:: The Inner Workings and Random Ramblings of Me ::

:: Wednesday, February 06, 2002 ::

A February Complain
Maybe I'm being utterly annoying... and maybe it's a bit early for my annual lamenting, but damn it I am sick of Valentine's Day. Uggg... stop talking about it. I think I may dig myself a hole and hide in it come the 14th. I don't want to hear another "I love you" this that and the third right now. And yes, call me utterly stubborn for all this, but damn it can I please for one year of my life get even a little paper red heart?
I need to calm myself more, I need to find a relaxing medium to get my stresses out. But wait, I thought my medium was writing? So now what? Maybe I'm just saying all this because I'm so tired, that may be it. So I'm going to go now and go to sleep...
:: Stook _ 2:43 AM [+] ::
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When You've Had Enough of Too Little
When I created this blog I sort of made myself promise not to fill it with constant lamentings about love and the lack thereof... well, I'm in a way failing in that mission, hence this next entry...
Next week is Valentine's Day, and let me announce now that I am fully protesting it. This is the 19th (well, think the latter of my teenage years )year of my like that I declare my self "anti". I was supposed to be able to finally get something, to be able to enjoy that day this year. Instead, I get to be alone once more while people prance around me with balloons, flowers, hearts, and a whole bunch of other pink and white and red paraphanelia. I think I may be sick. Yes, some may say I brought this on myself by deciding to split, but I still stand by my decision. It's just that every year now I'm reminded of the trend that I never recieve anything. Never gotten roses, candy, stuff like that on Feb. 14th ('cept from my dad and mom). But let's be real, I want something from a romantic interest. It's not even that I have this full-blown jealousy thing, just little things sometimes irk me. Like stop with all that cuddling shit (I think I'm getting more and more coldhearted by the day). It's all getting so much more hopeless. Ok so yes I'm only 19, but can I get someone if even for an instant for once in my life?

And now that I've vented... I think I might go and do some homework... (imagine that one). More drama to follow soon... promise...
:: Stook _ 11:57 PM [+] ::
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The Things We Have To Do
Ok ok.. before I go into anything.. I'm in the middle of reading thisGod Ordered to Split in Anti-trust I'm in the floor laughing now.. gotta love those The Onion people.
So... what can I say... it's over. No, really, I broke it up last night. Not that I can say that I didn't have love, and don't still have love... but let's be real we were going nowhere. I don't need that right now, so I ended it all. I feel weird now... like I want to call them and say "I'm sorry" and some other apologetic stuff that may make this all right. Bernie (my stuffed dog) is sitting on my bed right now looking kinda sad to me. But I know... I can't. It's just that we never really did anything normal. Emotionally, yes it was cool, but I realize there was this whole other side to me that wasn't right. My mental.. there I sometimes felt we were two different people. Not that I can't take some opposites... in fact for them it seemed to be ok. But in this, something wasn't right.... so... splittsville...
In other news (like I really have some other news) The thought process does not end on my (ahem) other individual... Can anyone tell me just when I allowed this to happen to me. One day.. fine.. next day.. oh my god... and now here I am a veritable mess for yet another. I never even saw it coming like this. This dumb cycle does not end. Argghhhh.... Which reminds me I have to schedule a good time to go to dinner tomorrow...
I haven't written much in the book in the past couple of days... I think I just needed to take a step back for a bit and gather my thoughts on it again. A couple of days ago I started asking myself what in the world would happen when I really did finish it. Plus just everything that I've been doing in the past couple of days (I'm pretending like I really had that much to do, in reality... nothing) Just the whole split decision and all, but it really did sidetrack my mind. Not that I'm not almost constantly thinking about the plot. It's a thougt-consuming process... well.. that and the person. That, the person and my occasional craving for ice cream. And sometimes, just sometimes... my classes. (Do I have my priorities straight or what?)
Has it been noticed I've been doing an upward trend if shorter entires these days? Did I run out of things to say? Probably not, and not that any of my "drama" has subsided. (Not that I really have that much drama anyways) But umm.. just not as pressed to say things these days.
:: Stook _ 4:47 AM [+] ::
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Isn't He Obvious?
I thought it had been much longer since I had written.... guess not.. who knew? The events in my life have been nothing of very interesting, but I guess they are noteworthy all the same.. so here goes...
First, I'm having a bit of what I guess I would call "writing jitters". I'm currently in the middle of writing my first book. (yes, I'm still writing it...) and I guess around last night I've started to get real doubts if this could ever hold up in the real world. By that I mean catch the attention of a literary agent, and then sell it to a publisher. Everyone who has read the work in prgoress so far says it's really good (note that they are my friends, and sometimes they can give limited honest opinions...) I just don't want 20,000 reject letters. Scary.. very scary...
Second, I'm having this really weird thing going on. I mean I just get entrhralled in the presence of a certain individual and it's just unusual for me. Have I not learned my lesson from the past (counts fingers) 10,000 other cases? I got a few sentences yesterday and I ran around my dorm like a giddy child. Honestly... if this keeps up... well actually it's fun and frustrating also because now I know what I want. But at least we know there is hope for my whole demeanor... hell I was overly happy. Euphoria... I finally had gotten my damn euphoria somehow... Something finally caused it in me. Now if that could only be an everyday experience... the world would be so much a better place.
I had other things to say, but like typical me I forgot them all. I'm horrible sometimes. Friday night and this is what I do (sigh). And to top it all of I'm sick (blahh). Oh and regarding the entry title... ever heard the song Obvious by Christina A... explanation to it....I'm going to occupy myself now...
:: Stook _ 12:29 AM [+] ::
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You'd think that after everything that went on I'd be indifferent to most things. And the fact is that I am and everything, but other factors are starting to surface and it seems like even the simplest of things may not be able to transpire between us. It's a fact and possibility that somewhat saddens me. I mean, what if it's not allowed and all. Maybe I'm overreacting. But underneath it all it really is so innocent, nothing is intended with it, at least for me. I live here now, here happy with my person and my life. And they, they live in another world. We just happen to somehow speak to each other, that's it. That's all it can be, I've known and accepted that for quite some time now, so what is the problem. (I know none of this is making any damn sense right now, but now I'm even questioning who is reading this) But anyways, onto something else I guess.
I've had another dream with a recurring appearance of a certain individual. It wasn't anything really, just that I find it weird. But I've been thinking about it regardless, and even though I know it had no meaning whatsoever, it was nice to be out of reality for a moment. I really don't have much to say tonight, I was just sitting and thinking for a moment about everything and how it was affecting me.
I'm actually pretty tired, alot of stuff just made me tired... guess I'll go to bed now, sorry if none of this made any sense.
:: Stook _ 1:35 AM [+] ::
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What's The Point?
I think in my earlier years I was overfed on the whole Disney fairy tale thing. You know the story... poor, deprived in someway heroine finds Prince Charming, they fall in love, face some conflict that keeps them apart (evil spell, sorcerer, witch, someone who judges character by appearences, someone who wants to take over the throne... you know... someone bad..."evil"), beat them, and then get to live happily ever after. There is no other way. When have you ever seen a movie that didn't end that way? Anyways, I think I watched one too many of those (Wait...I still do...) and somehow got filled with the notion that my Prince Charming was out there somewhere and I'd get that...troubles would disappear,and I'd ride off in his car and live happily ever after in a penthouse somewhere (c'mon.. forget the riding off on a horse and living in a castle thing....) Actually, I've since long dismissed that notion that may ever happen, (and I am only 19, there's still time and all), but my frustration still grows.
My thoughts are concentrated on a few things right now. (ok..so yeah I've said them in the past few entires... but so what...I need to vent damn it.) The words that keep going through my head over and over.."What's the point?" And in reality... what the hell is the point? What is the point in feeling anything at all when it is for no purpose? I can think this and that, but what the hell is the motive, nothing at all. I feel like this all has no purpose at all. And that, more than anything,angers me, saddens me... it makes me wish so much again how I wish this wasn't the case. But it is, and I'm stuck here, in what seems this parallel feeling for something that will never have any outcome. You know how every cause has an effect? Well this feeling, this cause... will have no effect, no outcome...
What's the point in anything....They, a person, my person, are on the other end of me, talking to me, asking me what is the story now... and I cannot explain to them why I am feeling like this right now, why I may have to let go. I'm not sure, I don't know anymore about anything. How do I explain that I feel off because I'm lacking "euphoria"? How the hell do I explain that I'm in a damn emotional tug-of-war between my reality and what I wish was true? I feel like crying over everything and then nothing. I don't want to do this at times, it hurts to think about it. But what in the end is the best move for me? I do love them and for that I don't want to hurt them, but somethings... somethings just off.
For now, I want everyone to just dissapear, to leave me alone. Stop asking me this and that. For one, stop trying to change my mind, it will never work.. what's the point. For the other, something's not right, it's probably not you, but I need to find it. I do, damn it, I do love you. But I also can't... there's no point, and there's something missing. He is missing. And then also in another case an element is missing. So therefore, maybe it's time to stop, let go, and do something new. Actually, work on me for a while. Find my euphoria that I want so much, stop being so damn angry sometimes... Maybe it's time for something new...
:: Stook _ 7:49 PM [+] ::
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Love... Was Made For You and Me (A Theory in Possibilities and Nevers)
Has there been anything more drastic in my actions than what I did today? Umm, (yeah... Monday I kinda did something a bit... well a bit). But tonight I realized just how unsure I am on so many things, on how maybe I need to reasses what in the hell I am doing here in certain aspects. I swear sometimes I must have built up bad karma in the love department in one of my previous lives, because it never seems to fall into place, if it's not one individual, it's the other, and at one point in my life today I felt like just letting all of them go, for my own sanity.
One.. on one hand, I can almost hate for bringing all this crap back in me (note I said "almost"... the battle between fully and never is ever constant with me). What's the point? There is no point. I don't want to think about this anymore. And now, I think, I think and I think some more. Uggg, a whole month's worth of mental this and that and despising and for what? To be back in this damn posistion again? And I wonder why I want to just say "enough" sometimes.... but I can't.
The next one, what can I say. Was my sanity, still my sanity. Yet sometimes it seems like something is not right. It's not "ticking" or something. Do not get me wrong. Love is love, and that is... but sometimes it's just this... So tonight I felt maybe I should calm it down for a bit. Do me for a while. Why do I feel so sure about this and then so unsure? And to repeat myself... why is it sometimes I want to say "enough"... but I can't.
I feel like it will never be right, it will never be totally ok. I only can be "half-ok". I will never find my own damn "euphoria" and be in some blissful, dumb, blinded state of mind that I see so many individuals. I hate them for it, they're all happy and this and that and can write sonnets on how "the world is such a better place with love, I can wake in the morning and feel a breeze waft through the trees... never let go of my love please" (I'm still the natural rhyming person.) I want my own. I know what... no... sometimes who... I need for my damn bliss. Why can't I write my own damn sonnets and pick daisies in a field and all that other good stuff. But does that ever work out... no. So what would be the soloution? Possibly cut everything that's giving me grief off. In the perfect world yes, I'd survive doing just that. In my world, no, I can't quite just let go to anything just yet.
I've been told... that I'm a bit too cynical...well...no...I call it cynical, maybe the more better word is a bit too overzealous with my new found anger, not anger, not quite bitterness, maybe just a combination of all of them rolled into this pleasant demeanor that is now me (funny if they new they had a partial role in making me this way). I realized a long time ago that was only my way of dealing with things. Slight evilness... sometimes equals contentness... or something of that sort. If I were totally happy, I mean totally euphoric, I wouldn't have to be this cynical anymore (imagine the day that happens...) And once more as I've stated in a few of my past entries...I'm a lost cause. It doesn't make sense anymore.
I think I'm going to just give up the task of loving another individual and focus my energy on myself or something. Hell... it's a bit harder for me to hurt myself than another individual... one word, one feeling, can be the root of someone's entire psyche... I almost refuse to let it be mines...
:: Stook _ 3:00 AM [+] ::
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The Realization That It Still Remains
Today was a major release of stress, I found out something that had the potential to change my course of life... literally... but it turned out ok. And through a few tears of joy and pure relief, I walked out of Ac. Affairs office thanking God for granting me this chance. Now is the start, and now is the new chapter of me that I've wished for for so long. But with uncertainty, I could never know what was to become of me, now I know, I'm so ready to do some things this semester. But after everything that I've sworn I'd leave behind from last year (I had a pretty good time listing my New Year's resolutions to change my reality a few weeks ago)... something has seemed to have followed.
A couple of months ago, I was angry, very angry, and with good reason. I basically shut it out of my life, I didn't have time for all the negativity and the feeling this and that. Anyways, it eventually subsided, I went about my life, trying my best to forget, only problem is, things never go away that easliy. So here I am, present day, hearing all these things that no more or no less still confuse me, and even though most times they don't anger me, I still hate to sit and think, because, as I said today, what is the point of all of this? There's no solution to it, we're just there. Yet I can't tell the shit to go away, nor can I have it stay, it stays, it makes me feel confusion and this feeling that is something of an equivilant to hurt (not quite sure of a word for it.. maybe contempt). If I make it leave, it's the same thing, because I know underneath it all it's still there, who the hell am I denying, I still need it there, I want it there sometimes, it's still what I love. I can't deny that. So what am I to do? Nothing... let time pass that's all, time pass and nothing come, just a feeling that'll remain, and live my life for today, not for what it was.
I'm finding it rather humorous (as humorous as it can be) that so many (well not alot, a few people in my life) find something in my (that was in my) posession so important. Am I going to verify and say what that object actually is? No, I'll get caught out a bit too much by people. Anonymity remains. But anyways, the point is that something in me I guess was revered by individuals more than what I estimated, (well, even what I estimate now) and that I didn't realize how much. Is that in my posession worth that much to certain people? But then again, none of them have that right to me anymore anyways (most at least) so I was kinda surprised when they actually were upset about things. I'll be the first to declare that it is a posession of no one but myself, and when I feel it's right to give that away, it is... enough said... (I think... geez are there alot of exceptions in this paragraph).
I've been thinking all day, all damn day, how messed up this all is. I sometimes wonder for how long this will or can remain. I'm not quite sure, but it kinda did feel better that I said what I said, things suck harboring all this stuff in me. I'd tell myself to try the withdrawl thing again, but I know it won't work, I don't want it to. So I'm going to focus energy on my here and now, my source of happiness right now. Without that, I really may be a loss cause. I'm beginning to get confirmation that some situations, this one, are just never ever going to be solved... All it does is mess with my head, I can take and want it for now.... but for how long can this remain?
I'm tired... yes I realize this made no sense to anyone but me most likely, and don't assume you know... because even I don't know...
:: Stook _ 2:28 AM [+] ::
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In the Moment of Innocence and Those Who Will Never See It
I'm sitting here trying to find something worthwhile and poignant to say right now. And the sad thing is I can't, yet I'm desperate to. So what can I say that would make this entry as worthwhile and defining as the others. Ummm... (long silence)
There was nothing that important going on this week, well, that's a bit of a lie, there was nothing going on if you don't include the near breaking of my sanity (yes, I am back in school now..) and this whole "loss of innocence" thing. It's not like I was this innocent thing before, even if some deemed me to be that, but now... I am seriously a lost cause, can never be returned. But onto better things...
I'm not quite euphoric (remember my whole euphoria problem before?) but I am quite happy at the moment being in the presence of a certain individual. They make me happy, I make them (most times heehee) happy, and thus somehow I guess there's a balance in both our worlds right now. So.. whatever happens I guess happens, or something along that point... life is so unsure right now... if people only really knew...
The one of the main causes of my frustration at home has now become a presence down here. They speak... I speak back, and it ends at that, it always end at that, it will never end at anything else because I have something so much better now, euphoria or not, and pain is always a factor...
I wanted so much to write tonight, and when I finally get in front of the thing I really have nothing to say (typical me again) So I guess I'm done...
:: Stook _ 3:26 AM [+] ::
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The Many Facets of Frustration
Did I say I was going back to school a few days ago? Well... I'm still here (surprise, surprise) and I'll be actually leaving tomorrow night. Don't ask how I keep moving my departure date ahead and ahead and ahead, I'm in a tad bit of a situation that needs to be rectified before anything can happen. What that is I will restrain from saying because it might get me in even more trouble, so I'll keep it to the teo individuals and myself who actually do know for now... Besides.. I'm still wondering who I know who knows me personally actually reads this. Are there any people who I talk about in here? No one really mentions to me that they do... but I know someone does.. somewhere... (glances around)...
Frustration has so many facets in my world at this moment. I've got one side with school and all it's ups and dows... and I'm not just talking about the major change. I'm talking about things like money and this other lil' pressing problem that has me doing all of my nervous habit and raising my blood pressure a few times a day. I've got another side... and lord if anyone knew how big this one was.. with relationships... Ok, do I really really realllllyyy need it? Sometimes I feel like my world would be so much better with just me myself and I in it and then there are times when I know that I'm wrong and should just stay where I am, I mean it's not like I'm not happy, well most times. I swear I complain about being where I am at one point and then when I finally get it... I'm confused and slightly indifferent to it. I'm a head-case. The next side of frustration? Certain people I need to say certain things to yet I can't. Why can't I? Various reasons like I'd have to be crazy in my mind because I know the situation, or I can't freakin' find them. Why the hell can't I find them. This city is only but so big. And why do I still have that need inside of me to do that anyway? What do I hope to accomplish? This isn't a movie things just don't turn out all right and dandy in the end. And everytime I've felt like I was soooo close to maybe finding what I was looking for, not a thing. Frustration. And the other thing with the being in a situation... the situation is not changing anytime soon so I might as well just forget it. This is almost like asking yourself how can you fix something if you have no clue in how to go about it to make it right. You just can't. And that is me right now.
You'd think by reading the past few entries I'd be a rather stressed person at the moment, and you'd be right. My bad stress habits are at an all time high right now. And they'll probably rise a bit more when someone from Financial Aid tells me what my balance is for this semester... (cringes)... College tuition these days is disgusting...
Guess the most important this right now is that I'm alive and well... and that god gave me a mind to think all of these crazy-no-sense-having things up.
:: Stook _ 6:11 PM [+] ::
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A Moment When Boredom Has Seized Me
Well... I was a bit bored so I decided to occupy my mind for a few precious moments and be somewhat productive. If you can call this being productive. I'm so bored and out of it and I'm seriously thinking about just turning this thing off and going to sleep. Funny cause it's way before my bedtime (I'm a natural night owl)... but whatever I do now I'm impartial to.
I'm supposed to be leaving to go back south back to school again (glances around to see if anyone noticed the suppoisedly word) I'm not quite sure on that too. I know I have to go, classes start on Thursday, or Weds. I think, I'm not even sure on that. I'm so backwards and out of it at times. The Christams break wasn't that long for me (not that it needed to be) but I feel like the day for me to return to school just sprang up on me, like it wasn't time for me to go back yet.
I hate reality... didn't I say that yesterday? Well... I do... I despise it, and moreover I hate forcing myself to think about it and accept it. I'm having a hard time accepting it again. But enough of that I guess. Just that it saddens me sometimes what is the truth and what is not. But I'll deal, just as I have before. Sometimes I wonder if this is really what it's supposed to be... but enough of that drama...
I'm not quite sure what to write now. I'm blank (geez isn't this a first). I have thoughts that consume me but they're all the same, I've said them. So I guess the time this could occupy me has ended. I might as well go to sleep, there's no point in being blank and being consumed by thoughts at the same time. I have dreams more interesting than this, honestly I do... so until later...
:: Stook _ 11:39 PM [+] ::
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The Reality of Here and Now...
Well... looks like I haven't said anything in here in a bit... haven't been near any computers... (imagine my world without that) but anyways here's an update...
My mom is still throwing tantrums over the prospect that I may not become the world class doctor I once wanted to be. She made a comment such as "If you want to go and major in english and be a teacher go ahead but I'm not paying anymore money for school for you..." Uh-huh it's such a tragedy and waste of money that I may grow to become a teacher and change a few kids's lives. I actually sat there and laughed after she made that comment. Besides, I don't want to teach, I'm looking more in the journalist field. (Shows how much she knows...) And another thing, I'm not even definite that I'm giving up the pre-med thing. I'm just exploring another major this coming semester, I think I deserve to give myself that much, but onto other things.
I leave to go back to school in a few days, I'm out of here.. again (not that I'm unhappy about it) I am a bit sad that I didn't get to see as many people as I wanted to, that kinda made me mad, but oh well. back to my other life.
I was thinking... when you're in love... don't you normally feel some sort of euphoria to it? Euphoria or some sort of other word that describes that feeling. I'm lacking euphoria right now, I think somethings wrong with me... So is it true? I know it's true, but where in the hell is that euphoric feeling that normally comes with it all?
I was also thinking... for so long I wanted certain things, and when I finally get them I don't want them anymore. I can think back to so many times I wished and wished for this, and now that I have it, I'm not sure I want to deal with it right now. I can't seem to make up my damn mind. I think I just need to be free right now, free of everyone, but I certainly know by now I can't be free of everyone...
I'm not quite sure if being here was a blessing or a curse. It was a blessing to see people again and to return home again, and also a curse to see people and return home again. The thing about coming here is that things, thoughts, emotions, that I had put away, had forced out of my mind for my sanity now resurface because of the fact that individuals are now more prevelant in my life again. I'm thinking back to a few weeks ago when I was sitting here and reading a sentence sent to me, I remember subconciously starting to shake my head and saying to myself "no" over and over again because I knew that reading that was the beginning of bringing everything I had forced out back. I wanted to yell at them for even saying something like that to me, because I knew what it could start. Whether I wanted to acknowledge it or not it was still there. I'm sitting here now thinking how much I wish it was still gone, because even though it's back, there is still reality, the reality that I cannot change, the reality of what happened orignally. And that is what makes that emotion not present fully, because I still have seperated what is was then from what is is now. I don't know... I know alot of this probably doesn't make sense. But the point I'm trying to make is... I was perfectly fine in my place far away from this, from it all, but I'm back here and sometimes I feel as if all the things I forced out of me, well, they weren't really forced out of me. And I hate that.. I hate reality, I hate this. Why can't I just find some stupid euphoria like other people and not have to think about this?
But don't get me wrong, there was a seperation with them from one thing to another. I know it, I feel it sometimes. It's not that serious anymore, it's no where near serious, I don't know that it could be again. I do accept reality. But sometimes... when I have nothing else to think about.. I start to think about this, I think and I remember, and the feeling comes back, but I automatically force it away, because like I promised myself.... never again...
So I guess I'm done rambling for the night. I'm sure most of this makes no sense, but I got a chance to vent, and maybe that was the most important part of all of it. I guess reality is I don't know what I want, what I want to do with my life, elements in my life, people in my life. They all point to more confusion... But I'm very optimistic about this coming semester, exploring a new major, new people in my life (minus the euphoria) and maybe just be happy all around... who knows... only time will tell...
:: Stook _ 6:31 PM [+] ::
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Telling Me I Should Be Free...
So it's 12:55 am, which makes it Christmas right? Well, I guess throughout the ordeal of the day I've sort of let go of time. I fell out with my mother today on the whole doctor thing, I basically did what I've been trying to do for a bit now, let her know I want to explore other options. But does she accept? No. How can you do that to your child? Why must I be forced into such a thing? Although I refuse to be, and today basically made a resolution to break off from everything related to up here and to be independant. I don't even want to spend the summer up here in NH, I'd rather be down in "C".. where's there's sanity, where people don 't control me, where I can forget things and be allowed to be me. I don't want to conform to what people want me to be, I want to just be able to be free to be creative and myself and develop who I am, and all that seems to happen to me up here is stiflment. Remember what I said about the people up here? Every last one of them makes me feel some sort of emotion, and latley it seems so powerful enough to just make me want to... I'm not sure, but my emotions from 99.9% (maybe that .1% being my dad and my best friend) has been on the uneasy side. I'm not sure, but I know now is the time for me to start to break away, I'm not dealing with anything anymore...
Probably one of the one persons (aside from my best friend) who can calm me so much and listen to me and make so much sense of the madness that I go through sometimes and make my day better is very far away back down south in "C" right now. It's crazy 'cause I can't talk to them all the time like I do when I'm down there right now and it kills me. I miss that so much.
But checking my email today I got something (wow, a good email in an abyss full of junk) that gave me that warm squishy feeling inside... I'm not even sure where they got it from.. but it's worth me putting it here...

They're always running around
Telling me i should be free
But there's no kind of way
I'd let them take your love from me
You see I'm not one who goes on
Speculation, hearsay, gossip
But i'm a firm believer
In trusting, caring, and loving
My love for you is so timeless
It's deeper than the depth of emotion
and everyday goes by, i am finding
The reasons that i love you more and more
Now and forever will i love you and be true
Now and forever will i keep what we have new
I will cherish, adore you
Trust and give my all to you
now and forever will i always love you

And that people... was good enough for me... somehow they still can keep my sanity... Merry Christmas...
:: Stook _ 1:18 AM [+] ::
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Stay a week here... get a lifetime of emotion
(Glances at the date and gasps) Oh my goodness has it really been that long since I've updated this thing? Where did the time go? Well my somwhat reasonable excuse for not updating is that my computer's as slow as a drunken turtle and sometimes the blogger site messes it up and that my access to the computer is not all the frequent right now. But when I get back to school (in a couple of weeks thankfully...) I'll update daily again. So what's been going on with me up here in the wonderful land of NH?...
I've been up here for a week and so far no ones gotten me so mad that I want to go and throw myself off of West Rock, although a few have perturbed me. My mother insistes that I must be a doctor and that I cannot switch my major from pre-med. She's basically peer pressuring me into med-school. I can't believe it, it's crazy that she wouldn't accept me as someone else. In fact, this is somewhat humorous to me, I always did have a good way of finding a way to laugh at really stupid situations... and speaking of humor..
We talked today, it was kinda weird, I sort of know why, and then again have no explanation at all why. I think I said hello about 15 times before it registered in my head to say something else. What has it been now, 2 months? That's a pretty long time. But after a while it felt normal again, well, as normal as it's gonna get for me right about now. I'm not sure what to feel, but as of now I really don't care (I'm lying) things come and happen and they go and happen. You ever just finally find a perfect balance in something and then something or someone comes along and just screws it up and makes you think again? Not even that it had thattt much impact on me, but a few thoughts sit in my mind now. But what is a week and a half or two weeks out of my life and then back to nothingness? That's why in a way I don't care, because in such a short time I go back to my life, my school, my people... this is such a short moment out of time. But now I'm thinking what I'm saying somehwhat doesn't make sense so... bottom line... I look at all of this pretty lightly now, whatever is whatever, otherwise known as shit happens, next issue...
I've stopped writing my book, well, actually haven't written since my laptop had to go back, but I intend to start up again soon. And maybe another book too, this one a bit more even based on me. But I don't want two projects done at once so I'm going to finish on the first one and then start on the next.
One last thing, I don't think I'm gonna see alot of people that I wanted to see while I'm up here. It wouldn't be a vacation home if I didn't see a few people and ran into a couple certain others, but that may be the way it goes. I miss them though. Funny how I'm already ready to go back. What did I say before about this place? One too many people with the capabilities to make me feel one too many emotions that I don't want right now. Love, hurt, happiness, humor, joy, pain, lonliness, unsuredness, anger, fear, confusion, confusion, and more damn confusion, the loss and regaining of trust (maybe)... and even more... all this in a a little over a week... I'm ready to go...
:: Stook _ 1:55 AM [+] ::
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Presenting the author...
Wow, I haven't written in a few days, but I felt I should update this. I've been very occupied this weekend writing my book. That's right, I've started to write a novel, well actually in the middle of. Since Friday night I have produced 40 double spaced (18 single) pages of my story. It's crazy that it's all come out so fast, but it's there. I'm amazed. I've had a couple people read it and they say it's good, so maybe it could have a shot out in the real world. My dream? To get this thing eventually published. To be a real author, would be so surreal to me.
I'm also laughing at the characters and how many references to my life there are already to my story. The main character is very much based on me in some ways, a 19 year old girl in college, while her best friend is a combination of my best friend and a couple other people. Mainly he was made from two individuals, but no one could ever guess. I'm so excited about it. I hope to be finished by mid-January and am already starting to think about plans to get it copyrighted and sent to publishing houses.
In other news, well, there is no other news, I have finals tomorrow, that's about it, so I'm going to end this a bit early so I can go study (cringes) Au revoir...
:: Stook _ 12:02 AM [+] ::
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Remember This...
So I decided to do my entry a bit earlier in the evening, rather than near the midnight hour like I normally do. All my thinking is directed in so many paths that I just need to list a few thoughts, get some things out...
First of all, I was thinking... I sure did shut my emotions down pretty fast didn't I? I'm sitting here trying to figure out just how I pulled that off, and I'm thinking should I have gone about it in that way. I mean what choice did I have, I had to get rid of feeling and I had to do it then and there, but so fast? I mean, I know me.. shouldn't I have been utterly miserable for just a few more days? That wasn't the case, by the time I got back to school, like two days later, I was ok, well, a bit more cynical and bitter, but no sadness. I spoke to him for a few minutes today, and for me it seemed a bit weird, not even sure why. I've separated people from one thing to another before, this should be no different right? It will be.. it will be...
Second plaguing thought of the moment... How good does it feel to have someone tell you they love you and know that they mean it? I'm not quite sure what's been going on, or what's going to happen, but I know that as of now I'm taking it for what it is... (sighs and screams "Round 3!!!!)
Third thought... and this may be a bit irrelevant but... just wanted to note that.. well.. got something should we say on my mind again. I feel like I'm in high school again. Why why why? (screams "Round 15!!!) I'm watching "A Charlie Brown Christmas" and I feel like how Sally felt for Linus. ("Sally: Isn't he the cutest thing?") Can I for once go through a year without noticing a thing?... But.. I might just pursue it when I get back down here. Wait pursue? I make these stupid plans with no validity in them at all... but off of that...
Another thought...I am going home next Wednesday.... I'm happy, and freaked out all at the same time. But let's be real, how much can happen in three weeks? So much it scares me. Can I just please go home, relax and be ok for a moment please? I know how things can get, people can get to me. I see a certain someone and my whole day is going to be great (puhhleasseee let me see them), I see another person and it will feel like hell. Well not maybe hell, but it might raise my blood pressure. Yet whatever may encounter me, I'm ready to go home for a while, haven't been there since August 22nd.
I think through all of these things, well minus the first problem, and maybe the second, but especially the third. Are just weird cycles that I have to go through. Actually, all it does it beings back memories of things, stupid things, great things, and of course being home. Of remembering what things were, of thinking how I'll remember things I see now and laugh later on. Of deciding if I should even want to remember, because honestly if I remember too much, there might be pain. But I just remembered to go and study for my finals... so this entry is finished...
:: Stook _ 8:33 PM [+] ::
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What's Better Than Trainable Brine Shrimp?
One last thing... remember sea monkeys? It's crazy to think someone has made so much money from marketing brine shrimp in a cup. I was thinking about investing in some. So what if the people that run my dorm said no pets of any type... I'm sure they'd have a good time trying to convince me that some brine shrimp bobbing in some water in what is basically a clear plastic cup is in violation of their little "pet code". One of the humorous things was they claim that they are trainable. I never knew brine shrimp even had that much of a mental capacity to be trained. I think it's easier to train snails than sea monkeys. I was browsing through their site Sea Monkeys and they have come up with some of the coolest products... now instead of just watching those cute lil' shrimp, you can make them race on racing tracks, and maybe even more sick, take them wherever you go in a pen, that's right, an actual working pen where the upper chamber is a water filled prison for those adorable sea creatures. And maybe one of the most indescribable products of all, a sea monkey watch. That's right, not only does it tell time, but it also carries your favorite friends along for the ride. Which also brings up a question, what happens when you put them in the watch and it is 90 degrees out? With the air temp and your body temp combined on that little chamber... wouldn't you basically boil your friends? (Mmmmm... always did love cooked shrimp, just not of the brine persuasion...) Does any of this count as animal cruelty? And the worst thing is the lil' tykes are guaranteed to live up to two years... That's two years in watch and pen prisons with your little human friend. If I were a sea monkey, I'd commit suicide and get eaten by a goldfish....
:: Stook _ 11:11 PM [+] ::
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I think I'm having another one of my famed identity crisis... Actually, I've discovered to accept my cynicism. After hiding it partially because I've been told cynics are just "downright pessimists who are negative", I found this site Icynic, and it was great, it gave me a new definition to cynicism and it made me feel like I was not horrible for all my comments I seem to produce everyday. I see now to just embrace my cynicism and be me. So I'm bit of a more realist than most people, how bad can that be? I actually feel that I'm quite optimistic. But I also recognize reality. So I was thinking I need more ways to get my cynical tendencies out, because what good is being a self-proclaimed cynic if you don't get anything out? I can't sit and make comments under my breath the rest of my life. No, I have to be spoken, and I think maybe a possible choice would be the school newspaper. Yes, I've seen so many things on this campus that deserve comment that I want a forum, I want people to hear me, I want to be recognized for my cynicism. Which leads me to the second part of my identity crises..
My major... my life.. do not get me wrong, I love medicine. I've wanted to be a doctor for so many years now. And in fact I still do. But I've discovered how much I love writing again, and how I wouldn't mind doing this for the rest of my life. But I don't want this whole writing re-discovery be a simple phase, and I give up being a doctor for something that I lose interest in a couple years, or maybe a couple of weeks from now. And even if I did change totally and become a writer.. what would I write? It's almost as if I have the decision between slicing people open and being a cynic with some paper and a pen. Which path do I choose?
:: Stook _ 10:50 PM [+] ::
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I was sitting here thinking about when I was little and I used to watch Nick at Night..after Nickelodeon would go off at night (I miss the old Nick.. don't you?) And one of the show's I remembered was "Alfred Hitchcock Presents.." It was one of those weird shows.. like "Twilight Zone " and "The Outer Limits".. But it was pretty cool, plus I remember it 'cause my mom always told me she loved that show and his movies ("The Birds is still one of my all time favorites) But before he started into his little show or scenario for the night, he always did a little monologue on what it would be about, or so I remember.. so I thought... why not apply the monologue to me.. (yes I'm bored..) so here goes..

*Speaking in her best imitation of Alfred Hitchcock's voice*.... "Goood Eeevening... tonight's story is one of humor, intrigue, suspense, and mystery, and maybe...just maybe.. some romance somewhere later on in the plot. It is the story of a girl stuck in an alternate universe, and who is trying to figure out just where she is. It is the story of the constant battle between the forces of reality and all things unreal... The story of unanswered questions.. such as why things are the way they are... why people lie.. why chemistry has to be so damn hard... and maybe the most perplexing question of all...which *NYSNC member really is the cutest. And as we become a voyeur into this girl's life for tonight, we may find ourselves finding out what her world is like, but most likely we will leave even more confused. Do not perceive her as unusual, but maybe understand her more as misunderstood, and that what you see on the inside is never the case on the inside. That if she had a choice.. things would be so much different... yes if she had control of the world.. everyone would be able to get a puppy, there would be a mandatory Dairy Queen on every corner, she would be married to... and you wouldn't have to go through 435 different unnecessary classes in college just to get to medical school... But she is stuck in our world.. so let's watch this girl.. in a story I have titled "The Identity Crisis..."

Why did I just write that? Boredom I think... I'm almost sure absolute dry boredom. So I'm going to go and direct my brain waves towards a more useful cause.. studying my chemistry (makes a gagging noise...).. Au revoir...
:: Stook _ 11:57 PM [+] ::
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I realize today is World AIDS day. Take the time out to sign this.... International AIDS Vaccine Initiative It's a global petition looking for 2 million signatures for a vaccine for AIDS.... And also Link and Think
:: Stook _ 8:57 PM [+] ::
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So what do I want... Ok people... not much went on today. Classes like the usual.. and then? Nothing. Oh yeah, I saw something today that was kinda weird. Someone signed on my list and it was like "huh" where did they come from. But I couldn't say anything, wanted to sooooo bad. Go fig on that one. If I weren't such a realist.. I'd be screaming "It's a sign!!!" right about now. But let's be real here, nothing but a quick moment and then back out of my life. But you know what I did.. I told the cow to moo for them.. just in case they decide to come back sometime in this century. Guess I gotta go and do things manually for myself. No computers this time, just me.
In other news, well... I'm confused. (Why when I finally get some clarity... confusion) Anyways, I'm thinking do I really want to get into things when I'm so free right now. I'm so damn free right now, and well, emotional attachment, not that I don't want it. It doesn't really scare me. Just I have some sort of feeling it might stifle something in me. I'm not even sure what it would stifle. Hell I'm not even sure what came back in me this past week to feel this way. Why do I feel so great now? Well not maybe great, I've still got some of my famed "anger".. but still... I feel pretty damn good. Hmm.. I just thought of something. I'm afraid of attaching myself emotionally to someone right now. WOW!!! I discovered my underlying psychological problem by myself!!!! It's not because I'm afraid of hurt. No, it's something else. But what? And than again, if I'm so afraid.. I know the emotion isn't 100% true.. cause there's one exception to that, I found that one exception earlier tonight. I don't know.. maybe I just don't feel like "feeling" right now. Maybe, but I keep getting these vibes from "Mr. Brain" the something's not right when it comes to this area. Like it keeps telling "Uh-uh.. no-no.. not right now, it's not good.." (Great how my brain is a separate entity right?) But what in the hell is not right, what's missing, or..? Maybe I'm overthinking this... maybe..
Ok, the thoughts can finally cease for the night. One last quick thing.. So many people ask me why in the hell would I keep an online journal... First off.. no deep private things that I feel will hurt my character or others in the story line are put in here. The deep down private stuff is kept totally anonymous, in another diary site. And good luck ever finding it, and then actually calculating that it is me.. If anyone ever figures it out, I'll pay 'em. Secondly.. so many people ask me what goes through my head, what are my thoughts. And if they honestly wanted to know. These are it, as random as they may seem, as off as they may appear. My writing is my most honest expression of me. I do not lie when I form words. So if anyone really wants to see me as I am, here it is.. Also I am working on developing my writing right now, so this is a great way to do it... And also I love to chronicle my life and experiences... Other than that..
Did I say that was gonna be quick? Typical of me... this is the end...
:: Stook _ 1:59 AM [+] ::
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"Moo went the cow..." Not much to say or observe tonight. Well... actually, I turned off the cow from mooing to me today. Kinda a little sad event. I mean it's been mooing since last year, almost like 8 months now. And I had to silence him for my sanity's sake. I mean the cow isn't necessary anymore. Maybe one day, when he isn't such a reminder to things, when hearing the moo doesn't make me think one thing and one thing only... I'll assign him to moo for someone else. Just that hearing the cow now can drive my nerves. Maybe.. one day...
I feel kind of more empowered now. My outlook on things are very very good. Not even basing them on the recent events. Just life in general. I'm not as much dreading to go home. I want to see people, people I haven't seen in so long, people I miss, people that I haven't and probably will never forget about. Maybe go home and look at everything from the point of view of being in NH. It's funny because now I wish I could do and say things that I never did before. But a little under a month is too little of a time. So I'll go up there.. do the normal, get sick of the place once more, and return to my life down here.
I'm wondering now why I'm so at peace with myself. Why I finally realized I belong here for a while, away from it all, by myself. I think I function as me down here. I have to be me to survive. And right now I'm so open to things, to people, to ideas, to developing who I am, to defining myself. I think I want someone to accessorize what I am, who I am. And that's what I realize I will find someday. I can't say that I don't like what I've become. The things that have defined me today have been from these past 3 years or so. And everything that hasn't killed me has only made me stronger. Stronger to just look at things, shrug it off and move on. If I could only express how proud of myself for overcoming certain fears I've had for so long. Fears you thought were going to hold you captive forever. But somehow they're gone. I know now I'm trying to get into the swing of everything again, and the people who know what I was feeling may think I bring it on myself... but it may take a little more time... but I've made it.
I'm not even sure how I got into saying all that. I coulda sworn I came on here with one motive and one motive only... to note I shut my cow up today.. next thing I know I'm elaborating on my road to self discovery... I really do ramble to much...
This is the end ("mooooooooooo") Farewell Mr. Cow...
:: Stook _ 2:34 AM [+] ::
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"Survey Says...." So... I'm feeling pretty good today. Surprisingly good. In a time when I thought I'd still be on the floor crying and such. I'm not.... go fig.. Actually I'm just a bit angry.. no sadness, no depression, just a bunch of cynical anger. I'm actually kinda proud of myself. Anyways, I got home last night, and was sitting on the bus and thought.. why not rate this lil' experience.. I mean just to humor myself.. so without further ado.. I present my first rating ever...
The way this will work is I will give each category a number.. 1 being the lowest... 10 being the highest.. and maybe add an additional comment to it..

"The shock index" Hmm.. not much of a shock, I suspected things for a bit, but still, the depth of the details in it all.. yeah they kinda got to me for a instant... I give this a 7
"The crying index" Yeah I cried.. and I'm not afraid to admit that (c'mon I still get misty when I watch "Aladdin" I'm a softy) But did I cry that much? No not really... the crocodile tears get a 5
"The revenge index" I'm the type of person who sometimes feels it's necessary to not just get mad... but get even.. and may involve being diabolical.. now I'm a fair person.. just not when I'm wronged.. but after this I do understand why some girls throw bricks through guys' car windows.. even though I would never do that.. I must admit I did get the urge.. but maybe that was an accessory to my anger... and I must remind people I am pretty talented in getting things posted on the internet... so your name could be flashing as a lying asshole if I really wanted it up there.... revenge gets a 8 and speaking of anger....
"The anger index" Oh yeah, I'm angry. I'm mad, I'm pissed off... and it's cool.. I'm channeling my hurt to a much more useful emotion instead of just crying.. And it's called being evil... I noticed today I made a comment on setting any mistletoe I see during Christmas on fire... yep.. I'm just a tad borderline.. give me a week or so though... I should be normal again.. but anger gets a high one of 9
"The 'I never want to speak to another guy ever again 'cause they're all evil jerks' index" Surprisingly very, very low... in fact.. I'm very open and ready to get the right person right now.. the psychological damging gets a 2
"The 'So what I'll get over his stupid ass' index" Another testament to my quick recovery, I'm currently shopping around for my next victim... (hehehe).. the replacement theory gets a 7.5
"The 'I never want to speak to him ever again' index" Surprisingly my decision after a couple of days was it could go to friend status, after I calmed down... but that doesn't mean anything but that.. friend... so 4
"The hurt index" A very, very big category... this one really did affect me.. I mean I was lied to for X amount of months and I'm sad to say without much words.. it gets a 10
"The 'Was he really worth all of this?' index" Hmmm a very very hard to decide one. I mean the times before everything started.. the summer.. it was pretty cool.. I was actually happy.. but no one is ever worth making you cry, and then again when you find out that half the time have been lies... very very hard... but based on just the good times... and what I felt... and not based on the pain...the worthy scale gets a good "worth it"..7.5/ bad "worth it"....3
And finally....
The overall rating This is based on just everything.. how it has affected my line of thought, how much emotion it made me feel.. good or bad.. how it will affect my future dealings with anyone... Well first off.. I'll be more inclined to the trust thing and the honesty thing, and just every other thing on the list that went wrong here... I cannot say anything else but to give it the highest rating... it was a life lesson.. just that it's made me stronger and more determined.. and I will not let some trifling guy bring me down to the ground just because he felt he had to lie to me.... the "what the hell has been going on all this time" rating gets a 10

Conclusion... umm I'm bored obviously.. but no, the lesson learned for me is... emotions are a very very strong thing and the last thing that you want to play with in a person. It's something that can build them up, and can also bring them crashing back down. And before you decide to let that person build, make sure you are honest in letting them do so, that you are building too, and for only that person. Otherwise when they do find out the truth, things crash and burn, things fall, and that's when you are broken. So I guess the second part in all of this is honesty, because if you have the least bit of emotion for the other person, you would care for them enough to spare them from building up and crashing down. But the metaphor I was trying to create is getting kinda off-hand so...
It's been a week since I learned the truth.. and my posts are now going to mostly revert back to my normal things. I'm not gonna say totally gone, but for the most part.. I have no more to say everyday on this. Maybe a comment here and there.. but not whole entries. That's why I did the rating today.. kind of a closing out segment.. I'm through, it's through. There's no need to dwell on it like that anymore in here.
I'm finally finished for the day... au revoir..
:: Stook _ 11:43 PM [+] ::
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The End...... "I'll never be the same again... I guess you'll never understand.. the shit you put me through..."

So this is the end.. well I mean I finally found out the final truth to everything. And well, what can I say? It's over and done. I was lied to..supposedly because they didn't want to cause me pain.. but in the end there was more pain than anything. It would have been better to have been let go in the beginning than to live under such an illusion and all these lies. I sat outside last night, did my bad habit, and just cried a bit. It's not that I'm trying to understand anything, I understand everything fully and completely. Just the pain of knowing all this shit went on, all this happened, that he lied to me. But I'll get better. The thing that makes me better is the fact that ok.. this happened, but that just means that he was not the one. And that somewhere out there is my fate, my destiny, is out there and they will come some day. And I will know unconditional love. The only thing that fully comforts me is the fact that I know he is out somewhere for me. . and someday.... as sappy and stupid as it may seem, he's going to come along... So I lost something special to me last night, and yes my heart hurts, but it just makes it that the right one will come along. It's just someone has his heart.. I cannot have it. It's not meant for me, so someone else must be....
I'm kinda ify on coming home in a couple of days. I mean ok, I'll get to see a few people and all, but after that, I just want to leave. I belong down here for a while now. I know myself best here, it's where I am, what I do. Home is cool for a visit, but to stay, too many people that can make me feel too many different things.I swear everyone up there now there in my life has the power to make me feel some sort of crazy emotion... family or friends... be it good or bad.. I need to be neutral right now...
I'm regretting letting go who I did a couple of weeks ago. I'm sitting here realizing what I did may have been so wrong.. so so wrong. That what I really needed, I let go in my blindness, in me being blinded. And now I know it's a bit too late. It kinda makes me upset. I've been thinking, what the hell have I done? I mean I can't reverse it now... so what the hell... Time to actually care and look cute when I go to class (*cringes* am I serious? am I reverting from my poilicy?)
In another sense I was thinking of doing some certain measures for me these next two weeks. Drastic as they may seem, and making sure I do it the right way. If I do this wrong it will backfire and come back to me. But done right, performed right.. they might just work. I'm afraid to even get into this, but I need to try, I need to see if this can work. Only positive can come from me, no negative...

In the end.... in the end? In the end I'm going to be ok. I may look a bit off a few more times maybe this next coming week.. but after that? No.. I realize what's done is done. I'm ready to do what I gotta do. My letting go process started last night, I let go last night. So many people have come and go.. and one will come one day. I was sitting around a bit ago, and I just started laughing and crying at the same time, laughing at the stupidness of all of this, crying at the stupidness of all of this. Crying realizing I'm letting go, and I'll be ok.....

I'll be ok....It's gonna be ok....
:: Stook _ 11:50 PM [+] ::
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Well... after a long day of rescheduled bus escapades and evil taxi drivers.. I'm finally in Atlanta. Ready to spend my turkey day and whatever else goes down. Actually I'm glad I got out of my dorm and my room for a while, I won't be stuck in there and give myself time to mull over things more and more. At least down here I can keep myself a bit occupied, and I stress a bit. And of course it didn't stop me from thinking alot on the bus ride down here. And my decision? Still have no clue what-so-ever... But hey.. good news.. I didn't cry today. So maybe I'm feeling better than what was yesterday and the day before. I keep thinking how much I hate this, how much I hate what it is now, I hate thinking about the day I met him, I hate the way the communication basically went down to a nil and it felt like I was forgotten, I hate the fact that he's so far, I hate the fact that every time I had due reason to flip on him he had another stupid counter-reason which in reality I wonder now if I should have believed, I hate the fact that I had to find out what I did the other day, I hate the fact that I got so much run-around, and the worst thing is I can't fully hate him... just his stupid actions. Is that even right. For as much as I can feel right now, hate is what I can feel at every other thing that's went on but him, he deserves a whole different emotion, something that I can't quite figure out yet... but onto other irrelevant news..
I am progressing into the middle stages of my cold, so I now have a stuffy nose and an equally congested voice to go along with everything else. So along with my mild pertubed state there is also now the fact that I am sick. But thankfully I have such a great immune system and it is a very very mild case.. well.. was a mild case until my nose became so stuffed and couldn't breathe, and it made my eyes water and tears fall down my face (hmm... so maybe I have cried today.... But other than my health status...
I'm devastatingly tired.. so I think I'll put myself to sleep in now.. happy turkey day....
:: Stook _ 3:29 AM [+] ::
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I've been banished to the library out of my own room (I live alone.. yes.. alone.. for inquiring minds...) for reasons I will not even get into. Anyways I'm supposed to be doing my work, but instead can't concentrate much, so I'll wait till I get back to the sanctity of my own room to complete my assignments. After all of yesterday's events, my concentration level has kinda dropped off it's already low level, and I think in order to get myself back in my right state of mind I'm going to need to do a successive series of mind balancing exercises... tell you what those are when I find them... maybe eating some hot wings.. not quite sure yet..
And speaking of yesterday's events, well I'm pleased to announce I've had another night of fitful sleep... I heard from my best friend that I was talking in my sleep all night (something like "It's not true".."It's not true") Which may make sense since the person seemed to have a guest starring role in all of my dreams.. which came plentiful last night. And I think I was screaming something at him like "is it true?" in one of them or something along those lines which could have equivocated to my own version of 20 questions, "you hurt me" edition... I think in one scene I was ready to just punch him (which would have suited me just fine, in reality and in fantasy).. I think it was he was trying to touch me... which forced me to flip out on him and say every swear known to man and would have granted me an instant ticket to hell... I kept asking him "how?" and "why?" would he lie to me... In another scene I actually had kinda forgiven him and it was ok, he had his arms around me and I was happy, or I think I was happy... it was as if none of this had ever happened, as if I wasn't the "accessory pawn"... Then I woke up this morning, (I'm in the beginning stages of a cold, to top this all off) and I realized what the hell had been going on through my mind last night. Forced myself to get up and go and eat in the caffe (like that crap they call food was going to make me feel better) and just get some fresh air. If I've ever been so confused on something in my life... I'm not even going to go into details or even try to formulate in words the things I'm thinking right now, the decisions my mind is telling me to make, the decisions everyone else is telling me to make. And I do have to eventually make a decision, just what it will be... when I start to think of some of the ones I could make, it makes me want to cry, I have cried. Since yesterday afternoon I've been in this semi-catatonic state. This has consumed 90% of my thoughts today. But what is right? Who has the right answer? I know in the end only I can make that decision. I know what I have to do, I was told what I have to do.... and I am having the hardest time coming to terms with that decision. And that is the thing that makes me cry the most, pains me so much, because either way I choose, whatever path I take, I have an equal chance of losing. You have someone who you want to be with but at the same time know has the ability to hurt you so much (and they claim they haven't hurt me and it will be ok.. do you see my crying? am I ok?) , and the final decision to make is whether you would want to continue and risk that hurt, or let it go and hurt still. I need answers... I think I'm going to call Ms. Cleo tonight, she probably has more answers than me at this point.
One last point to make, (and probably only I will understand fully this paragraph) I've been contemplating on finally going home and taking action on something that I should have done.... say.... umm a year and some change ago... With my little "falling out" and "what the hell is going happen now" scenario that's been going on since yesterday.. I've been thinking, why not go and try? I've got it now, I can get that. Oui? But I mean I'm going have to postpone my little project until the summer. I would have done it this past summer but, certain things I thought were good for me got my mind off the matter that should have been at hand. The result? Read these past two passages and do the math... Anways this December will be wayyy too short to pull of what I'm going to have to do... which reminds me.. how do I even start to go about this anyway? But off that irrelevant paragraph...
Oh my.. almost time for me to leave the library, going to Atlanta for Thanksgiving tomorrow. Maybe relaxing and getting away from here for a while will allow me to think and sort this whole mess out. I need it. I also have to eventually make my decision.. and I'm dreading whatever I make anyways... whatever I say or do... I just want it to be the least painfull, but I have a feeling that may not be the case. I haven't even heard the truth yet... What was that song by Mary... "I cannot lose the love I never had"...? Does that title refer to me? I feel like even after I told him I couldn't swim... I've been thrown into a pool and he's leaving me here to drown... he may be succeeding....
Long entry.. sorry... later...
:: Stook _ 10:32 PM [+] ::
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Why?I'm not even sure why I would go ahead and write this at the point when I am so overly emotional. But maybe that'll capture the most feeling (well in word form) of what is sitting inside of me. First off, I want to pre-apologize for anything that does not sound rational or is cryptic, or anything to that sort. Actually, what I just went to was irrational, so hell, lets make an entry to match. But now that I've said my usual disclaimer....
First off, I want to ask how in the world could someone so blatantly just go ahead and hurt me, lie to me, and then pretend like it was something else, even after I have written proof. And it feels like I can't even choose what emotion to feel right now, should I be catastrophically angry, cry my eyes out, what am I supposed to do? Why am I still so damn confused? How could that whole thing just be left at that? Could we have finished the conversation? How could you lie to me after I looked at you and told you I would rather know than be lied to? What do you think you were protecting? Definitely not me because I feel as if someone has taken all of my emotion and just threw it away. The more I think the more I hurt. And now I'm mad at myself for the the day I wrote that stupid thing back. I'm mad at myself going downtown that day. I'm mad for letting myself believe, no, not letting myself believe, just not letting my mind tell my heart to shut the fuck up and tell me that something has not been right these past months. Everyone tells me think with your heart, do what you think is right, I did and believed those stupid words they said and now I'm sitting here ready to bawl my eyes out. I'm not supposed to cry, they're not supposed to make me cry. Instead I feel like I've been some accessory pawn to someone for since god knows only when. And thank god I didn't let... (oh god I'd be out of it sobbing now) happen...
So what am I supposed to do now... I don't know. I never finished getting all I needed to say out and... hell it might be postponed until 9 days from now... I need to finish this off. Get my answers and then... then? I'm not sure what I'm doing a half hour from now. My thanksgiving is gonna be.... well.... I'm gonna have a few things on my mind.... and all I want to ask now is why? Why would you do something like this to me if you cared for me so much, if it was what you said, why would I feel like I want to just lay down and cry my heart out?
:: Stook _ 7:53 PM [+] ::
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So what went on today in my wonderful world of monotony? Same old, same old. Got up late, and was hungry as anything. Finally decided with my best friend that we wanted to go downtown to our favorite restaurant to eat. So we did that and had a great dinner, as always. Also got ignored not once but twice today. I don't even get that upset over it anymore (I'm lying), just slightly annoyed. Well, actually I'll admit it does hurt me sometimes. So add that to add to the confusion that I have already, and all the things I'm so vainly trying to figure out. But anyways, I feel like a speck of dust in the wind again, but life goes on... So I went outside and got held hostage in a maxima for a hour or so, what the final point of that whole conversation was I have no idea.
Basically the main point of this entry is that there is no point. My day was just blehhhh.... a boring Sunday with nothing to do... and actually I'm still a bit annoyed at being ignored so my writing capacity is greatly incapacitated right now, because what I really want to write right now is a letter cussing someone out and telling them to never ever speak to me again, maybe then my confusion would go away. But I'm restraining myself as usual because I know as soon as my stupid self tells them never again I look and think well that's not the case, and thus the whole cycle of this and that and being ignored and the cussing out and the explanation of why I was being ignored occurs over and over again. And for this being the umpteenth time on this cycle, it's starting to annoy the hell outta me more and more and more.
Geez this entry is stupid, I make no sense, I'm too aggravated, I'm going to call someone who will actually listen to me and not just make me seem invisible. Later alligator...
:: Stook _ 1:16 AM [+] ::
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I need love... and a bunch of hugs, and kisses, and to cuddle with someone.... I need to go homeeeee....
:: Stook _ 2:26 AM [+] ::
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So what should be today's topic? Hmmm.... think today I'll talk about appearances. No reason exactly, just been thinking about some things about that tonight. Well, it all started when I was looking through my old high school yearbook and my photo album. My picture album is mostly cool, a few scary pics of me. But it's the yearbook that gets the most reaction out of me. Basically, I looked a mess in high school, well not a total mess.... correction... I needed help, the pictures make me cringe and it just reminds me that that image is going to be the visual representation of me to certain people forever (not that I really care though, just a thought) Then I thought about last year, what finally drove me to change myself and the way I look. And exactly what order did it come in? I think it was my hair first, think.. then came the weight loss, well.. no the weight loss was a thing that happened the whole first semester. Then maybe came the clothes, yes I think the whole consideration of wardrobe came near the middle or end. But the point is somewhere at some point in some order like that I became something that finally did not look like those stupid pictures in that stupid yearbook. Anyways, the appearances thing, it was weird, cause guys started actually saying hi to me, and a whole bunch of other stupid stuff that I used to wish so much for and now really wish people would stop staring at me, people beeping at me, and the crackheads chasing me (true at home) and the old guys on the bus, and the guys at the club who feel they need to grab me (did I tell you to touch that?), and if one more guy down here calls me "red"... And actually I noticed my attention level on this campus is pretty low, but that's because I'm not out and seen like that here, plus I wear my glasses cause I honestly don't care if people see me in them, I'm not here to impress any one of them, and the only one I care of who thinks how I look is no where near here. But off campus, these mexicans in a truck were yelling at me downtown once, and if I could list it all, we'd be here all night. But the point is I just sit there and laugh because if it had been me in high school, I wouldn't have heard a word... from anyone. Forget my personality....
And speaking of personality, I was contemplating taking my pictures of me off my page on BP the other day. I mean if I get one more "damn ur sexy as hell" or "can we get nasty" or any notes that basically imply that they just wanna do me when I come home.... forget it.. The only notes now a days that get my response are ones that have actually conversation to them, ones that comment on my poetry, or my school and my major, or my ideals, and even they sometimes have ulterior motives. Other than that, I don't bother anymore, I get so many in a day... it's a hassle to answer them all back sometimes. It was pointed out to me a couple of weeks ago by someone I know that the pics should be replaced, they're from last year and that I look a bit different. My answer to that now is why? I'm not using that page as a dating service, never was. I have to admit I got so much more from BP than I bargained for, I found love and a friend off of that stupid page, not that I regret it, but who knew? If someone would have told me answering one of those notes last year would have resulted in what it did, I would have looked at them and laughed (actually this is getting on a whole different topic). But as I was saying, this pictures can go, the only reason I keep them now is because I'm trying to direct traffic to my new site. I'm nearing 5000 hits on the BP page, it can do a semi-retirement. Other than that, what do I need them for? Dating? Love? Unexpectedly been there and done that without even asking for it.
I think amidst all this rambling and off topic examples and just being plain off topic the point I'm trying to make is.. what am I now? The personality I've had has remained the same, the only things that have changed in me have been for improvement. Yet if I didn't look the way I do now half the people in this world wouldn't give a damn about my personality, my ideals, my writings, who I am. In fact they might not even notice me. And sometimes I hate that all that people see is how I look, (i.e. 3/4 the people on BP). And it's not like I don't appreciate the attention, cause I'd rather have it than not I won't lie. But if it was the old me, things would be different. In fact some of you might not be even reading this right now if it weren't for my pic on the BP site and you clicked through to here... Think about it...

(Wanted to put another disclaimer on here if that made no sense. I kinda just started typing and kept going.... It's a habit...)
:: Stook _ 11:55 PM [+] ::
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I absolutely hate being ignored... it makes me so mad...
:: Stook _ 1:50 AM [+] ::
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So what went on in my world today?... Well... I'd love to tell you that today my chemistry teacher announced to the class that I was the sole receiver of an "A" in his class so far, my pre-cal teacher was so shockingly surprised that I had solved one of the most difficult problems in the course... I met the man of my dreams today, who is absolutely in love with me, dotes on my every movement, cannot stand to be away from me, actually calls me to let me know how much he cares, understands me in most ways (why I keep this blog for instance), and is so devastatingly handsome that if you look at him you feel like you could just melt and vaporize in his arms. And for dinner, I was served with some of my favorites, a top choice cut steak cooked to my consistency, some of the best hot wings in the city that you can find, and a superb correctly cooked lobster grown from the coast of Maine, a born-New Englander's favorite (of course mine since I was child...but the cost of lobster down here is crazy), all topped off with my favorite drink, a huge 2 liter of Sprite (really I'm addicted to the stuff..) And I spent the evening surrounded with friends and being in good company...
And then I woke up to reality.... I was served with a quiz today in chemistry and felt like crying... again. In pre-cal I'm still trying to figure out why someone would want to do all that math just to figure out what size of fence they want to build. (I mean c'mon hire someone.. in the real world most of us don't have time for all that rectangular/length times width stuff anyway)... The man of my dreams... hahaha.. no one called me for any purpose like that. No one even looked at me twice on campus today, and I haven't met any that devastatingly handsome men that have fallen hopelessly in love with me (or if I did they haven't told me... *glances around*). In fact, I spent my night alone studying my stupid french.. Je ne sais pas (I don't know why) I deal sometimes. And dinner, no steak, no lobster, no hot wings.... just some mass produced fried chicken by the cafeteria with some weird consistency mac and cheese and no sprite, they had run out of it. And friends? Nope, just me myself and I keeping myself company with.. like I said.. mon francais (my french). Although I stopped that to type this because it was giving me a headache. But... that was my lovely day.
Don't get my wrong, not trying to be a bitter, lonely person who wants to hurl a rotten tomato at the next couple she sees hugging. But some days that gets on my nerves and I have no idea why... just wanted to make that observation. Like today, didn't bother me, yesterday my thoughts "If only I had a flame thrower" And I see I'm going into something totally irrelevant to the main story (see why I named my blog what I did?) So..
I'm done for now... I have an 8 tomorrow with a pretty lengthy chem lab that I absolutely despise (Guess becoming a mad scientist is outta the career pool for me.. I can't even tolerate chemistry) I need to go to bed a bit earlier... so this is being ended now.. later...
One more quick, irrelevant to anyone else, observation... I never hear the cow moo anymore, it's been since like Sunday night, what the hell is up with that?
:: Stook _ 12:08 AM [+] ::
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Ever been so confused on something.. and all you want... no.. all you need is an answer to stop the confusion. But you never, ever get the real answer, just little clues. And you deal with the nothingness, until one day you feel like you can not take confusion anymore, and you just want answers, you just want it to all end and for all the crypticness (is that even a word?) in everything you hear to stop. (Speaking of... sorry for this entry being so cryptic... just needed some words out...) You know where you can go to get the answers, but you don't know where even to begin, how to phrase it. In fact, the answers you get can never be perceived as real because they are never tangible to the mind in a sense, just words flashing on a screen, not even something with emotion like a voice, just generated syllables with not a hint of realness at times. But I take my dose of un-reality, my dose of syllables and non-meanings on a screen....on an average of only once a week when in reality I need it so much more and I need not to be this way. If it weren't this way, maybe I wouldn't be so confused, and want to beg and beg and get angrier and angrier for wanting answers.
But my main point, my un-reality, my lack of answers, is really starting to get to me. Although not afraid, I bother not to seek it because the results will never be anything but those same meaningless words that brought me to this point in the first place. Why am I feeling like this at this point? Is is the recognition of a time-point which signifies just how long I've been dealing with this? Or is it looking at others, so blissfully happy with their answers and their reality and their words which are so tangible to the mind while I struggle with what is always a nothingness. I'm mad at myself for not seeking my answers and making me suffer such confusion, but also so proud that I have went so long without my reality, even though it kills me at times, it shows I can care just as less also. (even though I care so much more) So what do I do? Do I continue with the maddening silence and wait for some sort of reality to finally return to me after so long? Or do I break my confusion and find something else in this world that gives me my answers so rapidly my head spins and makes me so blissfully happy like the rest of the populace in my world? And the sad truth is, I already know my answer, silence wins, randomness wins, nothingness wins, my lack of reality wins.... those stupid syllables which make up those stupid words which can mean so little when there's no humanness in it wins. Because in reality, when I get my little once a week word session... it still can make me so happy... *sigh*... damn syllables....

And I just wanted to say that if that if that made no sense to you... don't worry.. 99.5% of the world may not get it... I may not get it later on... but if you did, leave me a comment or email me... I'd be surprised if someone can relate...
:: Stook _ 10:14 PM [+] ::
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Today was as uneventful as any other day. Actually, sleep came so uneasily it was very unlike me. My mind's been stuck on one issue for a bit now (I could lie and say it was a few issues... but it's not) So I actually passed up my chem class and got up an hour late. Turn on the TV while getting dressed, and even before the TV comes into focus I hear the words "Planes grounded" and "FAA" and that sort of solemnness you can hear in a newscaster's voice and I immediately felt some sort of pang in my heart knowing something else was going on...
Will I ever fly again? I guess so. I actually am already booked to fly in Dec to go home (gotta go home...) But after that, I'm not quite sure. I was always the one to reassure people that crashes were random and so rare that you had a 10 times greater chance of dying in car crash than the plane so why stay out of the skies? But even now I'm a bit hesitant. Just reminds you to be grateful for life and the people who love you. But I always say there is no greater experience than being higher than the clouds...
In other news... Missing people so much right now it's really getting to me in these past couple of days. One person in particular, but such is life. Or as I say "C'est l'amour" You're there, I'm here, you're busy.. blah blah blah blah and so forth...and it's not we even talk like that (I sill question why every single day though) I'm normally not like this and so partial to the situation. Hey I'll have been dealing with it for 3 months in about a week or so... But sometimes I crave attention, and wish I could get some words and some time here and there...and I don't get it like that so...
Wrote a new poem today, well... actually started writing it when I couldn't sleep last night and finished it today in my French class.. was thattt bored. But it turned out pretty well. Communicated my stresses and pangs of heartache as usual.. maybe I'll post it on my poetry page...
And tonight went out to dinner with my best friend who's up here for a week or so, always good to just sit around and have a chat, complain and talk and trade ideas on life and guys who we love and who drive us crazy, and love and all the other things that might consume our lives. Funny cause we still haven't come up with a good answer to my situation (sigh). I'm beginning to think there never will be a solution... and if that's the case I'd love some notification now.
Bought a new remote last night to try and get my TV to work, now you can only watch ABC, guess I'll be TGIF'ing (does that even come on anymore?) till the end of the semester... God do I miss DirecTV...
:: Stook _ 10:56 PM [+] ::
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I actually wrote this on 11/11/01.. but seeing as this the first day with my blogger.. needed to put it somewhere..
I knew putting together a site like this could be a bit frustrating.. but never as crazy as this. Which actually reminds me why I would never ever choose a career in computers in the first place. All it takes is one little innocent letter to mess up in a abyss of others, and there you have it, total chaos on the page. It took me an hour to figure out why in the world my pages from here would not link to the others I had created. Why because one tiny "l" was present in the .html filename on my link, as it was not supposed to be.... yes, god bless people who deal with this for a living.. in other news...
I still am not that infatuated with chemistry, really. I took a test on Friday and it was not that pleasant. Next thing you know my prof will be asking me to turn lead into gold. And I made my schedule for next semester on Friday, I'll have 17 credit hours, quite a few but, if I need it I need it. I got the 2nd half of chem, botany again with Dr. Fail (real name *cringes*) and the second half of pre-cal... all will need me to actually work on them. The other half, my latin 2 and french 2, will be totally easier. Mon francais, although a but rusty, can hold up, I've been doing it since 8th grade so... Other than that I'm ready for my Christmas vacation.. one more month to go...
:: Stook _ 9:43 PM [+] ::
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