"No, no, no, no....still member." I shook my head with a laugh, we’d gone over this before the interview and they still got it wrong.

"Sorry, Nick Carter, member of the Backstreet Boys, currently recording a solo CD. But you’re here for a much different reason today, aren’t you?"

I chuckled self-consciously. "Yeah, very different!"

"Would you like to say, or.."

The interviewer was prompting me and I was just sitting there grinning like a fool. "Yeah, well, I wanted to come on the show for a couple of reasons. I want to announce a couple of things, there’s been some changes in my life and I want my fans to know that it’s coming from me, it’s the truth." More inane grinning.

"Okay Nick, whenever you’re ready."

I took a deep breath. Time to reveal all. "Okay...umm...okay. Well I guess the first thing is...wow...I didn’t think it would be this hard!" I ran my hands nervously through my hair. I didn’t think I would be this scared.

"Should we start with what happened about a month ago?"

"Yeah, I guess that’s the best place."

"You woke up..." More prompting, God love her, she must sense that I’m scared shitless.

"Yup, someone was pounding on the door, and when I got there, no one was there."

"But they left you something."

Oh yeah, did they ever leave me something, a life changing bundle dressed in pink. Embarassed smile for TV. "They sure did. I found a baby on my steps. A little baby girl." My breath hitched as I thought back to that day. I covered my eyes and took a deep breath.

"Take your time."

"She...I...there was a letter with her that said she was mine. I went to the doctor for a paternity test and she was. So I guess that’s the first thing, I’m the father of a four month old baby girl. Man, it feels good to finally say that in public!"

Another deep breath. It was finally out. I was a dad.

"That’s a big secret to keep. So you have no idea who your daughter’s mother is?"

I shook my head and sighed softly. "I have no idea. There was nothing with her name, address, absolutely no clue."

"And you don’t remember...."

Announcing the baby was a big one, now I had to tell my fans my not so secret identity, Nick Carter, male slut.

"No." Another deep breath. "I’m ashamed to say that last year, when Da....when my daughter was conceived, I was in a really bad place. I was doing drugs, drinking heavily, having unprotected sex, obviously. I’m not proud of any of it. I’m not proud about how my daughter came to be." I slouched down in my chair, my face starting to redden.

"But you are proud of her?"

I know my eyes lit up at this question. "Oh hell yes! She’s wonderful. She’s just such a fantastic baby. I’m not a good father, by any stretch. At least, I’m not yet, I’m doing my best for her. I wasn’t ready to be a father. So I’m learning as I go along, she’s very patient with me." Big dorky smile.

"I saw you in the green room with her, I beg to differ about you not being a good father. That little girl adores you!"

"Thank you." I blushed and ducked my head down. " I’m doing my best for her. She deserves it."

"So have you changed your life around?"

"I have. I started before I knew about my baby. I realized that things were getting out of hand. I had a lot of support from my friends and family. It helped a lot. And now, knowing someone is depending on me, that helps a lot too."

"I’m sure it does."

I sat up a bit straighter. Time to get serious. "But I want to let everyone know, the fans, especially the younger kids, I was stupid. Doing the shi...stuff...I was doing. It’s stupid. You can ruin your life. I was not ready to be a father, but because I was irresponsible, my life was turned upside down and I AM a father. I love my daughter, deeply, but I’m not ready for her. But because I was stupid, she’s here and I have to deal with everything her being here means."

"Did you ever think about giving her up for adoption?"

The suggestion shut me right up. Why did people think I would just dump her? "No, that never was an issue. It was suggested to me." I admitted. "Part of the thing of dealing with your problems is taking responsibility for whatever you did while you were under the influence. She’s mine, she’s my responsibility and I would never give her up."

"Good for you. And a good message for the fans. But what about to someone, a teenager still in school for instance, that might find themselves in this situation?"

She’d shocked me again. I had never really thought about it, that some people couldn’t keep their child. I suddenly realized I had a lot more to learn before I spoke in public again.

"I know some people may not be able to afford to do what I’ve done, raising a child is a big expense. And they may not be able to mentally or physically handle it. But even acknowledging whatever, drugs, drinking, pregnancy, that’s part of taking responsibility as well. It’s a big step. I don’t want anyone to have to go through what I did. I’m working with my manager to organize trips to schools in the area where I live, in Tampa, to start with. I want to speak to the kids, tell them my experiences and why they should try to live clean."

"That’s a great idea. It means so much more coming from someone who has experienced it personally."

"Absolutely. I really want to do it, soon. We’re going to try to work out a scholarship or something to, to encourage kids. I want to do whatever I can to help educate people. To make something good come out of this. I still have lots to learn, but I think it’s important and I’m ready."

"Fantastic Nick! Thank you for sharing your story with us and best of luck with the scholarships and your daughter."

"Thank you." Smile and wave for the fans and get me out of here!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"God! I sounded like a jerk! No one is going to want to hear what I have to say!"

I flopped back on the couch as Bec rewound the tape of my interview from the morning. I had been so nervous, I was amazed I got anything to come out of my mouth.

"You were fine." She reassured me, popping the tape back in it’s case and labeling it in her neat script.

"And the adoption stuff! I came off like a rich, opinionated bastard telling people it’s wrong to give up their kids for adoption. Shit!"

"You were fine, Nick. Honestly, you sounded sincere, you were honest. And you admitted you need to learn. It will be fine. You didn’t even slip up and reveal Dani’s name!" She wound her arm around my neck and gave me a squeeze. "I’m proud of you."

I nodded. We had decided not to tell Dani’s name on TV. Wackos were sure to call, claiming she was theirs and that they wanted money, some sort of support, or Dani, herself. Without the name they wouldn’t be able to. "I did almost let it slip." I confessed.

"You covered, no one could get her name from that."

"No, I don’t think so. Where is she anyway?"

"Mrs. Hudson was giving her a bath, remember?" Bec reminded me with a grin.

"Yeah." I frowned slightly. I was sure how I was liking this nanny business so far. I enjoyed bath time with Dani. Not to mention that I hardly spent any time with her today. After the interview, I had to hurry to the rescheduled meeting with my boat crew, then I had to head to the recording studio to lay down some tracks and consult with my producers. Then a business dinner with a suit from the company. They were worried about my image, they didn’t want me ruining it. A damn image they created that really didn’t fit me well, we’d see about that one. Once I got home, Bec and I went through the interview, because I hadn’t had a chance to see it as yet. I hadn’t seen Dani since 8 in the morning. Right on cue, I head footsteps on the stairs.

"Here’s your little angel!" Mrs. Hudson sang out, as she carried a squeaky clean Dani down the stairs. "She’s looking for daddy!"

My heart leaped when Dani gave me her smile. I welcomed her into my arms and snuggled her so close. I missed her. Missed feeling her and smelling her. I missed my daughter in the worst way and this was just the first day of leaving her. Right at that moment, I sincerely doubted I could do it again.

"You two look comfortable. I’ll go warm up her bottle." Bec smiled at the two of us and left for the kitchen.

"I trust you will put Miss Daniella to bed?" Mrs. Hudson asked.

"Of course! I’ll give her a bottle and then put her down, she must be exhausted." I replied

"I would suspect, it’s been a long day. I’m turning in then as well, have a good night, Mr. Carter."

"Nick." I grinned.

"Good night....Nick." Mrs. Hudson gave me a small chuckle and turned to go up the stairs again.

"Don’t keep that babe up late loving on her, she needs her sleep!"

"I won’t." I promised, and gave Dani a peck on her forehead. "I’ll love on her while she eats!"

Just as Dani and I settled into our chair, the phone rang. Bec picked it up on her return from the kitchen and handed it to me, mouthing the words "wacko number one" as she did.

"Hello?"

"Thank you for not putting her on TV."

"Pardon?"

"I knew you’d love her, I could see it in your face this morning."

"Who is this?"

"I don’t know what I would have done if she was on there with you, she’s changed since I left her, I’m sure."

"What a minute, what’s your name?" I was trying not to yell, remain calm Carter.

"I just wanted to let you know, I appreciate what you did. Dani doesn’t need to be on TV."

"You know..." I was stunned. This was Dani’s mother, it had to be. "I need to talk to you, please!" I begged.

"No Nick, thank you, for loving Daniella, for everything."

"No! Don’t just leave again, damn it! I need to talk to you!"

"Thank you Nick."

"NO!"

I was talking to a buzzing, empty line, she’d hung up and left me hanging. Again. I gestured for Bec to take Dani as I paced the floor.

"Who was it, Nick?"

"Dani’s mother." I sank back in the chair and covered my face to hide the tears running down my cheeks.

"Dani’s mo...? What did she have to say?"

"Thank you." I sobbed. "She said thank you."