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Chapter 4
Michael seemed 'normal' as he entered Operations' office but there was still that other element. His eyes swept over the room, barely registering Operations' presence in the chair at his desk. He stopped shortly inside the room, as if ready to make a quick escape from those present. * Or because he doesn't like or, more aptly, trust us* Operations reflected. He lightly tapped a crystal case against his knee and studied Michael, trying to gauge his mood.
"You wanted to see me?" Michael asked in a neutral voice. Madeline motioned for him to come closer. He offered no reaction to her gesture. Obviously preferring to stand where he was instead of getting closer to Operations. *Like a petulant child*. She smiled at Operations as he stood, a slight smile on his own lips.
"I'll be back in just a few?" Operations asked Madeline
"Of course." She inclined her head and he walked past Michael as he left.
There was no indication that Michael even saw him leave, his eyes were steady on Madeline. After the door closed, Madeline turned her attention back to the quiet figure in front of her. "Yes I wanted to see you. Thank you for coming so promptly."
"You're welcome."
"So how are you, Michael?"
"I'm fine."
"Anything you wish to discuss or have help with regarding renewing your acquaintance with Philippe?"
"Nothing that I cannot deal with myself."
"I'm not so sure about that." Madeline slowly circled Michael as she paced the room. She looked at him from all directions, as if she was deciding if his placement in the room was correct. She gazed thoughtfully at him as she came around to face him. "Things have not been easy for you lately."
*Alright so what we are doing here? What are you looking for Madeline? To find the cracks in your handiwork? Got them covered for the moment. Looking for what's going on inside? Forget it. Neither you or he are ever getting close again*. "I'm fine. There is nothing to worry about."
"Keeping things bottled up inside is not a healthy way to deal with the things you have been experiencing. You need to rid yourself of some of what is in there."
"I have a number of things to work on. Was there something special you wanted to know? Or.." He turned as if to leave, there was too much to catch up on and sparring with her was not contributing to it getting done.
Madeline gave a small sigh. He paused as she started to speak. "I'm not really interested in cat and mouse games, Michael. I was genuinely concerned about you."
"I appreciate that. I'm fine however."
'Fine'; Madeline was getting a little irritated at that word. She decided to try a different tactic. "How is Nikita?"
"Fine, perhaps a little upset and worn out."
She bite her tongue at the urge to call him on it. "No signs yet as to an adverse reaction to her experiences with Perry?"
Michael finally shifted his full attention to Madeline, with a puzzled expression on his face. "Should I be looking for anything? I didn't feel that it was necessary. She appears all right to me."
"And the child?"
"Didn't I say she was a little upset?"
"Yes you did." Madeline leaned back against the wooden railing that ran along the window. "The entire sequence of events may cause her some stress and to react badly to certain situations. I know that there are times when she allows her emotions to take over where she should be using her head."
There was a brief frown on his face and a flicker of something in his eyes. So quick that Madeline almost doubted that she had actually seen something. Obviously Nikita had not talked to him about everything that had happened. Though with the demise of both men involved, was it really necessary at this point? From a command perspective, it could prove to be a performance factor that would have some bearing on a mission. From a relationship one, it might be wise to leave unsaid, especially considering Michael's dealings with events lately on an emotional level. However from either way, she felt that perhaps Nikita should be the one to inform Michael.
"I don't see a problem with that. She can and wants to admit to being human, unlike some of us." Michael paused for a moment. The comment she had made poked at his curiosity. "Madeline, are you going to tell me or must I talk to Nikita about whatever it is?"
Madeline smiled in her usual manner. "Perhaps Nikita would be the best to relate the events." She paused as if trying to consider the best way to phrase her next words. "How would you feel about a long term mission? Do you feel you're at a point you can handle it?"
"Long term?"
"Yes, you would be laying the groundwork for the profile you would be involved in. Time involved may be 1 to 2 months."
Michael's eyes flicked to the door as he answered. He felt an intense urge to run. Something he had never felt before. And then just like that it was gone. "Whatever is needed."
Madeline nodded with that smile in place again. "Good. I'm glad to hear it. How do you think Nikita will feel about it?"
"That's not a consideration." He turned and faced the window, slowly walking to it. He gripped the railing and stared out the window.
Madeline's face immediately hardened. He was not ready for this. She also knew that Nikita would not be ready for this. The chance of them suffering losses on this mission were going to be high. She was afraid though just how high would only be determined by playing it out.
There was no reaction from Michael as Operations briskly entered the room again. "Ready for the mission profile?"
Madeline smiled and answered for the both of them. "Yes, we're ready."
"Good. Michael?" Operations' voice demanded his attention. Michael turned ice cold silver green eyes on him. The older man had to suppress the shiver that threatened to run up his back. The eyes looking at him were dead and empty. He decided to go on anyway with what he had planned to say. He was ignoring the warning siren in his head. The situation was getting harder and harder to deal with.
"As I told you last night Michael, I was going to need you to put your personal issues aside and do your job. This world isn't a pleasant one and your job is to help get rid of some of that unpleasantness. We've asked you to do many things in the past that has required from you some sort of sacrifice. Once again, I am going to need that of you. I take it you will recall the Linsdons."
He waited for Michael's acknowledgment before he went on. After the brief nod, Operations went on. "We've rescinded the threat to Greg. He's out of hiding and openly active. You're going to meet him and get to know him. Become his best friend and confidante. The two of you share similar experiences, build on them. Once that rapport has been established, we will make an attempt on his home. You will repel the attack and hopefully this will be the catalyst for a trust to form between you two.
"Once that bond is created, you will have to convince him that he needs someone to provide him with personal protection. We will provide that person."
"Who?" Michael didn't like the sound of things at all. This was going to hurt. Operations looked over at Madeline. She picked up the thread.
"We plan on using Nikita."
"Nikita?" Michael felt that hole start to open again under his feet. He pushed away the need to check. He had to stop the feeling from welling up every time her name was mentioned in participating in a mission.
Madeline watched for his reaction. She knew there was one behind the blankness he portrayed. She watched his body; there was no indication of it there either. The control he exerted over his emotions was incredible. It was a frightening thing to see. Only one thing invoked the need for that much control...fear. But fear of what? The only answer she knew would fit was Nikita. The fear of once again losing the woman he was in love with and not being able to stop it.
Snapping out the words at him, Operations retorted, "You have doubts as to her ability to do the job?"
The voice that answered back had a slight edge, like a challenge to push the subject, "Have I ever?" That need to protect was dancing behind him and jumping up to look over his shoulder at Operations. He pushed it back. That need would not only jeopardize her but their relationship at the same time.
He knew she could do the job but did he want her to? That was where the question came up. Michael wanted her safe and alive no matter what happened to him. She had something to live for. Without her, he didn't. Katie deserved to be with her mother. It wasn't right for her to grow up without one available like Nikita had to do.
A frown crossed Madeline's face as she heard Operations' snort at Michael's response. Lately, it seemed like Operations was egging the younger man on, also. She would make it a point to call them on it and try to modify their behaviour. It was proving to be detrimental to their emotional as well as working relationship. "That's been one of your problems for a long time Michael. You don't know how to doubt her. It's a blindness with you."
It was time for the baiting between the two of them to stop. She had enough of their sniping. It was like watching two toddlers in a sandbox. Two very deadly toddlers. "We have a job to do here gentlemen. The squabbling ends now." Two pairs of eyes fixed on her. One cool and detached, unemotional but intense just the same. The other like steel, daring her to reprimand him again. He wasn't a child but the one in the throne of command. She handed him back his scepter. "The rest of the profile, Operations..."
"Of course Madeline..yes Michael, Nikita because she has the combination to pull off what we need her to do. You're well aware of her abilities...at least you seem to be." There was another barb. Madeline resisted the sudden urge to smack him in the back of the head.
"Her part will be to seduce Greg Linsdon. Make him believe they are in love and she would make an excellent mother for his child. Then you take them both away...he can have them back for information about his suppliers...names and locations."
Michael shifted back to looking out the glass. His hands were back on the railing, only this time white-knuckled. The control was slipping but he was refusing to give into whatever emotions Madeline knew had to be tumbling through him. He was the warden of his own prison, but the problem laid in the fact that he was also the only prisoner. Keeping himself so in check only ate away at what Nikita had been working on so hard to find and make whole again.
*I will not lose control. I can not lose control. Why, you son of a bitch? Why us? What are you trying to do me? Trying to find out how many parts I can fragment into?* "When does this start?"
"You leave at midnight. That gives you about 12 hours to prepare. I suggest you start by checking with Cornier. He's profiler on this."
Michael was out of the office before Operations finished saying 'start'.
Madeline looked over at him with a worried expression on her face. "No down time....they just came back. We are asking too much of them both. And Cornier prepared the profile? Unusual job for him? Isn't he scheduled to go to Kosoko in 12 as well?"
"He was available, I used him. Last time I looked I was the boss around here. I'm suppose to be the one calling the shoots. You've made that observation before about Michael and Nikita. Why do you feel you have to protect them both so much? They are able to take care of themselves. They're both well trained."
"As operatives...not as an emotionally bonded couple in this environment. That's why you had the rule to begin with. But we see how well it worked. Ripping into them the way you're planning could shatter them. Especially with this. Damn it, Oscar. There's got to be another tactic. If not, then we need to select other operatives. I can't condone this. There are too many issues involved here. Their bond, the past, the child each of them has lost...."
"As I told him, I expect the personal issues to be put aside and the job to be done. I don't care what the costs are. This job is their life. End of subject. Now, have you got the mentor/mentee pairings set?" Madeline nodded. "Good, why don't we sit and go over them in about 20 minutes. First, I've got some contacts to brief."
"As you wish." Inclining her head at him and obviously not pleased with the events so far, she quietly left him for the third time that day.
That was a good thing though. His whispered words to the empty room would have shocked her "Michael, Nikita, I'm sorry. One day maybe you'll be able to understand and forgive." He pulled a phone out of his pocket and punched in a number. "Yeah it's me. It's began. How's ......I understand.....Yes I saw the picture.....I know....It was very unsettling for me. I can't begin to imagine his full reaction.....he'll do the job....why am I so sure? Because he lets the past control him. He'll think he'll be able to fix a wrong......No I know it's not his to fix.....Nikita will be in place......she'll be ready as well.......yes it was fortunate we found out about the baby. I don't want to do it but I have to play on her grief as well.....No! I don't like it! .....You're right.......for the future......I'll call then.....yes, my promise will be kept."
Reluctantly he hung up the phone and watched Michael stalk across the Ops center. "For our futures, Michael."
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He stood stiff and silent in the darkened room. The darkness was a blanket smothering the emotions threatening to spill over his defenses and explode into reality. The Section One machine man was at war with the man who felt. The two sides that before had fit inside so well were both now fighting to be dominant.
*My life is just one big repeat. Same things happen constantly. I keep saying the same things over and over again to myself. But nothing seems to change. I'm like the refrain of a song that gets played over and over again. I'm played! What a perfect description. But it's only fitting, isn't it?...... Nothing gets to have nothing. Nothing perpetuates nothingness. I can hold onto something just so long before it slips through my fingers and spins away from me.* With a vicious kick Michael sent the chair in front of his desk sailing across the room. It careened into the wall and then fell over. He went around the desk, stopping behind his own chair and dug his fingers into the back, trying to keep the clamp down on his raging emotions.
"How can you think of making us do this, Operations? Do you have any concept of how she feels about what you made her do? How she will what you want her to do? How I feel about what she will have to do? This is insane." Michael started to tremble, the clamp was loosening. Images began to flash through his head. Scenes of Nikita hurt and crying, his parents young and just before they were killed, his own hand holding the gun were joined by screams and half remembered words and sentences. His memories were quickly overwhelming the control he struggled to maintain.
The sight of her in the arms of Chandler and then Gray. Jurgen's easy smile at her and then that malicious smile and that look he would catch Operations giving her behind her back he thought no one else ever saw. Everything overplayed by the sound of L' Araigne's voice and his laugh. He could hear Merle's crying and then Simone's matter of fact voice as she told him about the baby... the violent sounds of explosion. The dream like image of four graves side by side and not being able to get close to them. Each one with a headstone he couldn't quite read. All the while feelings of guilt, pain, being powerless, raw raging anger and even fear consuming everything inside of him.
He felt his knees start to buckle as L' Araigne's words continue to flow into his memory..* No one has ever wanted you Michael...I took you in because I pitied the weak little fool you were. Remember, no one has ever loved you so why should you love in return? It's a worthless thing to do. Feelings are all worthless. You feel then you hurt. And that's all you do, you feel!* The sound of the blow seemed to echo in the room. He flinched, experiencing it all over again. He kept trying to pull away from the memories but they kept snapping him back to peer at them again.
He remembered trying to fend off the blows from the open hands and the fists. And the pain from the words which hurt even more than the beating. *See what happens when you feel!!! Pain! Give it up! Stop resisting! Be a man, you little coward! Find the backbone to be something more than a little quivering mass of flesh and tears. You're worthless!! Weak!! Incompetent!! No wonder your parents didn't want you!! Tossing you aside was the right thing to do. Why waste time on you? You're absolutely nothing. A big empty nothing....* His fingers dug in deeper, almost tearing the fabric. Then that laughter again...
"YOU'RE DEAD, YOU BASTARD!!! STAY OUT OF MY LIFE!!! GO TO HELL WHERE YOU BELONG AND LEAVE ME ALONE!!!! STOP YOUR GOD DAMN LAUGHING!!! STOP IT!!!!! GET AWAY FROM ME!!!
With strangled sounds of grief, anger and hate; he started to swing the chair at the wall. No matter how hard he hit, he couldn't get the laughter to stop. No matter how hard he hit back, the blows kept coming. The legs snapped off. He dropped the seat and started slamming the legs against the wall. Tears started to fall as he tried harder and harder to stop the sounds. They wouldn't stop. Suddenly he felt arms around his waist, clutching the front of his shirt; pulling him from the wall and a voice begging him to stop.
He dropped the metal from his hands as pain started stabbing at his temples. Michael's legs lost their strength and he sunk to the floor. The arms still encircled him and he could hear the voice trying to soothe him but he wasn't able to reach it. "NO!!!" he screamed as he doubled over to pound at the floor with his hands. It just wouldn't stop.. the words, the faces, the laughter wouldn't stop...it had to stop!!! Pain was in and outside of him, in his head and in his chest. It was wrapped around him and trying to cut him off from reality.
Michael felt someone grab his face and pull it up. He forced his eyes from the spectacle exploding inside to see what was going to torture him from without. All he saw was blue eyes that were soaked with tears just like his own. Somehow he knew it was her, the only part of him that was something. He could feel a stirring deep down. His inside was reaching out to her, fighting towards what she was to him. * Mon coeur...mon ame..*.
He knew that Nikita felt her heart was starting to break. He was hurting so much and she didn't know how to make it better. She didn't know how to make it stop. Seeing the faint recognition in his eyes, she kissed his trembling lips. With a moan, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close.
Michael buried his face in her neck. Nikita slid her own arms around him, holding him tight. Holding her made the sounds very far away. It was like she was a shield from them for him. Through Nikita, he knew he could find the peace and forgiveness...*.is that what I need, forgiveness?...... forgiving is healing. Michael, forgive yourself.* Words that she had said to him back at the cabin weeks ago strained to be heard over the pain inside. *If I forgive does that mean I can forget? To get rid of it I have to let it go...HOW? Letting go without losing myself..* ."I need..you...don't let...me go...don't...leave me." His voice was hoarse and his breathing ragged.
Gently she smoothed the hair on the back of his head over and over. Then she started to rock him back and forth, comforting him as she would have a child. He sagged against her and gradually he relaxed so that she was able to sit. They stayed like that for several minutes before he started to speak.
"I'm sorry. If I'd known..." He pulled away and got to his feet, walking away from her.
Taking a deep breath, she got up. "I talked to Madeline. If this is about the mission..."
He spun around on one foot, the anger renewed. "How can you be so calm about this? Look at what we have to do."
The expression in her eyes and face was one of sadness and something similar to resignation. "What are we going to do? There's only so much we can fight against. I don't think this is one of them."
"What is going on with you? Have we changed sides or what?" Michael was beginning to wonder if he was in the middle of a dream. He wasn't sure if he should believe his ears or not.
Her next words were harsh and fiercely spoken but he couldn't deny the truth behind them either. "What the hell do you expect me to do then? Lose you? I'm this close to that anyway. I'm not going to do anything to push you further."
"Push me FURTHER!!???"
"Yes, push you further. Completely to the edge. Or risk access to our daughter!"
He grabbed her arm in warning. "They'll hear you! Watch what you're saying!"
She tried to pull away but his grip was tight. "You've got the system on! Or have they figured out how to bypass that too?" He shook his head. "Then calm down for a few minutes and hear me out. Please give me some of the same understanding that I've been giving you." He let go and backed away. Michael felt Nikita's eyes as he made the unconscious gesture of pushing hair behind one of his ears. He was reaching for control of himself as he tried to control the hair. His other arm hung down but indicated his nervousness by the thumb tapping on the side of his leg.
He knew Nikita was trying to keep her own voice calm and even. He knew her stomach was in knots and the tight band of a headache was threatening. The signs were obvious on her face. If she stayed on an even keel though, it would go away and he would calm down more. The temper he had was frightening. It even scared him. It was just as frightening to her as this mission they had come up with. Michael was well aware that she couldn't help but feel that this whole situation was Operations' fault. And they were paying the price for his poor lack of judgement.
"OK, this whole mess is because he didn't think things through completely a couple of weeks ago. Yes, we are paying the price for that poor decision. Yes, it is unfair and yes, I think before you have bring the argument up that he is testing us. We have to be able to do our 'job' and maintain our relationship at the same time. There maybe times when we are away from each for periods of time involved in situations we do not want the other anywhere near. But if we want to be able to be together, we have to do the job, Michael."
She turned her back to him and pulled her hands up through her hair. "This is like too eerie. Here I am using the same kind of argument I usually hear from you. Why am I in your role, Michael? What am I the teacher now and you're the student?"
Michael looked at her in shocked disbelief. How could she be so calm, so collected? It was as if she didn't care. What was going on? The world seemed to be tilted in the wrong direction or was it him? He had never seen her so detached and reasonable. * Damn it! She's accepting this like it was an ordinary mission. Have I truly lost my mind? Has Operations finally got the last part of me he needed to completely make me a shadow? *
Nikita shrugged and gave him a cocky grin as she turned back around to look at him. "Besides, this might be fun. You know as they say, 'absence makes the heart grow fonder'. You'll have time away from here. Who knows maybe you'll even have time to relax. Wouldn't that be nice?"
"Nice? Time to relax? Nikita, are you listening to yourself?" Utter shock was written visibly on Michael's face, almost to the point of his mouth hanging open. This was not normal for Nikita, something was terribly wrong with her. He knew how she felt about this kind of mission, how she loathed it. Especially with the people this was dealing with. * She should be practically ballistic by now! What in God's name is going on with her? What could have happened that would possibly make her act like this? *
Perhaps Operations was behind this. By manipulating her actions, he could control Michael's. Was that the plan here? Was that the cause of this performance? Had the bastard found out that Katie was really still alive and was using her as a means of pressuring Nikita? The tables had changed into a 'if he failed, she failed' mode somewhere along the line. Would Operations be ruthless enough to use Katie like that? * Would he do that to our daughter?*
Instantly Michael caught himself at that thought. * Our daughter? She just said that too. Where did that come from?* He wiped the back of his hand across his lips and knitted his brows together as he studied her. She lifted a questioning eyebrow at him and tilted her head to the side. Then he felt a hand on his shoulder and heard someone say his name. He started to turn around and realized he was sitting in his chair behind his desk. Birkhoff was talking to him, Nikita was no where to be seen and the chair was in one piece.
"Did you hear anything I said, Michael?"
He rubbed his forehead and exhaled loudly. "No. Was I asleep?"
Birkhoff gave him a strange look. "Yeah, I think so because you seemed to be talking to someone and it wasn't fitting with what I said to you. That's when I touched your shoulder. You were looking right at me but kinda through me at the same time." He laughed. "I've heard of people sleeping with their eyes open but that's the first time I've ever seen it. It's kinda freaky."
Michael pushed him back as he stood up. "Glad to provide the experience....was I alone in here?"
"Yeah."
"Is Nikita here?"
"No, she's not due in for 5 or 6 more hours. Why?"
"I couldn't....never mind. Anyway, what did you want?"
"Operations wants to see you about a couple of things before you go."
"I'll be right there." Birkhoff started to leave but paused at the door and looked back. Michael stood now in the center of the room. He still seemed disoriented or maybe confused was the right word for it. He had certainly spooked Birkhoff and now he was making him feel worried. But he had learned his lesson before, don't question Michael about how he was feeling. All it did was get your head bit off. With a quick eye roll, he was out the door.
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Chapter 5
Darcie sat in Madeline's empty office. To say she was nervous sitting there alone was an understatement. First of all, she hated to stay in any one place for too long, sitting was included, it meant you belonged there and Darcie knew she certainly never did that. Second, too long in one spot made you a target and she was never going to be one of those again. She started to change position but then decided to get up all together. As she finished standing up, the door to the office slide open and Nikita entered.
As soon as the door opened, Nikita saw how nervous Darcie was. She couldn't suppress the smile as the door slide closed behind her and narrowed deep blue eyes focused on her. "Hello Darcie."
"What's the smile for?" Darcie was cautious. Smiles were a sign of danger. They were used to cover the truth of what the person was really up. She hated to think that Nikita was like that but it was an reaction that went deep into her. She was unable to help it. She didn't know any of them well enough yet to be able to tell the feeling to go away. Even though something told her to trust the person in front of her.
"You're so nervous I'm expecting your head to jump off your body and run in the opposite direction your body goes in. Relax, sit down. Madeline will be here in a minute."
"So the royal summons is for the shoe to drop, huh? They call it cancellation right? You picked Elena and now you get to pick how I leave?"
Nikita frowned a little. She didn't like the assumption that the girl made or the attitude that she was projecting. "Sit down Darcie. Now." The smile had left Nikita's face and was replaced by a set jaw and compressed lips. She didn't need it on top of everything with Michael and the rest of what was tumbling around inside too.
Darcie thought about challenging the blonde in front of her but pushed the idea away. Nikita packed a mean punch. She could still feel the last one. Nothing was left to show of it but the wound to her pride was still fresh. With a huff she sat as the door opened again. Madeline entered and coolly surveyed the other two women.
Silently, she placed a dark PDA on her desk and settled into her chair. Nikita knitted her brows together as she watched Madeline. Something was wrong with her but Nikita couldn't determine just what it was. She was tempted to ask but hesitated with Darcie in the room. Some Section matters were not meant for 'recruits'. She smirked inwardly at the idea. There were a lot of Section matters that weren't meant everyone, just for Operations and Madeline. She'd learned that quite well from having been on the receiving end of those 'matters' more times than she had wanted to be.
Madeline remained silent as she studied both Nikita and Darcie. Operations had not been pleased with some of the pairings. In fact lately he was not happy about a lot of things. And the effort it took to not respond in a negative matter was beginning to get to her. Pressure had never been a problem for her to deal with. But now...it was irritating her and wearing her down. She knew that circles were starting to form under her eyes the same way there lately seemed to be constantly under Michael's and Nikita's. Maybe she should ask for some time away....
Taking a deep breath, she began. "Thank you both for being on time. Please pardon my lack of the same kind of promptness. Let me start right in. In the past, the Section has always deemed it a personal responsibility to pair a recruit with a mentor. We have had a great number of successes with that method. But with time.. inevitably comes change. Darcie you are in a pilot group, so to say, that is experiencing this pairing in a new matter. Nikita can you please tell Darcie about the ideas you were developing with Martina in Israel?"
"Of course...I noticed a trend in many of the pairings and brought it to Martina's attention while I was working there. Too often there were strong personality problems because the mentor and mentee were complete opposites. And other times, they were too similar. I made suggestions as to how to remedy the situation. Let the trainer pick. That way mistakes can be reduced."
Madeline half smiled, "Perhaps eliminated. In view of this change, I had Nikita choose two recruits she might be interested in. She chose Elena and you. As the result of the interview, you were her selection. You will work with Nikita during the rest of your training. She will evaluate you at each interim and decide if you have progressed satisfactorily or not. I warn you trainers are allowed to impose or reward as they see fit. We on the command level rarely interfere unless what is done is not within the best interests of the Section. Do you agree Nikita?"
Taking a deep breath, Nikita paused before she answered, holding her eyes steady on Madeline. There was a warning for her in those words. She knew they were allowing her to sink or swim. It was necessary for her to apply what she had learned in order to turn Darcie into a successful operative. The unspoken rule was nevertheless said clearly - a failure for either meant cancellation for both. Only the absolute best made it. There were no exceptions.
In an even tone, Nikita replied, "I do, to a point." A brief bit of anger flitted through Madeline's eyes. But it wasn't quick enough for Nikita to miss. She knew it would be a point of discussion and reprimand later. Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Darcie sitting in the chair stiff and silent. Her mouth clasped tightly shut and her eyes fixed on a spot of reflected light in the middle of Madeline's desk. The young girl looked terrified and full of rage at the same time.
Thoughts raced through Darcie's head. What she had hoped for deep down but was horribly afraid of also had happened. She had been accepted. She was going to be part of a group, a team. She was actually going to belong someplace. When was the last time she had known that feeling? Really belonging....God how long it had been? Her head came up and she turned to look at Nikita. "Why me?"
Nikita had been ready for the question. She knew it was coming and had the answer out before Darcie's words died away. "So you don't have to suffer the same pains and regrets over mis-takes that I have. You're going to get a fair chance. Not the way I had to go through it. As I still have to go through it." As she finished speaking, her eyes went back to Madeline. There she said it, it had been sitting in there for a while. It felt good to get out. * Now deal with it Madeline.*
Madeline didn't smile. She remained cool and aloof on the outside. Inside she was upset. Some of Nikita's self protective shell was showing signs of developing cracks. But she was challenging Madeline too. For what reason now she was unsure. It was almost as if something was driving her to protect the young recruit. Much the same as Michael had and still protected her. But what was the reason behind it? She knew what drove Michael. But there was actually a different fuel feeding the fire in Nikita now. Had Operations triggered the mothering instinct in her with the hit on Linsdon's wife and the flippant way of showing her the news about her daughter? Or did she feel that to deal with another operative as she was once herself create the need to make up for the mistakes of the past?
She could only imagine right now what was propelling her best female operative sitting in front of her desk. Many stressful things had happened to her recently. They represented a lot of emotional upheaval. Regret over events in Israel, memories of her own child, the guilt over making another one motherless, added responsibilities with in the Section, the new pressure of the relationship between her and Michael and the additional load of dealing with what he had been experiencing. Each one had the power and weight to smother a person on its own. Nikita was dealing with them all at once. It showed her strength but also the soft spots in it.
Thus, of course, it was only natural for her to start to seek a way to release some of what was going on inside. To act out at the person she thought was causing or could cause her more problems. And now to add the upcoming mission on top...the added weight was going to crush something.
What was it going to be? Her spirit? Her heart? The things that drew Michael and at this point were what was keeping him going. Or even the bond that was between them? If they lost Nikita, Michael was just the next step behind her.
Dreading where that train of thought would lead to, Madeline pulled away from it. She didn't want to even contemplate that happening. Better to finish this, get Darcie out of the office and deal with Nikita as soon as possible. Maybe a little externalization of her emotion here in the confines of the office would fend off a later blowup. "Interesting answer, Nikita. We'll have to explore that together."
She smiled at Darcie. That Madeline type of smile that was always a warning to Nikita but one that she knew Darcie would not yet recognize. Yet she saw the tightening of Darcie's back though as the young girl eyed Madeline. The same reaction she had when Nikita had smiled at her earlier. * She doesn't trust anyone....that's good and bad....I'll need to work on that...I know there's something there though....she trusted enough to send Michael to me after my fight with Operations...what pushed her to act and will I be able to use it again?*
Madeline's words broke into her retrospection. "I'm sure that Nikita would like to get started on some activities right away. Am I correct?"
Nikita nodded. "Yes. Darcie, I have Birkhoff getting some SIMs ready for you. You're going to run through them first by yourself. Then I'll look over the scores and we work on it together from there. Let's go get you started." She stood and almost reluctantly Darcie stood too.
"I want to talk to you first Nikita. Darcie, report to the SIM room and Nikita will meet you there later."
"All right." With her head lowered, Darcie quickly exited. Nikita stiffened and brought herself to her full height as she watched Madeline who followed the girl's leaving closely. Her scrutiny made Madeline turned her attention back to Nikita.
"Yes, Nikita?"
"What's the look for?"
A genuine but weary smile lit Madeline's face. "Just remembering what you were like when you first came here and what you've become and accomplished. You've come further than I expected. I'm proud of you."
Nikita dropped into the chair, her eyes wide in shock. "You're proud of me?"
"I don't think you recognized your own potential. At first I certainly didn't. In many ways, you still don't. Somehow Michael did. He looked under the cover while I just looked at the outside. I've learned to take nothing at face value with you. I thought you were going to be easy to figure out and control. I have since changed my way of thinking. You had yourself very well hidden. Parts of you still are. You continue to surprise me just as Michael does. There is always another piece to each of you. I wonder if you even know how many yourself."
*Proud of me? How .... geesh Madeline what are you trying here? You playing with my head and I don't like it! You're not proud of me. I'm not proud of myself....more like I'm ashamed. I'm nothing I want my daughter to know about...hell I don't even want my mother to know...though maybe it would sure her right....yeah right....probably would crack her up....*
"I know you don't believe me, Nikita. I assume that you are having trouble figuring out how and why. Just as it is hard for you to understand why I feel this way, it would be difficult for me to explain myself. I'm not quite sure of the words to use and be accurate in I would be trying to relate to you."
Exhaling loudly, Nikita looked down at the floor before her feet. The air in the room felt strange, almost heavy. * Madeline was trying to get close and be friendly? Not likely, not her style. No, she is trying to manipulate me. But for what...* What did they need now that they knew she wouldn't like? Nikita pulled her defenses up. She resisted the urge to wrap her arms around herself so she resorted to words. They worked as well if not better sometimes. "Madeline, you speechless? Will miracles never cease?" She added a short laugh for extra effect.
A frown formed on Madeline's face. The remark stung. She was attempting to build a bridge to Nikita and the young woman was pushing her over the side.
"That's the second sarcastic comment you've made since you came in here. Why challenge me, Nikita? I thought after what we've recently been through we had gotten passed the adversarial positioning. Especially in light..."
Nikita interrupted Madeline, her tone bitter and strained. "Do you think a few friendly overtures are going to wipe away what's happened in the past?"
Madeline sighed. Nikita was right. She was the first who was willing to admit that mistakes had been made as to how situations were handled. But that was only an admission to herself. She would never acknowledge its existence to anyone else. Not even Oscar. She fixed Nikita with a probing look. Her words were soft.
"Have you ever thought about just dealing with the present? The past is behind us. We can't change it. It's fixed and we can only say yes it happened and deal with it. As for the future, we can only wait and hope that it will happen. One never really knows until it happens if there will be a tomorrow."
"Feeling fatalistic, Madeline?"
"No just rational. Someone around here has to be."
"Guess what? I'm going to make you feel a little better. I agree with you about the future. I hope that tomorrow will be better than today....I wish to heaven it will be different. As for the past, some of us can't deal with it. What we thought was truth was a lie; a lie the cruel truth. The dead from the past won't stay buried like they were supposed to."
In an uncharacteristic display of pique, Madeline snapped back, "Then maybe you neglected to bury them deep enough." Nikita blinked in reaction to the remark as Madeline visibly pulled herself away from her anger and pushed it aside with another sigh. "Do you ever get tired of baiting me?"
"Tired? I'm tired period, Madeline. Tired of all this. Sick of trying to keep it together lately. Of being the strong one for him....I'm not strong. Pulling him back together is pulling me apart. Tired of Operations shoving my face into the dirt every chance he gets..."
"Then stop fighting him and everything else. Become more accepting."
Nikita stood and moved to the other side of the room. She was getting agitated and defensive. She wasn't about to accept anything but did she really have that choice? No, but she wanted to hold onto the illusion that she did for as long as she could. "Stop fighting? Become more accepting? Tell me how to do that when I'm been fighting my whole life? I don't know how to stop. I only know one way. I never was taught any other way."
"Then you really haven't paid as much attention to Michael and what he's been trying to teach you all this time."
"Oh and I see what acceptance has gotten him. Just about all he has inside ripped out and tossed in the trash heap. He's been, oh... so.... accepting lately too, hasn't he? Rightttt... No, Madeline, I want normalcy. Someday I'll have it. Somehow..." Her voice trailed off as she stared at the floor between her feet. It seemed a long way down to the floor but not as far as it seemed to someday. But as long as she hoped for tomorrow then maybe someday could have some of it. Somehow away from the stench of Section One. Someday maybe with Michael and Katie. At those thoughts, fears pricked at her, saying it was all going to be a failure. She forced the fears and the thoughts away, behind the curtain in the back of her mind.
"A Section One operative doesn't know what normalcy is, Nikita. We don't exist in a normal world nor can we afford the luxuries it has. We have to do our jobs so that others can have those luxuries. We only have the right to experience it through our interaction with them. We can't possess it."
Nikita started to laugh. If she didn't she knew she was going to start crying. "We're not guardian angels. We're people. We feel and we hurt. We're not above everyone else. We're the same. We're just like everyone else."
"No, we're not like everyone else. Is everyone else a former street person who gave her daughter away to strangers and then winded up in prison with a life sentence for a capital crime? Is everyone else an abused child who was brainwashed to kill his parents and lose everything important in his life? Is everyone else a person who in a fit of juvenile anger threw her sister down the stairs and then lied about it as she watched her sister die while whimpering for help? No I don't think so. We're not normal. We never were...we never can be."
Nikita placed her hands on Madeline's desk and leaned down to whisper at her. "That's your right. That's your perspective. I don't share it. I refuse to. I've got something to live for Madeline. Maybe you need to look for something too. I think you need it."
"What do you have 'to live for' Nikita? A future with Michael? I don't know about that. To get to the future you need to be finished with the past and ready to leave the present. He isn't the best example of that, is he? Or perhaps it is something else. How true is it about your daughter? Did you convince Michael or maybe Birkhoff to alter records for you? Is she still alive?"
This time the tears really did start to fall. The remark about Michael had hurt. His problems were the result of their manipulations but there was blame for him there too. That admission needled at her too. He didn't need anymore guilt. And to make it worse, she felt she deserved a good portion of the blame he had hoisted up on his shoulders.
Madeline was also too close to the truth and Nikita felt a strong wave of fear. She had to make this act believable. Once again she was resorting to lying. The bad smell was starting to seep into her. But she couldn't destroy everything Michael had worked so hard to accomplish. "More than anything else in my life, I wish she still was. Even better, I wish I was with her." At that, she turned and strode out of the office.
Madeline sat still at her desk. "Do I believe you or not? I don't know. You're gotten too good at lying and hiding things. Almost as good as me."
As the door closed behind her, Nikita swiftly wiped the tears away, packing up her act. She compressed her lips together. Her eyes and face hardening. She wasn't lying either. She really wished she was with Katie. She closed her eyes and drew in a deep breathe which she slowly released. Madeline had been digging the whole conversation. Nikita felt that fear still growing inside. A fear that Madeline knew everything and was just waiting for the most opportune time to use it.
Madeline sat down in her chair with a heavy sigh. She tapped the dark PDA on her desk. Things were starting to build around the Section. She could feel the tension, the anger and the animosity getting thicker and thicker. She was only one person and the elaborate tapestry that was Section One had more threads at the moment than she was able to keep from tangling. There was a knot where Michael, Nikita and their children were involved. Then there was the mess between Operations and Michael with Nikita suffering blows from both sides. Those she could work on; she knew where to pull and when, most of the time.
But the intel she had been given disturbed her to no end. They had feared a connection between the massacre ..... *I can call it nothing less!* .......of Martina's unit in Israel and some part of the Agency. What she had on the hand held device was more evidence pointing in that direction. The people who were in those directions frightened her. And that fear stroked cold fingers over her heart, Operations and George were involved.
In an uncharacteristic show of anger, she flung the electronic specter across the room. It ricocheted against the wall and fell to the floor in pieces. She placed an arm against her stomach. Nausea rose in her throat and her eyes began to sting. She dropped her face into her other hand and let the tears come. This time the hurt and betrayal were too strong to conceal.
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"Again!" Nikita's words sounded hollow in the SIM room. A sigh of exasperation came from Darcie as she waited for it to start again. They'd been at re-dos for over 2 hours now and she had about had it. Nikita wasn't pleased either. She was already peeved when she came in to see Darcie lounging against the wall and the SIM running without any work being done.
After looking at the scores, she had realized that Darcie hadn't even complete half of the exercises. And what she was doing now was not even close to working at improving her previous attempts. "CUT IT!" she yelled above the sounds in the room. "Run Sequence 8, Level 8. NOW!" It was time to teach Darcie a little bit about life in Section One...similar to the way Michael had taught her. He hadn't been quite so mean about it but she also didn't have the lackadaisical attitude that Darcie had either.
Darcie lasted about 90 seconds into the SIM before she threw herself to the floor and covered her head. Nikita shook her head and yelled out "END!" She moved from her position against the wall to the sphere. Darcie was on her feet tearing off the helmet. She threw it hard at Nikita who caught it neatly.
"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT FOR?" she screamed at Nikita.
"A warning. They don't let you off easy out there. I don't in here. Work, Darcie. Learn. That way you'll live. Watch." She grabbed the gun from Darcie's hand and looked upwards. "Run the last one again." she said as she stepped in sphere. Darcie watched as the SIM ran. She had to admit amazement at how Nikita completed it. But she noticed with a smirk that her 'buddy's' score wasn't perfect.
As Nikita stepped out again and pulled off the helmet. She noticed the smirk on Darcie's face. "Yeah?"
"Not a perfect score. Awww...."
Nikita looked at her calmly. "Wasn't trying for one. Look at this." She punched up a schematic on the vid screen on the hull of the sphere. "Look at the layout of hits on me compared to you." Tapping the screen she pointed out, "All vulnerable deadly hits on you...me thigh, hand, shoulder blade. I can defend myself. I can complete the mission. I live. You're dead. Welcome to body bag central." She tossed the helmet back at Darcie and started to walk away. "50% improvement on your scores before you leave here. I'll be checking on you." The door slid shut behind her with an audible thud.
Darcie stared at the schematic. The girl was good. And also right. As much as she didn't want to say it, she wanted to make Nikita, well, proud of her. Especially after the look she had come in wearing. She had, for a moment, looked lost and frightened; unsure of which direction to take. It had quickly vanished though. With a sigh she pulled the helmet back on. "OK!" she yelled to the ceiling. Time to try it again.
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Birkhoff sat alone in Systems; things at the moment were peaceful and calm. He sensed someone behind him and looked up as that someone put their chin on top of his head.
"What'cha up to?" Nikita asked as she tried to make sense of the long lines of gibberish Birkhoff had typed onto the screen.
Unable to look at her from the position he was in, he answered her as he kept keying. "Reconfiguring the subsystem security protocols on the agency SATS."
"Why?"
With a sigh he replied, "Because that's how Bauer got to you guys at the amusement park. I overlooked the chance of that happening. I'm sorry."
"It wasn't your fault. You couldn't have predicted it happening." She stood, hands on her hips. Her eyes were darkened with memories she wanted to just lock away. Not only the ones from the park but those from later on.
"I didn't do my job right, Nikita."
"You're human."
"Not an excuse."
Nikita made a face behind his back and then rubbed her knuckles into his head. "Lighten up, little bro."
Birkhoff's hands went up over his head to fend her off. "Ouch! That hurts! Knock it off!"
Good-naturedly she smacked him back. "Cry baby! Hey, where's Michael hiding? I need help with this mentor thing."
"Not here." Nikita stepped back as he spun around to look at her.
"What do you mean?" Nikita was instantly wary. Something told her that her pleas for downtime for Michael had been ignored. *I should have saved my breath. It was a waste of time. They had already made their decision. Why'd they bother?*
"He left at midnight and he's not going to be in real time contact for awhile. Won't be until he completes the sequence he's on. Maybe a month ...maybe longer."
Nikita started to gag for a moment. "A month or more?" she repeated softly. "Where was he sent?"
"Your guess is as good as mine, Nikita. Only Operations knows. And before you ask me, I can't give you any info. The profile's sealed. I already tried to look because of the way he blew out of here when he was notified transport was ready. Damn near broke his office door."
"Did he say anything to you?"
"No and the way he looked, I wasn't going to ask. I like my head right where it is."
"Thanks Birkhoff." She offered him a not quite smile and turned back the way she had come. Suddenly she felt very alone. Nikita tried to slow down her heartbeat. It was skipping wildly in her chest. She had wanted to talk to Michael. Not so much about the mentoring thing. That was really secondary. She had been toying with the idea for a day or two.
He had said something a while ago about her relationship with Taylor. The incident with Bauer only brought those feelings from the past closer to the surface. Since he wasn't there now, they would just have to be buried again. It was stupid to even talk to him about them anyway. They were better left alone...allowed to fade into the background. Fade into blackness where they belonged anyway. That way they couldn't have the power to hurt anymore.
End of Part 2
continue on to Bitter Refrain, Part 3
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