead upwards, she followed them and realized they emptied into the loft. She went up only as far as her eyes could see into the sleeping area at the other end.
Michael sat on the bed with just a towel around him. His arms were propped up on his knees and he held his head in his hands. He was the image of misery. Biting her lip, she tried to keep the tears in check. It cut deeply to see how much pain he was in. Music drifted up from below.
Confess what you crave
A life without pain
You'd kill for the taste
But the hurt still remains
Still they don't know who you are
Just be still my emerald
I'll be waiting for you
Do exactly as you're told
I'll be waiting for you
Ashamed by the threats
You pierce the embrace
Afraid and alone
In a dark lonely place
Did you always want to be
Did they try to steal your soul
Did they hurt you with deceit
Can't you come in from the cold
Be still my emerald
I'll be waiting for you
As the last note of the song ended, the microwave buzzed, he heard it and looked up but she had already disappeared down the stairs. Michael sighed, he knew she had come up the back way from the kitchen and saw him sitting there. Pushing his hair out of his face, he looked up to the ceiling and took a deep breath. He had to fight his way through this. It wasn't fair to subject her to his mood. She had enough on her mind. She didn't need him, too. *Better get some clothes on*. But he didn't feel like moving. And before he knew it, she was there at the top of the stairs.
Carefully Nikita carried the two mugs over to the bed. She set them down on the nightstand and knelt down in front of him. "You know if I had a kitchen like yours I might be tempted to learn how to actually cook." Not getting any response, she lifted an eyebrow. "That was supposed to be funny. Funny means you laugh or at least half smile if it's a groaner." He shook his head. "OK work on humour. Got it." She offered the cup of soup.
"I'm not hungry Nikita. Just very tired. Please put it back over there." He pushed the mug towards the nightstand. Reluctantly, she did as he asked.
Impulsively she leaned up and kissed him. Once again he didn't return the kiss and she started to pull back , unsure of how to get past the brick wall of sadness he had put up.
"Don't let him win Michael. Don't let him break your spirit and take it away. I couldn't take that."
The need to feel close to her was suddenly more than he wanted to cope with. Michael reached out with both hands catching her face on either side. He leaned forward and kissed her roughly. Nikita felt him start to move backwards and followed, returning his kisses as he gave them. He laid back completely on the bed, pulling her along with him. His hands slid down over her back to pull the shirt from her waistband and slip up underneath.
Michael broke the kiss to explore her throat and shoulder. She moved so she could find the pulse in his throat, as she did his other hand slide around her ribcage to...
The ringing of the phone cut into her consciousness. She tried to pull away only to wind up being on the bottom now. They were both breathing rapidly.
She tried to push him off. "The phone..." she began as he cut her off with a deep hard kiss.
"Let it ring. They don't need us as much as I need you right now."
*Don't let him break your spirit...* He was walking along a narrow ledge and was very tempted to move over just enough so... even though the safety of those things familiar were just as close. Stay or take the temptation. Which was the right choice. Right now he was going to ignore both sides. He needed his anchor. Maybe through her he could find a way off and a way back.
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Nikita woke and realized that the sun had just recently set. The stereo had finally wound down and things were still. A smile spread across her face as she stretched and remembered her dream. They had been here with Katie and things were normal. No section, just them being a couple with a child. It was bliss...
"What is that Cheshire Cat smile for?"
She could hear the water in the shower. She opened one eye and saw him standing there and then looked over to his side of the bed. " I didn't even realize that you weren't in bed. How long have you been up?"
"I'm glad I wasn't. You might have thought I was a mouse or something and pounced on me. That kind of grin can really worry a person."
"Don't always depend on a grin to indicate that a pounce is imminent. I don't always warn. You didn't answer me."
"Only about 10 minutes. I've been standing here watching the sunset...and you sleeping."
"With my mouth hanging open and snoring...what a pretty sight." She pulled the pillow over her head. "Go away." She heard him start to laugh. That was a good sign. He pulled the pillow up so he could see her. She opened one eye.
"You weren't snoring but your mouth was open ... as usual." He let go of the pillow and moved quickly to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind him.
She got up and playfully kicked at the door. "Later you will pay." Then louder so he could hear, "YOU WILL PAY FOR THAT!"
"YEAH, I HOPE SO!!" he yelled over the water.
Shaking her head and pulling on the rest of her clothes, she heard her stomach protest its emptiness. "I .." She started to yell but then heard the water turn off. "Michael?"
"Yes...?"
"I going downstairs to make something to eat."
"Leave it in one piece please?" She narrowed her eyes at the closed door and made a face. "Smart ass!" With a little laugh, she happily skipped down the stairs. For some strange reason she actually felt at home...
And so did the man who sat in Michael's chair. Operations looked her up and down and then smiles. "Comfortable here? Been enjoying yourself?"
She stopped and regarded him, still half on the last step. Her good mood ran outside onto the deck. "He wouldn't let me answer it."
"It wasn't yours that rang. It was his. He ignored it. I don't like that." He stood and walked over to her. "Is he up there?"
"You know he is. You heard him. He's taking a shower and getting dressed." She pushed him backwards as he tried to brush her aside to go up the stairs. "I said he's getting dressed. Give him some privacy." She followed her shove with a hand held outwards, warning him back.
"My, isn't this something?" A malicious smile was on his face. Nikita wanted to wipe it off but didn't want to get Michael upset when he heard the ruckus from doing it. "Protecting your mate? This isn't going to last. It will end. And...."
"Back off!" She hissed at him through clenched teeth.
"Kita, it's all right! I'll handle it." Nikita looked over her shoulder as she felt Michael put his hand on it, absently rubbing his thumb against her jaw. She half turned, giving him a puzzled concerned look. A gentle smile quickly crossed his mouth as he moved past her and briefly brushed her lips.
"Yes, I am. Go get something to eat."
He shifted his attention from her to Operations. Michael had answered her unspoken question. He seemed back on an even keel, it was not only shown by his body language but his eyes. Deep down Nikita knew he was still reeling but for now he seemed to be in control. Well that would be until Operations started on him...with a heavy sigh she continued to the kitchen.
Michael motioned to the door that led the way to the deck. Operations walked past him and they went out onto the deck. It was still breezy but the rain had stopped. Only the lapping of the waves of the lake were apparent to Operations. He grudgingly had to admit Michael had been wise to request the cabin. It was the right place for him...but not for Nikita. This arrangement he had agreed to was letting them get a little too comfortable with each other. They were acting like a couple or something. But maybe that was going to be what was needed. He watched as Michael leaned against the railing, staring out at the dark lake. "You didn't answer your phone."
"I was busy."
"I don't care. You answer....
"It was in the middle of a private moment. I wasn't stopping to talk to you."
"I don't care if you're breathing your last...answer when I call."
Michael didn't bother to reply to Operations. He knew he wouldn't get anywhere. From behind him, he could just detect the sound of the sliding glass door in the kitchen in its track. He was a little annoyed that she was eavesdropping but knew it was only because she was worried. About him and what Operations might goad him into doing.
"I don't appreciate you playing house here. Section One is not the place for games."
He stood, *Games...you think this is a game..*."I'm not playing a game." Michael bit the words out at Operations. The man's declarations had irritated him. "This is my home. One of the very few parts of my life that doesn't seem to belong to Section One! I will not be told what I can do here." He had walked closer to Operations so that they literally stood toe to toe.
Operations had to admit some trepidation being this close to Michael. This was not the man who he had known for the past almost 15 years. This one glared at him with anger, and yes it looked like hate too. But there were other emotions in there too. That in itself was strange. Michael's eyes rarely reflected emotions back to the outside world. For the past few weeks, he had seen it a number of times. It was very much like a glacier had melted and now he could see the rubble it had scraped down in its travels.
He knew what had caused the change in Michael. He even understood it and emphasized with it. But he did not like it or agree with it. He would fight against any further evolution of Michael's personality. But somehow too he knew and was beginning to be forced to acknowledge the fact that he was fighting a losing battle. Just like he had with severing the bond between Michael and Nikita. Just like the other one. Yes the sleeping giant was awakening. The strength and intensity of the gaze on him brought him out of his thoughts. The harshly spoken words didn't hurt either.
"...have Nikita here with me to share time together...moments that are just between the two of us then that is my right. I refuse to allow you to interfere with us outside the confines of the Section. Not any more. Regardless of whether there is 'permission' or not." Michael could feel himself tensing for a physical fight. He had to walk away now before he did something to insure not only his cancellation but Nikita's too. Because he had no doubt that she would intercede. In what way he wasn't about to question. She would protect him just as he did her. Whatever was necessary to do it.
Nikita stood just outside the glass patio door, listening silently. She didn't trust Operations in the least. And as much as she hated to admit it, she didn't trust Michael's state of mind. She was worried about him. A lot.
He was dangerous right now. She even had a hard time feeling entirely comfortable with him. If he lost enough control, he could even turn on her. Though she hoped his feelings for her were strong enough that he wouldn't.
Operations was getting angrier than he had planned at Michael. Hell I didn't want to be mad at all! He pointed a finger at Michael's retreating back.
"Remember you work for ME and I call the shots, Michael! Your life private or otherwise is mine."
He whirled around. "You're wrong. I WORK NOT LIVE FOR YOU!!! Stay OUT of my private life!!! Damn it!! It's the only thing I can call my own!! I think!!! I CAN'T EVEN CALL MY MIND OR BODY MINE ANYMORE!!!! I DON'T KNOW WHO THE HELL I AM!! WHO IS MICHAEL? OR MAYBE IT'S MORE WHAT IS MICHAEL? TELL ME THE TRUTH OSCAR! DO YOU EVEN KNOW? YOU HELPED MAKE ME! GIVE ME A HINT! I NEED ONE!" Suddenly he threw himself in a chair. His voice once more pitched to its regular level "Just some time to relax. Get myself back together. Try to feel whole again. Time to put some of these ghosts back in the grave where they belong." The noise of a duck out on the lake caught Michael's attention. He glanced out to the thick darkness beyond the railing. The mask slipped into place, almost as if it was a physical thing. The fight was gone. Almost as if it hadn't existed just seconds before. Now Operations could see where Nikita's and Madeline's worry was. Mercurial, as Nikita had described him, was exactly right.
"Watch yourself Michael. You're on the edge. You're close to inactive status and not far from pushing me to put you on abeyance alert. Tread lightly." Operations cleared his throat. " That said..... Michael, I didn't come with the intention of us having words. I know you are going through an extremely difficult time. I wish I could say to take the time you need. But right now I don't have the luxury of time that we had a few months ago. I need you ready to do your job. I require it. Put your personal issues aside and do the job."
Michael turned his head to focus his steady cool green eyes on him. "Fine." The voice had lost its edge and was now his usual tone. Maybe even a little flatter than normal.
"I have some questions for you, Michael. Things I need answers to in light of recent events."
"Yes? What?"
"What do you know about Nikita's child?"
"That she died about 8 years ago. I'd rather not talk about it, especially where she might overhear. She was very upset when she got here. Let it rest for now. Besides, it bothers me to think about something like that in the first place. You know that. Leave it alone." If Operations could have heard Michael's thoughts, he probably would have cancelled him on the spot. * You think you're so on top of everything don't you? You'd die from the shock if you knew everything that was going on. But I'll make sure you never know. About everything or about Katie.*
"I .....Forget it for the time being.....My original reason for coming here was the microchip. They're requesting it ASAP. I want it on my desk by 8am."
Again the same tone and word, "Fine." And then he turned his head to look out at the now invisible but still audible water, effectively dismissing Operations and he knew it. With a frown and one more look at the silent figure in the chair, Operations turned and left. Nikita came out of the shadows. She stood next to him, watching him quietly. He ignored her, lost in his own thoughts.
"They both bought it Michael. They questioned me earlier. You did it. I'm grateful." She reached out to place her hand on his shoulder. First she felt the tightening and then the flinch as she touched him. Then his hand came up and brushed away hers. The rebuff stung but she refused to be angry at him. A feeling of loneliness came over her as she clenched her hand and turned, briefly closing her eyes. Wrapping her arms around herself, she slowly walked back to the kitchen door. He wanted space, she understood. But that understanding didn't come without hurt.
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The breeze had finally managed to chill him through. He got up and slowly walked back into the cabin. Nikita was curled up on the couch, asleep. Gently, he closed the door. She didn't stir as he watched her for a few moments. He went to the couch in the living room and grabbed the throw from it. Carefully, he covered her and gave her a small kiss on the side of her head. He smoothed some hair from her face, causing her to move away a little and settle further down into the cushions of the couch. In a whisper he said, "Thank you." And then he left.
End of Part 1
continue on to Bitter Refrain, Part 2
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