Analyzing the Laughter

Analyzing the Laughter                      
Original Airdate on NBC: 13th May 2004
Transcript written on 25 September 2004

Transcript {Mike Lee}

Skyline: An amalgam of several different skylines: 
•	Festive balloons float above the building line
•	Lights come on in building windows
•	The yellow moon rises above the skyline
•	Fireworks explode
•	The Space Needle’s elevator goes up
•	Doppler waves come from the Needle’s tip
•	A comet hurtles by

This clip show aired before the finale on May 13, 2004.

[N.B. Brackets ([ ]) indicate places where the clip has been edited 
down from its true length.]

Scene – Therapist’s Office
Frasier, dressed casually, is on the couch, while his therapist, 
dressed in a suit, is sitting over him with a clipboard.

Analyst: Now Frasier, I understand it’s been quite some time since you 
         were last in analysis.
Frasier: Yes, yes, it’s been a few years.  But like every good 
         psychiatrist, I try to come in periodically for a little 
         tune-up. [chuckles]
Analyst: Ah. [makes a note]
Frasier: I see I’ve already piqued your analytical interest, hmm?
Analyst: No, you just reminded me my Volvo needs servicing. [then] 
         Tell me about your life before Seattle.
Frasier: Ah, Boston. It was twenty years ago, fall of ’84.  I was 
         dating a beautiful, confounding woman named Diane.  She 
         worked in a bar that, in time, became a second home to me.

CLIP: We flashback to an episode of Cheers.  A younger Frasier is 
escorting Diane (Shelley Long) to the door.

Frasier: Diane, you’re a remarkable woman to help a man who’s caused 
         you so much grief.
  Diane: I’m free of it now, Frasier.  I’m free of so many things, 
         Now that I’ve fallen in love with you. [caresses him 
         affectionately] I am the luckiest person on earth.
Frasier: The second luckiest.

She moves to kiss him, but he stiffly retreats, embarassed.

Frasier: N-no, not here, Diane.

CLIP: A second flashback from Cheers: Frasier, older and wearing a 
beard, sits down at a table with Lilith (Bebe Neuwirth).

Frasier: I know, uh, I’ll simply imagine the worst thing you could 
         possibly tell me, and whatever your news is, it will pale 
         by comparison.
 Lilith: This afternoon, in a moment of extreme weakness... I cheated 
         on you.

He explodes out of his seat, as Lilith tries to calm him.

Back to the Present.

Analyst: Eleven years ago you returned to Seattle.  Why?
Frasier: Ah.  I had just gotten a divorce, and I saw my Seattle 
         homecoming as an opportunity to begin a new life.  Of course, 
         I hardly intended to begin this new life by living with your 
         father.  He’d retired from the police force after being shot.
Analyst: Ah.
Frasier: My brother Niles couldn’t take him in, so I wound up with Dad, 
         his dog, and his chair!

CLIP: [1.01] “The Good Son” Act One: Martin is sitting on the couch, 
Frasier sits with him.

Frasier: So, what do you think of what I've done with the place, huh?
[ ]
 Martin: Nothing matches.
Frasier: Well, it's a, it's a style of decorating, it's called 
         “eclectic.”  Well, the theory behind it is, if you've 
         got really fine pieces of furniture, it doesn't matter 
         if they match, they will go together.
 Martin: It's your money.

CUT TO: a few minutes later, as the deliveryman (Cleto Augusto) wheels 
in Martin’s chair.

    Man: Coming through!
Frasier: Excuse me, excuse me, wait a minute-
    Man: Where do you want it?
 Martin: Where's the TV?
  Niles: [points] It's, it’s in that credenza.
 Martin: Point it at that thing.
    Man: [sees a designer chair in the way] What about this chair?
  Niles: Ah, the chair?  Here, let me get it out of your way.

He lifts it away carelessly, and it is replaced by The Armchair.

Frasier: Niles, Niles, Niles, be careful with that, that's a Wassily! 
         [as Martin sits] Oh look, Dad, as dear as I'm sure this, this 
         piece is to you I, I just don't think it goes with anything 
 Martin: I know, it's eclectic!

He reclines backward, knocking over the TV table.  Frasier catches a 
glass ornament on top of the table.

CLIP: A clip from Act Two: Daphne is seated on the couch, pulling some 
weird odds and ends out of her handbag while searching for her resume.

 Daphne: I've only been in the U.S. for a few months, but I have quite 
         an extensive background in home care and physical therapy, as 
         you can see from my resume. [finds it and hands it to Frasier] 
         I... [suddenly turns toward Martin] You were a policeman, 
         weren't you?
 Martin: Yeah, how'd you know?
 Daphne: I must confess: I'm a bit psychic. 
[ ] 
 Daphne: [to Frasier] I'm getting something on you... you're a florist!

Martin laughs, Frasier does not.

Frasier: No, I'm a psychiatrist.
 Daphne: Well, it comes and goes. [puts her things back into her bag] 
         Usually, it's strongest during my time of the month.  Oh, I 
         guess I let a little secret out there, didn't I?
Frasier: [ ] Well, Miss Moon, I think we've learned just about all we 
         need to know about you, and a dash extra! [goes to the door]

CLIP: [1.02] “Space Quest” Act Two.
[N.B. This clip is interrupted by other clips, to illustrate Martin’s 

MAIN CLIP: Martin and Frasier are in a stand-off.

 Martin: Look, you want us to forge some great father-son relationship,
         to make some connection...

CLIP: [1.22] “Author, Author” Act One: Martin limping to the kitchen 
while Frasier and Niles are working at the dining table.

 Martin: Who wants a beer?
Frasier: Just you.


 Martin: Well, that kind of thing takes a couple of years, not a couple 
         of days...

CLIP: [11.16] “Boo” Act One: Martin sneaking up behind Frasier.

 Martin: Boo!

Frasier lets out a startled squawk as Martin laughs.


Frasier: A couple of years, huh?

CLIP: [7.03] “Radio Wars” Act One: Martin teasing Frasier after he got
zinged by a radio prank.

 Martin: How often do you get to hear your son on the radio?
Frasier: I'm on the radio everyday!


 Martin: Ah, it'll go by before you know it.
Frasier: Either that, or it'll seem like eternity.

RUN: in rapid succession we see a series of split-second shots of 
Martin and/or Eddie in various funny poses, emphasizing the “eternity.”
It ends with a more sustained shot from [2.17] “Daphne’s Room” Act One,
as Frasier and Martin share a laugh at Niles’s expense.

CUT TO: Office
Back to the Present.

Analyst: How would you describe the relationship between you, your 
         father, and your brother?
Frasier: My brother and I, though we have our differences, are more or 
         less cut from the same bolt.  But my father... well, that’s a 
         different story.

CLIP: [1.03] “Dinner At Eight” Martin, Frasier, and Niles at the Timber
Mill steakhouse.  Martin is eating heartily.  Frasier chews unhappily,
while Niles picks over his potato as if he is dissecting a large 

 Martin: Sometimes there's nothing like a good steak.
Frasier: Oh, I wish this was one of those times.
[ ]
 Martin: For your information, these steaks come from prized beef, 
         raised at... [to Niles] What the hell are you doing?
  Niles: [still dissecting] Something seems to have fallen in my
 Martin: Those are bacon bits!
  Niles: But I didn't ask for them.
 Martin: I ordered all the fixings.  You got all the fixings.
  Niles: But I don't eat bacon because of the nitrates.
 Martin: No problem.  They're artificial.  They're made out of 
Frasier: [sarcastic] They really look out for your health here, 
         don't they?

Frasier and Niles snigger.

CLIP: [2.11] “Seat of Power” Act One: Frasier proudly exhibiting his
ridiculous all-in-one toolkit.

  Niles: Is that turquoise inlay?
Frasier: Yes, it also comes in ebony and onyx.
  Niles: Onyx.  Onyx is so showy.  I don't care for it...
Frasier: Oh, I don't think so.  I love onyx, onyx is a stone that 
         resonates within me...

They argue like this for a few seconds, until:

 Martin: This is why I never took any home movies.

CLIP: [9.05] “Love Stinks” Act One: Martin showing Niles and Daphne 
some old pictures.

 Martin: Oh, look!  A picture of you in your first little league 
         uniform. [ruefully] I don't know why I said "first."
 Daphne: [taking it] Was that your game face?
  Niles: Oh, no, no.  I-I, I just lost a tooth to an errant pitch.
 Martin: Tell her who was pitching.
  Niles: I was.

CLIP: [5.09] “Perspectives on Christmas” Act One: Martin rehearsing his
song for the Christmas pageant, while Niles sits at the piano.

  Niles: Now I want to hear you really attack the note. 
 Martin: Okay. [clears throat]

Niles plays, and Martin sings (badly):

 Martin: Oh night, when Christ was born,
         Oh night di-viiiine!!

Martin’s voice cracks, and Eddie buries his head under the pillow on 
the Armchair.

  Niles: Sometimes the note sees the attack coming and retreats!

CLIP: [6.17] “Dinner Party” Act Two: Niles and Frasier are at the 
dinner table.

  Niles: Why should we care one jot about what anybody else thinks.  
         Am I right?
Frasier: Absolutely! [to Martin] Dad, do you think we're odd?
 Martin: [sarcastic] No, you're not odd.  You're just special!  Your 
         mother told me that when you were kids and I still believe it.

CLIP: [3.05] “Kisses Sweeter Than Wine” Act Two: Frasier standing at 
the dinner table, his face speckled with squares of toilet paper.

 Martin: Jeez, I thought you were just going to slit your wrists.  
         It looks like you went for "death by a thousand cuts."
Frasier: I cut myself because I was shaving without water.  And why 
         was there no water?  Because I had to move your chair, which 
         gouged the floor, which made me call for Joe, who found bad 
         pipes, which called for Cecil, who ate the cat that killed 
         the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built!

CLIP: [9.07] “Bla-Z-Boy” Act One: Martin accidentally steps on a 
bottle of oil, squirting a huge black streak over the carpet.

 Martin: Oh, the floor!
  Niles: I'll get something to pick up the grease and clean it up!

CUT TO: Frasier confronting Martin.

 Martin: For the last time, this was not malicious, it was an accident!
Frasier: I don't think you know the difference!
 Martin: Yes, I do!  That was an accident! [squirts oil all over 
         Frasier's shirt and face] THIS is malicious!

CLIP: [8.18] “Forgotten But Not Gone” Act Two: Martin scolding Niles 
and Frasier like two young boys.

  Niles: Dad-
 Martin: Are you gonna let your brother play?
  Niles: Why-
 Martin: Are you gonna let your brother play?
  Niles: But I-
 Martin: Are you gonna let your brother play?

RUN: a series of clips in rapid succession:
CLIP: [7.05] “The Dog That Rocks The Cradle” Act One: Frasier and Niles 
are surprised that Martin has not made arrangements for his funeral:

Frasier: But, Dad...

CLIP: [9.04] “The Return of Martin Crane” Act Two: Frasier holding 
his shoulder after Roz has hit him.

Frasier: [whiny] But, Dad...

CUT TO: a few seconds later, Frasier and Niles standing before Martin.

  Niles: Frasier started it.

CLIP: [11.09] “Guns N’ Neuroses” Act Two: Martin, Daphne, and Niles 
panicking after Martin’s gun has discharged inside the apartment.

 Martin: Niles was the one who knocked it off the table!

CLIP: [3.20] “Police Story” Act Two: Niles and Martin at Café Nervosa:

  Niles: [mocking] Frasier, Frasier, Frasier-!

CLIP: [4.14] “To Kill A Talking Bird” Act One: Niles starting to tell
some tale about his dog.

 Martin: Stop right there! There’s no way to finish that sentence 
         that’ll make me proud.

CLIP: [5.15] “Room Service” Act Two: Niles and Frasier in bathrobes in 
Lilith’s hotel room.

  Niles: We’re an odd little family, aren’t we?

CLIP: [9.06] “Room Full of Heroes” Act One: Niles enters Frasier’s 
Halloween party dressed as Martin.

  Niles: Somebody get me a beer!

CLIP: [2.08] “Adventures in Paradise [1]” Act Two: Martin holding a 
cigar and laughing. (he is remembering his first meeting with Hester,
but the laughter is meant to pick up on the previous clip.]

CLIP: Another clip from “Bla-Z-Boy” Act One: Frasier reaches out to 
smother the fire on Martin’s armchair, which is piled on top of 
furniture on the balcony, and accidentally pushes it over the edge.

Frasier: OH MY GOD!!!
  Niles: [yelling down] OH, LOOK OUT!!!

Down on the street, Martin and Daphne are walking Eddie.  CRASH!  
The Armchair hits the sidewalk less than two feet in front of them.

FADE TO: Office
Back to the Present.

Analyst: So, your father... for eleven years you’ve walked in your 
         front door and seen him sitting there in that tattered 
         armchair.  Tell me about that relationship.
Frasier: Oh, it’s very close.  I mean, there’s an amazing bond there 
         that just grows stronger with time.
Analyst: Yet you’ve had your conflicts.
Frasier: ...Oh, me and Dad.  Oh yeah, I thought you meant Dad and the 
         chair.  Yeah, well, my Dad’s a unique character.

CLIP: Another clip from “To Kill a Talking Bird” Act One: Daphne 
notices something on Martin’s armchair.

 Daphne: [ ] Your chair's got another big rip in the bottom.
 Martin: Oh!  Hand me my re-upholstery kit, would you? [She slings him 
         a large roll of duct tape] Thanks.

CLIP: [1.19] “Give Him The Chair” Act One: Martin applies a length 
of duct tape to the chair.

 Martin: [ ] ...A little split in the old throne here.  You gotta 
         catch these rips early, or they look like hell.

CLIP: [1.21] “Travels With Martin” Act One: Martin driving the 
Winnebago, as a car honks at him.

 Martin: HEY, WATCH IT!  I got my kids in the car! 

As he has been shouting he has veered to the left.  He lets out a 
“whoa!” and straightens out quickly by swerving to the right, sending 
Niles crashing into the cabinet.

CLIP: [2.18] “The Club” Act One: Martin opens a beer and it sprays 
all over his face and shirt.  As Frasier and Niles look on mournfully, 
Martin curses and uses his shirt to wipe his face.

CLIP: [2.01] “Slow Tango In South Seattle” Act Two: Martin lecturing 

 Martin: Frasier, life is not hard, you make it hard. [ ] You know, 
         you could learn a big lesson from this dog here.  You know 
         what makes him happy?  A sock!

CLIP: [5.20] “First Date” Act One: Martin lecturing Niles.

 Martin: [ ] All you need to know is that women go crazy for flattery.  
         It doesn't matter if it's a big fat lie: they'll still buy it.  
         But whatever advice Daphne's giving you too, must be great.  
         Because she's smart as a whip.
 Daphne: Oh, thank you Mr. Crane.

Martin winks at Niles behind her back and goes out the door.

CLIP: [5.03] “Halloween” Act One: Martin, dressed as Sherlock Holmes,
is standing at the bar with Gil, dressed as an Indian.

 Martin: [ ] So who're you suppose to be?
    Gil: Chingatchkook — I'm the Last of the Mohicans!
 Martin: Oh!  Well... that little mystery solved.

CLIP: [4.06] “Mixed Doubles” Act One: Martin is reading the paper at 
the table, Frasier is looking through his CD's.

 Martin: What are the Sonics thinking last night?  If you're two for 
         fifteen from behind the arc, why do you still give it to your 
         two-guard instead of jamming it down to your big man in the 


Frasier: Eddie, I believe that question was directed at you.

CLIP: [3.18] “Chess Pains” Act One: Frasier playing chess with Martin.

Frasier: [ ] I like to plan a strategy, like a general leading his 
         troops into battle.

Frasier takes his finger off his piece.  Martin moves.

 Martin: Checkmate, Schwarzkopf.
[ ]
 Martin: [ ] All this time I thought chess was hard. [gets up] Well, 
         see ya.
Frasier: Sit down, old man, you're not going anywhere!

CLIP: [6.10] “Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz” Act Two: Frasier and 
Martin cry after a bitter argument.

Frasier: [ ] I love having you here.
 Martin: And I love being here.  I always have.
Frasier: Honestly?
 Martin: Well, no, but I thought it would get us to the hug!
Frasier: All right, let's try.

Frasier and Martin hug whilst still tearful.


(What follows is a preview of the theme of the next act)

CLIP: Another clip from “Author, Author” Act One: Frasier and Niles in 
the radio booth together.

Frasier: Niles, I would shave my head for you.
  Niles: A gesture which becomes less significant with each passing

[First Commercial Break]


CLIP: Another clip from “Author, Author” Act One: Niles and Frasier 
remembering writing the spring musicale in prep school.

  Niles: Ump-da, ump-da, ump-da, da-da-da, ump-da, ump-da, ump-da...
   Both: [singing]
         Though some boys go to college,
         But we think they're all wussies,
         ‘Cause they get all the knowledge,
         And we get all the... 
         [dancing in a circle]
         Ump-da, ump-da, ump-da, da-da-da, ump-da, ump-da, ump-da...

Back to the Present.

Analyst: Let’s talk about your brother.  Do you have a close 
Frasier: Oh, yes, yes.  We’re quite similar, actually.  I recall 
         someone once describing my brother as being “just like 
         Frasier, only more so.”

The analyst nods... then his brow furrows in confusion.


CLIP: [1.09] “Selling Out” Act Two: Frasier and Niles in Café Nervosa,
Niles telling Frasier about “Basic Instinct.”

  Niles: Have you seen that movie?  Maris and I rented the video. 
         I don't mind telling you, we pushed our beds together that 
         night! [pause] And that was no mean feat.  Her room, as you 
         know, is across the hall.

CLIP: Another clip from “Adventures in Paradise [1]” Act Two: Niles 
lecturing Frasier about the dangers of rushing a relationship.

  Niles: It is possible to [ ] ultimately marry too hastily.  You could 
         find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really 
         right for you, [more emphatic] and then what happens if you 
         meet the right person, someone who really excites you and 
         makes you feel alive, but you can't act upon it because you're 
         trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris! 

Daphne looks at him, surprised.

CLIP: Another clip from “Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz” Act Two: 
Frasier rushes into the kitchen where Niles, dressed as Jesus, is

Frasier: What is going on?
  Niles: The man who was supposed to do the number from "Jesus Christ 
         Superstar," he couldn't go on.  He slipped in the shower.
         the man who could walk on water, but, you know...
Frasier: Yes, [ ] but you've got to get the hell out of here!
  Niles: I don't think that kind of language is appropriate.
Frasier: Oh, just shut up!

CLIP: [2.21] “An Affair to Forget” Act Two: Niles is fencing with 
Gunnar (Brian Cousins), Maris’s fencing instructor.  He jumps up onto 
the piano and laughs, shaking his hips and giving a "Take Your Best 
Shot!" grin.

Niles swashes his sword, but loses his grip and drops it on the floor.  

As Gunnar presses forward, Niles turns, jumps, and swings across the 
room on the chandelier like a pirate in a movie — only the roof plaster 
cracks, and Niles falls sprawling onto the floor.

Frasier: Niles!  Niles!  Niles, my God!

CLIP: [2.04] “Flour Child” Act Two: Niles comes in with a sack of flour
in a Snugli strapped to his chest.

 Martin: What are you doing with that thing?
  Niles: I'm forging a parent-child bond that will last forever.
 Martin: Well that's a relief, I was afraid it might be something 
  Niles: [ ] I just want to get the complete picture of parenthood.
Frasier: And?
  Niles: It's driving me batty!

Niles sits down and knocks the would-be head of the baby against 
the table.  Daphne giggles.

  Niles: [ ] I've learned a lot. I think if I ever am to go through 
         the real thing I'll make quite a wonderful parent.

Niles lifts it out of its pouch revealing to us that it is in fact 
burnt to a crisp.
[ ]
Frasier notices that Eddie has begun ripping Niles's son to bits. 
Flour is all over the couch.

 Daphne: [Australian accent] That dingo's got your baby!
  Niles: Oh, God!

CLIP: [11.04] “The Babysitter” Act One: Niles obsessively cleans his
ears with his hankie.

  Niles: Oh, she put her fingers in my ears...

CLIP: [6.15] “To Tell The Truth” Act Two: Niles staggering and 

  Niles: I can’t breathe!  I can’t breathe!

RUN: A quick series of clips, all showing Niles hyperventilating:
CLIP: [11.07] “Maris Returns” Act Two, as Martin follows him into 
the kitchen.

CLIP: [7.24] “Something Borrowed, Someone Blue [2]” Act Two, after he 
has shut the door on Mel.

CLIP: [6.23] “Shut Out In Seattle [1]” Act One, at the dining table, as 
everyone looks at Daphne’s engagement ring.  He finally passes out onto 
the floor.

RUN: A quick series of clips, showing his physical awkwardness:
CLIP: [8.03] “The Bad Son” Act Two: he charges up the stairs into a 
locked door, bouncing off it.

CLIP: [1.13] “Guess Who’s Coming to Breakfast?” Act One: in the kitchen, 
Niles takes a jump at the worktop and bangs his head on the extraction 
hood, bounces off the fridge and ends up on the floor.

 Daphne: Oh my goodness!

CLIP: [6.14] “Three Valentines” Act One: Niles, wearing his normal suit 
above the waist, but only boxers and socks below, rushes out of the 
kitchen with a pair of scissors, then stops himself and slowly walks 
across the room, holding them by the blades.

CLIP: [4.22] “Are You Being Served?” Act Two: Frasier yelling to Niles 
through the powder room door.

Frasier: [ ] Niles!  NILES!

From inside the bathroom there is an exploding sound.  Frasier timidly 
opens the door.  Niles is covered head to foot in shaving foam, as is 
the entire bathroom.  Niles walks slowly out with a look of shock on 
his face (or what can be seen of his face under the foam).  

RUN: A quick series of clips, showing his food-related quirks:
CLIP: [8.05] “Taking Liberties” Act One: Niles ordering a coffee at 
the counter like an alcoholic in desperate need of a shot.

  Niles: Machiatto... make it a doup-iato.

CLIP: [3.06] “Sleeping With the Enemy” Act Two: Niles taking a long 
sniff of his wine.

  Niles: Oh, mommy!

CLIP: [2.03] “The Matchmaker” Act One: Niles sips his latte, and 
swishes the chocolate shavings around like wine.

  Niles: [ ] Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm - waxy.

CLIP: [3.24] “You Can Go Home Again” Act Two: Frasier and Niles having 

Frasier: [ ] I’d forgotten what a weird little person you are.

FADE TO: Office
Back to the Present.

Analyst: Two brothers, same city, same field.  Any sibling rivalry?
Frasier: [chuckles] Oh, no.  Well, at least not on my part.  I mean, 
         Niles, from time to time, yes, displays a slight competitive 
         streak.  But I generally rise above it.


CLIP: [7.04] “Everyone’s A Critic” Act Two: Frasier swanks Niles.
Frasier: [ ] You see, starting tomorrow I'll be doing my own little 
         arts show on KACL, twice weekly.
  Niles: You envious reptile!
Frasier: [offers plate] Paté?

CLIP: [6.05] “First Do No Harm” Act One: Frasier rants at Niles, as a 
waitress comes up behind him.

Frasier: [ ] You're jealous that I'm having sex!  Jealous that I'm 
         having hot, passionate, sweaty jungle sex!  What are you 
  Niles: [to the stunned waitress] I'm having a latte.

RUN: A series of clips showing Niles and Frasier arguing.  As it runs, 
we hear the tango theme from [3.13] “Moon Dance” in the background:

CLIP: [4.03] “The Impossible Dream” Act Two:

Frasier: Niles, you gossipy fishwife!

CLIP: The same scene from “Everyone’s A Critic”:

  Niles: You conniving copycat!

CLIP: [3.02] “Shrink Rap” Act One: Niles and Frasier arguing across 
a therapist’s office.

Frasier: Oh Niles, do shut up.
  Niles: No, you shut up!

CLIP: Another clip from “Shrink Rap” Act Two: Niles and Frasier arguing 
outside Niles’s office.

  Niles: [ ] I’ve made a fist and I’m thinking of using it! [holds it 

CLIP: [7.06] “Rivals” Act Two: Niles dances Regan (Gigi Rice) across 
the room, as Frasier dances Poppy (Katie Finneran) in the other 
direction, as they both glare furiously at each other.

CLIP: Back to the scene from “Shrink Rap”: 

Frasier: The thumb goes on the outside, Niles, on the outside!

CLIP: Another clip from “Author, Author” Act Two: Frasier and Niles 
fighting in their undershirts, Niles laughing triumphantly as he 
seizes Frasier in a headlock.

CLIP: [3.19] “Crane Vs. Crane” Act Two: Frasier and Niles arguing near
the kitchen.

Frasier: Face it, you were wrong!  Wrong, wrong, wrong! [walks past 
         him into the kitchen]
  Niles: Oh, oh, oh-! [runs after him]

CLIP: Earlier in the previous scene from “Author, Author” Act Two: 
Frasier and Niles arguing in the hotel room.

Frasier: Spindly!
  Niles: Fat Face!
Frasier: Spindly!
  Niles: Fat Face!
Frasier: You take that back!

CLIP: [3.09] “Frasier Grinch” Act Two: Frasier and Niles in the toy 
store.  Niles, wearing a large red comedy helmet, presses a button
and a jet of water from the helmet soaks Frasier.

  Niles: [laughing] I wonder what else it does?
Frasier: Let's see if it protects your head!

He whacks Niles round the side of his head, staggering him.

(As the music reaches its crescendo...)

CLIP: Back to the scene from “Author, Author”: Frasier holding Niles 
down on the bed and throttling him.


Back to the Present.

Analyst: So you and Niles once opened a restaurant.  How did that go?
Frasier: [tight-lipped smile] A little less well than expected...


CLIP: [2.23] “The Innkeepers” Act Two: Frasier whispering urgently to 
Martin and Daphne at the stairs.

Frasier: [ ] The entire staff has walked out.  It's a long story, 
         but Daphne, I need you in the kitchen, and you behind the 
         bar, Dad. [off Martin's look] You can gloat later.
 Martin: I'll pencil it in.

CUT TO: Later, as Niles (wearing the chef’s hat), Roz, and Daphne, are 
arguing in the kitchen.  Just as Daphne threatens Roz with her fists, 
and Roz motions her to bring it on, Frasier enters and slams a hand 
down on a counter.

Frasier: ALL RIGHT, STOP IT!  Get a grip.  You're not being asked to 
         do anything that none of us hasn't done before in our own 
         kitchens in our own homes.  Now quick, Niles, kill five eels!

CUT TO: Niles hacking at the aquarium water with a cleaver.

Frasier: Oh no, Niles!  Take them out of the tank!
  Niles: Not until I'm sure they're dead! [keeps hacking]
 Daphne: [throws down her wash cloth] Oh, for heaven's sakes!

Daphne marches over to the tank, reaches in, grabs an eel, and, in a 
wild overhand swing, smashes it against the cook’s table.  She then 
hands the eel to a shocked Niles.  

Suddenly there is a flash of light and a whump sound from the dining 
room, the doors swing inward and a billow of smoke curls into the 

Frasier: What was that?

Roz comes in.  Her hair is blown back, her face is covered in soot, 
her dress is stained red.

    Roz: [in a shell-shocked voice] Big blue flash... cherries 

CLIP: Another clip from “Author, Author” Act Two: Frasier and Niles in 
the hotel room, trying to start their book.

Frasier: [ ] "The key to a good sibling relationship is the ability 
         to be open and honest."
  Niles: That actually sounded good to me.
Frasier: Well, put that in there.
  Niles: [typing] “The key to a good sibling relationship is the
         ability to be open and honest, while still respecting each
         other’s boundaries.”
Frasier: [ ] What was that crap about boundaries?
  Niles: I was just finishing the thought. 
Frasier: The thought was finished.  It didn't need finishing, for God's
         sake.  Now it's a run-on sentence. 
  Niles: Well, I-I think it's much better this way. 
Frasier: Well, I don't.
  Niles: Well, I'm at the keyboard.
Frasier: All right then, let me type! 

Niles holds onto the keyboard, whilst Frasier tugs it.

  Niles: No, you know I can only write at the keyboard. 
Frasier: Niles, you haven't written a thing all day, except to ruin a
         perfectly good opening sentence!
  Niles: [mad] I was merely finishing it, it was an incomplete
Frasier: No, YOU'RE an incomplete thought!  

CLIP: Back to the scene from “Shrink Rap”: Frasier and Niles arguing 
outside Niles’s office.

  Niles: How dare you try to steal my group!
Frasier: I don't need your group!  I've got a group of my own, half a 
         million strong!
  Niles: Oh yes, your legions!  
[ ]
Frasier: You know, I'm just a little tired of your condescending 
         attitude.  You have not missed one single opportunity to 
         run down my show or grab a book off the shelf to help me 
         "get up to speed!"  My God, you're such a brilliant healer, 
         you've even taken over the care of my Schefflera!
  Niles: Well, you were starving it of sunlight!
Frasier: All right, fine, let's just give this little dear all the 
         sunlight it needs!

Frasier picks it up and throws it out the window, breaking the glass 
as it goes.

  Niles: Are you insane?!
Frasier: If I were, "Doctor," you'd never know it!
  Niles: Oh!  You...!

As they start arguing again, we 

FADE TO: Office
Back to the Present.

Analyst: Let’s turn to your love life.
Frasier: [gives him a sharp look, then] Well...
Analyst: Is this a touchy subject for you?
Frasier: Well, let’s just say Cupid and his little arrow have 
         apparently declared me an endangered species.

CLIP: [5.08] “Desperately Seeking Closure” Act One: Frasier having 
dinner with Sam (Lindsay Frost).

Frasier: [ ] You see, I was so relaxed!  At the 
         beginning of relationships, usually I-I'm very tentative. I 
         just have this dark fear that I'm about to be cut loose. 
    Sam: Frasier...
Frasier: Oh, I know, I know. I'm just being so insecure, it's nice to 
         know that I'm on solid ground.
    Sam: Um, Frasier...
Frasier: I'm standing on quicksand, aren't I?

CLIP: [4.13] “Four For The Seesaw” Act Two: Frasier, in his boxers, 
having a horny rant at Niles, unaware that their dates, Laura (Lisa 
Darr) and Beth (Megan Mulally) have entered and are listening.

Frasier: Don't think about today, don't think about what's right! 
         Don't even think of them as Laura and Beth! [Laura crosses 
         her arms] For tonight they are just two live, breathing, 
         available female bodies who want us!
  Laura: Think again!

Niles and Frasier turn around in shock to see Laura and Beth exiting 
to the two separate bedroom, slamming the doors behind them.

CLIP: Another clip from “Sleeping With the Enemy” Act Two: Frasier 
exiting after a debate with Daphne.

 Daphne: [ ] It's not like men have never used sex to get what they 
Frasier: [annoyed] How can we possibly USE sex to get what we want?!  
         Sex IS what we want!

CLIP: from an unidentified episode, Frasier confidently speaking to 
Niles at Café Nervosa:

Frasier: It’s all about the dance.

RUN: a series of clips, as we hear the tango theme again.

CLIP: Another clip from “Room Service” Act One: Frasier opens the door 
to Lilith, in her low-cut evening dress.

Frasier: Oh, baby!

CLIP: [1.07] “Call Me Irresponsible” Act Two: Frasier and Catherine 
(Amanda Donohoe) making out passionately on Martin’s armchair.  Things 
start to get out of control when they trigger the vibrating unit, and 
Frasier flails an arm, looking for the off switch.

CLIP: [6.21] “When A Man Loves Two Women” Act Two: Frasier telling 
Niles which of his two girlfriends he has chosen.

Frasier: [ ] She was the first to plant her flag on "Terra Frasier."

CLIP: Another clip from “Merry Christmas, Mrs. Moskowitz” Act One: 
Frasier telling Niles that his girlfriend is dropping by.

Frasier: [ ] I think someone wanted to rack up a few more frequent 
         Frasier miles. [laughs]

CLIP: [2.15] “You Scratch My Book” Act Two: Frasier with Honey Snow 
(Shannon Tweed).

  Honey: I feel like I've been reading recipes all day, only there 
         are no groceries in the house.
Frasier: Well, your bag-boy has arrived.

They kiss.

CLIP: [7.20] “To Thine Own Self Be True” Act One: Frasier ruminating 
over an encounter with an ex-girlfriend.

Frasier: Perhaps she’s hinting for another ride on the Frasier-Go-

CLIP: [11.19] “Miss Right Now” Act Two: Kim (Jennifer Tilly) rips 
open Frasier’s shirt.

CLIP: [10.12] “The Harassed” Act One: Frasier gripping Julia (Felicity 
Huffman) by the arms.

Frasier: Are you as turned on as I am?
  Julia: [ ] NO! [breaks away in disgust]

CLIP: [4.19] “Three Dates and a Breakup [1]” Act Two: Frasier pleading 
with Kimberly Egan (Rebeccah Bush) as she goes out the door.

Frasier: [ ] Can I at least call you in a few days?

She answers this question by simply slamming the door as she exits.

CLIP: [4.20] “Three Dates and a Breakup [2]” Act One: Adair Peck 
(Donna Bullock) exits in the same manner, slamming the door as she 

CLIP: [1.14] “Can’t Buy Me Love” Act Two: Frasier pleads with 
Kristina (Claire Stansfield) as she exits.

  Frasier: Please don't go, I mean, child development is not my thing.  
           My specialty is adult relations.
Christina: Well, you won't be having any of those tonight. [leaves]

(As the music reaches its crescendo...)

CLIP: [2.09] “Adventures in Paradise [2]” Act One: Frasier “making 
love to himself” on his hotel bed, unaware that Lilith, her boyfriend 
Brian (James Morrison) and Frasier’s girlfriend Madeline (JoBeth 
Williams) are all watching him.

 Frasier: YES, YES!  OH MY GOD, YES! [sees them and stops]
Madeline: Well, obviously you don’t need me!

Back to the Present.

Frasier: Not that I haven’t had my share of high points.  Ha!  There 
         was one time I even dated an exotic, brilliant supermodel.
Analyst: Get out!
Frasier: Now, that’s exactly what my family said!  They refused to 
         believe she even existed.

CLIP: [5.01] “Frasier’s Imaginary Friend” Act Two: Frasier is lying in 
bed with Kelly (Sela Ward), who is asleep.  He nestles his face close 
to hers, then holds a camera above them and presses the shutter.  When 
nothing happens, he looks closer at the camera while fiddling with it.  
It goes off in his face, blinding him with the flash, and causing him 
to wake Kelly up.  He quickly hides the camera under his pillow.

  Kelly: What was that?!
Frasier: Nothing, nothing.

The camera begins rewinding.

  Kelly: What's that noise?
Frasier: I don't hear anything.

Kelly searches and finds the camera.

  Kelly: You took a picture of me while I was asleep?!
Frasier: Absolutely not!  
  Kelly: Then what is this?!
Frasier: This is... it's your going away present.  Bon Voyage. 

Frasier offers it to her but she refuses.

  Kelly: You're disgusting!
Frasier: Oh, no, Kelly, Kelly, listen, please, you don't understand.

Kelly starts throwing the pillows at him in anger.

  Kelly: I don't believe this!  Get out! [Frasier protests] Get out!

CUT TO: a few minutes later.  Frasier is urging Martin, Niles, and 
Daphne inside the apartment and pointing to the dining table.

Frasier: Oh, look, look, TWO wine glasses!
 Daphne: Oh, yes, one for you, one for her, that proves it all right!

Daphne gives the others a panicked look which Frasier notices.

Frasier: [psychotic] I AM NOT CRAZY! [sits on the sofa in a rage] 
         I am dating a supermodel zoologist! [ ] [breaking down] 
         Is that so hard to believe?!

Frasier collapses on the sofa.  Kelly storms back in.

  Kelly: Frasier, I want to... [notices crowd] Oh! [ ] Where were you 
         all hiding, under the bed?! [begins to rip out film from 
         Frasier's camera] You know, it makes me sick to think I even 
         spent one night with you, let alone two!  I have known a lot 
         of reptiles and looked under a lot of rocks in my life, but I 
         have never seen anything slither out quite as slimy and 
         repulsive as you!

Kelly exits in anger. [ ] Frasier rises and looks at the three in 
a sophisticated, macho, "I was right, you were wrong" kind of way.

Frasier: Well... what do you think of me now?


CLIP: Another clip from “First Date” Act One: Niles talking to Daphne.

  Niles: What's that perfume you're wearing?
 Daphne: [smiling] Leave it to you to notice.  It's Obsession.
  Niles: No!  No it isn't!  I was just curious.

[Second Commercial Break]


CLIP: [2.17] “Daphne’s Room” Act Two: Frasier is caught behind the door 
of Daphne’s bathroom.  She comes in, humming “The Blue Danube” disrobes 
herself and steps into the shower.  Eddie comes running in and begins 
drinking from the toilet.  Daphne sees him.

 Daphne: [to Eddie] What are you doing?  It's disgusting, you filthy 

Frasier is horrified, thinking she's seen him.

 Daphne: Get out of here right now, get out!
Frasier: Daphne, I'm so sorry!

Daphne SCREAMS loudly, causing Frasier to run out, also screaming.

FADE TO: Office
Back to the Present.

Analyst: It occurs to me there’s one key woman in your life that has 
         not been a romantic object for you: Daphne.
Frasier: Yes.
Analyst: She’s lived with you for years, yet it was your brother who 
         fell in love with her.  As the kids say, what’s up with that?
Frasier: Well, I can appreciate what Niles sees in her.  She’s a lovely 
         woman.  But not without her... quirks.

CLIP: [1.12] “Miracle on 3rd or 4th Street” Act One: Daphne sweeping up 
a mess on the coffee table and declining an invitation to spend 
Christmas with the Cranes.

 Daphne: No, I promised my Uncle Jackie I'd fly down to San Francisco 
         to be with him.
 Martin: Well, I guess you should be with your family at this time of 
         year, it's more traditional.
 Daphne: Except that Jackie's a transvestite.  Getting a bit long in 
         the tooth for it too, if you ask me.  Last Thanksgiving he ate 
         too much turkey and I had to cut him out of his pantyhose.

CLIP: Another clip from “Adventures in Paradise [1]” Act One: Daphne 
admiring Martin with a Cuban cigar in his mouth, as Niles begins to 
light it.

 Daphne: Oh, I love to see a man with a cigar. [Niles turns toward 
         her, leaving Martin hanging] It reminds me of my grandfather.  
         Morning to night, he used to sit with a great big stogie          
         dangling from his lips. [ ] Then he'd take out his teeth with 
         the cigar still in them and chase us around the room! [ ] You 
         can't buy memories like that.

CLIP: Another clip from “Give Him The Chair!” Act One: Daphne sits in 
the new leather recliner Frasier has bought.

 Daphne: This is comfy.  Although it's a little on the soft side.  
         I prefer... 

Frasier switches on the vibrating massage. 

 Daphne: Hello!  Ohh... ohh... 
[ ]
The front door starts to open.

Frasier: Oh, quick, quick, that's Dad.  Get out, get out, get out!
         [pulls Daphne out of the chair]
 Daphne: Oh, all right.  Just like a man, now you've had your fun, 
         you don't care where I am!

CLIP: Another clip from “Three Valentines” Act Three: Daphne and Martin 
having dinner.

 Daphne: [ ] When I think about how I enjoy looking after you, 
         and how you always seem to miss me when I've been gone 
         for too long, well it's sort of like you're my...
 Martin: [smiling] What?
[ ]
Daphne: [ ] Well, it's sort of like you're my pet.

RUN: a series of clips in rapid succession:

CLIP: from an unidentified episode, Daphne coming from the hallway as 
Frasier hangs up his coat, greeting him “Dr. Crane.”

CLIP: from an unidentified episode, Daphne rising from the table and 
greeting him “Dr. Crane.”

CLIP: Another clip from “You Scratch My Book” Act Two: Daphne 
ecstatically throwing her arms around Niles and kissing his cheek, 
which he happily receives.

 Daphne: Oh, Dr. Crane!

CLIP: Another clip from “Dinner At Eight” Act One: Daphne coming from 
her room and seeing Martin in his new clothes.

 Daphne: Well, aren’t you a bobby dazzler?

CLIP: Another clip from “The Good Son” Act Two: Frasier opens the door 
to Daphne, who has a hand down her blouse, adjusting her bra.

 Daphne: [ ] Caught me with me hand in the biscuit tin!

CLIP: Another clip from “You Scratch My Book” Act One: Daphne writing a 
check for Niles.

 Daphne: Well, your brother just gave me two hundred dollars, and now 
         he's going to roll me over.

Niles freezes, torn between mortification and fantasy.

CLIP: [7.11] “The Fight Before Christmas” Act One: Daphne talking with 
Roz in the hallway.

 Daphne: [ ] I can't very well discuss it with Dr. Crane, he's so close 
         to Dr. Crane, if I told him he might tell Dr. Crane and then 
         Dr. Crane might feel embarrassed.
    Roz: Yeah, why confuse things?

CLIP: [2.22] “Agents in America, Part III” Act One: Daphne bringing a 
tea tray to Bebe Glazer (Harriet Sansom Harris).

 Daphne: Here we are!  One cup of tea, half Darjeeling, half 
         Chamomile, skim milk, a packet of sweetener — oh, and 
         I thought you might enjoy a nice fat-free tea biscuit.  
         Will there be anything else?
   Bebe: No.  You run along, I'm fine.
 Daphne: You're sure now?  Because I could wait until you finish the 
         biscuit and floss your teeth for you.
   Bebe: [ ] [bites the tea biscuit] This cookie tastes like meat!
 Daphne: Yes, and it'll remove tartar, and give you a nice, shiny 

She tosses another biscuit to Eddie and exits, triumphant.  

FADE TO: Office
Back to the Present.

Analyst: How did you feel about Niles and Daphne getting together?  Did 
         it make you jealous?
Frasier: No, no, I was happy for them.  Especially after the long, 
         rocky road it took them to get there.

CLIP: Another clip from “Dinner At Eight” Act One: Frasier introduces 
Niles to Daphne.

Frasier: [ ] This is my brother Niles.

Niles turns with a friendly smile – and is dumbstruck.

  Niles: Hmm... you're Daphne?
 Daphne: Why, yes I am.

Niles goes over to her eagerly, and they shake hands; he holds on, 
a little lost for words.

  Niles: When Frasier told me he'd hired an Englishwoman, I pictured
         someone a little more... not quite so... you're Daphne?

CLIP: Another clip from “Sleeping With The Enemy” Act Two: Daphne 
talking about sudden attraction.

 Daphne: [ ] You could be standing next to a person month after 
         month, [taps Niles’ shoulder for example] and then the next 
         thing you know, you're tearing each other's clothes off!  
         There's a word for it...
  Niles: [to himself] Hope.
 Daphne: Hmmm? [he shrugs innocently]

CLIP: Another clip from “Mixed Doubles” Act Two: Niles and Daphne 
sitting at the bar together.

 Daphne: [ ] You ask me, you were too good for that Adelle.
  Niles: [ ] You know, the truth is, my heart was never really in that 
         relationship. [ ] Someone else who was too much on my mind.
 Daphne: I had a feeling, Dr. Crane.
  Niles: You did?
 Daphne: Yes.  As long as you still have feelings for your wife, you 
         know you can't be involved with anyone else. [ ] I know I'd 
         never get involved with a man who was separated.
  Niles: Even if he'd worshipped you from the day he laid eyes on you?
 Daphne: And don't think that's not just how they put it, too! 

CLIP: [1.17] “A Mid-Winter Night’s Dream” Act One: Niles and Daphne 
alone in Maris’ gothic mansion, during a thunderstorm.  Lightning 
flashes, and the lights go out.

 Daphne: Oh my, there goes the electricity.  What do we do now? 

Niles puts a finger to his lips very seriously.

CLIP: Another clip from “First Date” Act Two: Niles and Daphne in his 
kitchen, chopping vegetables in rhythm.

 Daphne: Dum-da, dum-da, dum-da, dum-da...
  Niles: Heart and soul, 
         I fell in love with you,
         Heart and soul, 
         The way a fool would do...

Their singing continues over the next few clips:

CLIP: Another clip from “Something Borrowed, Someone Blue [2]” Act One: 
Niles and Daphne dancing tenderly together.

CLIP: [6.13] “The Show Where Woody Shows Up” Act Two: Daphne and Niles 
sharing a bottle of wine in front of the television.

 Daphne: [tipsy] That wine went straight to my head.
  Niles: [re-filling her glass] Let’s kill off the bottle, shall we?

CLIP: [3.13] “Moon Dance” Act Two: Niles and Daphne dancing the 

   Both: [v.o.] Madly!  
         Because you held me tight...

He twirls her, and she throws her leg up on her shoulder.

CLIP: Another clip from “Adventures in Paradise [1]” Act Two: Daphne 
teaching Niles how to blow smoke rings, holding her face inches from 
his as they pucker their lips and stick their tongues out at each 

   Both: [v.o.] And stole a kiss in the night!

RUN: a series of clips, as a piano melody of “Heart & Soul” continues 
to play:

CLIP: Another clip from “Moon Dance” Act One: Niles and Daphne do the 
samba together.

CLIP: [7.14] “Big Crane On Campus” Act Two: Niles and Daphne cooking 
in Frasier’s kitchen.

  Niles: Cheesecloth. 

She mops his brow.

CLIP: [8.02] “And The Dish Ran Away With The Spoon [2]” Act Four: 
Niles and Daphne dancing on the rooftop.

 Daphne: [v.o. from next clip] I have a feeling that before very 

CLIP: Another clip from “First Date” Act Two: Daphne and Niles standing 
at the sideboard.

 Daphne:’ll be sitting down to a nice, romantic dinner 
         with the woman of your dreams.
  Niles: [hands her a wineglass] I think you may just be right.

CLIP: [7.10] “Back Talk” Act Two: Frasier in bed with Daphne standing 
over him.

Frasier: [ ] [dizzy] Oh my, my head.
 Daphne: Oh, it must be those pills.  Come on, let me give you that 
         massage while you can still feel it.
Frasier: All right.
[ ]
 Daphne: [ ] [as she is massaging him] When I said to your father, "Dr. 
         Crane's in love with me," he said it's been going on for six 
         years now.  What did he mean by that?
Frasier: [ ] He meant Niles! [ ] He's crazy about you!

CLIP: Another clip from “Something Borrowed, Someone Blue [2]” Act Two: 
Frasier and Niles in the hotel room together.

Frasier: Daphne knows that you have feelings for her.  She's known 
         for some time. 
  Niles: How?
Frasier: Well, it's a long story, but...

CUT TO: a few minutes later.  Niles and Daphne are standing on the 
terrace together.

 Daphne: Dr. Crane, I still haven't answered your question.
  Niles: Yes, I know.  That's why I keep talking. [ ] You know, a lot 
         of times...
 Daphne: Oh, for God's sake, Dr. Crane!  

She throws herself at him and kisses him deeply.

  Niles: [as the kiss breaks] I think you can call me Niles now.

CLIP: [10.01] “The Ring Cycle” Act One: Niles and Daphne in the Reno 
wedding chapel.

 Daphne: I, Daphne Moon, do take thee, Niles Crane, as my husband.
[ ]
  Niles: I, Niles Crane, do take thee, Daphne Moon, as my wife.  
[ ]
Minister: [Sam Johnson] By the power vested in me by the state of 
          Nevada, county of Washoe, and the all-new Lucky 7 Resort 
          and Casino, I now pronounce you Husband and Wife.
[ ]
Niles and Daphne embrace and kiss.

Minister: [v.o.] Hey, don't forget to check out our topless buffet.

FADE TO: Office
Back to the Present.

Analyst: Let’s focus on Roz.  It sounds like she’s had her own romantic 
         failures.  Has that made you closer friends?
Frasier: Well, I suppose it has.  Roz might be the only person in 
         Seattle who’s been more unlucky in love than I.


CLIP: Another clip from “Adventures in Paradise [1]” Act Two: Frasier 
telling Roz excitedly about his new girlfriend.

    Roz: Get married, have a couple of kids, move out to the country, 
         buy a puppy, live happily ever after!  Just don't tell me 
         about it, I need a boyfriend!

CLIP: [2.20] “Breaking The Ice” Act One: Frasier and Roz in the booth.

    Roz: [ ] I told a guy I love him.
Frasier: Somebody you know this time?

CLIP: [6.24] “Shut Out In Seattle [2]” Act Three: Roz, horrified 
after Bulldog offers to buy her dinner.

    Roz: [ ] He's crossed the line.  He actually thinks we're dating!
Frasier: Roz, didn't your mother warn you that sex could lead to things 
         like dating?

CLIP: [2.14] “Fool Me Once, Shame On You...” Act One: Roz standing over 
Frasier and Niles’ table in the café.

    Roz: [ ] Every time we sit together, you have some kind of snide 
         remark to make.
  Niles: Name one.
    Roz: Well, last week you told me my bedroom was easier to get 
         into than a community college.

Frasier and Niles laugh.

CLIP: Another clip from “Mixed Doubles” Act One: Roz helping a tearful 
Daphne from the hallway.

    Roz: If the jewelry wasn’t that good, and the sex wasn’t that good, 
         what have you really lost here?

CLIP: [1.11] “Death Becomes Him” Act One: Frasier and Roz in the 

Frasier: Why is it that every time we try to have a serious discussion, 
         we end up talking about your sex life?
    Roz: Because I have one.

CLIP: Another clip from “Halloween” Act One: Frasier and Roz in the 
booth, after Roz is afraid she is pregnant.

    Roz: [ ] No one is more careful than I am when it comes to birth 
         control.  But then again, even the best protection is only 
         effective ninety-nine out of a hundred times.  I can't beat 
         those odds.

CLIP: [4.01] “The Two Mrs. Cranes” Act One: Frasier and Roz in the 

Frasier: [ ] You didn't happen to remember to bring my...
    Roz: Oh, your opera glasses!  I'm so sorry, they completely
         slipped my mind. 
Frasier: I wouldn't really mind, if you hadn't borrowed them to ogle 
         that bodybuilder that moved in across the street. 
    Roz: [ ] It's not like I copied his name off his mailbox, so I 
         could look up his number and call him while he was in the 
         shower, so I could watch him cross the room naked to answer 
         the phone in front of the picture window.  That would be 
Frasier: [ ] I refuse to squint through Pagliacci while you're trying 
         to watch The Magic Flute!

CLIP: [4.18] “Ham Radio” Act Two: Frasier and Roz are trying to read 
a radio play, but Roz has just come from an emergency stop at the 

Frasier: [as an inspector] This is a grisly business, Miss Klondike.
    Roz: [muffled British accent] I can't beweive any of my guests cod 
         be a... mopible mupuder.

CLIP: Another clip from “Halloween” Act One: Roz, dressed in a saucy 
black leather S&M outfit, introducing herself at Niles’ Halloween 

    Roz: I’m “O”, from “The Story of ‘O’.”
 Guests: Oh...

RUN: A series of clips:

CLIP: [2.07] “The Candidate” Act One: Bulldog smacks Roz on the 
behind, and, as she spins round in fury, sticks his tongue out 
at her.  She grabs the tongue and smacks it with the sharp corner 
of the cart in her hand.

CLIP: [9.08] “The Two Hundredth” Act One: Roz slaps Bulldog down in 
the archives.

CLIP: Another clip from “Adventures in Paradise [1]” Act Two: Frasier 
is telling Roz about his new girlfriend again, causing her to scream 
and batter her clipboard against her forehead.

CLIP: Another clip from “Halloween” Act One: Roz, frazzled, hands 
Frasier over to his next caller.

    Roz: [ ] We have, uh, Ted, who is feeling a little disconnected.
Frasier: Go ahead, Ted.

Roz pushes a button to connect Ted.  Frasier hears a dial tone.  Roz 
gasps and covers her mouth with her hands.

CLIP: Another clip from “Love Stinks” Act Two: Frasier is comforting 
Roz after she’s dumped her boyfriend.

Frasier: You know, Roz, it seems you and I are more alike than we 
    Roz: [breaking down] Okay, now I'm really miserable!

FADE TO: Office
Back to the Present.

Analyst: Ever have that embarrassing experience where you have to run 
         to the john during a session?
Frasier: Not that I recall.
Analyst: Lucky you. [drops his clipboard] Be right back.


CLIP: [11.18] “Match Game” Act One: Frasier ranting at Charlotte 
(Laura Linney).

Frasier: Meanwhile my dad is engaged, my brother is expecting his 
         first child, while I am left to spin aimlessly on the 
         dating hamster wheel.

[Third Commercial Break]


CLIP: [1.05] “Here’s Looking At You” Act One: Frasier is doing his 

   Doug: [v.o., Jeff Daniels] I hate it when intellectual pinheads 
         with superiority complexes nit-pick your grammar when they 
         come to you for help.  That's what I got a problem with! 
         [hangs up]
Frasier: I think what he means is, that is a thing with which he has 
         a problem. [Roz rolls her eyes]

FADE TO: Office
Back to the Present.

Analyst: Let’s change the subject here.  How did you get into radio?
Frasier: Well, I’d enjoyed private practice, but I felt the desire to 
         reach a larger audience.
Analyst: No, I mean how did you get started?  People are always telling 
         me I have a great voice, uh... sorry, off the subject.
Frasier: Indeed, indeed.  My radio career has been rewarding, even if 
         there have been some bumpy moments.

RUN: a series of clips showing Frasier on the job:

CLIP: [3.03] “Martin Does It His Way” Act One: Frasier is doing his 

Frasier: [ ] On line four we have... Roz?

Roz has a mouthful of a peanut butter sandwich, and cannot speak.
[ ]
Frasier: We have... [Roz points to her eye] Eye... [she leans to her 
         left] Lean. [she nods] Eileen.

CLIP: [3.24] “You Can Go Home Again” Act One: Fraser is leaning back 
in his chair taking a call.

Frasier: Please, go ahead.

He topples over backwards in his chair, losing his mike and headphones.

CLIP: Another clip from “Dinner At Eight” Act Two: Frasier with Roz in 
her booth.

Frasier: [enthusiastic] Who's got the best talk show in Seattle?
    Roz: [waves paper around like a half-hearted cheerleader]
         We do, we do.
Frasier: [shakes his fist] All right!

CLIP: Another clip from “You Can Go Home Again” Act One: Frasier 
warming up before his first show by doing “me-me-me-me’s” and little 
war whoops.

CLIP: [1.16] “The Show Where Lilith Comes Back” Act One: Frasier 
seethes, glaring at Roz through the glass.

CLIP: Another clip from “Room Service” Act One: Roz throws off her 
headphones to rush to the bathroom.

CLIP: [11.01] “No Sex Please, We’re Skittish” Act One: Frasier throws 
off his headphones in shock at seeing Roz behind the glass.

CLIP: Another clip from “You Can Go Home Again” Act One.

Frasier: [ ] Abe Lincoln had a brighter future when he picked up 
         his tickets at the box office!

CLIP: [1.23] “Frasier Crane’s Day Off” Act Two: Frasier pushes a button 
on his console, and a bomb explodes, lifting him into the air and 
raining debris down on the console.

CLIP: [6.11] “Good Samaritan” Act One: Frasier is doing his show.

Stephen: [v.o., Ron Howard] I think I'm losing my mind, Dr. Crane.  
         People are talking to me through my radio.
[ ]
Frasier: Stephen, turn your radio down.
Stephen: And it knows my name!

CLIP: Another clip from “Martin Does It His Way” Act One: Frasier is 
taking a call.

 Eileen: [v.o., Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio] [ ] You must have the 
         most sensuous voice on earth.
Frasier: [sensuously] Oh, I don’t know, Eileen.

CLIP: Another clip from “Selling Out” Act One: Frasier is taking a 

Frasier: [ ] At Cornell University they have [ ] the tunneling electron 
         microscope.  Now, this microscope is so powerful that by 
         firing electrons you can actually see images of the atom. [ ] 
         Roger, if I were using that microscope right now... I still 
         wouldn't be able to locate my interest in your problem.

CLIP: [7.16] “Something About Dr. Mary” Act One: Frasier signs off, 
with Mary Thomas (Kim Coles) as his producer.

Frasier: [ ] Well then, this is Dr. Frasier Crane...
   Mary: ...and Dr. Mary!

He punches the off-air button, annoyed.

CLIP: Another clip from “Something About Dr. Mary” Act One: Frasier 
confronting Niles. 

Frasier: Why don't you play me and I'll be Mary.
  Niles: All right.  Uh, Mary?
Frasier: Frasier!
  Niles: I've been meaning to speak to you.  You know, people listen 
         to the show for my expertise.
Frasier: So, you want me to stay in my place, Massa?
[ ]
Frasier: What, am I getting too uppity for you?  You sherry-swelling, 
         opera-loving, Armani-wearing elitist!  You have no idea how 
         difficult it is for a black woman in a white man's world!
  Niles: Frasier...
Frasier: I don't think so!

CLIP: Another clip from “Good Samaritan” (?) Act One: Frasier in his 

Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane – I’m listening.

CLIP: [1.09] “Selling Out” Act One: Bulldog raps his knuckles against 
Frasier’s forehead.

Bulldog: Hello?

CLIP: Another clip from “The Good Son” Act One: Roz evaluating 
Frasier’s latest show.

    Roz: [ ] You dropped two commercials, [ ] you spilled yogurt on the 
         control board, and you kept referring to Jerry - with the 
         identity crisis - as “Jeff.”

CLIP: Another clip from “You Can Go Home Again” Act One: Frasier and 
Roz in the booth together.

Frasier: [ ] Did you ever think I’d stay on the air this long?
    Roz: Oh, hell no.

CLIP: Another clip from “Space Quest” Act One: Bulldog bangs his gong 
and blows his whistle, motioning Frasier out the door.

CLIP: [3.01] “She’s The Boss” Act Two: Frasier and Roz doing the late-
night show.

Frasier: [ ] Who wants to talk about SEX?!  Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, 
         sex, sex!

Roz plays a cart.  There is the sound of a whip cracking.

Frasier: YEAH!

CLIP: [1.04] “I Hate Frasier Crane” Act One: Frasier concludes some 
scathing remarks to a critic.

Frasier: I’m Dr. Frasier Crane.

He twirls his microphone around, then blows on the end and “holsters” 
it in his belt.

FADE TO: Office
Back to the Present.

Analyst: I’ve got a pretty good handle on your background now.  Let’s 
         talk about this past year.
Frasier: Life is good.  I’m seeing a wonderful woman who I’m crazy 
         about, and she seems to like me too.
Analyst: There’s a big “but,” isn’t there?
Frasier: Yes, Charlotte is moving back to Chicago.  But we’re enjoying 
         the time we have.  And fortunately, with Niles and Daphne 
         expecting, and Dad and Ronee engaged, there’s plenty of 
         excitement in the air.

CLIP: [11.02] “A Man, A Plan, and A Gal: Julia” Act Two: Daphne and 
Martin talk while Frasier and Niles examine his imported hand towels.

 Martin: [ ] So, what are you hoping for, boy or girl?
 Daphne: Oh, I don't know.  Be kind of nice to have a boy.
Frasier: Niles, just look at the edging on this.
  Niles: Have you ever?  Have you ever?  And look, this is all hand-stitched.
Frasier: Mm-hmm.
 Daphne: [philosophically] Or a girl.  Either way.

CLIP: [11.20] “And Frasier Makes Three” Act Two: Martin approaches 
Ronee (Wendie Malick) with her engagement ring.

 Martin: [ ] Your hand is kinda underdressed.

He holds the ring out to her, and she takes it excitedly.

  Ronee: Oh, my God!  Marty, it's gorgeous.  I love it and I love you,
         in that order.

He laughs, and they hug.

CLIP: Another clip from “Match Game” Act One: Charlotte opens the door 
to Frasier.

Charlotte: Hi!  Welcome to Charlotte’s Web: a matchmaking service.  
           Come in!
  Frasier: [ ] Oh, I see what happened.  I must have been so engrossed 
           in my paper I went right past my floor.
Charlotte: Of course.  It can be a little embarrassing to admit you 
           need help in the romance department, please come in.

CLIP: Another clip from “Miss Right Now” Act One: Frasier talking to 
Niles in the café.

Frasier: [ ] I can't stop thinking about this woman I've met.  It's 
         my matchmaker, of all people.
  Niles: Well now, do you get a discount if the matchmaker sets you up 
         with herself?

CUT TO: a few minutes later, Frasier is talking with Roz.

Frasier: What am I supposed to do?
    Roz: Well, fight for her!  I mean, who is this Frank guy?
[ ]
Frank (Aaron Eckhardt) comes in and looks around.

    Frank: Charlotte.
Charlotte: Hi, honey.

She carries their coffees over and kisses him.

      Roz: You're screwed.

CLIP: Another clip from “And Frasier Makes Three” Act One: 

 Daphne: It doesn't bother Frank, you tagging along on their dates?
Frasier: Frank?  No.  In fact, he's quite taken with me.  It doesn't
         even occur to him that I might be a rival.  Galling, yes, but
         it does give me more time to work my magic on Charlotte.

CLIP: Another clip from “And Frasier Makes Three” Act Two: Frasier, 
Charlotte, and Frank sitting around the dinner table in her apartment.

Charlotte: [ ] You are driving me crazy!
    Frank: Do you believe her?
Charlotte: Don't you drag him into this!  Oh, you know what, I can't
           deal with this tonight.

She gets up.

    Frank: Well, when can you deal with it?  I'll call ahead and make
           an appointment.
Charlotte: I think you should leave.
    Frank: Fine!

He gets up.

    Frank: Come on, Frasier, let's go!

Frasier looks stymied as they both storm out of the room.

CUT TO: the next scene, Frasier comforting Charlotte on her couch:

Charlotte: [ ] I'm sorry about all that.  I think this is it for Frank 
           and me.
[ ]
  Frasier: [ ] I'm not entirely sad to hear you say that.
Charlotte: What do you mean?
  Frasier: I would think my feelings were obvious by now.
[ ]
He leans over and kisses her, laying her back on the couch.

Charlotte: Oh, God, I'm uncomfortable.
  Frasier: I'm sorry, I'm rushing things.
Charlotte: No, no, it's just I'm lying on a wine bottle.

She puts it aside and they start kissing again.

CLIP: [11.21] “Detour” Act One: Frasier and Roz in the café.

Frasier: Charlotte and I spent the night together.
    Roz: I thought she was seeing that super-hottie Frank.
Frasier: Dumped him, thank you.
    Roz: For you? [then] I mean, wow, way to go!

CLIP: Another clip from “Detour” Act One: Frasier and Charlotte in the 
car together.

Charlotte: [ ] I'm moving back to Chicago in three weeks.
  Frasier: Three weeks?!
Charlotte: [ ] I—I know I should have told you sooner, but it was 
           never the right time.  
[ ] 
  Frasier: Well, let's look on the bright side.  I mean, Chicago isn't 
           that far away.
Charlotte: I don't want a long-distance relationship.  And neither do 
           you.  You said so on your application.
[ ]
He unbuckles his seat belt, and they embrace.

FADE TO: Office
Back to the Present.

Analyst: [looks at his watch] Well, it looks like we’re at the end of 
         our hour.
Frasier: Well, thank you, Doctor.
Analyst: My pleasure, Doctor.  I know what a pain these periodic review 
         can be.
Frasier: Yes, just one of those things any self-respecting doctor does 
         to stay on top of his game.  So then, shall we?
Analyst: Certainly. [hands him the clipboard]
Frasier: Thank you.

They exchange positions, the analyst lying on the couch, and Frasier 
sitting in the chair.

Frasier: All right, then.
Analyst: Ah, well.
Frasier: Tell me about yourself.
Analyst: Well, my children hate me.  My wife just moved in with the 
         neighbor lady.  My brother-in-law’s a veterinarian, he keeps 
         pictures of his patients on the wall.  Every time my wife and 
         I have sex, she calls out her own name...

As he goes on, we FADE OUT.

The tag is a replay of the tag from “The Good Son,” featuring Martin, 
Frasier, Daphne, and Eddie on their first night in their new household.

The title song is a souped-up version of the usual theme, featuring a 
jazz ensemble and a chorus.  It is the first track on the Frasier 
soundtrack CD.

Guest Appearances

 Guest Starring
 FRED WILLARD as Analyst

Legal Stuff

This transcript is copyright 2004 by Mike Lee.  This transcript 
remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount Productions 
and NBC.  Printed without permission.
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