okay i'm a disgustingly nice catholic girl. at the same time, i'm independent as hell. i think i'm honestly the only girl out there who doesn't need a boyfriend to survive but would welcome one if she could find a guy nice enough to date. i get a lot of guys knocking on my door wanting to be my boyfriend. if i could find a guy w/ no ulterior motives, i would TOTALLY have sex w/ him constantly and be all about the baking cookies and nice cuban dinner and backrubs and all that shit.
sometimes "nice guys" truly aren't so nice. sometimes nice guys are selfish. either they want to hear things from me that i'm not ready to say, or they totally want to be pissy assholes when i don't give them what they want (i.e. phonecalls, sex, -whatever-.).
i really don't want a guy -expecting- shit out of me. i mean, you're not going to be happy w/ yourself if you go expecting reciprocation from people.
no emotions are reciprocal. NONE. if i hit you, are you supposed to hit me back? if i pay for your dinner, are you obligated to pay for mine the next time we go out? if you buy me a lot of shit and do a lot of things, am i ever obligated to have sex w/ you? no. no. no. no. no.
if i call a guy and bake him cookies or have sex w/ him, it's b/c i
love him. not b/c i feel obligated to so i can suck money out of him. that's just bullshit and living like that will eat up your soul. hookin up w/ girls w/ hopes of getting laid or getting attn will eat up your soul. hookin' up w/ guys so i can get presents and attn would eat up MY SOUL. see, this is an interesting task for me, this whole letter, b/c i'm feeling like i'm writing to all the "nice" guys i turned down. =)
lack of self-confidence and self-esteem truly does lead to selfishness.
i mean, take a step back and look at every guy out there who brags on himself or belittles himself. they're all big cries for attn. the guy who brags is compensating for something else missing and the guy who belittles himself is simply outwardly acknowledging that something is missing. this goes along w/ my theory that 90% of ppl in relationships do not NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP!
you REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY need to stop thinking of love and everything else until you get yer self-esteem and everything worked out. i can't stress this enough. love will forever be something that bothers the shit out of you and you'll always be stressed out over it unless you get your damned self-esteem and self-confidence up.
seriously.
and once you do that, yes, you could rake in lots of girls if you wanted them. i have a feeling you have a heart down there, though, b/c you -are- a nice guy. if you don't have the heart to mindlessly have sex w/ a girl (b/c you know the repercussions of that) then you probably are a nice guy.
i don't know how to tell you to do get your self-esteem up b/c it's just something that happens. well, stop thinking about love so much and licking your wounds. you are obviously licking your wounds or you wouldn't have the nice-guy page up. if a girl dumps you, SUCK IT UP. don't dwell on it. it's not a blow against you, for real. it's not that girls don't like nice guys. if she can't appreciate your niceness then she's not the one for you, eh? she probably has issues of her own.
maybe there are some good self-help books out there. don't be too proud to buy one b/c if it helps you it was worth it. remember, amazon.com will ship oodles of things to you.
=)
(on the flip side, don't let that book sit out on your coffee table when you have a chick over.)
maybe you should find out some stuff about codependency, too. the
thing is that no one -needs- someone to feel whole. you're whole already. duh.
here are some things that i have read that seemed entirely true to me. look for these things in yourself and in what you would like in a partner.
i found this on a message board somewhere and it was entirely true and why i turned down a lot of so called "nice" guys, b/c i saw this in them.... some chick copied this out of her book by the dalai lama.
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Sexual desire, by definition, wants something: the satisfaction of desire by the possesion of the other. To a large extent this is a mental projection, provoked by a certain emotion: we imagine the other in our possesion.At the moment of desire everything seems agreeable and desirable. One sees no obstacle to it, no reason for restraint. The object desired seems to have no defects, to be worthy of all praise. But then everything changes with possesion. Once the desire disappears, whether it considers itself satisfied, or time
passes and weakens it, we no longer look at the other in the same way.
Some people admit they are stunned by this. Each one discovers the true nature of the other. That is why there are so many broken marriages, quarrels, lawsuits, and so much hatred.
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so that's what the dalai lama has to say about sex and love and whatnot. keep that in mind.
another thing to read, and i'm not sure what your religion is, but corinthians 13:4-8 says oodles of things about love. that's that little line about love is patient, love is kind, bla bla bla. really, that's so true.
eric fromm, one of the better psychologists in history, said, "immature love says, 'i love you because i need you.' and mature love says, 'i need you b/c i love you.'"
hope this helps. feel free to write back if ou have any more
questions. =)
xoxo
maria. =)