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Please keep in mind
that if you are not open minded and don't have a very wild sense of humor about
sex, stories, and life's mishaps, please do not go any further on this page.
Personal and private stories are not shared on this site due to privacy and
personal trust. Please be aware that these are not linked to anyone directly but
are for the enjoyment of your reading pleasure.
This is not my own personal opinion but jokes sent in and/or discussed and I
thought would be humorous......enjoy!
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The I.S.E.'s Forty Ways Women Fail In Bed
1. MILKING IT: When stroking a guy's package don't grab
it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don't use
the penis as if it's a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The
male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be worshipped and held
tenderly at all times.The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should
be), not two-thirds of the way down.
2. LETHAL WEAPONS: A guy's scrotum is a wondrous
aesthetic achievement of nature to be treated gently. Don't squeeze the balls
like you are squeezing water from a sponge. If you have long nails pull them off
with pliers before even looking at a guy's ball bag.
3. ROBOTS: When sucking a guy's dick don't just get on
the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It's a beautiful
instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every
angle.
4. SILENT FRIGHT: If you've come and cannot be arsed to
scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the
guy that he's done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants. A
finger up his arse should do the trick.
5. PHONE TURN-Off: Don't put your mobile phone next to
the bed and say: I'm just waiting for a call from my hairdresser to confirm an
appointment but we can carry on in the meantime. Ringing bells might have turned
Quasimodo on but not your average stud with 10 pints of lager inside him.
6. NO LAUGHING MATTER: Don't laugh if your creative male
lover gets carried away and says things like Ride my hard cock you filthy
cock-sucking slut or I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love juice
Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be
grateful you've got a guy who can speak whole sentences.
7. CLOSING UP:If a man is willing to take the trouble to
come on your face, don't close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic
moment of joyful union with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent
blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for
his happiness.
8. POOR PRESENTATION: Presentation is all important.
Don't wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know
you love it.
9. HANGING AROUND: When he is done, you should not kiss
and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave
him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with
out thieving anything or asking for a phone number.
10. BEING SHY: Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know
you love it. If you don't like it that much, still offer it as you can quite
easily play with yourself as he rams away.
11. BEING A DRIP: You always have tissues in your bag,
use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved
and not swallowed everything.
12. LACK OF MAINTENANCE: Never ask a man if he likes your
body as you will force him to lie. Men don't like fat chicks. Get in the gym and
lose some weight and tighten those buns and thighs. There is no such thing as
the perfect body. 99.6 per cent of men say that even Christy, Elle, Naomi et al
could still lose a few pounds -so what chance have you got?
13. CLOCK-WATCHING: Never, ever, ever, ever even think of
saying: "Are you going to come soon." If you're doing a blowie, you'd have to
take your mouth off to utter the question. If you're giving a hand-job, you
should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he's shagging you and takes
more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a
blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.
14. FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: Don't ask him if you're the
best lover he's ever had. Most men have had so many sexual partners that it is
unlikely that you are. Please don't ask a man to lie about such an important
thing.
15. PLAYING DEAD: Don't just lie there, do something.
Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a
bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don't
mind that and we're blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at
least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.
16. BEING POSSESSIVE: If you are lucky to have an
imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don't sneer at or reject
his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a
threesome. If he's a real man he's probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might
learn something from her to keep your man really happy.
17. NOT KEEPING YOUR HAIR ON: Don't shave all your pubic
hair off. It makes your pussy look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by
date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim,
go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favoured by the Playboy models
that your man would rather be shagging.
18. SPITTING IT OUT: When a man has gone to so much
trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit
it out without savouring the taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen
like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to
side. A line like "I loveit when you come in my mouth" makes for a happy finale
to fun and games.
19. INGRATITUDE: Never forget to thank a man for all the
effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a) sex
has lasted more than five minutes and/or b) you managed to achieve an orgasm. A
man's role in sex is far more demanding than a woman's so it is always nice when
one's prowess is appreciated.
20. SEEKING FAVOURS: Never contemplate taking advantage
of your man's warm after-sex glow to seek favours or make requests. As he drops
off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask :"Do you think I should
buy that dress/skirt/sofa/Mercedes/country cottage?" there is a name for the
practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.
21. BED-RIDDEN: Too many women fail in bed because they
insist on being IN BED. Very few countries have statutes limiting horseplay to a
designated room. Let yourself go with some sex in the study, bonking in the
bathroom and kinkiness in the kitchen. If you're lucky, your man might imagine
he's bonking someone sexy and adventurous and he might manage a larger, harder
erection.
22. SHARING NOT CARING: Whilst it is understandable that
you would be excited after receiving a mouthful of cum, do not be thoughtless in
expressing your gratitude by kissing your man on the lips. YOU like semen, HE
doesn't. Be considerate, please.
23. BEING NAKED: Very few female bodies are good to look
at if so please make an effort to cover up as much as possible with exotic
lingerie. Match the outfit to suit your bod. If you've got a half-decent arse
but no tits for example, wear stockings and suspenders and cover your meagre
mammaries with something silky.
24. TOO BRIGHT: If the man switches the light off, it is
for a reason, so please don't insist on seeing what's going on. If he's got a
bit of a beer belly or a lovebite from a bonk earlier that day, it is his right
to keep such matters to himself. If he wants it dark so he can imagine he's
shafting Natalie Imbruglia, please understand this fascinating aspect of the
male psyche.
25. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (1): Never embarrass a
gentleman by challenging him to remember your name after he's shagged you. If he
thought it was important to remember your name, he would have.
26. PLAYING THE NAME GAME (2): Don't be angry if you're
lover shouts out another woman's name during the sexual act. Men have much more
complicated lives than women and deal with many more people at work, football
club, gym, pub, etc. It's probably just a close associate and totally innocent.
Of course, he might be shagging someone else in his spare time and it is
understandable that he should make such an obvious mistake.
27. KEEPING HIM WAITING: Don't get him all turned on and
the let his proud stiffy whither while you go to the bathroom and tone and
moisturise every square centimetre of your body. The male erection can be
sensitive to 45-minute delays while you go off to make yourself look
presentable. If you must follow a strict beauty regime, do it after he's shot
his load and has started to snore.
28. TOOTH ACHE: When we ask you to eat our cock, this
should not be taken literally. I know it's hard to resist but keep the tooth
action to a little nibble now and again.
29. YOU CAN'T HURRY, LOVE: If a woman is serious about
good oral sex as part of foreplay, 20 minutes is the bare minimum required to
give the subtle and complex penis a reasonable working over. Better allow for 45
minutes at least.
30. TWO DIMENSIONAL: It's not enough to be a specialist -
even in the important skill of fellatio. To be regarded as a successful woman in
bed you must have a full portfolio of tricks. These should include a penchant
for facial glazing and a familiarity with idiosyncrasies of your man's anal
region.
31. CAMERA SHY: If he wants to capture the beauty that is
you during those special moments (so he can remember the bits he missed because
he was drunk), help him by posing in a gorgeous, pouting way for the camera or
video camera.
32. UNSWEET SMELL OF EXCESS: While men are more than
happy to lick the pink clam, please give it a bit of a wash once or twice a
week. You can have too much of a good thing.
33. OBSESSIVE: The female orgasm is over-rated so don't
spoil everybody's fun by insisting on having one every time you have sex. Of
course, if you do have lots, you should feel free to announce them.
34. PERIOD PAIN (1): It's natural for a woman to beg for
a good seeing to a) but please do not pretend your period has finished or b)
that it hasn't even started. Just go without and let your man catch up with his
fantasies about your friends, his young and pretty work colleagues and the girls
he shagged before he met you.
35. PERIOD PAIN (2): Having said that (above), just
because you're on the blob, it doesn't mean his natural and healthy urges have
gone away. Don't put sex off limits for the duration of your period. Use this
special time together to work on your oral and massage techniques.
36. THE BIG SWITCH (OFF): Nothing is worse than giving a
man some encouragement and then not finishing the job. Such encouragement might
be the slightest brush against any part of his body. So if he's got a stiffy,
you've got to deal with it and take things through to there natural conclusion.
37. WAKE-UP CALLER: Men have busy and demanding schedules
so please understand if he should occasionally (say three times a week) fall
asleep while on the job. You should take it as a compliment that he feels so
relaxed.
38. COVER UP: If you have lured a man to bed under the
guise of being a sultry temptress with long eyelashes and painted lips, please
keep the illusion going until he has discharged his porridge gun or fallen
asleep. If you care about him, you will make sure he never discovers the
terrible secret hidden beneath your caked-on make-up.
39. PUTTING A DAMPENER ON THE EVENING: Don't make a fuss
about sleeping on the damp patch. If God wanted men to sleep on the messy
remains of coitus he would have given us a snatch.
40. TV SINNER:The only TV programmes suitable for
accompanying good sex are hardcore porn (especially involving yourself) or a
football match. No gardening or knitting programs to be watched.
_______________________________________________________
The I.S.E.'s Forty Ways Men Fail In Bed
1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving
straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour
and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A properly
passionate kiss is the ultimate form offoreplay.
2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at
school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic
and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday
cake. That hurts.
3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine
strapped toyour chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and
thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's
avoidance.
4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife
testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress,
and soothe them.
5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's
nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her
breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and
suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a
doggie toy isn't.
6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you
twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio
station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation
points.
7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a
highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown
Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as
you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some
attention.
8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the
underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going
to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.
9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the
man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.
10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very
unpleasant,so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.
11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick
up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast.
If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.
12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid,
but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her
head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.
13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her
gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her
thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.
14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can
find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's
all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen
banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it
can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her
clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger
inside her and see if she likes it.
15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her
a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are
okay; elbows and knees are not.
16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by
stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off,
even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.
17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and
underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks first!
18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina
situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool
- she'll soon feel lie an assembly-line woorker made obsolete by your technology.
Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.
19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip
bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback
riding concentrated into a few seconds.
20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If
you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup
plan to ensure her pleasure too.
21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that
humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's
more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall
hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing
Marathon Man.
22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able
to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask.
23)PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant
cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on
gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris. (LICK THE ALPHABET -
WORKS LIKE A CHARM - USE CALLIGRAPHY)
24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this
until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to
mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged
to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try
talking seductively to her.
25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like
sea water mixedwith egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing
oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.
26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll
do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.
27) TAKING ETTIQUETTE ADIVE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated
movies,women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life,it just
means more laundry to do.
28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on
top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not.
Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a
schooner. And let her have a rest.
29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN
ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow
directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that
being drunk is an excuse.
30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, Can I take a photo
of you? she'll hear the words __to show my buddies. At least let her have
custody of them.
31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything
from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off.
Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and
permanent dye are a no-no.
32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINT HERS. There is no less
erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.
33) ARANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do
advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too
ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.
34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal
stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't.
35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some
gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants
to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.
36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like
a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.
37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely
magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you
know.
38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the
job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for
you.
39) QUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so
if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.
40) NOT THANKING HER. Be sure to thank her with BOTH
words and actions.
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Sex Terminology
1. Hot Lunch- While receiving head from a woman, you proceed
to shit on her chest. (a.k.a. the Cleveland Steamer)
2. The Stranger- Sitting on your hand until
it falls asleep and then jerking off, eliciting the feeling of a hand job from
someone else.
3. Donkey Punch- Banging a girl doggy style
and then moments before you cum, sticking your dick in her ass, and then
punching her in the back of the head. This gives a tremendous sensation, but for
it to work correctly,the girl must be knocked out so that her asshole tightens
up.
4. Golden Shower- Any form of dropping piss
all over a girl.
5. Pearl Necklace- Well known. Whenever you cum on the neck/cleavage area of a
girl - it takes on the look of beautiful jewelry.
6. Coyote- This occurs when you wake up in
the room of a nasty wombat and you know you've got to give her the slip.
However, you realize that your arm
is wrapped around her. Therefore, you must gnaw off your own arm to get out of
this situation. Can be very painful.
7. Purple Mushroom- This occurs when a woman
is giving you oral sex and you withdraw your penis in order to poke it back into
her cheek. It should leave a lasting impression similar to a purple mushroom.
8. The Flying Camel- A personal favorite. As
she is lying on her back and you are hammering her from your knees, you
carefully balance yourself without using your arms to prop yourself up. You then
proceed to flap your arms and let out a long, shrieking howl, much like a
coyote. Strictly a class move.
9. Fishhook- A variation of the shocker in
which you pull back towards the pussy after you stick your finger up her anus.
10. The Ram- Again, you're attacking from
behind, when you start ramming her head against the wall in a rhythmic motion.
The force of the wall should allow for deeper penetration. Very handy for those
lulls in penile sensitivity.
11. Dog in a Bathtub- This is the proper name
for when you attempt to insert your nuts into a girl's ass. It is so named
because it can be just as hard as keeping a dog in the tub while giving it a
bath.
12. Felching- A gay activity which I do not
condone at all. It occurs when one mo fucks another mo in the ass and then sucks
it out with a straw. Only included for those of you who are considering going to
jail.
13. Tossing Salad- Another prison act where
one person is forced to basically chow asshole with the help of whatever
condiments are available, i.e. Jello, olive oil, etc. I'm never going to prison.
14. The Bronco- Back to reality with this
classic. You start by going doggy style and then just when she is really
enjoying it, you grab onto her tits as tightly as possible and yell another
girl's name. This gives you the feeling of riding a bronco as she tries to buck
you off.
15. Pink glove- This frequently happens
during sex when a girl is not wet enough. When you pull out to give her the
money, the inside of her twat sticks to your hog. Thus, the pink glove.
16. The Fountain of You- While sitting on her
face and having her eat your ass, jerk off like a madman. Build up as much
pressure as possible before
releasing, spewing like a venerable geyser all over her face, neck and tits.
(Better in her bed)
17. New York Style Taco- Anytime when you are
so drunk that when you go down, you boot on her box. Happy trails.
18. The Dirty Sanchez- While having sex with
a girl from behind, you insert your finger into her asshole. Then, you reach the
brown finger around to her face and make two sweeping strokes with it across her
upper lip, leaving a brown moustache.