"Where do you want to start, darling?"

"I have no idea, Momma. There's so much here."

"Well, let's get the necessities first." She consulted her notes. "A crib, stroller, dresser, change table..."

My brain ached.

We went to the crib aisle first, checking out the display models. Mom pointed out the features of several of them, advising me what would be best for Dani. Aaron demonstrated their durability by climbing in and testing a few out before Mom gave him a swat on the shoulders. I fell in love with a wooden model, a nice oak with forest green accents. Granted it was the only one without bears or bunnies, or that wasn't all plain white, so that made it more desirable to me, but it was very nice. I took the tag and shoved it in my pocket. One down.

We headed for the strollers next. Our first decision was to eliminate all the ones without adjustable handlebars. Most of them were too short for me and uncomfortable to push.

"Check this one out, Nick!" Aaron called out.

I pushed Dani over to where he was.

"It's a Jeep stroller!"

"No flowers and teddy bears?"

"Not a one, it's a man's stroller, big bro. Perfect for the manly man." Aaron flexed his muscles. "Great for dads AND uncles!"

I, of course, was impressed. The stroller was also a green colour, more of a moss green. It had big tires that would be good in almost any terrain, probably even the beach, cup holders for me and bottle holders for Dani, storage pockets, a large canopy and toys attached to the front. And an adjustable handlebar. I called Mom over to see what she thought. I had already decided it was the one I wanted though. Mom agreed it was a nice one, thankfully, and I pocketed another tag.

We quickly picked out a change table and dresser that matched the crib exactly. Mom said they had lots of storage and would grow with Dani. Sounded good to me. Next, Aaron found a terrific high chair that converted to a play seat and booster seat for when Dani was older.

"This is perfect Aaron!" Mom hugged his shoulders. "Nick and Dani will be able to use this until she's 2 or 3. Just perfect!"

She handed me the tag and moved on to the car seats. I stayed frozen in place, thinking. I couldn't imagine Dani being 2 or 3 years old. I couldn't imagine being able to raise her properly to that age. I was starting to think this was all too much for me. I'd definitely bitten off more than I could chew this time. Thinking was definitely bad for me.

"Nick! Come and see this car seat!" Aaron was hollering, snapping me out of my thoughts. I pushed the cart over to Aaron and Mom and admired the seat, but my thoughts were drifting back to Dani and growing up, both her and me. This was becoming all too real, too fast.

"Don't you like it Nick? It matches the stroller. When you take her out, you can remove the whole seat from the base and snap it right into the stroller."

"Yeah, it's great Momma."

"Nick?"

"It's fine Momma, I'm just thinking."

She moved beside me and put her hand on my cheek gently. "Do you want to go home? I know this is a lot all at once. You've had a lot to absorb in such a short time."

I put my hand over hers and pulled it away, kissing it softly before I let go. "I'm alright. I think maybe that growing up and learning thing that you mentioned is starting early."

Mom smiled. "Are you sure, Nick?"

"I'm fine. So we're taking the car seat." I reached for the tag.

"Two car seats. Gramma needs one when she's got the little sweetie." Mom grinned and handed me the two tags.

"And just wait until Uncle Aaron is old enough to drive." Aaron rubbed his hands together in anticipation. We'll need one for my car."

"My daughter will not be going anywhere with a lunatic like you." I deadpanned.

"I'll be a better driver than you!" Aaron taunted me.

"But I'll probably be the one to teach you." I shot back. "Think about that."

Once again Mom stepped in. "Alright boys, enough is enough. We have tons more to buy, let's get moving."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We stocked up on bottles, diapers, wipes, powder, formula ("You just throw that breast milk right out Nick. She doesn't need any reminders of that woman!"), towels, blankets, Lord know what all. The cart was damn full. I'm pretty sure we covered all the basics. We picked up a small bath tub and some floaty toys that squeaked and squirted water. Mom selected a handful of sleepers, little baby girl clothes, teeny socks and slippers plus a couple of extravagant dresses.

"Mom, she's too small!"

"For Christmas." Mom insisted. "She'll have her portrait taken in these."

Once we had blitzed that area, there was only one place left to hit.

"Toys!" Aaron and I shouted in unison and we hustled off, leaving Mom shaking her head in amazement.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"This whole series of toys is amazing!" I demonstrated to Mom once she caught up. "It's called Ocean Wonders. It makes ocean noises and the light comes on if she wakes up. Any little movement or sound will activate it!"

I dropped it into the cart and grinned, "It's got little fishies on it too."

"Look!" Aaron was pointing to another display. "Fingerpaint!"

"For babies?" Mom looked confused.

"It's covered, she just touches it with her feet or hands and it changes, like she painted on it."

"Oh we have to get that!" I added it to the cart. "And look at all this musical stuff, guys!"

Aaron, Mom and I selected a huge pile of musical toys and rattles. I grabbed some more items from the Ocean Wonder line. I had a huge love of the ocean and I hoped I could pass that on to Dani. Aaron picked out some maracas shaped like fish and our final purchase was a baby monitor.

As we headed for the till I looked at our two carts full of baby things in amazement. "And this isn't even everything!" I marveled.

We handed the sales girl our tags and waited as everything was tallied up. I swallowed hard when the clerk told me the final amount. It wasn't as much as my biggest purchase ever in a day, but it was still an impressive amount. Mom took charge of my sales slip and found out the time of delivery for the bigger items before we headed home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The delivery truck arrived in the early evening. Mom watched Dani while Aaron and I built her crib, change table and dresser.

"We'll need to redo the room." Mom mused. "It doesn't match the crib and she needs things on the wall to stimulate her senses."

"Yeah..I guess I'll have someone come in and paint or paper, whatever."

"All in good time Nick. Get used to this first. Dani isn't going to notice the room totally for awhile now."

Aaron and I finished up with the furniture and then hauled all the other items in by the bagful and handful.

"Let's just put it here, okay? I'll get it all put away later on. I'm exhausted."

Aaron agreed and dropped his last load on the floor. "Can I feed her before we go?"

Aaron looked from me to Mom in expectation. I took Dani from Mom and handed her to Aaron. His eyes lit up as Dani clasped his finger with her fist. Mom handed him a bottle and Aaron proudly fed his new niece for the first time.

"She's perfect Nick. You're so lucky."

I smiled but inside I wondered if I really was so lucky.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Mom and Aaron left for home after Dani had finished her bottle. Then the two of us spent the evening just laying on the floor, checking out her new toys. She really liked the ocean things, she smiled whenever she heard the soft burbles and gurgling of the water. I drew some pictures for her on her fingerpaint board - little smiling faces, fishies, birds - she didn't care what it was. Her hands waved excitedly with each new drawing. I had found my best audience.

Soon, she was yawning and I have to admit that I was too. I changed her into one of her new sleepers and tucked her in her newly built crib, making sure there was nothing she could pull over her face. She protested slightly and the ocean light went on at her cry, the soothing sound of the water soon calmed her down. I went back to lock the doors and windows and get ready for bed myself. I took one last peek at Dani before I settled in. She was already fast asleep, laying on her tummy, her tiny face turned towards me. I felt a tear, then two, then three, then a whole rush of tears, falling down my face. I shut her door softly and dropped to my knees, just inside the doorway. The enormity of it hit me right then. I was responsible for her. For her whole life. If she was hurt, it would be my fault, if she grew up poorly, it would be my fault. All the decisions about her life were up to one person. Me.

I laid down and wept. I cried for myself. The stupid idiot who couldn't control his own life, couldn't take care to make sure he was protected while having a good time. The asshole who couldn't even remember having that good time. I cried for Dani, growing up without a mother and the aforementioned asshole for a father. She never asked to be born. She never asked for any of this. And she was so good. So good. She was perfect, like Aaron said. I didn't deserve her. I continued to cry until I cried myself to sleep, right there on Dani's bedroom floor.