| News Archive 2 |
| We still have no interest in snakes. |
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| The Big Headline |
| Wombat Tootling Outpost Declares War On Bridget Fonda. The People's Nectarine Republic Of Banjo Ankles declared war on Bridget Fonda in a surprise announcement by Random Minister Tony Ravioli last evening, writes Lard Sheepgears. It had been widely predicted that the announcement would concern the price of bat lubrication foam. A spokesman for Ms. Fonda said: "We have nothing to fear but giant space bats. Our cause is just and we will purify ourselves in raging rivers of the blood of innocents. Join us or buy some merchandise. The mugs are nice." Banjo Ankles last major claim to fame was their high-profile kidnap and subsequent slaughter of Earnest Hemmingway almost three thousand years ago. Since then it's been a bit quiet round here. Nowadays, Banjo Ankles is mainly known as the world's leading producer of party soup. Many believe that the declaration of war is a media rouse designed to increase the profile of Banjo Ankles and encourage foreign investment in the country's bobbler mines. Still others suggest that the wombat tootling industry is something I made up to allay fears of my own latent homosexuality. |
| News for the Women |
| Fashion News! Clown Promenade! The newest style for ladies has hit us like a stick from the fashion capital of Europe, Canada! It's all about circus, girls! Get your big asses into even bigger trousers and remember to wear big red shoes that making duck walk noises! Cover your face with white stuff and put your lipstick all around your mouth, not in it! Terminate your fashion impetus with enormous breasts and a see-through paddle! Remember these few simple rules and you'll have driven Gertrude the hairy German golf fiend into a face-slashing frenzy in wads of friendly jealousy! That is, unless she reads this article in a translated format and follows it blindly like a duck being pushed up a duck chute! In this hilarious scenario, just slash her face yourself using your razor-tipped clown hook! And remember girls, men didn't invent periods; it was ladies! |
| News for Jim |
| News for Nose Flutes |
| News for Giant Space Bats |
| Don't Drink Anymore Gin. You've had enough gin and if you drink anymore then you'll get all surly and pass out and then puke in somebody's bedroom. And then the specially adapted firemen will not come to your house anymore and put out the fires you light to keep dominion over the cabbages and turnips of the fields and the bees and smells of the air. In other news, your hamster, Donna, is pregnant but Skeletor, your other hamster, is not the father. Donna is part of a bizarre and vengeful hamster-goatboy cross breeding project by the retarded swamp people of Argon 5. |
| Missing Nose Flute Discoverd Naked But Dead Everyone was crying last night as Gordon Shumway, nose flute of renowned proportions, was found naked but not very alive in a bucket behind Strasbourg. The people of Strasbourg were said to be devastated by the news and spent most of the morning vomiting into their cutlery drawers in a pique of self-loathing. Several hundred thousand people killed themselves by running upstairs at crazy angles and jumping in front of on-rushing spikey people. A loud scream was heard from the offices of the Queen of Strasbourg followed by a gunshot and then silence and then the sound of a queen having a slash and then the sound of her dying of delayed gunshot death of the head. Her body was removed and replaced with a decorative nose flute. The 2nd Nose Flute Cavalry Marshalls will lead the memorial assault on Uzbekistan on Tuesday. |
| Heather Graham Still Taking Pot Shots At Giant Space Bats. Hollywood actoress and beefcake, Heather Graham, continued to take potshots at passing space bats despite being ticked off by banshee rocker Tori Amos last weekend outside Elton John's Ladies' facility. This crazy bitch is thought to be responsible for the deaths of over one thousand giant space bats since she was introduced to the activity by Nuria Osle, an international gay rights activist. Ms Osle, if that's her real name, is currently in hiding under a desk in southern Germany, where she is plotting to overthrow the government of Luxembourg, if it has one, and replace it with a picture of Leonard Nimoy, whom she admires to the point of hatred. |
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