Jokes to Brighten the Day

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Ice Fishing Soap and Water Limping The Bully Things Learned from Children

Sesame Street Bus Hearing Problems Confuse Traffic Signs For a Rib Bad Day

Ice Fishing

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

Sesame Street Bus

Waiting at the next stop was another over-weight little girl. He said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" She said that her name was Pattie also.

At the next stop, there was a grown woman and a little boy. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The woman piped up and said, "His name is Ross and he is my son." She continued, "He is very, very special, so I want you to take extra good care of him." The bus driver replied, "No problem." "He can have this seat right behind me and I can watch him really good in the mirror."

At the next stop, there was this little country boy standing there. The little boy was wearing tattered overalls and had no shoes or socks on his feet. The poor little boy had problems walking because of bunions all over his feet. The bus driver said, "Hi, I'm the new bus driver. What is your name?" The little boy replied, "My name is Lester Cleese."

Well, little Lester picked at his bunions all the way to the schoolhouse, nearly driving the driver crazy. Later that night, at home, his wife asked him how his first day on the new job was.

The man replied:

Well, I had Two Obese Patties, Special Ross, Lester Cleese Picking Bunions On A Sesame Street Bus."

Soap and Water

"Were these dishes ever washed?" he asked his hostess, running his fingers over the grit and grime.

She replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them".

He felt a bit apprehensive, but blessed the food anyway and started eating. It was really delicious and he said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, the hostess took the dishes outside and shouted, "Here Soap! Here Water!"

Hearing Problems

He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The happy gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've already changed my will three times!"

Confuse Traffic Signs

Cop: "Sister, this is a 65 MPH highway -- why are you going so slow?"

Sister: "Sir, I saw a lot of signs that said 22, not 65."

Cop: "Oh sister, that's not the speed limit, that's the name of the highway you're on!

Sister: Oh! Silly me! Thanks for letting me know. I'll be more careful.

At this point the cop looks in the backseat where the other nuns are shaking and trembling.

Cop: Excuse me, Sister, what's wrong with your friends back there? They're shaking something terrible.

Sister: Oh, we just got off of highway 119.

Limping

The other hooks his thumb behind him and says, "Dog crap, 20 feet back."

The Bully

The little guy thinks "GEEZ" but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a sudden --WHACK-- the big dude knocks him down AGAIN and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan."

So the little guy has had enough of this so he leaves and is gone for an hour or so and when comes back --WHACK!!!"-- He knocks the big dude off his stool and out cold!!!

The little guy looks at the bartender and says, "When he comes to, tell him that was a crowbar from Sears."

For a Rib

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman. He said this person would cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed.

Adam asked, "What would a woman like this cost me??"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam thought for a moment, then said, "What can I get for a just a rib???"

The rest is history.

Bad Day

• You wake up face down on the pavement.
• You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
• You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
• You see a '60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
• Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
• You want to put the clothes on you wore home from the party but find there aren't any.
• Your twin brother forgot your birthday.
• You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes from the city.
• Your car horn accidentally goes off and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hells Angels along a deserted highway.
• You wake to discover your waterbed has sprung a leak and then realize you don't have a waterbed.
• Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
• The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
• You call your answering service and you're told to mind your own business.
• Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
• Your tax refund check bounces.
• You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
• Your pet rock snaps at you.
• Your wife says "Good Morning, Bill" and your name is George.

Things learned from Children:

• If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
• It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
• When you hear the toilet flush and the words, "Uh-oh," it's already too late.
• Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
• A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
• If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak - it explodes.
• A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot house 4 inches deep.
• Some things will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old that you'd imagine would remain in him or her.
• Super glue is forever.
• McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.
• No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
• Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
• VCR's do not eject peanut butter and jelly sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
• Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
• The fire department has at least a 5 minute response time.
• The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
• It will however make cats dizzy.
• Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

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