[11.09]Guns Ní Neuroses

Guns Ní Neuroses                            Written by Jon Sherman
                                            Directed by Scott Ellis
Production Code: 11.09
Episode Number in Production Order: 249
Filmed on: 
Original Airdate on NBC: 18th November 2003
Transcript written on 26th December 2003

The Ice Woman Cometh...

 Lilith has appeared in the following episodes: 
[1.16] The Show Where Lilith Comes Back
[2.08] Adventures in Paradise [1]
[2.09] Adventures in Paradise [2]
[4.07] A Lilith Thanksgiving
[5.15] Room Service
[7.09] The Apparent Trap
[8.24] Cranes Go Caribbean
[9.01] Don Juan in Hell [1]
[9.02] Don Juan in Hell [2]
[10.06] Star Mitzvah
[10.13] Lilith Needs A Favor

Transcript {Mike Lee}

Skyline: Doppler waves radiate from the tip of the Space Needle.


Scene One Ė Apartment - Morning
Martin is seated on his chair, tinkering with an old collapsible wooden 

Daphne comes in the front door.

 Daphne: Hello, Marty.  Whatís that?
 Martin: Oh, itís Frasier and Nilesís old playpen.  I got it out of storage 
         for you.
 Daphne: Looks a bit rickety
 Martin: No, it just needs a little weight to balance it.  Put a baby in 
         there and itíll be fine

Martin gives it a light tap with his screwdriver Ė snap! the sides fold 
and slam together like the jaws of a bear-trap.  They both gasp.

 Daphne: Youíre not putting my baby in that deathtrap.

Frasier comes out in his bathrobe.

 Daphne: And by the way, did you move your gun out to storage like you 
 Martin: Iím getting to it.
Frasier: What?  That gun is still around?
 Martin: Oh, jeez.
Frasier: Dad, two years ago I demanded you get rid of it and you said you 
         did.  Donít tell me itís still in your closet.
 Martin: No, itís in a shoebox under my bed.
Frasier: Well, I donít want it here in my apartment.
 Martin: All right, all right, itíll go into storage today, but I donít know 
         what weíll do if a burglar breaks in.
 Daphne: You could lure him into that playpen. [to Frasier] You slept awfully 
Frasier: Mm, yeah, oh well, I was having the most distressing dream.  I was 
         climbing up a volcano that was spewing ice instead of lava.
 Daphne: An ice volcano Ė wonder what that could mean.

Frasier notices his answering machine blinking.

Frasier: Oh, whatís this? [pushes playback button]
 Lilith: [on machine] Hello, itís Lilith.

All three make, ďoh, that explains itĒ gestures.

 Lilith: Weíre supposed to be having breakfast, but youíre not here.  And as 
         I donít know if youíre tardy, or have been in a terrible accident, 
         Iím unable to commit to an appropriate emotional response.  Please 
         call me.  Thank you. [beep]
Frasier: Oh damn, I completely forgot.  Lilith is in town for a one-day 
         conference. [picks up the phone] Now Iíll have to cancel lunch to 
         see her.
 Martin: Canít you catch her on the next trip?
Frasier: No, no, sheíll only be hurt, and of course sheíll, sheíll dredge it 
         up the next time she needs an emotional trump card.  Ooh!  Maybe I 
         can trick her into canceling lunch on me!
 Daphne: Instead of playing games, why donít you just talk to her.
Frasier: We tried talking when we were married.  We were better at games. 
         [into phone] Hello, Lilith, itís Frasier.  Gosh, Iím so sorry.  
         I was on my way to breakfast, and, uh... I-I swerved to avoid 
         hitting a Pomeranian, and I-I ran up on the curb and blew a tire. 
         [Martin and Daphne trade a look] All right, well, maybe you could 
         come by here for lunch.

Martin gasps.

Frasier: [covers the phone and whispers] She wonít, she wonít. [into phone] 
         Okay, then.  All right, see you here around 1:00, okay.  

Martin wrings his hands in frustration as Frasier hangs up.

Frasier: Damn - she came to play.


Scene Two Ė Apartment
Daphne answers the door to Niles.

  Niles: Hey.
 Daphne: Hello. [kisses him]

Martin comes out with a shoebox, which he places on the kitchen table.

 Martin: Hey, Niles.
  Niles: Hey, Dad.  Hey, do you want to join us for lunch?  Weíre trying a 
         new Indonesian place.  Itís famous for its Besengek Daging.

He checks for a moment, wondering over his pronunciation.

 Martin: Well, wish I could, but I promised Frasier Iíd stay here until he 
         got back from the dentist.
  Niles: Oh well, weíll keep you company. [sits down] Whyíd he need you to 
         hang around?
 Daphne: [whoís gotten her coat] Heís making lunch for Lilith.
  Niles: [gets up] And off we go!

The doorbell rings.  Everyone freezes.

 Daphne: Too late.
  Niles: Shouldnít you get the door?
 Martin: Youíre closer.
  Niles: I donít live here.
 Martin: Doesnít matter, youíre family.
  Niles: So is Daphne...
 Daphne: Oh, no you donít!
 Lilith: [from behind the door] Maybe if you slid me a key, I could let 
         myself in.

Embarrassed, Niles opens the door to Lilith.

 Martin: Hey, Lilith!  Sorry for the hold-up, but Frasier should be back from 
         the dentist any minute.
 Lilith: Oh, all right.  Thatíll give us a chance to visit.

Pause.  Uncomfortable silence.

 Lilith: Daphne, Niles, congratulations on the successful commingling of your 
         genetic material.
 Daphne: Thank you.
 Lilith: Do you know the sex?
  Niles: Do we?  Thatís how we got pregnant!

He laughs, no one else does.  He swallows it and takes her coat.

 Lilith: Thank you.
  Niles: No, weíre-weíre... weíre gonna let it be a surprise.
 Lilith: Oh, okay.
 Daphne: Please sit down.
 Lilith: Thank you.

Lilith sits on the couch, next to Daphne.

 Lilith: Well, if I was to guess the gender [with a little smirk] Ė and Iím 
         usually right about half the time... Iím being humorous, of course. 
 Martin: Oh!
 Lilith: I would say itís a boy.
 Daphne: Oh, what makes you say that?
 Lilith: Well, itís highly unscientific, but the proverbial old wives would 
         cite the spreading of your nose, the unevenness of your breasts, and 
         the coarse black hair on your legs.
 Daphne: Interesting... [to Martin] Is that the shoebox from under your bed, 

Martin nods.  Lilithís mobile rings.

 Lilith: Excuse me. [into phone] Hello?  Yes, Frasier.  Oh, Iím sorry to hear 
 Martin: [quickly] Hear what?  Heís still coming, isnít he?
 Lilith: [into phone] Yes, all right, all right.  Iíll meet you then, bye. 
         [hangs up] Frasier canít make it.
 Martin: Oh... well, if you still want lunch, I got leftover meatloaf thatís 
         today or never.
 Lilith: Thank you, but Iíll get something at the conference. [gets her coat]
         Thereís a bulimia talk today, and Iíll wager thatís one lecture hall 
         with a snack machine outside. [goes to the door] Lovely to see you.
 Daphne: Bye-bye.

Lilith leaves.  Daphne turns, outraged.

 Daphne: Did you hear what she said about me?
  Niles: Yes.
 Daphne: That Iíve got a flat nose, uneven boobs, and bristly legs?  I mean, 
         are they really that bad? [stands and lifts her skirt to get a closer 
 Martin: Not bad.  Maybe a little cock-eyed, but with a heavy sweater you 
 Daphne: I was talking about my legs! [then] Oh, forget about lunch.  
         Iím just going to make a sandwich.

She storms into the kitchen.  Niles trails after her.

  Niles: Oh, no, hey... what about me?
 Daphne: Oh, have a banana.

She tosses a banana at him.  He grabs it against his chest, fumbling, and 
stumbles backwards over the kitchen table, knocking the shoebox onto the 
floor.  BANG!  The gun goes off, and everyone jumps.

 Daphne: [coming out] My God, what was that?!
  Niles: I think the banana went off.
 Martin: You knocked my gun on the floor.  Is everyone all right?
  Niles: Daphne, are you all right?
 Daphne: Yeah, Iím fine.
  Niles: Dad, you okay?
 Martin: [picking it up] Yeah, Iím fine.  I donít understand this.  I thought 
         the safety was on.  
  Niles: [notices] Oh my God!  It blew a hole through Frasierís chair!

Exhibit A: there is a hole in one of the dining chairs.  Martin gasps.

 Martin: [notices] And it shot the head off the statue!

Exhibit B: the African figurine on the stereo cabinet has been decapitated. 
Martin picks up the head off the floor.

  Niles: [running over] Look what it did to the fireplace!

Exhibit C: a ragged hole in the middle of a long crack in one of the tiles 
above the fireplace.

 Martin: Oh no, Frasierís going to kill me!
 Daphne: This is why Iíve been telling you to put the bloody thing in 
 Martin: Niles was the one who knocked it off the table!
  Niles: Well, accidentally, because I had a banana thrown at me!
 Daphne: To you, not at you!  And you should know how to catch a banana!
  Niles: I am not having this argument again!
 Martin: If Frasier sees this, Iíll never hear the end of it.  You guys have 
         got to help me fix things up before he gets home.
 Daphne: Forget it, old man.  Youíre on your own.
 Martin: Oh yeah, well, if he kicks me out over this, Iím moving in with you.
 Daphne: [immediately] All right, whatís the plan?
 Martin: You start calling upholsterers.  Niles, get me some spackle. [Niles 
         runs to the hallway] Iíll see if I can Krazy Glue the head back on 
         that thing.

He goes to the desk to find the glue.  Niles halts his run, and runs back 
to Martin.

  Niles: Dad, Dad... whatís spackle?

Martin rolls his eyes as he continues to look through the drawer.


Scene Three Ė Cafť Nervosa
Lilith is having coffee with a colleague, Nancy.

 Lilith: Anyway, long story short, six months in, he tells me Iím ďtoo 
         tightly wound.Ē  Me.  
  Nancy: Wow, I donít know what to tell you, Lil.
 Lilith: Lilith.  My name is Lilith.

Lilithís pager goes off.

 Lilith: Oh, my beeper. [reads it] Oh darn, they need me back at the 
         conference. [gets up]
  Nancy: Okay, but listen, we all have bad dating experiences, so donít give 
         up.  Get out there, have fun, meet people.
 Lilith: Youíre right.  Thank you, Nancy.  Youíre a real pal.  And the best 
         survivor guilt and phantom limb expert in the game.

Lilith walks out, passing Roz coming in the door.

 Lilith: Excuse me.
    Roz: Excuse me.
 Lilith: [stops] Roz... Roz?
    Roz: Yes...?  Oh hi, Lilith.  What are you doing in town?
 Lilith: Well, Iím here for a conference, and was supposed to meet Frasier 
         here for coffee, but Iím afraid I have to leave.  Will you tell him 
         Iíll call him later?
    Roz: Sure, no problem.
 Lilith: Thank you.
    Roz: Bye-bye.

Lilith leaves, Roz goes to the counter.

    Roz: Can I have change for the meter?
Barista: Only if you buy something.
    Roz: Oh, come on, I canít, I donít have time, the Meter Maidís coming.
Barista: Sorry, canít do it.
    Roz: Well, someone doesnít want his tip very much.
Barista: You havenít ordered anything.
    Roz: I meant the tip I gave you yesterday.

She grabs a quarter out of the tip jar and runs back out, passing Frasier.

Frasier: Oh hi, Roz.
    Roz: Hey, Frasier. [stops and turns back] Oh, um, Lilith had to leave. 
Frasier: Oh, damn!  Again?

He exhales and goes to the counter just as Nancy is doing the same.

Barista: Can I help you?
Nancy/Frasier: Yes.../Yes, Iíd like to have...

Frasier: Oh, Iím terribly sorry.  Please, go ahead.
  Nancy: No, thatís all right, you go.  
Frasier: No, I insist.  After you.
  Nancy: Weíll go together.  What are you having?
Frasier: All right, uh, a macchiato for here.
  Nancy: One macchiato for here, and a mocha Valencia to go, please. 
         [to Frasier] Macchiato man.  Donít meet many of those.
Frasier: No, no, weíre a, a rare breed.  Spartan... rugged...
Barista: [setting it on the counter] You like a dusting of nutmeg on that, 
Frasier: Just a sprinkle. [to Nancy] So, is this your first time here?
  Nancy: Yeah, Iím in town on business.  First time in Seattle.
Frasier: Oh well, then that entitles you to a complimentary beverage.  
         These are on me.
  Nancy: Thank you. [gets an idea] Tell me, is there a Mrs. Macchiato?
Frasier: [chuckles] No.
  Nancy: This may sound a little crazy, but would you be interested in having 
         a drink later with a friend of mine?  I think you might really hit 
         it off.
Frasier: Well, it sounds intriguing.
  Nancy: [writes her number on a card] Iím late for a meeting, but if youíre 
         game, letís just say 7:00 at the Marina Tavern.  And if you change 
         your mind, hereís my number.
Frasier: [takes it] All right, then.

Nancy gets her coffee and exits.  Roz re-enters.

Frasier: Roz, have you ever been set up on a date with someone whose name you 
         didnít know?
    Roz: Oh please, Iíve woken up with dates whose names I didnít know. 
         [to the Barista] Cappuccino, please.  Whatís going on?
Frasier: Well, I just met this woman whoís in town on business.  She asked me 
         to join a friend of hers for a drink at the Marina Tavern.
    Roz: Oh... well you know, there is no friend.  The woman you met is the 
         woman youíre meeting.
Frasier: Oh, thatís what I thought.  I wonder why she wouldnít give me her 
    Roz: Well, when youíre in town on business and you hook up with a 
         stranger, no names is standard procedure.
Frasier: Iím not sure thatís something you want to admit knowing, Roz.
    Roz: I only know it from reading Erica Jong novels, okay?
Frasier: Iím not sure thatís something you want to admit either.

She gives him a look as we FADE OUT.



Scene Four Ė Apartment
Martin is carefully applying glue to the figurine, whose head has been 
replaced.  As the door opens, he hides it with his arm, but it is only 
Daphne with a shopping bag.

 Daphne: I got the spackle.

Niles is on a stepladder in front of the fireplace, examining the crack.

  Niles: Good, good, weíll fill in the crack, then my faux finisher can match 
         the stone.  Fabrizio is on his way to re-upholster.  Dad, how are 
         you doing?
 Martin: Great.  This glue should hold it just fine.  But your guys better 
         get over here soon.  Frasierís meeting Lilith after work at the 
         cafť, which only gives us...
Frasier: [o.s., from the hallway] Oh, hello, Mrs. Richman.
 Daphne: Shh!  Frasier!

As they rush to cover up the damage, the head teeters off the figurine.  
Niles yelps and grabs it, holding it in place.  As Daphne throws herself 
into the damaged chair, Martin holds his arm over the crack and rests his 
hand on the wall.

Frasier enters and takes in the scene: Niles resting a hand on the head of 
the statue, Daphne seated facing him, and Martinís arm high above his head 
on the wall Ė all three trying to look casual.

Frasier: Hello, all.  Whatís going on?
 Martin: Oh, just admiring the sunset.

All three loll their heads toward the windows, looking out.

 Martin: I think it looks best over here, but Niles thinks it looks best over 
Frasier: Oh, really? [notices Nilesís hand on the statue] Oh, Niles, have you 
         changed your mind about my new statue?  Yesterday you said it was 
         sterile and unmoving.
  Niles: Oh, itís moving now.

With his free hand he caresses the statue.

Frasier: Well, Iíd love to stay and gloat, but I have a very intriguing date 
         for which I must get ready.
 Martin: Well, good luck with that.
Frasier: Thank you, Dad. [notices another message] Oh, whatís this? [presses
 Lilith: [on machine] Frasier, Iím just leaving the cafť.  Sorry I missed 
         you.  Anyway, if youíre available for a drink, Iím staying at the 
         Harbor View.  Call me. [beep]
Frasier: Oh, dear... damn!  Iíve got an exciting mystery date, and who should 
         rear her head at the last minute but Lilith!
 Martin: Well, you know, if you leave right away, youíd probably have time 
         for a quick drink with Lilith and then still make it for your date.
Frasier: Good thinking, Dad!  I can dispense with the pleasantries and be on 
         my way!

He runs down the hallway, and all three break their pose.  Martin bows over in pain 
from being stretched upwards, while Niles-

  Niles: Help me, help me!  The head is stuck to my hand!

Daphne grabs his arm and rips the head loose, making him scream.  As they 
converge in the middle of the room-

Frasier: [o.s., coming back] You know, on second thought... 

They scramble to re-cover the exhibits.  When Frasier comes in, Daphneís hand 
is on the statue, Martin is in the chair, and Niles has his arm flung up over 
the fireplace.  All three are craning their necks to look out the window.

Frasier: ...maybe I should invite Lilith here so that I can have more time to 
         get ready.
Martin/Daphne/Niles: No!
 Daphne: Sheís already been here once.  You should go to her.
Frasier: Youíre quite right Ė but, then, should I change or am I fine the way 
         I am?
Niles/Martin: Fine/Oh, hubba-hubba!
Frasier: [gets his coat] Well then, Iíll just see you all later.

As he goes out the door, Martin starts to straighten up, but as Frasier turns
around curiously, Martin leans back again.

  Niles: Dad, youíre right, itís a much, much different sunset from here.

Frasier, still a little puzzled, exits.


Scene Five Ė Lilithís hotel room Lilith is seated on the couch, wearing a nice evening dress and talking on her roomís cordless phone. Lilith: [her usual flat monotone] Yes, of course Iím excited, Nancy. Canít you hear it in the timbre of my voice? Yes well, Iím afraid I might be a little bit late, Iím still waiting for my ex-husband. Knocking on the door. Lilith: Oh, there he is. Look, Iíll get through this as quickly as I possibly can. Yes, all right, bye. She hangs up and opens the door to Frasier. Throughout the following dialogue, both are eager to leave and concealing it badly. Frasier: Hi, Lilith. [kisses her cheek] Iím sorry Iím late. Traffic was a bear. Itís good to see you. Lilith: Likewise. Frasier: Anyway, Iím sorry about all the missed connections today, but at least we have a chance to catch up, however briefly. Lilith: Yes well, sometimes with old friends, five minutes is enough. Frasier: Ha! One minute! Lilith: So, care for a drink? Frasier: Not if Iím keeping you from something. Lilith: Well, actually, I do have a date this evening. Frasier: Oh, really? Lilith: Yes. A colleague of mine fixed me up. Iím sorry for dragging you over here when I have so little time to give you. Frasier: Not at all. Actually, Iím running late for a date myself. Lilith: I see. Well, why donít you run along? I wouldnít want you to keep Niles waiting. Frasier: [laughs] No. It is with a woman Ė a very vibrant, sexy woman. Lilith: Ah. Good for you. Frasier: Well, listen, if youíre running late, and you need to cancel our drink... Lilith: No, no, no, Iíve canceled on you once already today... Frasier: Well, I canceled on you twice, that would make us even. Lilith: [pouring] Thatís why weíre having the drink. Frasier: Ah. Lilith: Unless youíre worried that your sexy date will leave if youíre five minutes late. Frasier: Oh, no, not at all. My absence will only make her heart grow fonder. You mind if I use the bathroom? Lilith: Certainly. Frasier exits to the bathroom. CUT TO: Bathroom Frasier sits down on the toilet and dials his mobile. Frasier: Please donít leave, please donít leave, please donít leave... [into phone] Hello? Miss Mocha Valencia? Yes, Macchiato Man here. Uh, listen, Iím glad I caught you. CUT TO: Nancyís hotel room. She is sitting on a couch reading some papers as sheís taking Frasierís call. Nancy: Hi, where are you? The screen splits between Frasier on one side and Nancy on the other. Frasier: Uh well, somethingís come up and Iím afraid I have toó Nancy: Oh wait, I have another call. Frasier: Fine. Nancy switches lines. Nancy: Hello? The screen view shunts to the right, now putting Nancy on the left and Lilith (on her own cell phone) on the right. Lilith: Nancy, itís Lilith again. Listen, this thing with my ex-husband is taking a lot longer than I expected. But I will be there, I promise you. Nancy: Uh-oh. Lilith: What do you mean ďuh-ohĒ? Nancy: Well, Iím on the other line with your date right now, and... I think he wants to cancel. Lilith: Before heís even met me? Well, uh... tell him I canceled on him first! Nancy: Okay. Iím really sorry about this, Lilith. [switches lines again] Switch left to Frasier and Nancy. Nancy: Hi. So, Iím afraid tonightís off. Frasier: Off? Nancy: Yeah, that was my friend. She had second thoughts. Frasier: Oh, really? Well, please tell your ďfriendĒ that I wasnít exactly bowled over by her first thoughts! He hangs up and stands up, before realizing- Frasier: I donít even know what that means. CUT TO: Hotel Room As Frasier comes out, Lilith holds out one of two glasses. Lilith: So what would you say to that drink? Frasier: Iíd say, ďdonít get too comfortable in that glass.Ē They chuckle as he takes the glass from her and they clink and sip. Frasier: Well, this is nice. Lilith: Yes, very. They sit in chairs at opposite ends of the table. They are still awkward with each other. Frasier: Freddy tells me he dissected a frog. Lilith: Yes, and a fetal pig. Of course, I made him do his homework first. Pause. Lilithís gaze wanders away. Frasier: Lilith, you seem preoccupied. Is this about your blind date tonight? Lilith: You could say that. Frasier: Well, for what itís worth, whoever this guy is... heíll feel awfully lucky when you walk through the door. Lilith: Thank you, Frasier - but I really shouldnít be keeping you from your date. Frasier: Oh, right. Well, I guess I should be going, yes. He stands and makes a show of reaching for his coat, but canít face an evening alone Ė though he canít yet confess the truth to her. Frasier: Although, you know, you are here for just one night. Perhaps I could call and push things back a bit? Lilith: Maybe I could delay mine as well. Frasier: Great. Lilith: All right. They each take out their phones, standing at opposite ends of the room. Lilith: What excuse are you going to use? Frasier: Oh, Iíll just trot out my stand-by, it works every time. Simply say that I swerved to avoid hitting a Chihuahua, ran up on a curb and blew a tire. Lilith: [amused] This morning you said it was a Pomeranian. Frasier: [embarrassed] Well, this morning it was. But by now they are over the awkwardness and easy in each otherís company. FADE OUT
Scene Six Ė Lilithís hotel room Frasier and Lilith are seated on the couch together, with drinks. They have been comparing track records. Frasier: So Iím in the middle of this date from hell, when Kenny walks in with his cousin, whom Iíd passed on sight unseen. Turns out sheís not only gorgeous, but her name is actually Miss Wright. Lilith: Okay, you win. Frasier: Mm-hmm. [N.B. See [11.05], The Placeholder] Frasier: Say, are there any more kettle chips in the mini-bar? Lilith: No. We can have either Gummi Bears or cashews, but Iím afraid we canít afford both. Frasier: Ah. They share a bemused smile. Then in the adjoining room they hear a door slam. Sean: [o.s.] Erin, would you stop? I donít even know what I did! Erin: [o.s.] Why do you always say that like you think it will help? Sean: Because when I guess, you get angrier! Frasier gets up and walks to the connecting door. Frasier: Boy, that takes you back, doesnít it? Lilith doesnít answer. Sean: What, did I forget to notice your hair? Erin: Thatís NOT why Iím mad. Frasier: You know, Iím just going to ask them to be quiet. Sean: I canít talk to you when youíre like this. Iím going out. Erin: Sean, what are you doing? As Frasier reaches for the connecting door, it is flung open by Sean. Sean: [sees Frasier] Oh, uh... sorry. Erin: [appears behind him; scathingly] Thatís not the hall. Frasier: Yes, uh... itís all right. You see, we overheard your quarrel, and in the interest of keeping the peace and quiet, maybe we could offer some assistance. They both make noises of dismissal. Sean: No, itís okay, we can handle it ourselves. [turns away] Frasier: [in his element] Oh, can you, Sean? You donít even know what you did. They stop, uncertain. Frasier: Please, wonít you come in? [they do, hesitantly] Iím Dr. Frasier Crane, this is Dr. Lilith Sternin. We are psychiatrists. Lilith: Thereís no need to be afraid. We are here to help. Erin: So what, youíre like caped crusaders for mental health? Lilith: No, not caped. Frasier: Please, come and sit down. Sean and Erin sit together on the couch. Frasier and Lilith take a chair on either side of them. Frasier: All right then. What seems to be the problem? Erin: Uh... when we were at dinner, he was checking out another woman. Lilith: And you feel threatened by this? Erin: Shouldnít I? Frasier: Well, maybe. Shot in the dark here Ė your parents are divorced, Dad left Mom? Erin: [surprised] Yeah. Howíd you know? Lilith: Itís classic transference. Because your father and mother split up, you overreact whenever you perceive a threat to your current relationship. Frasier: [to Sean] And you, you care about this woman? Sean: Absolutely. Frasier: Then keep your eyes in your head! It bugs her, and itís bad form. Lilith: [to Erin] And if he should fail at this Ė which he will, heís a man Ė it does not mean heís going to leave you. Sean: Or that I donít love you. [Erin turns to him] Because I do. Erin: [melting] I know. I love you, too. They kiss tenderly. Sean: Wow! You guys are good. Erin: Yeah, that was amazing. So, do you two just have the best marriage ever? Frasier: Actually... Lilith: Yes... we do. Frasier and Lilith share a look. Sean and Erin stand up, euphoric. Sean: Well, uh, thank you! It was really nice meeting you. Frasier: [shaking his hand] Likewise, likewise. You seem like a really nice young couple, and Iím sure youíll understand if I lock the door. Good night. He sees them to the door and closes it after them. Lilith: Well done, Dr. Crane. Frasier: Back at you, Dr. Sternin. Iíd suggest that we try a high-five, but I recall we attempted that once after a bridge victory and you scratched my cornea. Lilith: Well, I guess we shouldnít keep our dates waiting any longer. Frasier: Right. He picks up his coat again, and heads slowly for the door. Frasier: Good luck on your-your romantic adventure this evening. Donít you worry ó youíre going to knock his socks off... Lilith: [tired out] Frasier, I donít have a date anymore. He canceled. Frasier: Youíre kidding. Lilith: No. I was too proud to admit it to you. How pathetic is that? He gingerly pats her shoulder, still unwilling to fess up. Frasier: Well, thereís no need to beat yourself up about it. Lilith: Come on, a fake phone call to ďbuy timeĒ? Frasier: Itís understandable. Just a face-saving gesture in the light of... Lilith: Oh my God, your date canceled on you too. Frasier: [caught] All right, yes. Itís a banner day for both of us. [drops his coat] I tell you, all this lying has certainly worked up my appetite. You want to get some room service? Lilith: That might be nice. Frasier: Okay. She rises from her chair and sits next to him on the couch, as he opens the room service menu. Frasier: Certainly beats sitting alone, wondering what we missed out on this evening, hmm? From the next room they hear rhythmic pounding and loud moaning, as Sean and Erin celebrate being reconciled. Sean: [o.s.] Yes, yes, yes...! Erin: [o.s.] You big-bad-boy...! Frasier and Lilith sigh and study the menu. FADE OUT Scene Seven Ė Lilithís hotel room The morning sunlight is coming in. Frasier and Lilith are lying asleep on the couch, with her head resting in the crook of his arm. The remains of a gourmet meal and a bottle of wine are on the table before them, and the television is on. Frasierís jacket is off, but otherwise both are still dressed as before. They have not slept together, but have enjoyed a quiet, intimate evening. Lilith is the first to wake. Lilith: Frasier? Frasier: [wakes] Hmm? Hmm... oh! Oh, gosh, Iím sorry. Oh, I must have dozed off during the movie. Lilith: Me too. What time is it? Frasier: [checks his watch] Uh, itís almost six. Lilith: Six? I have a 7:30 flight. She gets up and starts straightening the room and gathering her things to pack. Frasier picks up his coat and goes to the door. Frasier: Right, right. Well, Iíll just get out of your hair. Listen, Lilith, dinner was lovely last night. I had a great time. Lilith: Yes well, much better than those blind dates could have possibly been. Frasier: Absolutely. Well listen, have a safe trip and all that, and give Freddy a hug for me. Lilith: I will. Frasier: All right. He picks up his jacket and goes to the door. Frasier: You know, itís funny... Lilith: What? Frasier: Well, I was just thinking that if we had never met, weíre exactly the kind of people that somebody might set up on a blind date. Lilith: You always were one for droll hypotheticals. Frasier: [chuckles] Ah, yes. Itís amusing to consider though, you know? What would we think of each other if were just meeting now for the first time? Lilith: But if we hadnít met, weíd be different people now. Frasier: Ah, true. But then that raises many other questions. I mean, what sort of man would the non-Lilith Frasier be? What sort of woman...? Lilith: [coming over] Did I mention I have a plane to catch? Frasier: Of course. Frasier opens the door. Lilith: But youíre right. It was a lovely evening. Frasier: We do have our baggage, donít we? But then sometimes thatís what makes the trip so interesting. Lilith: With one hand the past moves us forward, and with the other it holds us back. They hug. Though they are no longer in love, they still share a bond as something closer than best friends. Frasier: Good-bye, Lilith. Lilith: Good-bye, Frasier. He calls the elevator. Lilith looks at him thoughtfully, but not regretfully, and closes the door. He looks back with the same expression, and then steps onto the elevator. END OF ACT TWO Credits: Martin and Niles are playing catch with bananas. Martin makes a gentle underhanded throw, which Niles catches. He moves back a bit and throws another banana, and Niles nabs it with one hand. He cheers wildly at his success. Martin now decides to try it with a baseball. He tosses it gently. Niles bobbles it, and has to dive over Frasier's bookcase, knocking things down as he does. He holds on to the ball, however, and proudly raises it for Martin to see. Martin applauds his son's effort.

Guest Appearances

 Special Guest Star

 Guest Starring
 JAMES OLIVER as Barista

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