“You’re still here.”

Chelsie tried to stifle a yawn as she tilted her head up to smile at Mark. His arm was draped over her shoulder, holding her close, their bodies still entwined from their encounter the night before.

“Where else would I be?” He dipped his head to place light kisses on the top of her head.

“I dunno. I just thought…” Chelsie let her words drift off, not really sure what she just thought. Her friends had always told her the first one never stuck around. He got what he wanted and got out.

Mark pulled her closer to him, stroking her cheek with his palm. “Chelsie, last night wasn’t a one night stand sort of thing. I didn’t come here to take advantage of you. I came because I care for you. I wanted…I want…to be with you.”

Chelsie rubbed the sleep from her eyes, groaning as she caught a glimpse of the clock flashing on the DVD player. She cocked her head to the side and listened for movement from Leilani’s bedroom or the sound of the television, alerting her that her daughter was up and about, but no such luck. They’d both slept in; Leilani was going to be late for her dance class if they didn’t get moving.

Leilani was still curled up in bed, snoring softly, her blankets tossed on the floor, the stuffed animals scattered everywhere. Chelsie sat beside Leilani and gently shook her, urging her to get up. Leilani unknowingly mimicked her mother, opening her eyes wide and blinking before she moved. “What’s wrong mommy?”

“Were you dreaming, sweetie?”

“I don’t think so.” Leilani crawled into Chelsie’s lap. “I was dreaming about daddy, before, but I can’t really remember.”

“Maybe you were dreaming you were playing and tossing your toys all around.” Chelsie playfully tickled Leilani’s tummy. “Let’s not worry about it now though. We need to get moving, you’re going to be late for dance class if we don’t hustle!”

Chelsie piled the dirty breakfast dishes in the sink, leaving them to soak. She could wash them later, there was definitely no time now.

“Lani, do you have your dance bag all ready?” she called out.

“Mommy, we didn’t go buy one!” Leilani appeared at her side, holding her dance slippers and leotard and looking forlorn. “We forgot.”

“Oh Lani, I’m so sorry. This week has been absolutely insane. Go look in the storage closet while I get my stuff together. Maybe there’s a backpack or one of my old bags in there.” Chelsie rushed to her bedroom and stuffed her dance clothes and shoes in her bag. “We’ll use what you find today and right after class we’ll go buy you your very own. I promise.” Chelsie called out as she gathered her hair in a messy ponytail. “Did you find anything?” She almost bumped into Leilani as she scurried out of her room, eager to be on the way. She glanced down quickly, and seeing a backpack in her daughter’s hand she smiled. “Oh good, let’s get your stuff and get going before we are really late.”

“Mommy, this was the only one, but I don’t want to use this one. It smells funny. It’s all burn-y”

Chelsie froze in place, and then slowly turned to look at Leilani. She held a black backpack in her fingertips, holding it as far away from her as she could. The straps were torn, the metal zippers had been blackened and she could clearly see spots that had been burned on the outer shell.

“Wh…where did you find that?” Chelsie stammered.

“It was in the closet, way at the back. It was the only one, mommy.” Leilani jumped as Chelsie snatched it out of her fingers. “Don’t make me use it, it’s icky.”

“No…I…how did you find this?” Chelsie whispered, staring at the pack.

“I told you, it was at the very back. I was looking for one for me, remember?” Leilani huffed. “But I only found that ugly one. We should throw it out.” Leilani nodded her head vigorously, content with her opinion of the situation.

“Get your stuff and get in the van, sweetie. I’ll be right there.” Leilani ran off as Chelsie hugged the backpack to her chest.

Chelsie stumbled blindly into the apartment, not entirely sure how she had made it home without crashing the car. The sight of Mark’s burned and mutilated body was etched permanently onto her brain and her tears had been falling like a heavy, steady rain ever since she had left the morgue. She collapsed onto the sofa, her chest heaving as she tried desperately to draw in a gasping breath. Mark was gone – forever – and all the plans they had made and were going to make had shattered into miniscule fragments. Slowly, she traced her fingers over the battered backpack that was looped over her arm. Aside from his clothing and a few other things in the apartment, this was all she had left of him. No, Chelsie thought, rubbing her stomach gently. She had one more thing. The most personal thing he could have ever left her. She was having his baby.

“You took her to this, didn’t you, Mark?” Chelsie cast her eyes to the ceiling, holding the backpack aloft. “You just had to make sure she found the one thing I was almost able to forget about and you took her right to it.” Chelsie spun in a circle. “Why? Why are you pushing this stuff on me? What do you want? What do you want me to see?” She ran into the living room, knowing she had felt Mark’s presence there before. “Don’t you know how hard this is for me…to have all these memories crashing down on me all at once? I can’t take it Mark, it’s driving me insane!” Frustrated, Chelsie went to throw the pack across the room, then, unable to let it go, she grasped it to her chest, sobbing. “I put almost everything that reminded me of you away, because it hurt me so much to look at it every day and to remember that you weren’t coming back to me. It’s bad enough with Leilani here. She reminds me of you every minute and it hurts so damn much!”

“Mommy, who are you yelling at?” Leilani stood in the doorway, a puzzled look on her face as she watched her mother cry while she hugged the icky backpack.

“Oh…Lani...I’m sorry…mommy just got…distracted.” Chelsie dragged her hands over her eyes.

“You were yelling. I could hear you in the van.”

“I was upset.” Chelsie said plainly. “Let’s get going.”

“Why are you bringing that with you?” Leilani pointed to the backpack, her nose wrinkled in disgust.

Chelsie carefully set the backpack in a basket at the back of the van before she climbed into the drivers seat. She made sure Leilani was seat belted in properly and started the engine. The sooner she got this short drive over, the better.

“Mommy?”

Chelsie didn’t want to answer her. She knew that the slightest thing would set her off again; she was barely holding it together as it was. All she wanted was to get to the dance studio and get Leilani into class. Then she could continue her breakdown in the privacy of her office. But right now she just had to keep driving.

“Mommy?”

Chelsie sighed. It wasn’t fair to ignore Leilani. None of this was her fault. “Yes, sweetie?”

“Are you mad at me?”

Chelsie finally turned her head to look at her daughter. The sight of the despondent five year old with tears running down her cheeks tore Chelsie’s heart in two. She turned into the nearest parking lot and hurriedly unclasped their seatbelts, pulling Leilani onto her lap and holding her tightly.

“No! Why on earth would you think I was mad at you?” she stroked Leilani’s hair lightly.

“At the house, you were yelling, you said it was bad enough having me around.”

Chelsie gasped. Leilani had heard some of her ranting at the apartment. “Oh baby, no, no, no! I love you with all my heart, Lani. Oh honey.” Chelsie squeezed Leilani and kissed her forehead.

“But you said…”

“I was upset sweetie. That backpack…” Chelsie took a deep breath. “It belonged to your daddy. He had it with him on the plane.”

Leilani’s head, tucked firmly into Chelsie’s shoulder, nodded slightly.

“Seeing it just made me sad. Anything that reminds me about your daddy makes me sad. You look and act so much like your daddy, Lani, that sometimes it hurts my heart. But, sweetie, I love you so much. If it hadn’t been for you being born, if I hadn’t had you, I think I would have gone crazy when your daddy died. You are the greatest gift your daddy ever gave me.”

Leilani sniffled and turned her head up to face her mother. “The very bestest?”

Chelsie laughed through her tears. “The very, very bestest. If he had tried for a million years, your daddy couldn’t have given me anything better than you.” She leaned down to rub her nose against Leilani’s. “I love you so much, baby girl. Don’t you ever, ever forget that.”

They rocked back and forth, comforting each other silently, both contemplating in their own way the events of the past week.

“I love you mommy.” Leilani reached up and patted Chelsie’s cheek. “I’m sorry I found the backpack and made you sad.”

“I love you too. Maybe you were supposed to find that backpack. Maybe it’s time for mommy to deal with things that she’s tried to forget.” Chelsie confessed.

“I think we are late for dance class.” Leilani sniffled again, her tears slowly stopping.

“I think we are so late it’s over. I’m sorry, honey.” Chelsie admitted. “Tell you what. Let’s go buy you your very own dance bag, and maybe a nice, new leotard. Then we’ll go to the park, how does that sound?”

“Can I have a bright pink leo, mommy?”

“The brightest pink we can find!” Chelsie laughed and clasped her daughter’s hand in hers. “Maybe we’ll find a purple one too!”