[11.09]Guns N’ Neuroses
Guns N’ Neuroses Written by Jon Sherman
Directed by Scott Ellis
=====================================================================
Production Code: 11.09
Episode Number in Production Order: 249
Filmed on:
Original Airdate on NBC: 18th November 2003
Transcript written on 26th December 2003
The Ice Woman Cometh...
Lilith has appeared in the following episodes:
[1.16] The Show Where Lilith Comes Back
[2.08] Adventures in Paradise [1]
[2.09] Adventures in Paradise [2]
[4.07] A Lilith Thanksgiving
[5.15] Room Service
[7.09] The Apparent Trap
[8.24] Cranes Go Caribbean
[9.01] Don Juan in Hell [1]
[9.02] Don Juan in Hell [2]
[10.06] Star Mitzvah
[10.13] Lilith Needs A Favor
Transcript {Mike Lee}
Skyline: Doppler waves radiate from the tip of the Space Needle.
ACT ONE
Scene One – Apartment - Morning
Martin is seated on his chair, tinkering with an old collapsible wooden
playpen.
Daphne comes in the front door.
Daphne: Hello, Marty. What’s that?
Martin: Oh, it’s Frasier and Niles’s old playpen. I got it out of storage
for you.
Daphne: Looks a bit rickety
Martin: No, it just needs a little weight to balance it. Put a baby in
there and it’ll be fine
Martin gives it a light tap with his screwdriver – snap! the sides fold
and slam together like the jaws of a bear-trap. They both gasp.
Daphne: You’re not putting my baby in that deathtrap.
Frasier comes out in his bathrobe.
Daphne: And by the way, did you move your gun out to storage like you
promised?
Martin: I’m getting to it.
Frasier: What? That gun is still around?
Martin: Oh, jeez.
Frasier: Dad, two years ago I demanded you get rid of it and you said you
did. Don’t tell me it’s still in your closet.
Martin: No, it’s in a shoebox under my bed.
Frasier: Well, I don’t want it here in my apartment.
Martin: All right, all right, it’ll go into storage today, but I don’t know
what we’ll do if a burglar breaks in.
Daphne: You could lure him into that playpen. [to Frasier] You slept awfully
late.
Frasier: Mm, yeah, oh well, I was having the most distressing dream. I was
climbing up a volcano that was spewing ice instead of lava.
Daphne: An ice volcano – wonder what that could mean.
Frasier notices his answering machine blinking.
Frasier: Oh, what’s this? [pushes playback button]
Lilith: [on machine] Hello, it’s Lilith.
All three make, “oh, that explains it” gestures.
Lilith: We’re supposed to be having breakfast, but you’re not here. And as
I don’t know if you’re tardy, or have been in a terrible accident,
I’m unable to commit to an appropriate emotional response. Please
call me. Thank you. [beep]
Frasier: Oh damn, I completely forgot. Lilith is in town for a one-day
conference. [picks up the phone] Now I’ll have to cancel lunch to
see her.
Martin: Can’t you catch her on the next trip?
Frasier: No, no, she’ll only be hurt, and of course she’ll, she’ll dredge it
up the next time she needs an emotional trump card. Ooh! Maybe I
can trick her into canceling lunch on me!
Daphne: Instead of playing games, why don’t you just talk to her.
Frasier: We tried talking when we were married. We were better at games.
[into phone] Hello, Lilith, it’s Frasier. Gosh, I’m so sorry.
I was on my way to breakfast, and, uh... I-I swerved to avoid
hitting a Pomeranian, and I-I ran up on the curb and blew a tire.
[Martin and Daphne trade a look] All right, well, maybe you could
come by here for lunch.
Martin gasps.
Frasier: [covers the phone and whispers] She won’t, she won’t. [into phone]
Okay, then. All right, see you here around 1:00, okay.
Martin wrings his hands in frustration as Frasier hangs up.
Frasier: Damn - she came to play.
FADE OUT
Scene Two – Apartment
Daphne answers the door to Niles.
Niles: Hey.
Daphne: Hello. [kisses him]
Martin comes out with a shoebox, which he places on the kitchen table.
Martin: Hey, Niles.
Niles: Hey, Dad. Hey, do you want to join us for lunch? We’re trying a
new Indonesian place. It’s famous for its Besengek Daging.
He checks for a moment, wondering over his pronunciation.
Martin: Well, wish I could, but I promised Frasier I’d stay here until he
got back from the dentist.
Niles: Oh well, we’ll keep you company. [sits down] Why’d he need you to
hang around?
Daphne: [who’s gotten her coat] He’s making lunch for Lilith.
Niles: [gets up] And off we go!
The doorbell rings. Everyone freezes.
Daphne: Too late.
Niles: Shouldn’t you get the door?
Martin: You’re closer.
Niles: I don’t live here.
Martin: Doesn’t matter, you’re family.
Niles: So is Daphne...
Daphne: Oh, no you don’t!
Lilith: [from behind the door] Maybe if you slid me a key, I could let
myself in.
Embarrassed, Niles opens the door to Lilith.
Martin: Hey, Lilith! Sorry for the hold-up, but Frasier should be back from
the dentist any minute.
Lilith: Oh, all right. That’ll give us a chance to visit.
Pause. Uncomfortable silence.
Lilith: Daphne, Niles, congratulations on the successful commingling of your
genetic material.
Daphne: Thank you.
Lilith: Do you know the sex?
Niles: Do we? That’s how we got pregnant!
He laughs, no one else does. He swallows it and takes her coat.
Lilith: Thank you.
Niles: No, we’re-we’re... we’re gonna let it be a surprise.
Lilith: Oh, okay.
Daphne: Please sit down.
Lilith: Thank you.
Lilith sits on the couch, next to Daphne.
Lilith: Well, if I was to guess the gender [with a little smirk] – and I’m
usually right about half the time... I’m being humorous, of course.
Martin: Oh!
Lilith: I would say it’s a boy.
Daphne: Oh, what makes you say that?
Lilith: Well, it’s highly unscientific, but the proverbial old wives would
cite the spreading of your nose, the unevenness of your breasts, and
the coarse black hair on your legs.
Daphne: Interesting... [to Martin] Is that the shoebox from under your bed,
then?
Martin nods. Lilith’s mobile rings.
Lilith: Excuse me. [into phone] Hello? Yes, Frasier. Oh, I’m sorry to hear
that.
Martin: [quickly] Hear what? He’s still coming, isn’t he?
Lilith: [into phone] Yes, all right, all right. I’ll meet you then, bye.
[hangs up] Frasier can’t make it.
Martin: Oh... well, if you still want lunch, I got leftover meatloaf that’s
today or never.
Lilith: Thank you, but I’ll get something at the conference. [gets her coat]
There’s a bulimia talk today, and I’ll wager that’s one lecture hall
with a snack machine outside. [goes to the door] Lovely to see you.
Daphne: Bye-bye.
Lilith leaves. Daphne turns, outraged.
Daphne: Did you hear what she said about me?
Niles: Yes.
Daphne: That I’ve got a flat nose, uneven boobs, and bristly legs? I mean,
are they really that bad? [stands and lifts her skirt to get a closer
look]
Martin: Not bad. Maybe a little cock-eyed, but with a heavy sweater you
could...
Daphne: I was talking about my legs! [then] Oh, forget about lunch.
I’m just going to make a sandwich.
She storms into the kitchen. Niles trails after her.
Niles: Oh, no, hey... what about me?
Daphne: Oh, have a banana.
She tosses a banana at him. He grabs it against his chest, fumbling, and
stumbles backwards over the kitchen table, knocking the shoebox onto the
floor. BANG! The gun goes off, and everyone jumps.
Daphne: [coming out] My God, what was that?!
Niles: I think the banana went off.
Martin: You knocked my gun on the floor. Is everyone all right?
Niles: Daphne, are you all right?
Daphne: Yeah, I’m fine.
Niles: Dad, you okay?
Martin: [picking it up] Yeah, I’m fine. I don’t understand this. I thought
the safety was on.
Niles: [notices] Oh my God! It blew a hole through Frasier’s chair!
Exhibit A: there is a hole in one of the dining chairs. Martin gasps.
Martin: [notices] And it shot the head off the statue!
Exhibit B: the African figurine on the stereo cabinet has been decapitated.
Martin picks up the head off the floor.
Niles: [running over] Look what it did to the fireplace!
Exhibit C: a ragged hole in the middle of a long crack in one of the tiles
above the fireplace.
Martin: Oh no, Frasier’s going to kill me!
Daphne: This is why I’ve been telling you to put the bloody thing in
storage!
Martin: Niles was the one who knocked it off the table!
Niles: Well, accidentally, because I had a banana thrown at me!
Daphne: To you, not at you! And you should know how to catch a banana!
Niles: I am not having this argument again!
Martin: If Frasier sees this, I’ll never hear the end of it. You guys have
got to help me fix things up before he gets home.
Daphne: Forget it, old man. You’re on your own.
Martin: Oh yeah, well, if he kicks me out over this, I’m moving in with you.
Daphne: [immediately] All right, what’s the plan?
Martin: You start calling upholsterers. Niles, get me some spackle. [Niles
runs to the hallway] I’ll see if I can Krazy Glue the head back on
that thing.
He goes to the desk to find the glue. Niles halts his run, and runs back
to Martin.
Niles: Dad, Dad... what’s spackle?
Martin rolls his eyes as he continues to look through the drawer.
FADE OUT
Scene Three – Café Nervosa
Lilith is having coffee with a colleague, Nancy.
Lilith: Anyway, long story short, six months in, he tells me I’m “too
tightly wound.” Me.
Nancy: Wow, I don’t know what to tell you, Lil.
Lilith: Lilith. My name is Lilith.
Lilith’s pager goes off.
Lilith: Oh, my beeper. [reads it] Oh darn, they need me back at the
conference. [gets up]
Nancy: Okay, but listen, we all have bad dating experiences, so don’t give
up. Get out there, have fun, meet people.
Lilith: You’re right. Thank you, Nancy. You’re a real pal. And the best
survivor guilt and phantom limb expert in the game.
Lilith walks out, passing Roz coming in the door.
Lilith: Excuse me.
Roz: Excuse me.
Lilith: [stops] Roz... Roz?
Roz: Yes...? Oh hi, Lilith. What are you doing in town?
Lilith: Well, I’m here for a conference, and was supposed to meet Frasier
here for coffee, but I’m afraid I have to leave. Will you tell him
I’ll call him later?
Roz: Sure, no problem.
Lilith: Thank you.
Roz: Bye-bye.
Lilith leaves, Roz goes to the counter.
Roz: Can I have change for the meter?
Barista: Only if you buy something.
Roz: Oh, come on, I can’t, I don’t have time, the Meter Maid’s coming.
Barista: Sorry, can’t do it.
Roz: Well, someone doesn’t want his tip very much.
Barista: You haven’t ordered anything.
Roz: I meant the tip I gave you yesterday.
She grabs a quarter out of the tip jar and runs back out, passing Frasier.
Frasier: Oh hi, Roz.
Roz: Hey, Frasier. [stops and turns back] Oh, um, Lilith had to leave.
[exits]
Frasier: Oh, damn! Again?
He exhales and goes to the counter just as Nancy is doing the same.
Barista: Can I help you?
Nancy/Frasier: Yes.../Yes, I’d like to have...
Frasier: Oh, I’m terribly sorry. Please, go ahead.
Nancy: No, that’s all right, you go.
Frasier: No, I insist. After you.
Nancy: We’ll go together. What are you having?
Frasier: All right, uh, a macchiato for here.
Nancy: One macchiato for here, and a mocha Valencia to go, please.
[to Frasier] Macchiato man. Don’t meet many of those.
Frasier: No, no, we’re a, a rare breed. Spartan... rugged...
Barista: [setting it on the counter] You like a dusting of nutmeg on that,
right?
Frasier: Just a sprinkle. [to Nancy] So, is this your first time here?
Nancy: Yeah, I’m in town on business. First time in Seattle.
Frasier: Oh well, then that entitles you to a complimentary beverage.
These are on me.
Nancy: Thank you. [gets an idea] Tell me, is there a Mrs. Macchiato?
Frasier: [chuckles] No.
Nancy: This may sound a little crazy, but would you be interested in having
a drink later with a friend of mine? I think you might really hit
it off.
Frasier: Well, it sounds intriguing.
Nancy: [writes her number on a card] I’m late for a meeting, but if you’re
game, let’s just say 7:00 at the Marina Tavern. And if you change
your mind, here’s my number.
Frasier: [takes it] All right, then.
Nancy gets her coffee and exits. Roz re-enters.
Frasier: Roz, have you ever been set up on a date with someone whose name you
didn’t know?
Roz: Oh please, I’ve woken up with dates whose names I didn’t know.
[to the Barista] Cappuccino, please. What’s going on?
Frasier: Well, I just met this woman who’s in town on business. She asked me
to join a friend of hers for a drink at the Marina Tavern.
Roz: Oh... well you know, there is no friend. The woman you met is the
woman you’re meeting.
Frasier: Oh, that’s what I thought. I wonder why she wouldn’t give me her
name?
Roz: Well, when you’re in town on business and you hook up with a
stranger, no names is standard procedure.
Frasier: I’m not sure that’s something you want to admit knowing, Roz.
Roz: I only know it from reading Erica Jong novels, okay?
Frasier: I’m not sure that’s something you want to admit either.
She gives him a look as we FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
Scene Four – Apartment
Martin is carefully applying glue to the figurine, whose head has been
replaced. As the door opens, he hides it with his arm, but it is only
Daphne with a shopping bag.
Daphne: I got the spackle.
Niles is on a stepladder in front of the fireplace, examining the crack.
Niles: Good, good, we’ll fill in the crack, then my faux finisher can match
the stone. Fabrizio is on his way to re-upholster. Dad, how are
you doing?
Martin: Great. This glue should hold it just fine. But your guys better
get over here soon. Frasier’s meeting Lilith after work at the
café, which only gives us...
Frasier: [o.s., from the hallway] Oh, hello, Mrs. Richman.
Daphne: Shh! Frasier!
As they rush to cover up the damage, the head teeters off the figurine.
Niles yelps and grabs it, holding it in place. As Daphne throws herself
into the damaged chair, Martin holds his arm over the crack and rests his
hand on the wall.
Frasier enters and takes in the scene: Niles resting a hand on the head of
the statue, Daphne seated facing him, and Martin’s arm high above his head
on the wall – all three trying to look casual.
Frasier: Hello, all. What’s going on?
Martin: Oh, just admiring the sunset.
All three loll their heads toward the windows, looking out.
Martin: I think it looks best over here, but Niles thinks it looks best over
there.
Frasier: Oh, really? [notices Niles’s hand on the statue] Oh, Niles, have you
changed your mind about my new statue? Yesterday you said it was
sterile and unmoving.
Niles: Oh, it’s moving now.
With his free hand he caresses the statue.
Frasier: Well, I’d love to stay and gloat, but I have a very intriguing date
for which I must get ready.
Martin: Well, good luck with that.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad. [notices another message] Oh, what’s this? [presses
button]
Lilith: [on machine] Frasier, I’m just leaving the café. Sorry I missed
you. Anyway, if you’re available for a drink, I’m staying at the
Harbor View. Call me. [beep]
Frasier: Oh, dear... damn! I’ve got an exciting mystery date, and who should
rear her head at the last minute but Lilith!
Martin: Well, you know, if you leave right away, you’d probably have time
for a quick drink with Lilith and then still make it for your date.
Frasier: Good thinking, Dad! I can dispense with the pleasantries and be on
my way!
He runs down the hallway, and all three break their pose. Martin bows over in pain
from being stretched upwards, while Niles-
Niles: Help me, help me! The head is stuck to my hand!
Daphne grabs his arm and rips the head loose, making him scream. As they
converge in the middle of the room-
Frasier: [o.s., coming back] You know, on second thought...
They scramble to re-cover the exhibits. When Frasier comes in, Daphne’s hand
is on the statue, Martin is in the chair, and Niles has his arm flung up over
the fireplace. All three are craning their necks to look out the window.
Frasier: ...maybe I should invite Lilith here so that I can have more time to
get ready.
Martin/Daphne/Niles: No!
Daphne: She’s already been here once. You should go to her.
Frasier: You’re quite right – but, then, should I change or am I fine the way
I am?
Niles/Martin: Fine/Oh, hubba-hubba!
Frasier: [gets his coat] Well then, I’ll just see you all later.
As he goes out the door, Martin starts to straighten up, but as Frasier turns
around curiously, Martin leans back again.
Niles: Dad, you’re right, it’s a much, much different sunset from here.
Frasier, still a little puzzled, exits.
FADE OUT
FIX UP MIX UP
Scene Five – Lilith’s hotel room
Lilith is seated on the couch, wearing a nice evening dress and talking on
her room’s cordless phone.
Lilith: [her usual flat monotone] Yes, of course I’m excited, Nancy. Can’t
you hear it in the timbre of my voice? Yes well, I’m afraid I might
be a little bit late, I’m still waiting for my ex-husband.
Knocking on the door.
Lilith: Oh, there he is. Look, I’ll get through this as quickly as I
possibly can. Yes, all right, bye.
She hangs up and opens the door to Frasier. Throughout the following
dialogue, both are eager to leave and concealing it badly.
Frasier: Hi, Lilith. [kisses her cheek] I’m sorry I’m late. Traffic was a
bear. It’s good to see you.
Lilith: Likewise.
Frasier: Anyway, I’m sorry about all the missed connections today, but at
least we have a chance to catch up, however briefly.
Lilith: Yes well, sometimes with old friends, five minutes is enough.
Frasier: Ha! One minute!
Lilith: So, care for a drink?
Frasier: Not if I’m keeping you from something.
Lilith: Well, actually, I do have a date this evening.
Frasier: Oh, really?
Lilith: Yes. A colleague of mine fixed me up. I’m sorry for dragging you
over here when I have so little time to give you.
Frasier: Not at all. Actually, I’m running late for a date myself.
Lilith: I see. Well, why don’t you run along? I wouldn’t want you to keep
Niles waiting.
Frasier: [laughs] No. It is with a woman – a very vibrant, sexy woman.
Lilith: Ah. Good for you.
Frasier: Well, listen, if you’re running late, and you need to cancel our
drink...
Lilith: No, no, no, I’ve canceled on you once already today...
Frasier: Well, I canceled on you twice, that would make us even.
Lilith: [pouring] That’s why we’re having the drink.
Frasier: Ah.
Lilith: Unless you’re worried that your sexy date will leave if you’re five
minutes late.
Frasier: Oh, no, not at all. My absence will only make her heart grow
fonder. You mind if I use the bathroom?
Lilith: Certainly.
Frasier exits to the bathroom.
CUT TO: Bathroom
Frasier sits down on the toilet and dials his mobile.
Frasier: Please don’t leave, please don’t leave, please don’t leave...
[into phone] Hello? Miss Mocha Valencia? Yes, Macchiato Man
here. Uh, listen, I’m glad I caught you.
CUT TO: Nancy’s hotel room.
She is sitting on a couch reading some papers as she’s taking Frasier’s call.
Nancy: Hi, where are you?
The screen splits between Frasier on one side and Nancy on the other.
Frasier: Uh well, something’s come up and I’m afraid I have to—
Nancy: Oh wait, I have another call.
Frasier: Fine.
Nancy switches lines.
Nancy: Hello?
The screen view shunts to the right, now putting Nancy on the left and Lilith
(on her own cell phone) on the right.
Lilith: Nancy, it’s Lilith again. Listen, this thing with my ex-husband is
taking a lot longer than I expected. But I will be there, I promise
you.
Nancy: Uh-oh.
Lilith: What do you mean “uh-oh”?
Nancy: Well, I’m on the other line with your date right now, and... I think
he wants to cancel.
Lilith: Before he’s even met me? Well, uh... tell him I canceled on him
first!
Nancy: Okay. I’m really sorry about this, Lilith. [switches lines again]
Switch left to Frasier and Nancy.
Nancy: Hi. So, I’m afraid tonight’s off.
Frasier: Off?
Nancy: Yeah, that was my friend. She had second thoughts.
Frasier: Oh, really? Well, please tell your “friend” that I wasn’t exactly
bowled over by her first thoughts!
He hangs up and stands up, before realizing-
Frasier: I don’t even know what that means.
CUT TO: Hotel Room
As Frasier comes out, Lilith holds out one of two glasses.
Lilith: So what would you say to that drink?
Frasier: I’d say, “don’t get too comfortable in that glass.”
They chuckle as he takes the glass from her and they clink and sip.
Frasier: Well, this is nice.
Lilith: Yes, very.
They sit in chairs at opposite ends of the table. They are still awkward
with each other.
Frasier: Freddy tells me he dissected a frog.
Lilith: Yes, and a fetal pig. Of course, I made him do his homework first.
Pause. Lilith’s gaze wanders away.
Frasier: Lilith, you seem preoccupied. Is this about your blind date
tonight?
Lilith: You could say that.
Frasier: Well, for what it’s worth, whoever this guy is... he’ll feel awfully
lucky when you walk through the door.
Lilith: Thank you, Frasier - but I really shouldn’t be keeping you from your
date.
Frasier: Oh, right. Well, I guess I should be going, yes.
He stands and makes a show of reaching for his coat, but can’t face an
evening alone – though he can’t yet confess the truth to her.
Frasier: Although, you know, you are here for just one night. Perhaps
I could call and push things back a bit?
Lilith: Maybe I could delay mine as well.
Frasier: Great.
Lilith: All right.
They each take out their phones, standing at opposite ends of the room.
Lilith: What excuse are you going to use?
Frasier: Oh, I’ll just trot out my stand-by, it works every time. Simply say
that I swerved to avoid hitting a Chihuahua, ran up on a curb and
blew a tire.
Lilith: [amused] This morning you said it was a Pomeranian.
Frasier: [embarrassed] Well, this morning it was.
But by now they are over the awkwardness and easy in each other’s company.
FADE OUT
THINGS THAT GO HUMP IN THE NIGHT
Scene Six – Lilith’s hotel room
Frasier and Lilith are seated on the couch together, with drinks. They have
been comparing track records.
Frasier: So I’m in the middle of this date from hell, when Kenny walks in
with his cousin, whom I’d passed on sight unseen. Turns out she’s
not only gorgeous, but her name is actually Miss Wright.
Lilith: Okay, you win.
Frasier: Mm-hmm.
[N.B. See [11.05], The Placeholder]
Frasier: Say, are there any more kettle chips in the mini-bar?
Lilith: No. We can have either Gummi Bears or cashews, but I’m afraid we
can’t afford both.
Frasier: Ah.
They share a bemused smile. Then in the adjoining room they hear a door
slam.
Sean: [o.s.] Erin, would you stop? I don’t even know what I did!
Erin: [o.s.] Why do you always say that like you think it will help?
Sean: Because when I guess, you get angrier!
Frasier gets up and walks to the connecting door.
Frasier: Boy, that takes you back, doesn’t it?
Lilith doesn’t answer.
Sean: What, did I forget to notice your hair?
Erin: That’s NOT why I’m mad.
Frasier: You know, I’m just going to ask them to be quiet.
Sean: I can’t talk to you when you’re like this. I’m going out.
Erin: Sean, what are you doing?
As Frasier reaches for the connecting door, it is flung open by Sean.
Sean: [sees Frasier] Oh, uh... sorry.
Erin: [appears behind him; scathingly] That’s not the hall.
Frasier: Yes, uh... it’s all right. You see, we overheard your quarrel,
and in the interest of keeping the peace and quiet, maybe we could
offer some assistance.
They both make noises of dismissal.
Sean: No, it’s okay, we can handle it ourselves. [turns away]
Frasier: [in his element] Oh, can you, Sean? You don’t even know what you
did.
They stop, uncertain.
Frasier: Please, won’t you come in? [they do, hesitantly] I’m Dr. Frasier
Crane, this is Dr. Lilith Sternin. We are psychiatrists.
Lilith: There’s no need to be afraid. We are here to help.
Erin: So what, you’re like caped crusaders for mental health?
Lilith: No, not caped.
Frasier: Please, come and sit down.
Sean and Erin sit together on the couch. Frasier and Lilith take a chair on
either side of them.
Frasier: All right then. What seems to be the problem?
Erin: Uh... when we were at dinner, he was checking out another woman.
Lilith: And you feel threatened by this?
Erin: Shouldn’t I?
Frasier: Well, maybe. Shot in the dark here – your parents are divorced,
Dad left Mom?
Erin: [surprised] Yeah. How’d you know?
Lilith: It’s classic transference. Because your father and mother split up,
you overreact whenever you perceive a threat to your current
relationship.
Frasier: [to Sean] And you, you care about this woman?
Sean: Absolutely.
Frasier: Then keep your eyes in your head! It bugs her, and it’s bad form.
Lilith: [to Erin] And if he should fail at this – which he will, he’s a man –
it does not mean he’s going to leave you.
Sean: Or that I don’t love you. [Erin turns to him] Because I do.
Erin: [melting] I know. I love you, too.
They kiss tenderly.
Sean: Wow! You guys are good.
Erin: Yeah, that was amazing. So, do you two just have the best marriage
ever?
Frasier: Actually...
Lilith: Yes... we do.
Frasier and Lilith share a look. Sean and Erin stand up, euphoric.
Sean: Well, uh, thank you! It was really nice meeting you.
Frasier: [shaking his hand] Likewise, likewise. You seem like a really nice
young couple, and I’m sure you’ll understand if I lock the door.
Good night.
He sees them to the door and closes it after them.
Lilith: Well done, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: Back at you, Dr. Sternin. I’d suggest that we try a high-five,
but I recall we attempted that once after a bridge victory and
you scratched my cornea.
Lilith: Well, I guess we shouldn’t keep our dates waiting any longer.
Frasier: Right.
He picks up his coat again, and heads slowly for the door.
Frasier: Good luck on your-your romantic adventure this evening. Don’t you
worry — you’re going to knock his socks off...
Lilith: [tired out] Frasier, I don’t have a date anymore. He canceled.
Frasier: You’re kidding.
Lilith: No. I was too proud to admit it to you. How pathetic is that?
He gingerly pats her shoulder, still unwilling to fess up.
Frasier: Well, there’s no need to beat yourself up about it.
Lilith: Come on, a fake phone call to “buy time”?
Frasier: It’s understandable. Just a face-saving gesture in the light of...
Lilith: Oh my God, your date canceled on you too.
Frasier: [caught] All right, yes. It’s a banner day for both of us. [drops
his coat] I tell you, all this lying has certainly worked up my
appetite. You want to get some room service?
Lilith: That might be nice.
Frasier: Okay.
She rises from her chair and sits next to him on the couch, as he opens the
room service menu.
Frasier: Certainly beats sitting alone, wondering what we missed out on this
evening, hmm?
From the next room they hear rhythmic pounding and loud moaning,
as Sean and Erin celebrate being reconciled.
Sean: [o.s.] Yes, yes, yes...!
Erin: [o.s.] You big-bad-boy...!
Frasier and Lilith sigh and study the menu.
FADE OUT
Scene Seven – Lilith’s hotel room
The morning sunlight is coming in. Frasier and Lilith are lying asleep
on the couch, with her head resting in the crook of his arm. The remains
of a gourmet meal and a bottle of wine are on the table before them, and
the television is on.
Frasier’s jacket is off, but otherwise both are still dressed as before.
They have not slept together, but have enjoyed a quiet, intimate evening.
Lilith is the first to wake.
Lilith: Frasier?
Frasier: [wakes] Hmm? Hmm... oh! Oh, gosh, I’m sorry. Oh, I must have
dozed off during the movie.
Lilith: Me too. What time is it?
Frasier: [checks his watch] Uh, it’s almost six.
Lilith: Six? I have a 7:30 flight.
She gets up and starts straightening the room and gathering her things to
pack. Frasier picks up his coat and goes to the door.
Frasier: Right, right. Well, I’ll just get out of your hair. Listen,
Lilith, dinner was lovely last night. I had a great time.
Lilith: Yes well, much better than those blind dates could have possibly
been.
Frasier: Absolutely. Well listen, have a safe trip and all that, and give
Freddy a hug for me.
Lilith: I will.
Frasier: All right.
He picks up his jacket and goes to the door.
Frasier: You know, it’s funny...
Lilith: What?
Frasier: Well, I was just thinking that if we had never met, we’re exactly
the kind of people that somebody might set up on a blind date.
Lilith: You always were one for droll hypotheticals.
Frasier: [chuckles] Ah, yes. It’s amusing to consider though, you know?
What would we think of each other if were just meeting now for the
first time?
Lilith: But if we hadn’t met, we’d be different people now.
Frasier: Ah, true. But then that raises many other questions. I mean, what
sort of man would the non-Lilith Frasier be? What sort of woman...?
Lilith: [coming over] Did I mention I have a plane to catch?
Frasier: Of course.
Frasier opens the door.
Lilith: But you’re right. It was a lovely evening.
Frasier: We do have our baggage, don’t we? But then sometimes that’s what
makes the trip so interesting.
Lilith: With one hand the past moves us forward, and with the other it holds
us back.
They hug. Though they are no longer in love, they still share a bond as
something closer than best friends.
Frasier: Good-bye, Lilith.
Lilith: Good-bye, Frasier.
He calls the elevator. Lilith looks at him thoughtfully, but not regretfully,
and closes the door. He looks back with the same expression, and then steps
onto the elevator.
END OF ACT TWO
Credits:
Martin and Niles are playing catch with bananas. Martin makes a gentle
underhanded throw, which Niles catches. He moves back a bit and throws
another banana, and Niles nabs it with one hand. He cheers wildly at
his success. Martin now decides to try it with a baseball. He tosses
it gently. Niles bobbles it, and has to dive over Frasier's bookcase,
knocking things down as he does. He holds on to the ball, however, and
proudly raises it for Martin to see. Martin applauds his son's effort.
Guest Appearances
Special Guest Star
BEBE NEUWIRTH as Lilith
Guest Starring
CHRISTINE DUNFORD as Nancy
DAVID BURKE as Sean
RACHAEL HARRIS as Erin
JAMES OLIVER as Barista
Legal Stuff
This episode capsule is copyright 2003 by Mike Lee. This episode
summary remains property of Frasier, Copyright of Paramount
Productions and NBC. Printed without permission.