No words were spoken as he turned to leave, just the mutual exchange of glances. Each knew what they meant. For him, it meant he was leaving for the road and the boys, the things he lived for and for me, it meant he was leaving me and that the guilt of the pleasures he lived for on the road was already building in those blue eyes of his. He slung the backpack over his shoulder and twisted the doorknob. I took in a sharp breath, we couldn't leave it like this, unresolved, a fight between us though nothing was said. My movement caused him to look back at me, standing there in the doorway to our home clad in his jersey, trying to fight the onset of tears I knew was sure to come once the door closed and he was gone.
     He too took in a breath. Both of us knowing something should be said, something to make us both feel better, but neither could find the words. He looked at me solemnly and opened his arms. Slowly I crossed the space between us and felt his arms wrap around me. Burying my head in his chest, holding him close to me, wondering if I could take another 6 months of this. His hands ran over the small of my back. Tenderly he placed a kiss on the top of my head. "You know I love you right?" he said nuzzling the top of my head.
     I nodded.  I couldn't speak, if one word left my mouth, I feared I would stop him, say all the things we should have said to each other while he was here.  Hugging me tight once more he pulled back and smiled. "Be good while I'm gone," he added before closing the door.
     My tears began in an instant. I ran through the entire past 6 months in my mind. We'd been together but somehow we hadn't really been with one another. Being in the same room wasn't enough. I wanted him to talk to me, to hold me, want to be with me, need me again. I missed all of it so much, most of all, I missed the innocent loving relationship we had once upon a time. He'd always been my first love, my only love, but after the tears subsided and hours passed by just sitting there thinking, it left me wondering if all mattered anymore?


(Baby tell me where'd you ever learn
To fight without saying a word.
And waltz back into my life
Like it's all gonna be alright
Don't you know how much it hurts
When we don't talk
When we don't touch
When it doesn't feel like we're even in love
It matters to me
When I don't know what to say
Don't know what to do
Don't know if it really even matters to you
How can I make you see
It matters to me. )
Faith Hill: It matters to me
Chapter 2

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