“The Caterers” was completed in Madrid, November 2000
COPYRIGHTÓSimon
Patrick McSweeney 31
Brown Avenue, Ascot Vale 3032
Victoria, Australia
and COPYRIGHTÓPaul David Adkin Avenida Manzanares 96, 1ºD 28019 Madrid, Spain
Email: nikdaski@wanadoo .es
Madrid, November,2000
THE CATERERS
A
farcical film
From
an original idea by Simon Mc Sweeney
Developed
by:
Simon
Mc Sweeney
&
Paul
Adkin
AGW M 1646
NB: The writers would also like to
acknowledge the original contribution of John Weldon.
1.
EXT ROADSIDE 3:OO AM.
It
is raining, a van in the distance, under a dim light. The words PRIMO’S
CATERING are written on the side of the van. Footsteps can be heard
approaching. Two men appear in the misty rain. One of the men, DUMB, is smoking
a cigar. The two men stand at the bottom of the steps of the van.
PRIMO
is on his hands and knees fixing a hissing gas bottle inside the back of the
van. His back is to the door of the van. He is whistling to himself.
DUMB
blows smoke from the cigar through the door of PRIMO’s van.
PRIMO is busily cleaning when he sniffs a whiff of cigar
smoke. He turns around to see DUMB enter the van. DUMB steps to one side,
revealing VERSACE who is looking dapper in his silk rayon shirt. We see a great
example of how the water beads off the shirt
and drips to the floor of the
van.
PRIMO is punched by VERSACE. This knocks him out. DUMB is
standing to the side eating curried egg
sandwiches from a tray. He has put his cigar to rest on the side of the sandwich tray. With his mouth full, DUMB
bends down to pick PRIMO up and hoists him over his shoulder, they turn to
leave. DUMB’S cigar is left smoking away on the tray.
VERSACE
sees the cigar. As he leaves he turns the gas cylinder on. DUMB has already
left the van. The gas from the bottle
can be heard hissing when they
leave.
They
are walking away from the van when it explodes
TITLES
Australian
football on TV, loud. MACCA and ELVIS are watching a video of the 79
grand final. WES enters dressed
in a white T-shirt, beret, wine-skin and red bandanna (Pamplona style).
WES
What the fuck’s going on? What time is it?
Where are you?
Turns to ELVIS
And what planet are you on?
WES
opens the shutters, sunlight streams in. ELVIS and MACCA
stir, complain. WES goes back
into room, throws berets, wine-skins and bandannas at them. ELVIS gets up, staggers to the
balcony. Looks over. The runners are rushing down the street. He watches the
runners and the bulls go past, realising that is what they’re there for...
ELVIS
Fuck, let’s go...
They scramble to the door, leaving the grand final
being played. As they go, a famous passage of play causes them to pause and
they wait till the famous goal is scored.
TOGETHER
Goal!
Throwing
berets in the air and squeezing wine skins. Wine goes over WES’s new white T-shirt which annoys
him.
WES
Dickhead, that’s my
shirt, you know how much...?
They
scramble out.
They go running and falling down the stairs
ELVIS
Come on or we’ll
miss it.
They step outside.
ELVIS
We missed it.
They watch the bulls’ arses and runners disappear down
the street.
Probably a good thing. Smells of bull-shit.
A street band
appears from the opposite direction with a crowd of drunken revellers singing
VIVA ESPAÑA.
Hey!
They follow
the band down the street. Drinking from wine skins and dancing into a bar.
A BARMAN is washing glasses. RAFA is the only customer. He is
sitting, eating his breakfast. His mobile phone rings.
DUMB has a mobile phone to his ear. We hear the
ringing. He hands the phone to VERSACE.
VERSACE gives orders to DUMB.
Tie him up.
PRIMO is sitting groggily, his nose
bleeding while DUMB begins to gag and tie him up. VERSACE speaks on the mobile phone
Mr Agnolotti’s caterer has got a problem. Send me some new guys. Some idiots.
RAFA on the phone. He’s having trouble
hearing because the street-band, the three Aussies and the dancers suddenly all
spill into the bar drunk, and dancing the conga.
Idiots?
Idiots... idiot!
Ah, idiotas?
Sí, idiotas!... idiot!
Idiot...
RAFA is putting the phone down when the
Aussies jump down behind the bar to help the BARMAN serve the drinks.
Idiots! Fuck! Where do I find idiots?
ELVIS plays the piano: Peter Allen’s
“Rio”. RAFA looks across the bar
sees MACCA and WES serving drinks and mixing
cocktails.
ELVIS is playing something classical. The
last of the party people are leaving, saying goodbye to the Australians. MACCA goes and asks through sign
language for three more drinks, the BARMAN
gives him a slip of paper with what’s owed on it. It seems like they have to pay for the whole party. MACCA takes the bill to the table
where WES is asleep, MACCA wakes him but he is too pissed
to get up.
Wes... Wes... The money, mate.
WES falls asleep again. We see Spanish,
three corner hat Guardia Civil agents enter the bar and approach the BARMAN, who talks to them.
ELVIS is getting right into Chopin. Suddenly
there is a loud thump of keys. WES
wakes up, startled. MACCA
whispers to ELVIS. Suddenly a
hand drops on MACCA’s shoulders.
It’s the BARMAN, smiling. Behind
him the Guardia Civil are on the bar smiling at them. The BARMAN indicates RAFA. They look at RAFA. He holds up the bill and smiles.
The bill, a
chaotic piece of scribble with an enormous price on it, is lying on the table.
Four glasses around it. The boys are sitting around the table with RAFA
I did something for you, now you do something for me. OK?”
The NEW GUY
is getting out of his dad’s car who is dropping him off. He asks him in Spanish
if he has a clean hanky.
NEW GUY’S DAD
¿Tienes un pañuelo limpio?
The NEW GUY
has one and he goes into the depot.
The NEW GUY enters and approaches WES and ELVIS who are counting stock.
Knives 300
Forks 300
Dessert spoons 300
Banana boats 300
Soup 220...
Why only 220? I need 300 for fuck’s sake.
Candelabras...?
No, Wes, you mean candelabra....
No, candelabras... I need twenty-three...
Twenty-three candelabra... Candel-ah-fucking-bra... Not bras... The plural is candelabra... One candelabrum, two candelabra... Twenty-three candelabra... Get it...
What the...?!
In his frustration WES throws the candelabra against the wall. It breaks. He looks at
the list as he rummages through a crate. ELVIS shakes his head.
I think that was the only candelabrum we’ve got.
Well I need twenty-three for Christ’s sake... 23, shit !
The NEW GUY
introduces himself as the new helper, in Spanish.
Buenos días, soy el nuevo ayudante.
WES and ELVIS don’t understand him so they
prefer to just ignore him and continue counting. Enter MACCA. He is late.
Where the fuck have you been? You’re sacked !.
Fine
He goes to walk off
WES
Don’t you dare !
How are you Wes ?
WES
Good, work !
MACCA ignores the order.
You guys look like you’re really cut out for this.
WES
Yeah, well I used to be a store-man at Safeways before I started at the bank. All you need is an organised brain. Foreign concept to you, Macca.
My first job was chef at Kentucky Fried Chicken.
Chef, Elvis? Fuck me. What’s the secret recipe?
Ah, that’s top-top-top-secret, mate. If you want to know why the Earth is round I’ll tell you, but don’t ask me to divulge the alchemical composition of the Colonel’s special herbs. I swore an oath.
I bet you got the sack and I bet I know why.
Why?
Because you were caught smoking the Colonel’s special herbs when you should have been stuffing the chicken with them.
ELVIS laughs at the joke.
Listen Macca. Why don’t you pull your finger out and load the truck?
Yes, sir. Herr Fuehrer. Achtung. Schnell.
MACCA walks off goose-stepping
with his arm raised and one finger under his nose like a Hitler moustache. He goes into the kitchen followed by the NEW GUY to bring out trays of food. NEW GUY always following.
WES
to ELVIS
Now, we need twenty-three fucking candelabras.
Then maybe we should ring Rafa?
What?
Rafa. You know, the dude who gave us the job. The boss.
Rafa doesn’t want to hear about fucking candelabras. Little details aren’t important. He doesn’t want to know that candelabra is the plural of the candle-bum...
Yeah, right... But he might...
Look, shut up Elvis, I’m the boss OK.?!
Who made you the boss?
WES pulls a piece of paper
with C written on it.
“Wes boss, Rafa...” fuck off! “Wes boss, Rafa...”
When the NEW
GUY hears RAFA’s name he
pulls out his own slip of paper and shows them. “Here new guy, Rafa.” The
boys look at him without saying anything. Then ELVIS remembers the original problem.
OK Boss... You’re the boss... What do we do about the twenty-three candelabra?
Fuck the candelabras we’ll give ’em fairy lights...
Macca, back up the truck.
Man, I can’t move that!
WES
You’ve driven before.
MACCA
.Only in extreme emergencies
Yeah, and this is...?
MACCA
I’m not drivin’.
WES
Bullshit your not !
MACCA
Bullshit I am !
Bullshit !
MACCA.
Bull.....shit !
WES
God, your fucking pathetic.... Elvis, you drive.
ELVIS.
Yahoo!
Elvis lives!
ELVIS, WES and MACCA are
in the cabin. The NEW GUY is looking to hop in as well, but the other
three won’t let him. MACCA gets
out the truck and takes the NEW GUY
around to the back. MACCA opens the back doors, the truck
is stacked high with food and alcohol. He nods for the NEW GUY to get on board.
As he climbs in MACCA
stops him. He reaches in and pulls out a garbage bag. He rips a hole in it and
puts it over the NEW GUY’s head,
so that he’s wearing it like a smock.
Hang on tight, mate.
MACCA shuts the door. He walks
to the front cabin. He gets into the
truck. The truck drives off.
Hey, Elvis! Why am I sitting on the side that’s in the middle of the road when I should be sitting on the side that’s next to the kerb?
A car is coming is coming towards them and they have
to swerve the truck over to the opposite side.
Fuck, Macca, I told you you should drive.
Jesus Christ! Elvis is on the wrong fucking side and I get the fucking blame.
ELVIS leans hard on the wheel and turns into a petrol station.
The truck has only gone some twenty metres down the
road to swerve into a petrol station. They don’t get any petrol. Instead ELVIS goes into the shop while MACCA jumps out and races around the
back opens the doors again and grabs a green bucket which is full of beer.
(To the NEW
GUY)
Comfy, good. Hang on tight remember.
closing the door.
Poor cunt.
The NEW GUY
is about to say something but doesn’t have enough time. The doors are slammed
in his face. MACCA hops back
into the front of the truck with the bucket of beer...
They’re no good in there, mate. Ice melts.
He passes a beer to WES. WES looks at
his watch and nods.
Yep, OK. Just one. We’re working remember.
He cracks the can and sucks away. He’s obviously
enjoying it despite the new responsibility.
ELVIS climbs in. He’s loaded up
with magazines in his arms and cassettes in his pockets. He dumps the magazines
on MACCA as he starts the truck
and drives off.
MACCA passes a beer to ELVIS then leafs through the magazines.
What’d you buy these for? They’re all in Spanish. (laughing) You can’t read Spanish.
ELVIS pushes one of the open
magazines in his face.
ELVIS
Who’s that?
Julio Iglesias.
You see. You don’t need to read... Words are not the only means of communication in this man-made universe... We are not alone... There is light, and light makes colour... Form is not just black and white... Form is form and besides the symbolism of the printed word you also have the image, mate... The fucking image...
In other words.
You look at the pictures.
He gets a tape out.
What’s this?
Spanish culture.
Some cheap version of Paso Dobles with castanets
plays.
They arrive at the traffic-lights of a busy junction. Stop. The light turns green. ELVIS doesn’t move the truck.
Green light Elvis.
Cars behind start honking.
All systems go, mate...
Elvis?...
We’re not moving, mate.
Yeah, well, I was just wondering as I contemplated the general movement of traffic creating such marvellous criss-crossing patterns of colour and light illuminating what would otherwise be the dim grey environment of this city street...
Where are we going?
Fuck, Elvis! Marbella... We’re going to Marbella!
Oh, really! Marbella! Lovely place, mate. Always wanted to go there... And can anyone tell poor Elvis in which part of this great vast and sunny land might this little village of Marbella be situated? I mean...
Getting angry
...which fucking way do I turn...?!
MACCA rummages through his
pockets and takes out a crumpled piece of paper.
Rafa gave me a map.
The slip of paper has a clumsy drawing of a map of
Spain on it. WES rips the paper
out of his hand.
Fuck off, look in the glove-box, idiot.
There is a real map with the route drawn on it. WES gives that to MACCA.
You navigate, ding-bat.
MACCA also pulls out a wad of
money that WES pockets, and a
packet of speed that ELVIS
takes.
That’s definitely for the driver.
Music accompanies various images of the journey down
to Andalusia. The van driving a little wobbly down the highway. Then…
21. EXT. SIDE OF THE HIGHWAY 2pm
The boys sitting having lunch in a dry desolate
landscape under a the shade of an Osborne bill-board, a big cut-out bull.
22. INT
BACK OF THE TRUCK (SAME
TIME)
The NEW GUY
is sitting in the back of the truck eating a sandwich taken from one of the
catering boxes.
More music and highway, then…
24. EXT.
MADRID 5pm
ELVIS driving recklessly in the
centre of Madrid, through recklessly driving traffic, while WES and MACCA shit themselves.
Then…
25. EXT.
MADRID 5:30pm
Parked at the side of the Cibeles fountain in the
centre of Madrid. The three guys are urinating on the lions and dropping
brown-eyes at the passing hooting traffic.
26. INT
BACK OF THE TRUCK (SAME
TIME)
The NEW GUY
is in the back of the truck urinating into a beer can.
On the road to Andalusia. The truck goes over a bump.
MACCA's head lands between his
legs and he is facing the beer bucket,
he comes up with two beers and gives one to WES.
No thanks, I’ve started the liver cleansing diet, and well, I’m lucky, I just remembered. So no thanks.
MACCA
What! You’re intending to sit here for the rest of the drive with out one fucking drink !?
WES
Not exactly, I plan to combine it with one or two soda waters. Take it easy, simple day. You shouldn’t be drinking so much either, we’re on a job.
29. INT
BACK OF THE TRUCK (SAME
TIME)
The NEW GUY
is sitting in the back of the truck. He is doing a good job of balancing, but
there is one bump too many, he goes flying backwards.
30. INT THE
CABIN OF THE TRUCK (sunset)
10:00 pm Fri
ELVIS snorting a line while he
drives. MACCA trying different
cassettes and radio stations. ELVIS
raves about the name for a band.
White Trash! Is that a good name for a band or what?.... How do we get to these points of anxiety.... heightened so fucking high that we may as well be all individual supermen of the red panty brigade.... When people become dogmatic lunatics! Why do we let society brutally push each and every one of us around, only to wake up each and every day feeling shit? Try to empathise and grasp this truth and you’ll end up becoming one of them. And you see, the truth of the matter is... blah blah, blah... Oh fuck! It’s the people that can’t see that that give me the shits ! All I want is the fucking truth! If it hurts, well! And on top of all that we get these arsehole wankers in political fucking fairy land that dangle some financial Sudafed for some fucking farsartical relief... Why? So they can toss off and believe that they’re actually fooling the masses.... So do you think it’s a good name for a band or what ?
MACCA’s looking through the
pile of magazines.
Yeah, Elvis... Great name for a band. But what kind of music will you play?
Music? Who gives a fuck about music? It’s the image that’s important. Image before content... You play in a band so you can get enough money to buy your drugs... Drugs before life...
WES is looking through the TV
guide, circling channels.
Hey, you know something?
What?
They don’t have a wog channel. I mean you think about it. In Australia we have wog channels, right?
Right.
But over here there are no wog channels, and we’re wogs, right?
Yeah, but in Australia aren’t we all wogs anyway.
Well, I mean, where are we going to watch the fucking footy?
Fuck the footy mate, what about the band name?! Haven’t you been listening to anything I’ve been saying?!
Why bother with a name, you never play anywhere anyway. You suffer from stage fright, remember?
Where are we...?
Spain, Wes. Don’t worry. Go to sleep. I’ll wake you up when we hit Africa.
ELVIS laughs at MACCA’s
joke. WES pulls up a blanket and
goes to sleep.
31. INT THE CABIN OF THE TRUCK 3:00 am Sat
WES and MACCA are sleeping. ELVIS wide awake driving and sniffing.
And the Lord said unto ELVIS... Go forth, to Marbella, and there you’ll find all the drugs you need. But a man cannot live by drugs alone one needs to have music...
He reaches into his pocket
for another cassette. Beethoven’s 5th.
Beethoven! Hey. Where the fuck did you come from? I’d prefer Hendrix but, Beethoven it’ll be.
As he listens to the music
he starts humming and hallucinating. He imagines that two Liberaces are sitting
next to him in the truck. Outside the road-lights turn into candelabra. He is
starting to relax to the atmosphere when the headlights of the cars coming
towards them suddenly turn into a pouncing tiger. He screams and applies the
breaks. The truck comes to a swerving, screeching halt by the side of the road.
WES and MACCA wake up. ELVIS
is screaming.
A tiger, a fucking tiger mate!!!...
Shit...! fuck...! What...!
Jesus... Fuck me... What happened...?
A tiger... a fucking tiger!
A tiger! What!? Fuck... We’re in Africa!
Fucking Africa!
32.
EXT THE TRUCK ON THE
OUTSKIRTS OF MALAGA 9.05 AM
SAT
MACCA’s driving. WES is asleep and ELVIS is wide-awake. The truck turns
to pull into the car park of a roadside bar. As they turn, they nearly crash
into a speeding car overtaking from their rear.
The men driving the car lean out of the windows. We hear Frank Sinatra singing on their radio. It’s DUMB and VERSACE. PRIMO is tied up on the back seat. VERSACE spits.
Was that artistic or autistic ... ? You’re dead men. Got it!?
He looks at the truck, and
reads “PRIMO’S CATERING”, says to himself:
It’s them.
They drive off. Dropping a donut. All three of the men
in the truck look, listen, and in response to this they laugh
hysterically. They drive into the
roadside car park. When the truck stops WES
is thinking.
Did you notice anything strange about those guys?
Yeah. They were listening to Frank Sinatra.
No not that. They spoke to us in English.
ELVIS, MACCA and WES get
thoughtfully out the truck and walk into the front bar. The NEW GUY has been well and truly
forgotten about.
33.
EXT A DIRT TRACK RUNNING
THROUGH A FLAT WINDSWEPT PLAIN
9:10AM SAT
VERSACE’s car drives down a dirt
track toward a wheat silo. He parks out the front. VERSACE opens a door in the silo while DUMB drags PRIMO’s tied up body out of the car.
34.
INT BAR IN MALAGA 9. 10am SAT
WES, MACCA and ELVIS
make themselves comfortable at the bar, they case the place out before
settling on stools that are right in
front of them.
WES
Two beers and a soda water thanks.
The BARMAN, who obviously doesn’t
understand, looks pissed-off. ELVIS
starts trying to communicate the order using mime.
MACCA
Are you really serious with that liver shit stuff?
WES
Too right... three soda water for every beer.
MACCA
Jesus Christ. Wes the tea-totaller.
35. INT SILO 9. 13
am SAT
VERSACE turns on a light inside the silo, revealing his hideout. There is a
chair, a sofa. A gun-rack. Meanwhile DUMB is struggling with PRIMO dragging him into the silo.
36. INT BAR IN MALAGA
9. 13 am SAT
WES pulls out some sheets of paper from his coat pocket.
What’s that?
The contract.
What fucking contract?
Rafa gave me it. We have to sign it. Then we give it to another boss-man down in Marbella before he pays us.
He hands the contract to MACCA.
37. INT SILO (VERSACE’S DEN) 9. 20am SAT
DUMB throws PRIMO down on a chair and rips off the
tape that is gagging him.
Gasping
When Agnolotti finds out about this you’re a tripe dinner Versace, a fucking black pudding!
Don’t break my heart, Primo. There’s only one man whose going to talk to Mr.Agnolotti, and that is you. Now I know how much you like to wag the tongue, so if you want to keep it, if you want to keep the fingers on your hands and the toes on your feet... if you want your testicles to maintain their attachment to your crotch, then you’d better tell Mr Agnolotti what I want you to tell him. What I want and only what I want. Capisci?
And what’s that?
You’ll find out.
38. INT BAR ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF MALAGA 9: 20am SAT
WES
Listen, I’ve got to do some ringing around. Organising. So do you think you could....?
MACCA is examining the
contract.
MACCA
Hang on a tic! Look at his. Ah, Wes boy, according to this, you get paid twelve dollars an hour, I get nine, not ten, nine.
He waves the contract in WES’s face...
But that’s OK by me, mate. I don’t mind. But you’d better remember that for that extra three dollars you’re getting, you do the fucking organising your-fucking-self! You don't get me organising any thing, OK? I’ll lift, stack, set the table, pack up, and even, yet very rarely mind you, I’ll be nice to a customer. I’m obviously not getting paid for my thinking capacity. OK? You see, getting a dog’s body’s wage is not about thinking. It’s about giving the dog its bone. You see, the dog instinctively wants the bone, you don’t have to sell the dog the bone, so its just a physical action of giving the dog the bone.. No thinking required. So don’t shit me, Wes, I’m a fucking bone-giver, that’s all. Got it!?
I know what you’re saying Macca. You’re saying you don’t like working. But that’s nothing new, mate. As always I’ll end up doing everything.
He walks off to make some calls...
39. EXT IN FRONT OF
THE SILO 9. 25am SAT
VERSACE slams the silo door and
throws the keys to DUMB to lock it. Then he walks purposefully to the car.
After locking the silo DUMB runs to VERSACE.
Where are we going now?
A bit of unfinished business back down the road, Dumb. You know, an elephant never forgets...
And he pulls DUMB’s ear
directing him to the car.
40. INT
BAR ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF MALAGA
9. 25 am SAT
ELVIS and MACCA sitting at the bar, sitting in silence.
The bartender puts two beers and a plate of green olives in front of them.
Fuck this. Fucking olives for breakfast. Can’t we have some cornflakes.
Cornflakes with beer?
It wouldn’t be the first time.
He watches two men walk in, in blue boiler-suits. They sit at the bar and nod to the BARMAN.
What do the Spanish have for breakfast?
The BARMAN pours the men a glass of
cognac. The two workers skull the cognacs and leave.
MACCA and ELVIS look at
each other in amazement.
41. EXT
A DIRT TRACK RUNNING THROUGH A FLAT WINDSWEPT PLAIN 9:30AM
SAT
VERSACE’s car drives down the dirt track away from the wheat silo. We hear
Frank Sinatra singing.
42. INT BAR ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF MALAGA 9: 30am SAT
ELVIS and MACCA sitting at
the bar, they now have a glass of cognac each in front of them.
I have this theory about work.
I’m out of here then.
No listen mate. This is a good one.
I just listed all my duties, mate, and listening to shit wasn’t one of them.
ELVIS shows him a joint he’s
rolling.
I guess I’ve no choice then. If you will. I’m glued. All ears.
My theory goes thus-wise. Now let me think...
He lights the block of hash and crumbles a corner into
the tobacco...
How do I word this? If one were to consider the E=mc2 ratio between the proletariat and his praetorian mentor...
He rolls the joint...
then it takes an employee longer to get somewhere than it takes his employer to wait during the period of time that they were gone.
What’s that got to do with anything?
Who said anything about anything? I’m talking about work.
Fuck you Elvis! Speak fuckin’ English for once in your life.
Seeing that he’s upset ELVIS...
Elvis you're a man of a lot of bullshit and I respect that but, how do you do it?
How do I do what ?
How do you stay so positive? How do keep yourself going?
ELVIS
Well, Macca, let me think. What do you have for breakfast ?
Cognac and fucking olives.
No usually. What do you usually have?
Why did I ask? Muesli.
Ahh! A complex breakfast !
What, muesli a complex breakfast, I don’t think so. Waking up and finding my self standing in the middle of my kitchen, eating my muesli, making my espresso and still on the early morning half-asleep half-awake masturbation mode... that’s a complex breakfast.
ELVIS
My point is, and there is always a point, that if you eat, drink, or do anything, do it well. I've put a lot of energy and time into becoming the drug frenzied naturopathy fast-fooded vegetarian that I am, its called complex balancing. Now listen...
He gets a beer glass from
behind the bar
Go and fill this up and I’ll show you a very simple but fool proof method for detecting the over balancing of anti bodies. Off you go, do some damage.
MACCA
Come on Elvis. You don’t think I’m goin’to.
ELVIS passes offers him the joint with the glass
Oh fuck it !
He snatches the joint and
glass from ELVIS and goes to the
toilet...
43. INT
VERSACE’S CAR 9:35am SAT
VERSACE is cleaning his gun while DUMB
drives frantically and singing along to Frank Sinatra. We see the bar looming
in front.
44. INT BAR ON THE OUTSKIRTS OF MALAGA 9. 35am SAT
MACCA is in the toilet, puffing
on the joint and filling up the glass. He comes back to the bar and places it
on the bar passing the joint to ELVIS
who stoops behind the bar to drag on it. Then MACCA and ELVIS
both sit for a few seconds and watch
the steam of the glass
ELVIS
Now, put three to four ice cubes in it to drop the heat to room temperature.
He leaves the steaming glass on the bar.
45.
EXT BAR IN MALAGA 9. 40 am SAT
VERSACE and Dumb get out of the
car in front of the bar. They proceed to open the boot, we see a variety of
guns and weapons. VERSACE takes
out some black gloves. Dumb is singing while he handles the weapons.
These
are a few of my favourite things... when the dog bites... when the bee
stings...
Don’t sing another line! No Sinatra, no Julie Andrews, no guns, nothin’. Just a nice slap on Agnolotti’s behalf. You walk and I talk. OK?
He slams the boot shut.
Disappointed and very confused.
Ok
ELVIS dips a finger into the
glass of urine.
ELVIS
Room temperature
VERSACE and Dumb enter the bar
and stand cowboy like in the doorway. ELVIS
and MACCA are joined by WES. The three of them stand with
their backs against the bar. VERSACE
walks up slowly to the bar and intimidates the three men.
VERSACE
Mr Agnolotti sends his regards. Mr Agnolotti hates it when it’s not perfect. Mr Agnolotti then becomes upset when it’s not perfect. But don’t worry yourselves too much about that, because Mr Agnolotti wishes you all the best!
Dumb puts on the knuckle-dusters and punches ELVIS in the stomach. VERSACE looks angrily at Dumb for
doing that. Dumb, frustrated, takes the piss-in-the-glass from the bar and is
about to pour it over ELVIS when
VERSACE stops him, takes the pot
out of his hand and in one go, drinks the whole thing.
VERSACE
Very refreshing.
The two thugs leave the bar.
WES, ELVIS and MACCA
stand before the bar punch-drunk, dismayed.
WES
Who the fuck is Mr Spaghetti head ?
ELVIS
I don’t need shit like that when I’m stoned, it makes me way too paranoid.
MACCA
He drank me piss.
47.
INT TRUCK 9:50am
Driving in the truck, the three men are looking a
little pissed.
ELVIS
I reckon he was gay you know.
He drives over a speed
hump and they hear a loud thump from the back of the truck
WES, MACCA AND ELVIS
The New Guy !!!!!
48.
INT
BACK OF THE TRUCK
9:50am
The NEW GUY can be seen flying across the
back of the truck.
49.
EXT
TRUCK 11:20am
The truck drives past a sign saying “Bienvidos a
Almeria”
50.
INT TRUCK 11:21am
MACCA is examining a map.
Bienvenidos... that means Welcome.
To Almeria.
Yeah, Almeria. Where the fuck is that?
Looking carefully at the
map.
51.
EXT
TRUCK 11:22am
Truck driving into
Almeria.
Voice over.
Hey, Elvis! Did you turn left or right when we were in Malaga?
Left, like you told me to.
I told you to turn fucking right.
No, you didn’t.
I fucking did...
The truck comes to a
screeching halt.
What the fuck?!
The truck suddenly
screeches back into action doing a dangerous u-turn.
52.
EXT TOP OF
HOTEL DRIVEWAY 1:30pm
SAT
The truck has pulled into a drive way and come to a stop at a boom gate. A man
approaches. ELVIS and MACCA look tired, stoned and pissed. WES hangs out the window.
WES
We’re the caterers.
The porter doesn’t understand and so they show him a
piece of paper. He lets them through. We see a clock in the office that says
1:30.
The truck can
be heard backing up. The men get out of the truck, they open the back doors and
the NEW GUY can’t be seen.
WES
Are you there son ?
Nothing is said, the men look to each other for
answers,
WES
Don’t worry, son, we’ll be right with you.
They begin to unload the truck, eventually a
dishevelled NEW GUY in a plastic
garbage bag is pulled out from behind boxes of beer.
54. INT HALL
1:37pm
WES, MACCA and ELVIS are standing at the service
entrance to a large open hall where the party will take place. It is in
darkness. When the lights are turned on
WES
Well boys, the holidays are over. We came here to see the world and now we’re going to work it. It’s some little girl’s big night, and we’re going to give her our best. 150 guests, three-course dinner, coffee and mints and grappa. There’s no medal to leave with but we must win anyway. The odds are against us, but we are good men. The big Boss was meant to be here to organise us, but he’s not. So we’re on our own. Just you and me. Right, let’s get on with it. You do that and I’ll do this.
They begin to unload the truck and set up the party.
We see every detail from laying of table cloths to setting cutlery and napkins
etc. Emphasis on how shoddy they are, how unhygienic they are. WES and MACCA look at each other, knowing that it is disgusting.
ELVIS
Don’t worry, it’ll be dark ! No candelabra remember. They’ll be eating to fairy-lights.
55. INT
SILO (VERSACE’S DEN) 2:15pm
PRIMO is talking on his mobile phone to Mr.
Agnolotti. He’s obviously nervous and anxious.
PRIMO
Yeah, my best boys, Mr Agnolotti... They’re there already... Nothing but the best for you and your lovely daughter... It’ll be a great coming of age...
56. EXT GOLF COURSE 2:16pm
Mr AGNOLOTTI
on the other end of the line. He is sitting on an electric golf buggy with his
mobile.
Good Primo, although you got to get all the details right... It’s got to be perfect, not great... Perfect! Got it!
SPITZANI is trying to take a shot.
He gives AGNOLOTTI a dirty look
because he’s talking on the phone and interrupting his concentration
Take it easy please, Mr Spitzani! Mr Agnoltti is organising his little girl’s big night... OK...
He gives SPITZANI a filthy look. To PRIMO
Have your marvellous men been given the full and perfect brief?
57. INT SILO (VERSACE’S DEN) 2:17pm
We see that PRIMO
is sitting on a chair, his hands tied behind it. There is a gun at his temple
and VERSACE is holding the phone
up to his ear.
Sure they have... no problem... everything will be perfect... We’ve got Liberace and the candelabras and the special grappa...
We see Dumb too, pissing copious amounts of urine into
a litre bottle.
Voice off...
I don’t want any screw ups. DON SECONDO’s going to be there, and you know what that means...
DON SECONDO!...
Don’t worry. I’ve got my best men on this job, Mr Agnolotti, and Versace himself will be down to keep an eye on things.
58. EXT GOLF COURSE 2:18pm
Versace? Oh, Primo, now you’ve gone and screwed it. I said perfect. And Versace is not perfect. He’s a punk...
59. INT SILO (VERSACE’S DEN) 2:18pm
VERSACE is leaning over PRIMO’s shoulder to listen to the
telephone conversation. As Mr AGNOLOTTI
criticises him he gets angrier and angrier, applying pressure on PRIMO’s balls.
No Primo I don’t want that pervert Versace going anywhere near my daughter, OK... If he really has to be there, make sure he stays well out of the way... Got that... He’s a sadist...
Mr AGNOLOTTI
looks at his caddy and puts his hand over the phone
What’s the time, Manuel?
Two nineteen, Señor.
AGNOLOTTI turns to SPITZANI.
Finish the game with the caddy. My dear wife is waiting for me.
Quietly into the Caddy’s
ear
Let Spitzani win, OK, but don’t let him know you let him...
On the phone again
OK, Primo. Versace comes he comes... As long as we get Liberace and the special grappa as well, OK... and the Mama’s minestrone soup... DON SECONDO loves Mama’s soup, OK?
He hangs up
We hear the click of the phone connection switching off. As it does PRIMO screams. VERSACE is grinding his teeth. DUMB is screwing on the top of the bottle of special grappa that’s he’s just pissed into. He goes to the door. Opens it. Sitting outside in the open air on a too-small chair is JANSON, looking nervous, as if at an interview for a new job.
OK. You know what to do, right?
JANSON nods
Have you loaded your car?
JANSON nods again, DUMB
slaps the bottle of special grappa
This is a special delivery. It has to go on the table of Mr Agnolotti himself. A special present from Versace, got it?
JANSON nods again. DUMB
puts the bottle into JANSON’s
hands. As he does we get a close up on JANSON’s
watch. It indicates it is 2:20.
62.
INT
HOTEL FOYER & HALL 2:20pm
The 2:20 on JANSON’s
watch, corresponds with 2:20 in the Hotel foyer which we get a good look at. We
then go down into the basement to the hall where the setting up of the party
continues. There we see that another clock is showing 1:23.
The guys are working at a
very leisurely pace. The cutlery is cleaned by wiping it on MACCA’s arse, ELVIS takes a drink from a glass and then puts the glass on the
table place setting. Side plates are set down, a baby cockroach crawls out from
under it. Things... ashtrays, half full or empty salt and pepper shakers are
placed over stains on the table. Things are thrown from one side of the room to
the other. We see a hand pick out a bread roll from a box of many rolls and it
is thrown by ELVIS across the
room to MACCA, crumbs fly
everywhere. It is placed on the table.
MACCA looks at the clock which is situated on the wall above the entrance of the hall. It reads one twenty-three.
Days going fucking slow !
ELVIS
Not having fun are you mate ?
MACCA
Should I be? I’m over it, I just don’t give a rat’s arse any more. I know I take it more personally than I should but, I just can’t seem to help it. I physically, mentally and spiritually, well maybe not spiritually, but, I don’t give a flying fuck.
ELVIS laughs as if to brush it
off.
MACCA
I’m not kidding. I DON’T GIVE A FUCK ! This none-thinking business always gets you thinking. Now I am just thinking about shit and it sets off this amazing plummet to the depth of..... I don’t know......I.... was just thinking... Do you know when people see you, you’re working and you’re maybe having a shit day, who knows what’s going through your mind, when some idiot, feels the need to point out that ‘your not smiling’.
But what really gets me going is when this A grade Arsehole goes on to say, “Look, I’m in the hospitality business too and I tell you, if you did smile you’d get great tips... Blah, blah blah Arsehole Blah!!!!”........
I say: “EXCUSE ME ! I don’t think I’m American. I don’t pretend to be American. Your not American either, although you’re an Arsehole. We don’t live in America so you do not automatically tip ! And I’m not going to automatically smile ! The price of that drink doesn’t include my soul, you know?” Then I draw in closer and say: “So just sit back down on your seat, rejoin the company of you friends and Have a Nice Day !!”
Who’s the Arsehole, me or them? ’Cause you know I’m not exempt. I’m not right, nor claim to be. That is me not you.
I’m a bartender, is that what I am ?
You’re not a bartender.
MACCA
At my other job I am
ELVIS
You mean “At my other job I was.” And I bet you got the sack for splif-rolling behind the counter.
Amongst other things, yeah. But how do you know, Elvis?
ELVIS
Ah! Professional secret. I’m Elvis the clairvoyant.
Clairvoyant?
Yeah. I’ve read the skid marks on your undies.
Fuck off, Elvis, you’ve never seen skid marks in my undies.
You’d be amazed what you see when you’ve been travelling with someone for a month.
AGNOLOTTI comes in off the golf course.
He meets his wife and her friends. His wife is carrying a box full of
name-cards to go at the table places.
Presto... Hurry up and have a shower. We’re having lunch on the terrace.
She watches him leave. She turns to her friends.
Aspetarre... Wait for me. I won’t be long. I’m just going down to the hall to check how the preparations are getting on.
We see on the clock that it’s three o’clock.
ELVIS and MACCA are working at their leisurely
pace. WES comes in
WES
What’s the time ?
One twenty three.
WES
Right. If its one twenty three, why did I listen to the clock on the radio chime three times?
MACCA
Fuck! I’ve been looking at the clock for over half an hour.
Maybe your dead, idiot! Move your arse, and get a wriggle on willya!
MACCA
I’m starving.
Yeah, well. If it’s really three o’clock, then there’s a lunch-break. Part of the contract.
And if it’s part of the contract it’s union rules. We eat!
MACCA
I’ll put the tea on.
He opens up a beer for each of them.
Well what are we going to eat then? Do you know that in Spain they eat cold tomato soup?
The NEW GUY
takes advantage of the break to read the local newspaper. There is a headline
in Spanish (subtitled) about The Mafia on
the Costa del Sol.
Stiletto heels can be seen walking into the hall,
walking up to the three Aussies sitting, drinking beer. They look up to see Mrs
AGNOLOTTI looking down on them.
Any problems, Madam?
I’ve come to drop these off ...
She hands WES
the box of placement cards.
...and make sure that everything’s OK.... I’m Mrs Sanchez.
WES
Nice to meet you. We’re the caterers.
MRS AGNOLOTTI
Every things fine, I trust?
WES
Couldn’t be better.
MRS AGNOLOTTI
Ok then, see you later. Oh just one last thing... Liberace?
Yeah, I love him too.
Mrs AGNOLOTTI pinches WES’s cheek like she would a little boy. She is walking away out
of the hall when she stops to look at the NEW GUY. WES, ELVIS and MACCA have started drinking again. The NEW GUY looks up from his paper. He says in Spanish
Adios señora Agnolotti.
She leaves.
The Aussies look at the NEW GUY.
What did you call Mrs Sanchez?
Demonstrates the phrase with mime, then frustrated by
this - to MACCA and ELVIS
The New Guy called that woman Señora Agophhhhlotti.
ELVIS is going through the
parcel that they’d been given which is full of placement cards.
There’s no Mrs Sanchez, or any Sanchez for that matter.
The NEW GUY shows them a photo in the paper of the AGNOLOTTIs, the word MAFIOSOS is quite clearly seen on the page.
Rafa. Lovely guy. Up shit-creek without a paddle, that’s us. Marbella with the Mafia. Fuck!
She seemed like a nice lady to me. What’s the panic? At least we know who to go to when we want drugs...
Drugs. Hey what did you do with that bag of white powder that was in the glove box?
ELVIS and MACCA are
looking guilty...
You didn’t?
Not all of it... Just a few lines...
Fuck! They’ll know! The Mafia know these things, idiots.
No. They’ll be too worried about the little girl’s coming of age. That’s all they’re thinking about... She didn’t even tell us off for drinking on the job...
The cooks arrive, dressed in chefs outfits.
Fuck. They’re here already. It’s getting late. Pull your finger out.
Fingers Wes. Pull all your fucking fingers out. Out of your arse, mate. And your head as well.
65. INT BANQUET HALL 8pm
The hall is set up, completely. They are sitting down
on the stage having a beer as the table staff arrive. MACCA and ELVIS are
checking out the waitress’s.
She’s nice.
Nice and young, Elvis. Too young for you.
66. EXT HOTEL CAR PARK 8pm
JANSON arrives in his car. Opens the boot and pulls out a bottle of grappa full of VERSACE’s piss.
67. INT AT THE HOTEL BAR 8:05pm
WES with a phone. He takes
out a slip of paper. We see that it’s got “Boss’s phone number in Marbella”
written on it. He dials.
68.
INT SILO (VERSACE’S
DEN) (SAME TIME)
DUMB answers.
69.
INT AT THE HOTEL BAR (SAME TIME)
Hello, do you speak English?
70. INT SILO (VERSACE’S DEN) (SAME TIME)
Who’s this?
71. INT AT THE HOTEL BAR (SAME TIME)
Is the boss there?
Which boss?
WES
My boss
72.
INT SILO (VERSACE’S
DEN) (SAME TIME)
DUMB
My boss?
73. INT AT THE HOTEL BAR (SAME TIME)
Not your boss, my boss. Who are you?
74. INT SILO (VERSACE’S DEN) (SAME TIME)
Who are you ?
Where’s my boss?
What’s your boss’s name?
75. INT AT THE HOTEL BAR (SAME TIME)
I don’t know. I only call him boss. The boss in Marbella.
76.
INT SILO (VERSACE’S
DEN) (SAME TIME)
Marbeya idiot....
77. INT AT THE HOTEL BAR (SAME TIME)
Hang on...
He takes out a cheque with
PRIMO’s name on it:
It’s Mr Primo Amore
78. INT SILO (VERSACE’S DEN) (SAME TIME)
You wanna talk to Primo?! He’s indisposed...
DUMB fires his gun in the air
and hangs up the phone.
79. INT AT THE HOTEL BAR (SAME TIME)
Fuck... Fuck... He’s killed him.
Who were you talking to ?
Some Mafia agent. They’ve killed the boss.
Takes a beer out of the box which ELVIS is
carrying and sculls it.
It’s gonna be a long night.
The staff are waiting for your brief, Wes. Oh and er, there’s someone else here to see you.
The person waiting is JANSON. He hands WES
a card. JANSON, BARMAN
extraordinaire.
Hi! I’m Mr Trouble Shooter. Janson’s my name, do anything’s my game. Mr Primo sent me with a very special grappa for Mr Agnolotti. If you like I’ll explain the catering procedure to everyone.
Whispering to WES
Take a bit of the weight off your own shoulders, eh governor?
He winks at WES then turns to the rest of the
staff who are waiting for orders
Gather round everyone. Come closer. That’s it.
Clears his throat
This is a wine opener, to open the wine with. These are very valuable so, please, if you do need it be sure you ask for my permission.
We as a company offer a full range of beverages. Please take note. I am standing in the fizzy pop section. We have cola, please note there’s no brand-name. This has been eradicated to avoid any free advertising. Then we have lemonade, lemonade with lime, lemonade with lemon , lemonade with raspberry or lemonade without lemonade which is called soda water ha, ha, ha...
Now we move along to the beer section. This is the simpler of the sections. We have all the types of beer. We have heavy beers and light beers, but to me they feel the same weight, ha, ha, ha...
Now for the last but most definitely not least section. Our wine selection. Here we have both white and red wines. We do cater for a diversity of custom. The red wine is a full bodied blend with a rounded berry fruit which infiltrates the senses from all angles. The nose the mouth even the eyes look at that.
He holds the glass up to the light.
We as a professional outfit do offer a variety of white wines. Here we have a Chardonnay
He slaps a 40 litre
cask
That’s oaky with a buttery spread...
he tastes and spits out
...magnificent.
We also offer a Reisling and a Mosel. for those people that obviously have no appreciation of good wines.
He demonstrates by adding
lemonade to the wine to make a sweeter wine
80. INT KITCHEN 8:20pm
MACCA, ELVIS and WES enter
one at a time, to take a beer from the fridge. They acknowledge the chef.
Hola
They walk around the
kitchen, putting their fingers into the pots to scoop out sauces.
Hey, this tastes like real food. I thought we were caterers.
The chef ignores them
because he is complaining in Spanish to the dish-washer about the tinned and frozen
food that he’s supposed to prepare. He is a chef, an artist.
¡Eso no puede ser! ¡No puede ser! Latas y comida congelada... Porquería... No puede ser... Soy cocinero... Y cocinar es hacer arte... ¡Me voy!
WES (to MACCA and ELVIS)
You two go and get changed.
The chef explodes and storms out.
What the fuck?!
Holding up a tin
He says he won’t cook this shit. He’s cordon-bleu.
What!?
Do not worry... You do not need a chef... Anyone can cook this shit... It has instructions on the can...
Yeah! Instructions. Fuck me! They’re in Spanish. We’re dead!
Turns to the Dishwasher
and hands him the can
You cook.
81. INT MALE TOILETS 8:25pm
ELVIS and MACCA
walk in to the male toilets carrying their bags. They, look at each other, nod:
After you...
No after you.
Then they choose a cubical each and enter. They begin
to get changed. We see the contrast in their clothes. ELVIS unzips a carry case and takes two shirts, three pairs of
shoes and four ties from it. He decides which one he shall wear. MACCA takes one shirt from out his
bag, he shakes it and sees that it is creased. There is one pair of trousers,
he put them on. MACCA is the first one to complete the change. He exits the cubical.
MACCA
Elvis are these Mafiosi going to, are we going to die?
ELVIS
Exiting the cubical looking immaculate.
They’re gonna kill you but they’re gonna love me.
both of them
stand in front of the mirror ELVIS
looks the man and MACCA looking
the goose, unshaven, pants too short, desert boot on, stained shirt and
crumpled etc.
ELVIS
Sit down in that chair, you are officially now the experiment d’Elvis
ELVIS begins the transformation
of MACCA. He pulls out a complete transformation kit and sets it out
on the sink. He begins to sharpen the razor blade for a good old-fashioned
shave.
MACCA is looking nervous.
Change the subject, Elvis. What’s your theory on cutting someone’s lunch.
I don’t eat lunch I only drink it.
No. Not lunch I mean grass, you know, mowing someone’s lawn.
Why would I want to mow someone else’s lawn. I don’t even do my own.... Oh, oh, oh yes, of course well that’s not a black and white subject. Circumstances.
Ok, you’re away with two friends on a holiday, travelling and a girl is met.
Travelling, travel
Travel, travelling
See things are grey already.
You like this girl but it appears the girl is in the like of one of the brothers, Brother A, so you lay off.
Mistake number one, never lay off. Does the brother dig the girl.
Not openly, in patches, hot and cold. You know, bits and pieces.
And brother B.
Well brother B is always working on his brothers’ behalf.
The propaganda brother. The big brother theory, another story all together.
In disguise.
Always in disguise.
So one day, my defences were down, I’ve been dragged from the field scratched. I had to work.
ELVIS
I thought you said you were travelling?
I was, but I got a few days work as well.
What where you doing?
Drinking and dancing in a bar.
You call that work ? You got paid for that?
Yep, pretty much the same thing we do here. Wouldn’t you say? Anyway, the brothers were out with this chick, B got A pissed, too pissed. Then A went for the kill on my mattress.
Let me guess. Up until this point was A playing the gay confidant roll?
Yep!
But he wasn’t gay.
Nope.
It’s a tough one. You see it wasn’t in your hand
What?
Mr B is very skilful and manipulative, dark in fact.
And played guitar.
They always do, or a drum, bongo thing and thinks the sun shines out of their arse.
The girls believe it.
Well it works, works well in fact. Look, here are, as far I know them, the rules of the game.
1. No claim was made.
2. Winning women is like a game of football, all four quarters have to be played., unfortunately for you, you got dragged in the third.
3. The “like” wasn’t clearly defined,
and 4. The reality - cutting grass is a dirty game, but someone’s got to do it.
So it’s an acceptable practice.
I’m afraid it is.
So I shouldn’t feel, you know, take it personally.
Na, let it go son. Let it go. Girls can’t steal your heart, they can only scratch it.
ELVIS finishes the shave and the sip a beer.
To the product of ELVIS.
He puts fudge and gel
through MACCA’s hair
82.
INT THE BAR 9:40pm
JANSON
with the rest of the staff before him bored, restless and yawning.
...Of course, it must be repeatedly
stressed that we only use the best of products.
He slaps the bottle of special grappa.
83. INT MALE TOILETS 8:40
To the finished MACCA
You are my product, son.
MACCA looks in the mirror and he sees that he has been transformed into a smooth fine looking chap.
MACCA
Pretty, Elvis very pretty. A little product goes a long way.
They exit the toilet.
84.
INT THE AGNOLOTTI’S ROOM 8:40pm
Mr and Mrs AGNOLOTTI
are getting dressed.
Papa, darling. Did you tell Primo to get the Mama’s soup? You know how much Don Secondo likes the Mama’s soup.
Yes, Mama. Of course. Mama’s minestrone... And we’ve got Liberace... Candelabra...
None of that cold Spanish tomato soup? We wouldn’t want a social disgrace.
No, Mama... Don’t worry. Only Italian food. Everything will be perfect. Perfect for our little baby.
And Liberace?
Yes, Mama... I told you... And Liberace... and the special grappa... Perfect...
85.
INT
KITCHEN 8:45pm
WES and ELVIS are putting the apron on the
dish-washer. MACCA picks up a 20
kg bag of vegie mix.
Real veggies, swisho. I suppose this is the pick of the product, the real McCoy for the real McCoy.
JANSON comes in.
The guest’s are arriving.
Battle stations. Macca, I’ll get you to seat them thanks.
Meet and smooth.
86.
INT BANQUET
HALL 8:48pm
WES, MACCA and ELVIS
enter. They see VERSACE and DUMB who are there on their own.
Fuck... It’s those dudes from the bar...
The piss drinker.
The thugs begin to inspect the room, the tables etc.
VERSACE picks up a knife and examines it. He looks up and makes eye contact
with the three workers, he looks dark. He flips the knife in his hand and walks
directly over to them. He holds the knife in front of WES showing him how dirty it is.
VERSACE
Mr Agnolotti wouldn’t like that.
And laughs while he wipes it on WES’s tie. Then he hands it to DUMB who grabs it by the blade,
thereby dirtying it again. VERSACE
looks him up and down takes the knife off him, re-wipes it on WES’ shirt. He hands the knife to MACCA who reaches out for the blade.
MACCA
Now that’s the wrong way to pass a knife. Didn’t your mother tell you that?
Cheeky...
DUMB walks up to MACCA and puts his index fingers up MACCA’s nostrils. Lifting him off the
floor. Happy with this, the thugs go to walk away. But something catches VERSACE’s eye. He stops and turns
towards ELVIS. VERSACE reaches out to feel ELVIS’s shirt.
ELVIS
Rayon-poly mix. Drip-dry, crease-free. Exquisite, isn’t it?
VERSACE nods appreciatively. The
thugs walk off. As the thugs walk off DUMB
spins on the spot and does a little moon-walking.
DUMB
It’s a good dance floor, mate. Do you think the band will know the chicken dance?
WES, MACCA and ELVIS
observe their antics as they depart.
87. EXT CAR PARK 8:55pm
Lots of cars are pulling up at the drive They are all
very expensive cars, limos and Audis the Mafiosa type is very obvious. Out of
one steps are large, thickly built man with a big cigar. He’s obviously the DON SECONDO.
88. INT HOTEL FOYER 8:57pm
The AGNOLOTTIs
and their friends are chatting and greeting each other. Suddenly AGNOLOTTI sees DON SECONDO. He approaches him and kisses his ring.
Ah Don Secondo... I’m so glad and honoured that you could make it here tonight.
It’s for your little-girl, Agnolotti. I had to come.
Leaning forward to
whisper.
Did you really get the authentic Mama’s minestrone soup?
The guests start going down to the banquet hall.
89. INT BANQUET HALL 9:00pm
Meeting and greeting. WES is supervising MACCA
who is announcing the guests and directing them with a gesture to the NEW GUY who takes them to their
tables. MACCA greets a large fat
man, the mayor of Marbella.
The Honorable Mayor of Marbella.
(Whispering to MACCA)
It’s Marbeya...
Marbella, Marbeya, Marsmeya, what’s the fucking difference?
Death...
MACCA watches him walk away
AGNOLOTTI and the DON SECONDO walk in with their
respective heavies, they push past MACCA
ignoring the protocol. VERSACE
sees Mr AGNOLOTTI and makes
himself scarce. He brushes past MACCA
as he leaves.
90. INT BANQUET HALL / BAND ROOM 9:10pm
WES is walking past the bar,
he grabs a bottle of beer. He is on his mobile waiting to be connected. He
walks through double doors and down a long corridor. He turns a corner and
enters a small room, the band room. He starts introducing himself and shaking
hands.
WES
Hey do you guys know the chicken dance?
The band members look perplexed.
WES
You know, chicken dance... famous...
He starts to do the dance
Ah, you mean the birdie-dance
WES gets a signal on the phone.
Hello. Rafa? Shit mate, thank God. It’s Wes. In Marbella. Yeah, I know you told me not to ring... I know you’re a busy man... But we’ve got some problems.... We’ve got no candelabras... No chef... No Liberace... and that Mr Primo guy you told me to get in touch with... I think he’s dead... Hey, what? No I’m not joking.... Look we need fucking candelabras... What?... On their way... They’d better be arsehole...
RAFA hangs up.
Fuck!
WES throws his mobile against
the wall. It smashes. He picks it up again and puts it in his pocket. He walks
back down through the double doors to the hall, the hall is half full of guests
drinking champagne.
Shit... I’ve forgotten something, haven’t I? Fuck!
He reaches for his mobile phone again but it’s
wrecked.
91. INT
BANQUET HALL / AGNOLOTTI’S TABLE
9 : 15 PM
The NEW GUY
is staring at the table not knowing what to do, he practices pouring drinks,
asking people what they would like.
92. INT THE KITCHEN 9.20pm
ELVIS and MACCA find WES in the kitchen getting pissed again.
Wes, what are you doing?
Drinking, and lots of it.
Why?
Boys, we’re dead.
How many times can you die in one day, Wes?
Shut up you, you don’t know what I know. You’re going to die and you’re not going to know why. So shut up.
Ok, so tell us.
We forgot something.
Candelabra.
Shut up you. I’m not talking to you. Something else smarty-pants.
What?
Liber, fucking rarchi.
MACCA and ELVIS look at each other.
93. INT VERSACE’S DEN 9:30pm
PRIMO is sitting tied, DUMB enters
DUMB
Don’t worry, I’m here to look after you.
Primo looks relieved
PRIMO
Thank you.
DUMB
That’s ok.
He hits PRIMO
across the face with the back of his hand
My pleasure.
94. INT
FOYER 9.35
Mrs AGNOLOTTI
and SANDRA who is showing off
her dress. Mr AGNOLOTTI is proud
in the corner.
JANSON asks people to be seated
in a broad cockney accent, then he mimes it.
95. INT AGNOLOTTI’S
TABLE/KITCHEN
9:40 pm
The AGNOLOTTIs
are seated. Mr AGNOLOTTI
questions VERSACE about where
the candelabras are.
VERSACE immediately walks towards
the workers’ station, pushing over JANSON.
Other workers are clearing a path and then finding WES in the kitchen. VERSACE
grabs WES by the collar, lifts
him up and then throws him against the
wall. Then he grabs him buy the scruff
of the neck throwing him onto the stainless steel bench, opening the
vertical dishwasher and sliding WES’s
head into the open dishwasher. ELVIS
and MACCA come running in with
one of the kitchen staff and a yellow pages flapping. VERSACE kicks WES
and leaves.
Things are starting to look quite desperate... Or are they?
Pulling WES out of the dishwasher.
We’ve found the candelabra, Wes. They’re on their way.
WES just groans.
Don’t worry mate, Elvis has a plan.
He starts to straighten WES’s ruffled suit.
Wes baby, round up all the loose staff, as many as you can spare. Actually get all of them. Be one with me, Wes, be one! Workers unite!
96. INT HALL
/ AGNOLOTTI’S TABLE 9.45pm
The NEW GUY
is pouring drinks very carefully, he is asking the guests what they would
prefer:
¿Cerveza, vino o un refresco ?
He continues on
until his eyes meet the eyes of SANDRA.
He’s fallen in love.
NEW GUY
You liker... bir... guine o esoft...?
SANDRA
Champagne, please.
Sí...
He pours the glass, it overflows the glass and soaks
her feet, then sees that he is being called away with the rest of the staff .
SANDRA
Sure.
All the staff can be seen leaving the hall.
MR AGNOLOTTI
What’s going on?
He claps his hands at one
of his thugs, who approaches.
Find out who’s in-charge, and bring him here to Mr Agnolotti, please.
97. EXT ADJACENT ROOM _____________9:50pm
All staff are secretly stealing the candelabras from
the tables next door.
98. INT TOILETS 9:56pm
MACCA and ELVIS are discussing Liberace and how
to mimic him.
Put on a jacket... velvet with frilly cuffs... Lot’s of lace...
I wish my brother George
was here.
Yeah, you’ve got it mate. That’s it...
99. EXT KITCHEN 9:56pm
A large hand suddenly drops on WES’s shoulder and pulls him away.
MACCA is introducing the performance
act and Liberace.
MACCA addressing the staff
before the extravaganza
MACCA
Rightio, you’ve got your parts, now I don’t just want you to walk out there, I want you to act it. I want you to play, I want you to, fuck it I want you to be, to act to, to, to do yes, to do !!!. And remember , number one rule, out there it’s not about you, now wait for my cue.
I be the wind.
I am the wind.
There’s only one wind mate.
WORKER 3
I am the mother earth.
Fucking hippie.
MACCA walks onto the stage,
all of the people are seated. There is
an air of excitement.
MACCA
Ladies and gentlemen, your guests of honour. As the sun rests through the gates of Naxos and the moon is high, the last of the light dances on the horizon slowly, slowly it rests its wearisome feet. But another rhythm begins to play, like the smooth beat of the Algerian drum or the pasend ostrich but delicately flowing as the spring symphony runs softly down the pockets of Pammukkale, we welcome the warmth, the heat, the burning of the fire
The staff enter the room in a chaotic fashion, making
all different kinds of noises and whooshing sounds.
Hail the powerful light that warmed the streets of Ephesus just as it lays to rest and dances over each and every ones’ faces, as it reminds us of the warmth and love in our heart and but truly above all the love we have for..... ladies and gentlemen… Liberace!
Music begins to play, and the piano rises from the
stage. Sitting at the piano is ELVIS
doing a Liberace impersonation. He plays a number and the crowd, especially Mrs AGNOLOTTI, go wild... When he finishes the song...
Now would every one please be seated as the soup is about to be served, thank you.
ELVIS/Liberace follows MACCA off the stage to the back
service area.
Mr AGNOLOTTI’s
bodyguard brings WES to the
table by man-handling him, WES
is very nervous. Mr AGNOLOTTI
with his back to WES turns,
grabs WES around the back of the
neck and pulls him down to his level. This appears to be highly threatening,
but with tears in his eyes he gives WES
a big kiss on the cheek.
MR AGNOLOTTI
Thank you. Mama thanks you. Don Secondo thanks you. You make my baby happy. You make me happy. Now go and make me happier. It’s time for Mama’s soup.
WES not saying anything just nods and walks off. We see
him walk through the hall, through the double door past the bar. He picks up a bottle of beer without flinching,
continues to walk into the kitchen ignoring all that are trying to talk with
him and walks straight into the cool-room. He stops, facing the back of the cool-room and begins to scull the whole bottle.
Ladies and gents soup is being served.
WES walks out of the fridge
and begins to serve soup with MACCA
and ELVIS, they acknowledge each
other with a look.
104. INT SOUP TRAY 10.43pm
POV of soup being taken from the bowl to the tables.
Mass service of soup.
Minestroni
Every one
tries the soup
MAYOR
OF MARBELLA
Una mierda. ¿Por que no hay gazpacho?
It’s not bad Angolotti, but it’s not mammas.
He puts his spoon down and
wipes his lips.
I thought you said it’d be authentic.
AGNOLOTTI is obviously embarrassed. A
drop of sweat falls down his brow. He claps his hands. The signal for the major
clean up. Plates are pulled away from people while they’re eating. Soup bowls
stacked high, waiters and waitresses showing
not much style or class in the
execution of their service.
105. INT HALL / TABLE 32 10.52pm
MACCA and a waitress are clearing soup bowls. They find them selves
at the same table, but at opposite sides of the table. The game begins. MACCA looking at her to gain attention
but she resisting and unwilling to be wooed. MACCA tries his best to win her over with little antics, but still
she resists.
MACCA is so insistent that when
he gets the attention of the waitress he forgets what he is doing and so over
balances the plates, the plates spill to the floor and make a huge crashing
sound.
In reaction to
the sound about ten men from surrounding tables quickly draw there guns, all
pointed at MACCA. The waitress
is so stunned she just stands there.
Excuse me, sorry for the disturbance.
MACCA collects the bits off the
ground, the girl turns around and walks stiffly away.
ELVIS and WES.
WES
Elvis. Pssst. Shhh. Look.
Both heads peer from the trees, they see Mr AGNOLOTTI talking to SPITZANI. Mr AGNOLOTTI
doesn’t seem to be happy. SPITZANI
nods his head.
SPITZANI pulls out the mobile
phone, he makes a call.
WES and ELVIS pull their heads in, then WES forgets to show ELVIS one more thing, so he quickly
grabs his head and shoves it through the bushes again. Mr AGNOLOTTI and SPITZANI are synchronising watches.
Hang on, did you see that? Synchronising time of death. One twenty three.
WES crumbles to the ground over reacting.
They didn’t like the soup. I’ve been doomed by the minestrone. Help me, please
Wes, listen. Leave it up to me. I’ll take care of everything.
Primo is sitting on a chair and DUMB walks
through to the kitchen and opens the door of the fridge.
DUMB
Are you hungry ?
PRIMO
Well yes I am as a matter of fact.
DUMB
What do you feel like then?
PRIMO
ummm
DUMB
Pasta, how’s pasta sound?
PRIMO
Pasta, yes pasta sounds good, pasta.
DUMB
Pasta it is then.
108. INT HALL / DANCE FLOOR 12:05am SUN
The NEW GUY is
carrying two bottles of drink across to the table, he is working his way
through the crowd. Continuously bumping
into people. He is stopped by SANDRA
standing in front of him.
SANDRA
Hola.
NEW GUY
Hola.
He
goes and she smells the air.
109. INT HALL 12:10
ELVIS has lined up five shots
of black sambucca on the bar. He pulls out a little pill box from his pocket
and takes out five ecstasy tablets
crushes them and puts one in each shot
glass. The NEW GUY approaches.
ELVIS
Newwie, listen my latin lover, take these to the main table. and give one to each person. You understand, one to everyone on the table.
NEW GUY
Si señor, una copa por cada persona.
The NEW GUY picks up the tray and works
his way through the crowd. Everyone
except DON SECONDO is
there. He puts a shot in front of
everyone.
MR AGNOLOTTI
Thank you. Salute.
Everyone
on the table drinks, and slam the glasses down on the table. TIA LUCCIA nods
and gestures for another one and then changes her mind. The NEW
GUY walks off, SANDRA is
following his eye. He trips as he walks
away and spills a little of the remaining drink. He then looks around and sees no one is watching so he downs the
remaining drink.
110. INT HALL BAR 12.12am SUN
The
NEW GUY is licking his lips and
beginning to loosen up a little. VERSACE grabs him.
VERSACE
What the hell was that?
NEW GUY
(with a strong accent, pointing at ELVIS)
He, say me. Give drinks.
111. INT HALL /
LONG CORRIDOR 12.13am
DON SECONDO is walking down the long
corridor, a man walking the other way says hello.
MAN
Ciao Secondo.
DON SECONDO walks into the toilet.
112. INT KITCHEN 12. 13am
VERSACE storms into the kitchen and
confronts ELVIS in front of all
the staff.
VERSACE
Are you the man with the orders? I’m asking you are you the man with the orders? No, that’s right no, you don’t give orders, I give orders and you obey orders, you don’t give orders, that’s an order. You got it.
VERSACE storms off.
113. INT HALL 12.14am
The band is playing tacky music. Some of the guests
are into it and some are really bored. People are in heated Mediterranean conversations,
some are not. A few women are dancing.
There are a lot of spectators.
Every one on the AGNOLOTTI’s table, except DON
SECONDO, are beginning to move and groove to the music. The NEW GUY can be seen in the shadows
semi-hidden by two trees, he is grooving as well. The effect of the drug is creeping up.
114. INT KITCHEN 12.15 am
A
waitress is walking from the hall, she walks into the kitchen.
WAITRESS
Ready to go.
WES
Ready setty spaghetti. Lets go.
Two
production lines are in action. Meat is
placed on the plate first then the potato and the mixed vegetables. There is a great deal of talk. The cook is
very vocal.
MACCA
Another tray of veg thanks.
WES
Just ease up on the veg mate, this has to go a long way.
ELVIS
How many have you done Wes? One tray ?
WES
Yeh
ELVIS
And you Macca, one and a, well, almost two.
MACCA
Yeh
ELVIS
Well, mate you’re over serving. You want a little brocolli and a few carrots and just...
MACCA
Shut the fuck up and stick to your potatoes Mr Potato-head this is purely a mixed vegie matter. Your are standing in the way of progress. Look love take them away. They’re fine.
115. INT MALE TOILETS 12.20am
DON SECONDO is walking out of the
toilets and back to the hall. He stops
at the end of the corridor where he hears familiar voices from old times. Times of his ten- pin bowling days. Noises of pins dropping can be heard.
116. INT KITCHEN 12.21am
ELVIS
Mate, I’m just trying to say.
MACCA
Look, I know, and I would prefer you to shut up.
DISHWASHER / COOK
FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK,FUCK.
WES
What?
MACCA,WES, ELVIS and the
dishwasher-cook stand over the food.
ALL TOGETHER
FUCK
WES
We are rooted.
WES begins to cry. The chef faints
and ELVIS and MACCA look at each other.
MACCA
The main table, has that been served ?
Carlota the waitress walks through the doors. The big
table has been served.
MACCA.
I’ve got to stop them
ELVIS
I’ll get the lights.
they both run
117. INT HALL 12.24am
MACCA is sprinting to the main table. The light are lowered significantly. MACCA’s running slows to a rapid walk as he approaches the table. Everyone at the main table are just finishing. Mrs AGNOLOTTI hands MACCA her plate. As she wipe the gravy off her chin and Mr AGNOLOTTI burps loudly.
MRS AGNOLOTTI
That was, magnificent. What was in the salsa?
MACCA
I’ll have to ask the chef madam.
He continues to clear the plates.
118. INT KITCHEN 12.26am
MACCA enters the kitchen with
five finished plates. He drops them directly into the bin. Every one is silent. He slowly turns.
MACCA
They ate it and loved it, we should carry on I suppose.
Everyone
quickly gets back to work.
119. INT THE KITCHEN OF VERSACE’S DEN 12.26am
DUMB and PRIMO are in the kitchen .
DUMB
Here, taste this and tell me what you think of it.
PRIMO
Good very good, I think a red wine would go well with this. A ’94 shiraz.
120. INT HALL / TOILETS 12.26am
The
NEW GUY is leaning against the
cubical door. He is sweating.
Internally he is feeling the major rush of the Ecstasy, he begins to freak out.
It turns into pure enjoyment. He opens
the door and rolls out. He props himself up in front of the mirror, laughing
hysterically. He calms down, splashing water over his face. Enjoying the sensation of the water he
begins to play around. HE IS OFF HIS
NUT.
121. INT HALL / AGNOLOTTI’S TABLE 12.27am
DON SECONDO is sitting at the table
alone. Auntie LUCCIA asks him to dance but he’s not interested. he’s bored and
she is flying. He begins to play with the napkins, rolling it up into a
ball. He rolls it across the
table. He has got an idea. He begins to
make the perfect ball out of every one else’s napkin.
The
NEW GUY is standing at the front
of the room. Tie loosened, shirt
hanging out, and grooving to the music. He is one free puppy.
123. INT HALL STAGE 12.29am
MACCA is on the stage looking
out from behind the rubber plants. ELVIS
finds him there.
ELVIS
Taking five are you mate.
MACCA
Not exactly. Who’s looking after the main table ?
ELVIS
The New Guy.
MACCA
Well he’s not. Look at it.
ELVIS
Fuck it’s a mess. At least everyone seems to be relaxing, easing into it.
MACCA
Yep, what have you done? You’ve done no good have you?
ELVIS
Depends what you call no good. If giving half an E to each one of our guests of honour, is no good. Then no good has been done. Personally I think it was a brilliant idea myself.
MACCA
You are a crazy fucker. Not the old lady.
ELVIS
Yep, and the old man.
MACCA
Well the old guy seems to be showing some resistance.
They
look at the table and everyone is looking a little mashed up, except DON SECONDO.
ELVIS
That’s probably because the old guy hasn’t and the young guy has.
ELVIS is shocked at his own
work. He is dumbfounded. MACCA follows his eye line and sees. The NEW
GUY is kissing SANDRA and
then they both break away and begin to dance.
MACCA
Jesus, for fuck sake, Elvis... This is too much.
ELVIS
I shall undo my evil.
ELVIS runs off.
WES enters.
WES
What’s doing?
MACCA
Elvis just gave ecstasy to a Mafia boss and now he is doing something else helpful.
MACCA walks off and WES takes a sip of beer.
WES
Here’s to you Elvis, cunt.
DON SECONDO is in the back ground taking
bottles off the table.
ELVIS and MACCA have the NEW GUY. One on either side. SANDRA is still kissing him. The men break the two apart. SANDRA
is left standing there, as they walk down the corridor. SANDRA
yells.
SANDRA
Hey! What’s your name?
NEW GUY
I’m the New Guy.
SANDRA
I love you New Guy.
MACCA and ELVIS carry the NEW GUY
out the back and lock him in the back of the truck.
DON SECONDO is carrying three beer
bottle and walking slowly to the end of the corridor. He places them behind a pot plant.
126. INT BAR 12.35am
WES
Thanks for you help love, but its just far too dangerous. You have to go home, to your casa. You’ll all get a little extra in your pay packet. Now off you get. Just don’t tell anyone about the guns, you know pow wow.
WES sees JANSON is not moving.
You too, son.
Not me. This is my position, my vocation. You can’t send me home.
WES
Sorry son, you have to go. Your a great worker but, you just have to.
JANSON is walking away upset from WES, he is in tears. He stops half way down the corridor and
turns and faces WES. He slowly reaches for his bow-tie, pulls it
loose. It drops and hangs around his
neck.
127. INT VERSACE’S DEN 12.35am
Music
is being played, a tango. Pasta is being cooked and the red wine is being
opened.
DUMB
I used to dance to this in my younger days.
PRIMO
Would you care to dance now?
putting the bottle of red wine down.
PRIMO
No one will know, and it doesn’t mean you’re a... you know?
They begin to dance a Tango.
DUMB
You do realise that I have to do you over before Versace comes back.
PRIMO
If you have to. If they’re your orders.
They continue to dance.
128. INT CORRIDOR 12.36am
DON SECONDO slowly carries another three
bottles and hides them also behind the pot plant.
129. EXT TRUCK 12.39am
SANDRA
New Guy, are you there?
130. INT HALL / BAR 12.40am
ELVIS is working his arse off
behind the bar, the number of guests are too much for him and he is over
come. The guests take over the bar. ELVIS backing away from the bar.
Help yourself, go on be my guest. Take the whole bottle, take two.
The
bar is swamped. They help
themselves. DON SECONDO can be seen looking for more bottles.
The Birdie dance is being played and the NEW GUY and SANDRA arrive onto the dance floor. They begin to dance. All
the guests are going wild.
The NEW GUY
is hearing a dance version and getting right into it and SANDRA is beginning to go wild as
well, Mr and Mrs AGNOLOTTI are
hearing a sensual version, they are dancing the tango. And then there is a normal version.
MRS AGNOLOTTI
Who is Sandra dancing with my darling?
MR AGNOLOTTI
It appears to be the waiter.
MRS AGNOLOTTI
He’s a nice boy.
The
song ends and every one goes wild. MACCA and ELVIS arrive to where the NEW
GUY was but he has gone. They
look for him.
132. INT SMALL
CORRIDOR
12.45am
ELVIS and MACCA are walking down a small corridor and they are confronted by
VERSACE.
VERSACE
Evening gentlemen, I see you are having a little trouble. Drinks, tables, staff things that make you look bad but make me look great, and it wouldn’t even matter what I was wearing. I like you guys. Keep up the bad work.
He
walks off.
MACCA
Got a theory for that one?
ELVIS
Yep. He’s an “A” grade arse-hole.
133. INT VERSACE’S DEN 12.46am
DUMB and PRIMO have finished
dinner. They are full of food, drink
and dance. DUMB leans back and opens a cupboard. He pulls out a box of cigars.
He offers one to PRIMO.
134. EXT HALL ROOF 12.50am
JANSON has climbed on the roof.
He is looking through a skylight.
It looks down onto the bar. He sees the bar is being taken over by
guests. It is a mess. People are grabbing anything and
everything. They are running a muck. JANSON slowly draws away from the
window. He is in tears, a broken
emotional mess.
135. INT VERSACE’S
DEN’S KITCHEN 12.50am
DUMB drawing on his cigar. Blows.
You see, Versace gets orders from Agnolotti and he gives me orders but I’m sure he changes the orders and I’m carrying out completely different orders. I mean I don’t really know the guy. We’ve been working together for six months now and do you think for once he would ask me how are you? How’s your dog? or what did you do on the weekend? No never. Not once. Do you know the best way to pass a knife is like this?
He
hands the knife over handle first.
I always thought it was like this, he throws the knife at the door and it sticks.
135. INT HALL / CORRIDOR 12.51am
DON SECONDO is setting up his ten pin
bowling pins. He is old and moves
slowly. Once he is set up he moves slowly to the bowling marker. He is not happy, not all pins are in a line. He makes the adjustments. He is very particular, only moving the
bottles one or two centimetres. He does
this a few times.
136. INT HALL / STAGE MAGIC ACT 12.54am
MACCA is situated in the top
stalls of the hall. He is manning a
spot light. He turns it
on and a magician comes on
stage. MACCA sits down in a row of chairs, opens a bottle of red and
begins to drink. The magician walks out
of the circumference of the spot but the spot does not follow him, he tries
again, and still it doesn’t follow. He
is stuck in the middle of the stage. MACCA doesn’t care less and is happy
with his wine. He sips the Spanish red.
Mr
and Mrs AGNOLOTTI are openly kissing on
at their table. They don’t take
any notice of the magic act. Other
people are enjoying the act. Especially
the rabbit trick.
138. INT HALL / BACK STALLS 12.56am
The
magic act finishes and there is applause.
MACCA gets up and turns
off the light while the magician is still on stage. The magician is pissed off.
He storms off stage. MACCA
gets up leaves to walk down stairs. As
he goes SANDRA and the NEW GUY come from behind the chairs.
139. INT HALL / BACK STAGE 12.57am
MACCA walks passed ELVIS and the Magician.
MAGICIAN
I’m a professional and I expect better than that.
ELVIS
I know exactly what you mean. Look, take one of these it will calm you down, and I promise we’ll find the guy and shoot him, OK?
ELVIS walks away and joins MACCA. They are looking at the party.
Every thing has turned into a sham, guests are bartenders, people are
going wild. WES joins the two guys.
MACCA
This is a fucking joke,
ELVIS
Take a look, lets hope they have a sense of humour. Look at that bar.
WES
Look at that arse.
He
points up to the back stalls. A white
bum is rising up and down. The NEW GUY and SANDRA are rooting.
WES
Hey that’s...
MACCA and ELVIS are off
running. They arrive at the top and the
young ones have finished. They fall and
roll down the stairs causing a lot of
noise and commotion. They draw
attention from down stairs.
ELVIS has the NEW GUY in a head lock and the other two are on either side of SANDRA. From down stairs everyone but The NEW GUY can be seen. The NEW GUY has broken loose and crawls to the spot light, he turns it on the four of them.
WES
Singing
Happy birthday to you.
MACCA and ELVIS join in. Everyone joins in. The song ends. Everyone goes wild, a standing ovation.. More applause. From the back SANDRA’s dress is caught in her knickers. The NEW GUY runs away. MACCA and ELVIS follow.
140. INT HALL 1.00
The
Guy is running down the stairs and comes face to face with VERSACE. They both stop. The Guy
moves left VERSACE moves
right. The Guy moves right and VERSACE moves left. The NEW
GUY in slow-motion moves right and as VERSACE is off balance he quickly changes direction and
dummies VERSACE, the most beautiful blind turn you have ever seen, and
continues on his way. VERSACE is pushed into a pot
plant. VERSACE gets up and collects himself. MACCA and ELVIS arrive. A Mexican stand off takes place.
VERSACE
If your looking for the kid, he went that way
Showing
them the wrong direction. They all ease
away very slowly.
141. INT CORRIDOR 1.03am
DON SECONDO is fixing up his bottles
again. The NEW GUY is running down the hall.
He slows down to a fast walk, walks past DON SECONDO and begins to run
again. DON SECONDO looks at him then continues with his bottles.
142. INT CORRIDOR 1.05am
VERSACE is walking down the hall and
comes across SANDRA.
SANDRA
. Have you seen New Guy?
VERSACE
Have you seen the mayoral chamber?
VERSACE leads her into a room that has a sign saying MAYORAL CHAMBER .
143. INT HALL 1.15am
The NEW GUY
walks back into the hall and begins to dance.
He is going off. MACCA and ELVIS are closing in.
Aunty LUCCIA, off her nut, grabs hold of ELVIS and gropes his arse.
The NEW GUY ducks and
weaves and escapes from MACCA.
MACCA is left on the dance floor not knowing what to do.
144. INT THE BAR 1.15am
JANSON storms through the main
entrance and up to the bar.
JANSON
Stop ! Put that bottle down sir. That’s the way, very slowly. Now, would everyone please take one step backwards. Do it, right now. Thank you.
The
guest are shocked. They all move back.
JANSON
Now, madam what would you like ?
145. INT MAYORAL CHAMBER 1.18
The NEW GUY
is walking past and hears SANDRA’s
voice.
SANDRA
I only want to find New Guy. I love New Guy. What are you doing ?
She
begins to laugh hysterically. The NEW
GUY bursts in through the doors, VERSACE
turns, he is wearing pink boxers, the
mayoral robe and the stupid mayoral hat,
knee high boots. The NEW GUY
runs and kicks VERSACE between
the legs. VERSACE goes down and the
kids run off.
146. EXT
OUTSIDE THE SILO 1.19am
PRIMO and DUMB are getting into the car.
PRIMO
I think you’re doing the right thing telling the truth. You’re a good man, I don’t see why they call you Dumb. Because you’re not dumb.
DUMB
It’s rather embarrassing and I’d rather not say.
PRIMO
Go on, we’re mates now aren’t we.
DUMB
No, no trust me amigo it is silly.
PRIMO
go on.
DUMB
Well do you know Dumbo the Elephant, he is my favourite cartoon character.
PRIMO
That’s, that’s one of the nicest things I’ve heard of in a long time. There’s so much ugliness in this world and then there’s this.
147 INT CORRIDOR 1.20am
SANDRA and The NEW GUY are walking down the
hall. In a rage VERSACE comes through the Mayoral Chamber doors.
NEW GUY
Dios mío, iron nuts.
They
begin to run. Chased by VERSACE.
148. INT CORRIDOR 1.21am
DON SECONDO has finally set up the bottles and made his way to where he will throw from. He throws the ball. Slow motion. The kids are running down the corridor. As they approach the corner the NEW GUY grabs hold of SANDRA, simultaneously he grabs hold of a rope hanging from the ceiling. They swing up and around the bottles. Clearing them by centimetres. SANDRA’s dress shaves the top of a bottle. It rocks a little. The ball is still in mid-air. VERSACE is not far behind. He can not stop in time. He slides on the floor and slides straight into the bottles. The ball hits him in the head. DON SECONDO tells him off. Heated Italian.
149. INT AGNOLOTTI’S TABLE 1.22am
Mr
and Mrs AGNOLOTTI are at the
table. Mr AGNOLOTTI with a spoon hits
the side of his glass. Its time for the
speeches.
Where’s my little one? Where’s Sandra?
SANDRA and the NEW GUY come running in through on
door, MACCA ELVIS come through another. WES
through another door and everything
stops. Guns cocked can be heard.
MR AGNOLOTTI
What’s going on? Something’s going on and I don’t like it.
VERSACE enters the hall. DON
SECONDO is at his heals yapping at him.
VERSACE
Mr Agnolotti...
DUMB and PRIMO enter the hall.
WES
I would like someone to let us know what’s going on, ‘cause all I know is that I was in a bar, next thing I was in a truck travelling all across Spain and then I was the boss of a catering company and now I’m sure about to die, all because I was drunk. I mean I know the drink can kill ya. But not like this. I’m supposed to be on holiday and...
DUMB whispers the whole story to Mr AGNOLOTTI.
MR AGNOLOTTI
And I was having such a great time. Get this piece of shit out of here. Put him on the truck.
to ELVIS
AGNOLOTTI
You play the piano, yes or no. I want a lovie-dovie song for my daughter.
and you young man... You haven’t touched my daughter, have you?
Have you been... ?
NEW GUY nods then shakes his head.
AGNOLOTTI
You, what are you waiting for?
MACCA
Out of character he suffers from stage fright sir.
ELVIS slowly walks on stage. Takes a seat at the piano. He is nervous and sweat is dripping off his
forehead. He looks around and sees the time.
It is 1.23 am. He stops and
thinks. Closes his eyes and begins.
ELVIS
singing
It’s 1.23 am and
I’m alone from my baby. When I kiss her
it’s like its the fist time...
Everyone
couples up. WES offers MACCA a
beer and they watch everyone slow dancing.
150. EXT BACK OF SHEEP TRUCK 7.00am Sunday
VERSACE is tied up and gagged
surrounded by sheep. The truck drives off into the Andalusian hills. It’s a long and windy road.
151. EXT
ON AN ANDALUSIAN BEACH
TWO WEEKS LATER, LATE AUGUST, SUNRISE
MACCA and ELVIS guys are lying on the beach.
They’ve been up all night and partying. They’re still drinking beer from cans.
Empty cans are strewn about the sand around them.
Look at the sky, mate. A new day dawns. The stars, the planets. I can feel the planets. That’s where the luck comes from. Feel it tug, feel it pull. Like the tide mate...
Like the hand on your cock, you wanker...
Jupiter in the second house, the sun in Aquarius. Lucky, mate. Born under a lucky star.
(SINGS) This is the dawning of
the Age of Aquarius...
Yeah, real fuckin’ lucky. We get the shit jobs, the New Guy gets the girl.
Yeah, but that’s all Wes’s fault. Scorpio in Pisces. Bad combo. Wes is a loser.
Wes, is a fucking fiasco, mate...
He buys his clothes at K-Mart...
He’s a Footscray supporter...
Anal retentive...
Got a cork up it...
With a string attached like a pop-gun... pop!
They laugh. A foot with a shoe on it suddenly comes
down on one of the empty beer cans on the beach. MACCA and ELVIS
look up, it’s WES. ELVIS looks embarrassed, wondering how
long WES has been listening. MACCA is grinning.
WES looks angrily down on
them.
What’s going on here?
MACCA and WES avoid eye contact. ELVIS whispers to MACCA...
Check out the red shirt...
K-Mart mate...
It’s pathetic...
What?
You two...
Fuck off...
Do you guys have any idea what time it is?
Well, the sun’s coming up. What time is it Elvis?
The sun, yes, the sun. Just broken the limit of the horizon... Rising.. rising.. right up... It’s now right up heading for the low line of brown cloud, turning red...
I didn’t ask for a weather report...
(looking at his watch)
It’s half past seven.
Right. Half past seven. And what happens at eight o’clock.
(the other two shake their heads)
Fuck you guys. No memory. Your hopeless.
We’ve got to go to the village, boys. For the running of the bulls...
152. EXT A STREET IN A
WHITE VILLAGE IN ANDALUSIA 8:45 AM
The streets are brimming with spectators, looking over
the barriers separating the spectators from the narrow streets of the
white-washed town through which the bull will run. The boys arrive puffing and
sweating, tired. It’s been a long walk from the beach to the village.
Time and space... Relative, mate... Einstein was right
as rain.. We’re back in Pamplona...
(Cringing)
What am I doing here with these imbeciles?
We’re not in Pamplona. This is another running of the bulls.
You like these bull-runs, don’t you Wes?
It’s culture. That’s what we’re here for, isn’t it?
Nup. I’ll tell you why you like the bulls, Wes... because they’re full of bull-shit like you...
ELVIS laughs at MACCA’s joke. WES is peeved. A bull runs past. Its horns are taped up and it has
balls on the tips.
Hey! Did you see the horns?
So they don’t hurt you if you get in the way.
They don’t do that in Pamplona.
This is not bloody Pamplona!
MACCA points up to the flat
roofs on the houses around them. There are people on them.
Hey. You’d get a better view from up there.
Let’s go.
The crowd make comments in Spanish about WES’ red shirt...
¡Mira!...
¡Que camisa tan roja...! Jilipollas...
153. EXT THE FLAT ROOF OF
A BUILDING OVERLOOKING THE STREETS
8:55 AM
Pushing their way through the crowd they get up onto a
roof. From there they get a good view. We can see that the bull is running
around the streets of the village. They watch the bull’s progress. It is
running around in circles. Below them the crowd climb over the barrier to taunt
the bull. The bull gores one of the spectators.
Just like playing Aussie rules. Some big
bastard runs straight through you.
The bandages are coming off its horns.
Fuck... Imagine getting an arse full of that. A horn-enema.
I think I’m going to go down to that bar down there.
You guys comin’? Or are you all partied out?
154. EXT
A STREET IN A WHITE VILLAGE IN ANDALUSIA 9:00 AM
The boys are clambering over the barricade. Some of
the locals protest.
¡Cuidado
hombre!... Joder... Jilipollas... Los guiris son todos jilipollas...
Sorry... Sorry...
WES
(to ELVIS)
How long do you reckon it’ll take for the
bull to run its circuit of the town?
ELVIS
By a Pythagorean calculation, applied to
Euclidean notions... I’d say a good ten minutes.
WES
So what are these people shouting about.
(to the people in the crowd
who are shouting at him, with lots of gestures)
Excuse me but we’re just going to the
bar... Bar... comprendo... Bar...
Mira que idiota... que va a cruzar con esta camisa... ¡Cuidado!
The boys make cross to the bar. The locals start
shouting. WES thinks they’re
shouting at him but really they’re indicating the arrival of the bull.
WES
The bull is on the other side of the town... We... here... No bull... Bar there... We walk... comprendo
MACCA and ELVIS see it and run into the bar,
leaving WES alone defying the
locals to bet on the time it’ll take for the bull to get back. To get
confirmation of ELVIS’s estimate
WES turns to him.
WES
Ten minutes, right Elvis?
He realises he’s alone, with the bull. The bull is
snorting and digging dirt. WES
looks down his own body, realising he’s wearing a red shirt. He yells
Fuck!
and runs to the bar.
The bull runs after him. MACCA and ELVIS slam the door shut when WES is inside.
155. INT THE BAR 9:05 AM
The bar is crowded with people. They all look scared
when the door is thumped by the bull, then relieved for a second as the bull
seems to have gone.
ELVIS
The thump.. Did you feel it?... No probs,
mate... The bull is too weak... The door is too strong... Physics will tell
you... Gravity itself is a weak force... A magnet can pick up a pin that a
universe of gravity is incapable of keeping down...
What the fuck are you on today ELVIS?
ELVIS
Life mate, life... the life force will tell you... The minotaur is lost in the labyrinth... This bull will not break this door... The wood is too thick... The bull is not big enough!
The camera zooms in on the BARMAN’s face. He is looking out the window...
Mierda...
156. EXT THE
STREET FACING THE BAR 9:05 AM
The bull strikes the door,
then backs away before spying the open window and it charges through.
157. INT THE BAR 9:06 AM
All hell breaks loose in the bar as the bull comes
crashing through the window.
158. EXT THE STREET
FACING THE BAR 9:07 AM
We see a stream of people come racing out of the bar.
159. INT THE BAR 9:08 AM
The bull clumsily turns and faces WES again. He is standing trembling
between the bull and the door. The bull charges. WES is scooped up between its horns.
160. EXT THE
STREET FACING THE BAR 9:08 AM
The bull flicks WES. We see him flying in slow motion through the air.
161. INT THE BAR 9:09 AM
MACCA and ELVIS are looking anxiously out the
door, they did not really see where WES
went.
Everyone in the bar looks shit-scared. MACCA and ELVIS start to consider the possibility of a dead WES when a foot suddenly starts to
dangle from the top of the door. They reach up and help WES in, who was thrown back against outside wall of the bar. Happy
that he’s safe they turn to face the bar. The place is in ruins, the BARMAN is distraught. He sees WES’ red shirt and immediately begins
to blame him.
You pay, you pay...
The boys turn to run when the Guardia Civil appear in
the door.
¡Sentaos!
They indicate to the boys to sit down and start
looking at their passports. WES
is shouting at the BARMAN
It’s a myth! A myth mate! Bulls don’t go for red... It’s a fucking myth!
To WES and MACCA
What’s lawyer in Spanish?
Just don’t talk, right?
We gotta talk if we wanta get out of this one. You wanta be the quiet guy all the way to the Spanish cooler?
Eating cold tomato soup.
We haven’t done anything!
That’s right. That’s why we talk.
They don’t speak fucking English!
What kind of music will we have to listen to in gaol?
What kind of TV will we have to watch?
Shut up Elvis!
They’ll take away my clothes... make me wear prison shit!
Shut up Elvis!
It’s going to be hell. Worse than Hell! What could be
worse. Can you imagine anything worse?
WES shakes his head, but MACCA is nodding...
Worse... Yes... A lot worse...
MACCA looks horrified. The boys
follow his terrified gaze. RAFA
is standing in the doorway, he has his wallet open and he’s smiling.
I do something for you, you do something
for me, OK?...
THE END