News Archive
We still have no interest in snakes.
The Big Headline
All Water Based Fruit Evil, Says Thomas
Thomas said today that all fruit with a water content higher than 50% was evil. Thomas has a leper and a 'sperm of leper'-based aphrodisiac cream so I must believe him. He was right about my jewel-encrusted time machine not working, after all. So that's it for most fruit then. The only non-evil fruits left are acorns and rat pods. And I don't like acorns.
Thomas also said these things:
1. Don't leave a bat alone in a cave.
2. Bats and camels are the only mammals that can attach ropes to other bats.
3. Bats can climb trees, but not bat mountains.
4. If bats could wink we'd all be in trouble.
5. In the future, bats will be able to breathe water and float.
6. Bats have no parachutes, only tiny hammocks.
7. Bats feel sad for ugly tramps, because they're
really shafted.
8. Beware the giant space bats.
News for the Women
Big Increase In Fluffly Bunnies
Big industry has finally got around to tarting itself up for the ladies of the land by offering more fluffly bunnies with everything. Fluffly bunnies will now come as standard issue on tanks, planes, chainsaws, non-fluffly bunnies, catheters, anti-ugliness kits, bombing ranges, teabags, monkeys, yellow and pine.
Ladies all over the land rejoiced at the announcement and had a big knees-up down the Charlatan Arms over a pint of lighter fluid and a nice big bag of chocolate covered moon fish. It turned nasty later when the ladies glassed a passing Hungarian, but it was great anyway.
Said an industry spokesman: "Yes, but what I want to know is, is it a crime to keep increasing the pressure until the colon actually ruptures?"
And remember girls, men didn't invent periods; it was ladies!
News for Power Rangers
News for Alien Babies
News for Monkey Men
Power Cows Continue Their Menacing Rise
The meteoric rise of the Power Cows continued apace yesterday as the last prostitution ring east of Yokohama fell under the control of the Power Cows. This leaves the Power Rangers controlling just the relatively poor North and North-East sectors, though they remain largely in control of the lucrative Tokyo video monkey panty love market.
The Power Rangers issued the following statement through their Belfast sub-office. "Power Rangers fight until the winning is won! In the battle for freedom surrender is not imperative! I strive daily to rid myself of overwhelming obstruction! I am taken to the other side with superior feelings of supple victory!"
Alien Baby Theme Tune On The Way (In A Big Truck)
Alien babies will soon have their own theme tune which can be played on arrival at a feast of mass destruction or on turning into another aisle at the supermarket. The theme tune is expected to arrive this Friday in a big truck driven by a man with no shoulders. The theme tune will be distributed free to all alien babies on production of a valid alien baby intergalactic travel coupon. It will cost 3.95 without the coupon.
Nice Bit Of Cake can exclusive reveal the chorus of the theme tune today:

Open your heart to me, baby.
I hold the lock and you hold the key.
Open your heart to me, baby.
I'll give you love if you, you turn the key.
Antlers Not Included
Monkey Men everywhere were left crying into their bowls of human excrement this morning with the news that the latest Nissan Monkey Man Moose Disguiser Kit will not include a set of antlers.
Instead, Monkey Men will have to either fork out an extra 40 lupins each for an official set of Nissan antlers or else descend in hordes on the Swedish tundra and remove the antlers of a live moose before killing it with a hammer and glueing the non-warranteed antlers to their hideously deformed skulls. At present, the latter option seems to be gaining favour with the Monkey Man in the street.
Take me home, Horace
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