- You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight- savings time.
- The most powerful force in the universe is gossip.
- The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above- average drivers.
- There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
- People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
- The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
- If a God who created the entire universe with all of its glories decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
- You should not confuse your career with your life.
- A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.
- No matter what happens, somebody will take it way too seriously.
- When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command. Very often, that individual is crazy.
- Your friends love you, anyway.
- Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance!
- I can see your point, but I still think you're full of it.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
- How about never? Is never good for you?
- I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
- I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
- I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
- I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message..
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.
- Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
- I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
- You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
- Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
- The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
- Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
- What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
- I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
- It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
- Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
- And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...?
- Do I look like a people person?
- This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
- I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
- Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
- Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
- Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.
- Due to budget cuts, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
- I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
- I love deadlines. I especially like the Whooshing sound as they go flying by.
- I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
- I Haven't Lost My Mind. It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere.
- Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
- THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE;
- You believe in Santa Claus.
- You don't believe in Santa Claus.
- You become Santa Claus.
- You start to look like Santa Claus.
- Some days you are the pigeon. Some days you are the statue.
- Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
- The money is always greener in the other guy�s wallet.
- If We Quit Voting, Will They All Go Away?
- Too many freaks. Not enough circuses.
- She Who MUST be obeyed
- Chaos. Panic. Disorder. My work is done here.
- I thought I wanted a career. It turns out I just wanted a paycheck.
- When money talks, no one criticizes its accent.
- I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
- My reality check bounced.
- I love my cat. My cat does not care.
- If At First You Don't Succeed...Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
- My bank account needs month-to-month resuscitation.
- You're Just Jealous Because The Voices Are Talking To Me.
- On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
- I don't suffer from stress. I am a carrier.
- Everyone needs to believe in something. I believe in chocolate.
- Only in America, could a letter offering a million dollar prize be considered junk mail.
- Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the Ark. Professionals, on the other hand, built the Titanic.
- I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
- Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, because you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
- Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- A closed mouth gathers no foot.
- Don't worry about the world ending today. It's already tomorrow in Australia.
- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
- What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it�s all about?
- Think nobody knows you're alive? Try missing a payment.
- Does it scare you that you are looking for wisdom from a T-shirt?
- And your crybaby whiny-butt opinion would be...?
- I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
- Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning. Nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.
- If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
- I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
- No one pays attention until you make a mistake.
- Jesus loves you, but I think you�re a jerk.
- Thousands of years ago, cats were worshiped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.
- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.
- Stamp Out Crime. Abolish the IRS.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
- I'm not rude. You're just insignificant.
- If I save time, when do I get it back?
- A.S.A.P. means Always Say A Prayer.
- Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
- Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let him sleep.
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
- I may be fat, but you are ugly and I can lose weight.
- I'm really easy to get along with once people learn to worship me.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
- Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
- If the left side of the brain controls the right hand, then only left-handed people are in their right mind.
- Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
- Money Isn't Everything...But It Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch.
- Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- Are you sure I�m (age)? I want a recount!
- Does fuzzy logic tickle?
- Born free. Taxed to death.
- If �pro� is the opposite of �con,� is progress the opposite of congress?
- All Men Are Animals. Some Just Make Better Pets.
- Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
- Enjoy Life! Eat Out More Often.
- I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
- Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional.
- The 11th commandment: Thou Shalt NOT Whine!
- Work Harder. People on Welfare Depend on You.
- Princess, having sufficient experience with Princes, seeks frog.
- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
- Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
- One good thing about Alzheimer's is you get to meet new people every day.
- FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.
- God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will live forever.
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
- Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.
- If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
- It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
- Life is too short. Don't be a jerk.
- Ignore the dog. Watch out for the owner.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Don�t treat me any differently than you would the Queen.
- A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation... I wonder if that means...?
- Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy.
- The trouble with life is there's no background music.
- Women have PMS. Men have ESPN.
- Friends are the chocolate chips in the cookies of life.
- Coffee. Chocolate. Men. Some things are better rich.
- Who do you want to talk to:
- the man in charge or
- the woman who really knows what�s going on?
- If life is like a bowl of cherries, then I�m living in the pits!
- Barney sucks.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
- If they don�t have chocolate in heaven, I�m not going.
- If you scratch your rear, don�t bite your fingernails.
- Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money.
- Germs attack people where they are weakest. This explains the number of head colds.
- It�s not just the ups and downs that make life difficult. It�s the jerks.
- I don�t know what I want, but I do know I don�t have it.
- People who give back their ill-gotten gains are reformed crooks. People who keep most of the loot and only give back a little are philanthropists.
- Once you�ve climbed the ladder of success, you�re over the hill.
- Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
- There will always be death and taxes. However, death doesn't get worse every year.
- Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
- The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it limits.
- Two wrongs do not make a right ... but three lefts do.
- Talk is cheap, because supply exceeds demand.
- Drive carefully. It's not only cars that can be recalled by their maker.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some people just don't have film.
- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
- Go ahead and take risks. Just be sure that everything will turn out OK. .
- STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.
- Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.
- Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of the dog, it�s too dark to read.
- I can see your point, but I still think you are full of crap.
- I don't know what your problem is, but I bet it's hard to pronounce.
- I'll try being nicer if you will try being smarter.
- I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
- The screw up fairy has visited us again.
- I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a care.
- What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
- If I throw a stick, will you leave?
- A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
- Can I trade my job for what's behind door #1?
- How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- When in doubt, tell the truth. (Mark Twain)
- To err is human. To forgive is not company policy.
- Constant change is here to stay.
- Don�t be old until you have lived!
- Don't let the past hold you back. You're missing today�s good stuff.
- Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's acorn that held its ground.
- Enthusiasm is contagious. Start an epidemic!
- Education is expensive, but ignorance is more so.
I was driving along the interstate when I decided to stop at a comfort station.Top
The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall, "Hi. How are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed, "Not bad."
Then the stranger said, "So, what are you up to?" Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird, so I said, "Well, just like you I'm driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back later. There's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you!"
- You're not offended by the term "HOMO MILK".
- You understand the phrase "Could you pass me a serviette, I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield."
- You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
- You drink Pop, not Soda.
- You know that a Mickey and 2-4's mean, "party at the camp, eh!!!"
- You don't care about the fuss with Cuba. It's a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.
- You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
- You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
- You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
- You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
- You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
- You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion, Michael J. Fox, John Candy, William Shatner, Tom Green, Matthew Perry, Mike Myers, Neve Campbell, Pamela Anderson Lee & many more, are Canadians.
- You know that the CEO of American Airlines is a Canadian.
- You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
- You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced "Zed".
- Your local newspaper covers national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
- You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road work.
- You know that when it's 25 degrees outside, it's a warm day.
- You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
- You know how to pronounce and spell "Saskatchewan".
- You perk up when you hear the theme song from 'Hockey Night in Canada'.
- You are in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
- "Eh?" is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, "Huh?"
- You say "aboot" instead of "about"
- Your Beer Case handles Are Big Enough To Fit Your Mitts
- When you own 5 pairs of hockey skates and only one pair of shoes.
- You know that we don't all live in igloos and ride polar bears to work.
- Every murder is reported.
- You can understand Jean Chr�tien (most of the time, anyway)
- You froze your tongue to something metal and survived to tell about it.
- You actually understand these jokes, and forward them to all of your Canadian friends!!! And then you send them to your American friends just to confuse them... further!
A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something. The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"
The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.
The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver, I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!
December 8 - 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!
December 9 - We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.
December 12 - The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. l don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.
December 14 - Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.
December 15 - 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.
December 16 - Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, Which I think was very cruel.
December 17 - Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.
December 20 - Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.
December 22 - Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.
December 23 - Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.
December 24 - 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snow plow I'll drag him through the snow by his balls and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.
December 25 - Merry fucking Christmas! 20 more inches of the god damn slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think shes a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wondeful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.
December 26 - Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.
December 27 - Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me 1,400 to replace all my pipes.
December 28 - Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!
December 29 - 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?
December 30 - Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his ass. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.
December 31 - I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.
January 8 - Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
For Sale: 9 reindeer. Reindeer are all male and range in age from 5-13 years. Vet-checked and come with health certificates and guarantee of flight.
Lead deer has nasal condition, which is chronic, but doesn't seem to affect pulling ability or visual accuracy.
One owner. $2,000.00 apiece/ first $17,000 takes all.
Tired of the cold weather and moving to Phoenix.
Mr. S. Claus, [email protected]
- I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
- I will stop sending e-mail to my wife(husband).
- I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.
- I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
- I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
- I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week...okay, monthly then...or maybe...
- I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.
- When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."
- When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"
- I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.
- I will think of a password other than "password."
- I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.
- I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er... I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!
- You had a crush on one of the New Kids on the Block members.
- You wanted to be on Star Search. (Come on, we all did)
- You can remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
- You wore a banana clip or one of those slap on wrist bands at some point during your youth.
- You wore French rolls on the bottom of your splatter painted jeans.
- You had slouch socks, and puff painted your own shirt at least once.
- You owned a doll with 'Xavier Roberts' signed on it's butt.
- You know the profound meaning of ''Wax on, Wax off.''
- You can name at least half of the members of the elite ''Brat Pack.''
- You can remember watching Full House and Saved by the Bell for endless hours!!!!!!
- You have seen at least 10 episodes of Fraggle Rock.
- You know that another name for a keyboard is a ''Synthesizer.''
- You hold a special place in your heart for ''Back to the Future.''
- You know where to go if you ''Wanna go where everybody knows your name.''
- You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool. (Was there an 80's movie she WASN'T in?)
- You know what ''Sike'' means.
- You fell victim to 80's fashion: big hair, crimped, combed over to the side, and you wore spandex pants
- You wanted to be a Goonie - (hey u guyz!!)
- You owned an extensive collection of Cabbage Patch Kids and trolls.
- You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played ''Sam'' to be.
- You ever wore fluorescent -neon if you will clothing...(or nail polish)
- You could break dance, or wished you could. (I said hip hop....)
- You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game system. (Remember Pong)
- You know all the words to ''Ice Ice Baby''.
- You remember MC hammer well.
- You can still sing the rap to "Fresh Prince of Bel Air"
- You own any cassettes.
- You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
- You remember and/or own any of the CareBear Glass collection from PizzaHut.
- Poltergeist freaked you out.
- You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
- You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
- You wanted to communicate with some being named Cinergy.
- You wanted to have an alien like Alf living in your house.
- You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish.
- You wore tights under shorts and felt stylish.
- You ever had a Swatch Watch.
- You actually spent countless hours trying to perfect the care-bear stare.
- You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
- You had Wonder Woman or Superman underwear.
- You wanted to be The Hulk for Halloween.
- You Believed that ''By the power of Greyskull, you HAD the power''
- You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
- Partying ''like it's 1999'' seemed SO far away!!!!!!!!!!!!
- If you can identify with at least half of this list then you, my friend, are a ''Child of the 80's.''
A MAN IS LYING IN BED IN THE HOSPITAL WITH AN OXYGEN MASK OVER HIS MOUTH.
A YOUNG NURSE APPEARS TO SPONGE HIS HANDS AND FEET.
"NURSE", HE MUMBLES FROM BEHIND THE MASK, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"
EMBARRASSED, THE YOUNG NURSE REPLIES,"I DON'T KNOW, I'M ONLY HERE TO WASH YOUR HANDS AND FEET.
HE STRUGGLES AGAIN TO ASK, "NURSE, ARE MY TESTICLES BLACK?"
FINALLY, SHE PULLS BACK THE COVERS, RAISES HIS GOWN, HOLDS HIS PENIS IN ONE HAND AND HIS TESTICLES IN HER OTHER HAND AND TAKES A CLOSE LOOK AND SAY'S, "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!"
FINALLY, THE MAN PULLS OFF HIS OXYGEN MASK AND REPLIES, "THAT WAS VERY NICE BUT, ARE MY TEST RESULTS BACK?"
- Birds of a feather flock together... and crap on your car.
- There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
- When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
- If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
- A penny saved is a government oversight.
- The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because, by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
- Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"?
- Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are "XL"?
- An early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"
- A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill his wellness potential."
- Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal of Family Practice, fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
- The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure threshold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely to survive.
- A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
- At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
- A personal ad from an unidentified newspaper announces that a "formerly single man" seeks a single or married woman.
- After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.
- The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients, however, includes "cooked noodle product."
- In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertises "semi-antique" rugs.
- The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school graduation.
- Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."
- Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
- It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chronologically experienced citizens."
- According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
Actual excerpts from classified sections of city newspapers:Top
- 2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, Perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess.
- Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
- A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
- Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
- Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
- Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
- We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
- For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
- For Sale -- Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
- If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin.
- Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
- The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds, and other athletic facilities.
- Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
- Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
- Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one.
- We build bodies that last a lifetime.
- For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
- Man, honest. Will take anything.
- Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200 a month. References required.
- Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
- UsedCars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
- Modular Sofas. Only $299. For rest or fore play.
- Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
- Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
- 3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred.
- Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
- Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
- Holcross pullets. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204.
- Illiterate? Write today for free help.
- Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
- Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
- Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
- And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
- We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa." The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.
The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."
The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.
Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."
Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"
- Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
- You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
- The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are "I apologize" and "You are right."
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
- If he/she says that you are too good for him/her - believe them.
- Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?
- When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
- Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
- Work is good, but it's not that important. Money is nice, but you can't take it with you.
- And finally... Be really good to everyone. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.
- How can you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
- Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?
- Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
- Did Adam and Eve have navels?
- Does anyone ever vanish with a trace?
- How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- If Fed Ex and UPS merge, would they call it Fed UP?
- If a chronic liar tells you he is a chronic liar do you believe him?
- If a mute child swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?
- If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
- If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
- If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
- What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
- If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?
- If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, "Quit while you're still ahead?"
- If the Energizer Bunny attacks someone, is it charged with battery?
- If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
- What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed?
- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
- Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop?
- Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Don't they all stop eventually?
- Why is the alphabet in that order?
- Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
- You know how most packages say "Open here" What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else?"
- You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane with the same substance?
- Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?
- How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
- Why are there Braille signs on drive-up ATM's?
Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
- A single share of Coca-Cola stock, purchased in 1919, when the company went public, would have been worth $92,500 in 1997.
- Americans consume 42 tons of Aspirin per day.
- Americans spend more than $5 billion a year on cosmetics, toiletries, beauty parlors and barber shops.
- Bayer was advertising cough medicine containing Heroin in 1898.
- Carbonated soda water was invented in 1767 by Joseph Priestley, the discoverer of oxygen.
- Cheerios cereal was originally called Cheerioats.
- Chewing gum was patented in 1869 by William Semple.
- Coca-Cola was so named back in 1885 for its two medicinal ingredients: extract of coca leaves and kola nuts. As for how much cocaine was originally in the formula, it's hard to know.
- Cocaine used to be sold to cure sore throat, neuralgia, nervousness, headache, colds and sleeplessness in the 1880s.
- During the Prohibition, at least 1565 Americans died from drinking bad liquor, hundreds were blinded, and many were killed in bootlegger wars. Federal agents and the Coast Guard made 75,000 arrests per year.
- False eyelashes were invented by film director D.W. Griffith while he was making the 1916 epic, "Intolerance." He wanted actress Seena Owen to have lashes that brushed her cheeks.
- For two years, during the 1970s, Mattel marketed a doll called "Growing Up Skipper". Her breasts grew when her arm was turned.
- Gatorade was named for the University of Florida Gators, where it was first developed.
- Hershey's Kisses are called that, because the machine that makes them looks like its kissing the conveyor belt.
- The ball-point pen was invented by two hungarian brothers: Georgo and Lazlo Biro.
- If you put a raisin in a glass of champagne, it will keep floating to the top and sinking to the bottom, over and over again.
- In 1965, LBJ enacted a law requiring cigarette manufacturers to put health warnings on their packages.
- In 1984, a Canadian farmer began renting out advertising space on his cows.
- In 4000 BC Egypt, men and women wore glitter eye shadow made from the crushed shells of beetles. Men and women walked around topless, and marriages between brothers and sisters were not uncommon in the Royal families. Cleopatra was married to her older brother, until he drowned in the Nile. Then she married her 11-year-old younger brother.
- In the 1700s, European women achieved a pale complexion by eating "Arsenic Complexion Wafers", which contained the actual poison.
A State Police officer observed a car puttering along the highway at 22 mph.
He turned on his lights and pulled the car over.
Approaching the vehicle, he noticed that it contained five old ladies - two in the front seat and three in the back - wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand. I was doing exactly the speed limit. What's the problem?"
"Ma'am," the officer replied, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? I'm following the posted speed exactly!"
The officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explained that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit.
Embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked him for pointing out her error.
Before letting her go, the officer asked, "Is everyone in this car okay? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time."
"Oh, they'll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119."