Suzannemarie's story
My name is Suzannemarie. I am 26 years old, and I have two children. I have been married for 7 years. Being a mother is not easy adding a panic disorder into the mix makes it even harder. My attacks, as I call them, ahve been happening to me since as far back as I can remember. I think they started when my parents seprated. I didn't realize at the time what they were until I was diagnosed with Panic disorder in spring of last year. In February of 2000, my husband left me. I was am emotional wreck. I through myself into taking care of my children and my work (I'm a struggling writer). I was hainvg minor attacks then, not so bad to prompt me to seek medical help, but bad enough to be bothersome. Then one night in late April I had the mother of attacks. It still scares the hell out of me just thinking about it. My husband was still living with me ( though he was on couch city). I was fantic. My heart was pounding so fast and so loudly that I could barley hear myself think. I felt smothered and couldn't draw a decent breath. My whole body was shaking and clammy, but the worst of it was the pain in my cheast and the numbness in my left arm! I though I was having a heart attack! I woke my husband and begged him to take me to the hospital. He didn't understand at first why I wanted to go, but when I told him what was happening to me, he literally freaked out and went into the action calling his mother to take care of the kids while he took me to the ER. By the time I was finally seen my attack was beginning to die down, though my body went in to violent shivers. It was so bad that my teeth were chattering. The doctor who saw metold me that I was having a panic attack and that it was caused by stress because of the separation. He didn't seem to concrened, as a matter of fact he treated me as if I was some hypochondric and I was wasting his valuable time. He put me on Avitan every 8 hours.
Here I am ten months later and the attacks are happening to me everynight. I had a few during the day, especially during the holiday season, but they are few and far between. I don't have fears of having one while driving or while I'm in a public place, or at work. OK, I have some worries about them happening in those situations, but they haven't happened yet. I'm most frightened at bed time. To put it planily, I'm afraid to go to sleep. I use to be able to talk myself down from attacks. It worked for a while, but no longer. Then, since my husband and I got back together, I tried sex, which felt good being with my husband, also stopped the attacks from happening. Until I had one right in the middle of making love. It was horrible. And the worst part of it was that he felt as if it is all his fault sicne my attacks didn't become intense until we seprated. The Ativan didn't help. Instead of helping in any signficant way, it put me to sleep. 1 mg put me out for 14 hours! How was I supposed to take care of my children, home and work if I was constantly sleeping? So, I didn't take them. I saved them for the really bad ones, and instead of taking a full dose, I cut it in half, still leaving me dead to the world for 7 hours. Now that I have a really good medical plan I am ready to seek better treatment. I admit I'm a bit afraid. Afraid that the first doctor I see will blow me off with the line" It's just a little stress, you'll be fine once you relax." But I am prepared for a fight so to speak. I am constantly tired and scared. I haven't had a good night's sleep in months. It's starting to effect my daily routine. My kids have been late for school so many times, I'm afraid they won't pass the school year because I can't get up in the morning. Hopefully I 'll get better, I pray that I get better.
- Suzannemarie
From panic to anxiety to just FEAR! Sharee's story
Although I can't remember panicking since I was little (about being locked on the department sotres and not being able to come out and having a weird sensation in my chest) my first panic attack happened when I was 22 years old. I was on my way to work and I was on the bus, all of the sudden this weird sensation (fear) came over me out of the blue. It felt like I was going crazy. I couldn't catch my breath, my heart was beating so fast, my mouth felt dry, and I was very hot. I opened up a window, and finally I got off the bus and ran to work. My manager said I was having an anxiety attack, and she made me breath into a paper bag. I went to the doctor and he ran several tests (ekg's) then he told me I had a panic attack, and then referred me to a behavioral health department. I took a panic class once a week for eight weeks(with no meds) and was cured (or so I thought). Two years later, in September, free of panic, a good friend of mine suffered manic-depressive break downs. And my panic attacks started again. Right after that, I started a new job, and didn't like it, and I started to have panic attacks everyday back to back. Along with it came anxiety, then depression, and as I waited for my new benifits to kick in, my anxiety grew worse. I saw a therapist through a different health plan finally in March of this year. She told me to read the first five chapters of Feeling good handbook, and by the time I had finished reading, I was convinced I was having a nervous break down, manic -deroression, and that I was schico, all rolled up in one! The next day I got ready to go to work and started sweating and shaking uncontrollably. I just got back in my bed, and had panic attacks the whole day. I had to quit my job because the anxiety took over and became so overwhelming.
At first my physican put me on Buspar and that made me much more nervous, excited and anxious than before. I lost my appetite, I couldn't sleep at night, and I lost over 30lbs in 2 months. I took my panic class again, but it didn't help at all this time. My attacks had stopped, but I had become so scared of the way I felt all of the time I didn't even notice. Then a psychiatrist put me on Remeron (anti-depressant) I immediatley got my appetie back and I started sleepinglike a baby, then I had a death in the family and I went back to square one. I'm currently doing Attacking panic, anxiety and dreperssion(self-care kit) with Lucindia Bassett, and it has helped a little. I'll also be taking another class at Kaiser in June. Thank you everyone for sharing your stories! - Sharee |
