begun our Holy Scriptures. You better read them--it's for your own good. Let us begin with
The Beer Prayer:
Our Lager,
Which art in Barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk,
We will be drunk,
At home as in the Tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not into incarceration,
But deliver us from Hangovers.
For thine is the beer, The bitter, and the Lager, and the Stout.
Forever and ever,
Amen.
Thus begins the Holy Scriptures.
Chapter One: The Inebriation scale. One must learn this staggering down the spiritual path.
0-Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.
1-Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.
2-Beer warming up head. Bar food is ordered. Cocktail waitress complimented on choice of blouse.
Barmen complimented on nice trousers.
3-Crossword puzzle in newspaper is filled in. After a while blanks are filled in with random numbers
and letters.
4-Cocktail waitress complimented on choice of bra. Barmen complimented on his boxers. Partiallly
visible when bending to get dropped cigarette. Try to instigate conversation about bras. Order
more crappy bar food.
5-Have brilliant discussion with a guy at the bar. Devise fool-proof plan to win the lottery, sort out
baseball/basketball/football problems. Agree that everyone is the same the world over--except
for the French.
6-Feel like a Demi-God. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you.
Call parents and tell them you love them. Call girlfriend/boyfriend and tell them you still love
them and that they still have an amazing ass.
7-Send drinks over to woman/man sitting at the table with boyfriend/girlfriend. No reaction. Scribble out
message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them across the room. Boyfriend/girlfriend gets pissed
off. Buy him or her a Long Island Iced Tea.
8-Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go around
the bar hugging everyone. Fall over. Get up.
9-Headache kicks in. Beer tastes like shit. Send it back and order another. Say: "That's much
better!". Fight nausea by trying to play video game for ten minutes before realizing it's out of
order.
10-Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all patrons. Talked down by patron's
wives, who you offer to give a a baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on corner
of table. Fail to notice the oozing head wound.
11-Speech no longer possible except for the most devout. Eventually manage to find door. Sit
and take stock of surroundings. Realize someone put you up on the roof of the bar. Damn!
Puke and pass out.
12-Finally had enough so someone puts you in a taxi and gives driver your home address.
You realize you've been given the bum's rush in that you are now out in the middle of a cow
pasture. Well, you're happy the way the evening has gone. Pass out again.
These holy scriptures were found in the cave of no return. Next are excerpts from the Book of
Cheap Sunglasses. Amen.
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According to the Prophet Ernest Hemingway: "Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk--
that'll teach you to keep your mouth shut!"
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According to Our Prophet, the above is the beginner's scale--usually taken by those just
beginning their drunken journey down the spiritual path. He's usually good for 18 or 19
rounds, sometimes even more if the day is going right. Praise be Our Prophet.
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Yea though I walk through the valley of the hair-cut, I shall fear nothing. For I am drunk. Praise be the
prophets. As it is written in the Sacred Scripts: For those who have me cut my locks, and test me for
illlicit substances, I shall turn the other butt cheek. I hope to give a clean sample, and yea be hired.
Noe for some gospel from the Rat Pack:
Chapter one, verse two:
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on
--Dean Martin
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Now, as it is written, there is a question: What is a Fart?
Well, the monks of the Church of the 40 ounce torpedo will answer this question.
Farts are mainly composed of five gases, yea! Nitrogen, Hydrogen, Carbon Dioxide, Methane, and
oxygen. Now, you may be wondering: but what makes it explode when I light my farts like our
super-hero, Fartman.
Well, we have the answer. Basicallly, if you eat lots of meat, that stuuf ferments in yer guts.
That's gonna be one hell of a gasser when you light off.
Now, If you eat lots of veggies, it'll be smooth, yet stinky like a cheap Mexican restaurant.
If yer a noisy farter, you gotta loosen up--yer sphincter is too tight. Maybe you're up-tight!
Let 'em off nice and slow, yer mellow. But they still stink if yer into meat. Also garlic.
So that's it for now 'cause I'm wasted. More on the Holy gas later.
Cinco de Mayo, or as some know it: Drinko de Mayo. Ok. That said, on to some of the greatest
prophecies ever written.
A Wise Man said that an Holy band, ZZ Top wrote and sang of this. For yea, they did. And very good
advice was contained in their song. So here are some writings from Our Prophet.
1) Don't buy cheap sungalsses unless you absolutely must. For yea, although they cut they blinding
daylight, they aren't worth a crap in the long run. In the end, your headache will only be greater as
will your sorrow. For as you wander shakily through the mini-mart looking for a deal on the cheap
eye-wear, beware! The prices are high, and so is the price you shall pay later! It is written that one
poor soul did indeed get lost on The Path wearing such eyeware. He actually became a
district attorney after his long affection with the cheap shades. This can only mean one thing:
Cheap sunglasses will lead down the dark path! So beware! Know where your good solar eye
protection is at all times, and do not stray. You will be thankful in the the end.
There will be more from Our Prophet later on this subject.
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Now for the Hotmail Junkmail Prophecies:
And Yea, so it is written from the Holy Junk Mail Folder 4:30:03
"Tastes great! More filling!" Which is a sure sign of "Hot Women Action", so beware!
However, "It is your lucky day" for "you can apply for a Gold Card Now!" This in turn will make you
eligible to "Apply to be on Reality TV". But woe to those who do, for they are nothing but "Passion led".
But, "We are here when you need us" at this church, so "Maybe you want some free porn?"
Enjoy our "Ready and willing sluts" and "Corner the Market" while you're at it. If that does not work out,
then we can "find the right loan for you" while "contemplating mortality" and looking at "Drunk College
Girls". For as it is written in the sacred Book of Porn: "Easy Coeds" and "Experienced Girls" have
"More fun with Easter eggs".This is because "they take huge meat".
Therefore, go out and get a "42 inch Plasma TV". You will be glad you did.
Amen
Okay, well I never once said any of the holy scriptures would be in order, but then what do you expect
from a church such as this. Once it's all put together in book form, it'll drive even the most devout to
drink heavily in trying to put any order to it. Enough said, I bring you the Book of Wrench. It was found
in the Holy Storage Locker C-290. Mice tried to eat it, but they all died.
----The Book of Wrench----
Chapter 1, Verse 1: Honor this wrench, and use it wisely. For yea, it was found and taken to heart and
toolbox on the Street of Eight near the food co-op but not near Albertson's.
1:2 And yea, so as this wrench was found, so did it make ONE of the inhabitants happy thereof at
536 East Eighth Street.
1:3 But one of the inhabitants saw it not, and was cast into the void of eternal Ph.Dom.
1:4 However, the wiser of of the two DID see and took it to heart and toolbox and scraped the crap
off of thy holy wrench.
1:5 And did forever more did the wiser of the two use it for thy holy oil-changes and a multitude of
other uses--especially on thy holy Datsun Pick-up truck.
1:6 And the CREATOR said: Let it be known that this wrench is holy for it was meant to be found, and
used and the CREATOR saw that this was good.
1:7 And so did the wiser of the two at the holy ground of 536 E. Eighth Street.
1:8 For yea, there were rats, and cockroaches, and skunks, and a multitude of beasts, nay did they
defile the holy 10" Diamalloy wrench.
----Thus ends the Book of Wrench
