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Thurmond, Lott Announce 2004 Candidacy Tuesday, 17 December, 2002, 04:42 GMT Jackson, MS - In a revival of a long-forgotten dream, Senators Strom Thurmond (R-SC) and Trent Lott (R-MS) unveiled today their run for the White House in 2004. Mr. Thurmond, who turned 100 years old just over a week ago, will switch parties next year with his running mate and resurrect the Dixiecrat Party of old.  �I love crispy bacon, oh yes,� said Mr. Thurmond at a press conference, �but I hate to any person who won�t have me no damn candy canes.� �I am very honored to be with this man,� said Mr. Lott who stepped in quickly to grab the microphone. �In fact, I think if our country had elected him in 1948 we wouldn�t have all these nigger problems like we do now. Did I say nigger? Sorry, I meant filthy jungle monkey.� �Give me back my thing!� added Mr. Thurmond. The Dixiecrat ticket, which hasn�t been seen on the ballot for nearly five decades, is controversial to some who see this as a return to the segregation politics that once ran rampant through the nation. �No suh, massa, I don tink I�s gwyn voht fuh him, suh,� said Julian Bond, director of the NAACP. �I�s js gwyn fry me up sum uh dis ere chikin an slathr on it sum uh dat hot saws, yes suh.� �I just don�t see the wisdom of voting for someone who�s going to be 102 come inauguration,� said Al Gore yesterday after his own announcement that he won�t seek the Democratic nomination in two years. �Seems to me Trent�s just using Strom�s time-honored racism to ride his coat tails and step in when he dies.� �I ain�t never gonna die,� said Mr. Thurmond. �I damn wrote that Constitution and I�ll be here until it burns in Hell or high water.� 
Bio-warfare Program Discovered In Iraqi Brothel
According to sources, the night before inspections began on November 27, Mr. Blix and another unnamed inspector made a surprise visit here to the local cathouse. At once, the available prostitutes lined up one by one claiming to have nothing to hide. Insisting on a thorough going over, the inspectors, armed only with protective prophylactic equipment, took each of the young women into each room on an all-night scrutiny of the bordello. Within a few days, however, the Swedish chief inspector discovered a growing rash on his genitals, proving fears of contamination following a tear in his gear during inspections. �Obviously, this is a latex material breach,� said White House spokesman Ari Fleischer. �Until now, our intelligence had us suspecting a new kind of delivery system for Saddam�s biological weapons program, but we never thought it�d be a piece of ass.� �This is an absolute outrage,� said a furious Major General Hussam Muhammad Amin, head of Iraq�s National Monitoring Directorate that works with the inspections team, at a news conference in Baghdad. �I challenge this Jewish spy to prove that he didn�t contract this disease before he came to Iraq. Iraq hasn�t had venereal diseases in four years. None, none, none. No herpes simplex, no herpes annex, no herpes megaplex.� �The time for talk is over,� said President George W. Bush from the White House Rose Garden. �We�re going to bomb every suspected whorehouse, every red light district, and every single street corner in Iraq until these hookers of mass destruction are annihilated!� �Before we start bombing everything willy-nilly, what we really need to know is exactly where all these prostitutes are,� said former President Bill Clinton in an interview today. �Hey, if they need me, I�ll go and help out.� �Hell yeah,� he added.
Thursday, 21 November, 2002, 01:07 GMT Finisterre, SPAIN � Here on the northern shores of Galicia, the fishermen of Finisterre are pleasantly puzzled by the appearance of a previously unknown species of fish: the Dallia pectoralis. Also known as the Alaska blackfish, it has quickly become somewhat of a craze in restaurants across the Iberian Peninsula. �They�re everywhere,� said Jose Carmen, 54, who owns a 25-foot trawler with a five-man crew. �Without fail, the nets dump a cascade of blackfish. Their skin even stains the deck.� No one�s quite sure how the blackfish got here or why they�ve quickly become so plentiful, but no one also seems to be complaining. �This is an economic windfall for us all,� said chef and manager Jesus Torres, 37, of Galacian restaurant Jesus�s. �The fish have natural oils that make it perfect for frying and the taste is absolutely delicious. The flavor recalls memories of my childhood when I grew up working at my father�s petrol station.� But marine biologists are perplexed. �Despite the name, blackfish are typically dark green or brown in color, not black,� said Michael Locks, 40, of the Marine Laboratory at the University of Georgia. �What�s really fascinating, though, is that this species is showing us its remarkable capability of adapting to the ocean from freshwater.� And that�s not all. Along with the new introduction of blackfish, Spain is also seeing a vast increase of seagull reverse albinism. These black gulls began appearing around the same time as the blackfish but no one has yet linked the two. �The ocean surprises me everyday,� said Mr. Carmen. �Blackfish, black gulls, what�s next? Black water?� Laughs. �That�ll be the day.� 
Saturday, 19 October, 2002, 04:22 GMT Pyonyang, NORTH KOREA - While the media here took no notice, President George W. Bush announced today the hoarding of some five of six naked pictures of his mother by President Kim Jong-Il. Sending shockwaves throughout the world, the announcement may have implications for the wider struggle in Mr. Bush's War on Nudity with the Axis of Indecency. "You all know how much I love my Mama," said a calm Mr. Bush in the White House Rose Garden, "but I hope to resolve this invasion of her privacy by engagin in a discussion on this issue with North Korea by exchangin points of view about the situation until we're finished talkin." The announcement coincided with Defense Department spokeswoman Victoria Clarke's assessment of the alleged tauntings by Iraqi President Saddam Hussein. "Saddam continues making fun of the President's mother without provocation, calling her 'Fatty-Fatty-Two-By-Four' and even claiming that 'Yo Mama so fat, if she eat one more Tic-Tac she gonna 'splode,'" she said. The insults continue to be denied by Baghdad, though its UN ambassador said yesterday before the Security Council that even if Mrs. Bush were so fat "Iraq couldn't help itself but point out her jiggly-wiggly ass to the world." However, what troubles some analysts are the seeming inconsistencies of the Bush Administration's foreign policy. "Here we have a country we're about to invade that denies poking fun at the President's fat mother," explained MSNBC's Ron Kuby, "and another that undeniably admits to acquiring photographs of her bloated naked form. Where's the beef?" "Well, it seems to me what's obviously going on," said Fox News commentator Bill O'Reilly. President Bush "can't allow these pictures see the light of day, and Jesus help us if they do. I say we do the best we can to sweep these horrid images under the rug and kick Saddam in the balls while we're at it," he added. The question remains, though, of how North Korea, a known smut peddler, received the photographs. Some conspiracy theorists theorize Mr. Kim bought the pictures in a Dutch auction on eBay. Yet a senior administration official admitted that the pictures had originally circulated around White House staff during the Clinton years. "Clinton loves a junk-in-the-trunk kind of woman, young or old," he said. "It may be that he gave these photographs to Mr. Kim in 1994 in exchange for a juicy rump roast."  Wednesday, 16 October, 2002, 11:41 GMT  Baghdad, IRAQ - Some cried and some cheered, but Saddam Hussein will soon leave his post as President of Iraq after two decades of rule. After a contentious two-week period of vote counting and re-counting, it has now become clear that George W. Bush, already a president of another country, will become the head of Iraq�s newest regime. �I never thought this day would come,� said a sad Saddam to his supporters last night. �I�ve often wondered what it would be like to be a mundane citizen again, but now I have no choice. George, you win.�
�There�s a new star on the flag tonight,� said Mr. Bush at a similar rally in Washington. �It�s gonna be hard to find a place for it with all them other ones, but we�re Americans!� Gleeful cheers frequently interrupted the President of the United States, but some wonder how possible it will be as president of two countries at the same time. The election itself was not without some controversy even before votes were cast. For some months, Mr. Hussein remained the only candidate on a ballot which read simply �Yes or No.� Mr. Hussein, it seemed, was a shoe-in. Then, with only days left in the campaign, attack ads from the Bush camp ran on Iraqi television stations that called his rule into question. �Saddam says he loves his people and means only the best for his nation,� said one ad. �But in 1988, he used deadly mustard gas to slaughter thousands of his fellow citizens. Don�t vote �Yes� for Saddam, vote �No� or we�ll bomb your country to Hell.� Next came the row over ballot counting. Projections with less than 100% of the precincts reporting at first showed Mr. Hussein with a clear lead and he even declared victory the first night. �Fools!� he announced. �Once I find out who voted �No� I�ll strangle you with my bare hands!� But as votes from the North and South No-Fly Zones were tallied, it became clear that the election was too close to call. The recounting process became a circus as controversy erupted over the way some voters cast their tickets in blood. At the time, pricking a finger and smearing it on a ballot seemed a show of devotion for some voters, but sometimes the dripping blood blotched both boxes on the ballot. Over the next two weeks, the Hussein and Bush campaigns fought vigorously over the results before finally taking their dispute before the United Nations. �Although it is clear to us that Saddam Hussein has won,� said Secretary-General Kofi Annan yesterday afternoon, �it is the practice of the UN to kowtow to American hegemony.� As it stands, President Hussein will step down in two months as President/President-Elect Bush forms a new Iraqi government. Nevertheless, some question the prudence of governing two nations at once. �Questions like those are good questions and I like good questions,� commented Mr. Bush, �but there�s a saying back in Texas: two countries are better than having two you don�t have.� As for Saddam Hussein, when asked what his intentions are for the future, he replied, �I don�t know, I haven�t given it much thought. But I�ve always dreamed of just toiling away at my garden all day, or perhaps opening up a new country south of the equator.� 
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�Our team has unequivocally determined that Saddam�s weapons program is alive and well,� said Mr. Blix, sporting what appeared to be a bottom lip cold sore. �In fact, I dare say that it�s very alive and good as hell.�